Red Flags Need Context

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musingsofsubmission:

I’ve spoken to a few people who call themselves Doms. Red flags everywhere, of course, but what does one do with a red flag?

The first one I’ll speak about was an older gentleman. He had years of experience, knew who he was, what he was, what he wanted, his limits, his skills, all of it. I was interested in what he had to offer, up until he said something to the effect of “I wouldn’t do x with you for a long time, because if we did do it, there would be no safe word.” After a bit of conversation about what he actually meant, it came to light that he was using that statement hyperbolically, he just wanted to be clear that there’s no wishy-washy way of doing x. He then said something along the lines of, “I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of what I said, we came to an understanding, it’s fine.”

I left.

The second one I want to speak about, is someone who is new to all this. He has fantasies and desires, knows what he thinks he wants, knows some of his skills. In a discussion of punishment, he said something like, “Maybe something like limiting contact for a day.” After a bit of conversation, it came to light that he didn’t understand the potentially harmful effects of that course of action. He just wanted an effective punishment. He then said, “My bad, I hadn’t considered that side of things, let’s consider something else then.”

I stayed.

So what made me move past one exchange but not the other?

Red flags are just that: flags. They call your urgent attention to something that needs to be examined. Red flags do not mean run for the hills, they mean take a good, long, hard look at this. Many are false alarms.

One must be careful though, that they are not just explaining away harmful behaviour. Anything can be explained, not every explanation should be accepted. Consider someone’s experience, the relationship you have with them, how many red flags have been raised before, how they react to being called out, how open they are to change, how effective they have been about changing in the past.

Context.

Red flags need to be put in context. In context, pale pink can turn blood red, but deep scarlet can also just fade away.

Red flags need context.

pleasurewhore:

This is important. Red flags are reason to explore further and ask questions. I’d never advise anyone to ignore a red flag, but seeing one doesn’t mean you have to run for the hills without a second glance either.