Fear of Blackmail

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Anonymous asked :

Hello, sir! I suppose I'm just looking for some advice as to finding an alpha. I mostly use avenues such as grindr and the sort. My one trouble is finding the confidence to send a face picture. It's not so much a matter or whether or not I think I'm ugly, but rather an anxiety that I'll be blackmailed in some way or another. Do you have any advice for overcoming this small anxiety? I'd appreciate it a great deal.

Alexander Martin:

Hello anon! Hmmm, let’s talk it through.

Most important thing you wrote: “…anxiety that I’ll be blackmailed in some way or another.”

WHAT?!

That’s a highly specific fear! Has… this happened to you or someone you know?! I get that it’s a small fear but it’s what you wrote me about, but I’m going to take it completely seriously for the sake of exploring it in its entirety and hopefully dispelling the anxiety in the process.

I don’t know you so I’m struggling with how to assess how rational fear of blackmail is. Generally speaking, when possible it’s often best to inoculate yourself against the blackmail material if you can. By which I mean, tell others around you what you think would be held over you. I don’t suggest walking right up to mom and telling her you need a Dominant Daddy to discipline you to accomplish this. Parents and children have no need to know the details of one another’s bedroom practices. But rather, do you think you could trust your friends with the information? Are they mature enough to handle it? That might be a first step. I know that being out as a submissive is not for everyone and that society likes to put shame on submissives which is entirely unwarranted but coming out changed people’s opinions on gay men and women so I’m a bit biased in favor of such a solution.

But based on knowing nothing about your situation… Be honest with yourself. Will your entire life evaporate as a result of this info coming out? Will you lose your job? Your home? Will the information being public result in strangers who know you (i.e. you’re a public figure) but you don’t know chastising you? If so then that sucks and you may seriously want to consider finding the money to pay a pro dominant to work you over and keep his mouth shut.

I have had lots of experience with fear and anxiety. I find that fear lives in unexamined spaces in the mind, and anxiety (for me) is abated by planning. So for the fear? Examine the fear, be as specific as you possibly can, put it down on paper. I have found with my own fears that they tend to fall into two camps. Either the possibility of them occurring is VERY narrow as to be a silly thing to be afraid of or the connection they have to a larger fear is so unclear as to be not worth considering (ie if I go to the dungeon I’ll somehow DIE).

When it comes to anxiety, think of what makes you anxious and have a plan for it. What IF you do have someone blackmail. How would you handle that? Would you go to the police? Blackmail is illegal after all. Would you tell your friends before he could? Wouldn’t they be sensitive to the fact he’s trying to blackmail you? It would make my friends VERY angry if someone tried to do that to me. Wouldn’t your parents be angry as well if someone was trying to blackmail their child?

I’m really glad you acknowledge this is a small anxiety. I encourage you to share your pics liberally. It’s really freeing to be embraced by others as sexy and worthy of their attention. I hope that you are able to work past it. We only have so much time on Earth and if your sex life is important to you, there’s only so much time. Go out and get laid!

I had a very last minute thought in writing this. I know that dungeons aren’t everywhere and you may not be able to get to one. But, if you don’t like giving out the photos… have you considered going to a sex party or hosting your own? You wouldn’t have to give out any pics, there’s lots of men available…. I know they’re not dominants but it might just be a way to get laid if that’s what you’re needing without triggering the anxiety around blackmail.