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Alexander Martin:
Hey all, a bit of unsolicited advice to newer submissives. I’ve been talking to a couple of guys lately and they all have one theme in common. They gave up too much information or power to a dominant before they’d ever met or during the very first meeting and that guy never came back.
It is in your nature as submissives to surrender power to dominants. But you need to make him work a bit for it. Giving dominants too much power too quickly, too easily can scare him off making him think you’re trying to commit very quickly. Alternatively, you can give him no limits on the first meeting and get hurt, or even just say yes to things that give you pause to make him happy only to find he wasn’t actually interested in a second play session.
The truth is that in all of BDSM submissives have the power. They have all the power because they have to give that power up to dominants in order for a dominant to have any power over them. Learn to relent a little bit at a time, and only fall into a man that’s shown he wants to stick around and is worth your submission.
ukstudentalpha:
This is great. I have one caveat however.
“Submissives have the power” is a really great message, but I feel like it’s worth expanding upon this idea.
A submissive doesn’t owe a dominant their submission simply by virtue of their preferred (or natural) role. Sure, they might be submissive, but they won’t necessarily be submissive to that specific dominant.
But the same concept applies in reverse. I don’t owe anyone my dominance. Entitled and demanding submissives are a huge problem for dominants, and lots of subs don’t know where to stop pushing.
No one is owed another person’s body, or a chance to engage in a certain kink with another person. So just be respectful and sensible. If you’re a sub, approach a Dom in a friendly way. And the same goes in reverse. Doms who introduce themselves with abusive orders, and subs who introduce themselves with degrading statements and demands of abuse or control… they’re struggling to recognize the importance of communication and mutual desire.
So be nice, and sensible, and don’t forget your manners. When you approach someone, be positive and communicative above all else.
Alexander Martin:
An excellent addition worth boosting!
hadriantemple:
One of the hardest things for novice subs to do is to say no to a dom. All a sub’s instincts tell him to submit and say yes, but not every dom is worth submitting to. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, trust that and don’t submit. A good dom will take steps to make you feel comfortable and that you can trust him.
neswpnw:
This cannot be emphasized too strongly or repeated too often.
thesidekink:
This is an interesting discussion. I have never been comfortable with the idea of one person holding all the power in a BDSM relationship. Whether that was a dominant who assumed they had power over all submissives by virtue of their position. Or submissives who assume they have more power over doms.
In truth I always felt more like both sides should arrive with equal power to negotiate, discuss and fantasize. Then when it comes to the play the submissive lends his power and consent to the dom. When the scene is over that power ought to be restored through after care or even just treating the sub as a human being afterward. We come back to being equals.
Alexander Martin:
I really wanted top reblog this again for @thesidekink’s comment above. I know that this won’t work for every relationship. Even in my own, bb would bed distressed if he had to make even half the decisions as he views that as my territory and purview. But every single month, I bring up a check in wherein we both have our power equalized to discuss the relationship, how things are going, issues, and good moments we recently had. And during that one time a month we do the work that keeps us together.
I want to reblog this because I wanted to reinforce with the side kink is saying. Even in my power exchange relationship there IS equal negotiation and discussion and that’s just not something we see through the porn and captions contained within tumblr. It’s important for people who want this to BE their life not just their sex life to see that aspect to it clearly.
hadriantemple:
Those ‘equal conversations’ are really important for a master/slave couple, especially early in the relationship. They allow the sub to express his concerns in a way that doesn’t challenge the master’s authority. They need to be frequent at the start of a relationship, but can become less common as time goes on if both sides feel things are going well.
neswpnw:
Great discussion. Tumblr at its best, as a forum for better understanding power exchange relationships.
hypnotistformuscletoys:
I love this thread. Subs should support each other, and be sure to submit in a smart, healthy way. There’s plenty of extreme fun to be had, but safety is always number one.
daddysqueerboylove:
This is fantastic. I already have trust issues, and it took me a long time to trust daddy enough for me to fully submit to him. Daddy has always been patient and understanding, and his patience has always made me want to give him more.
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