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@thegayboybible wrote:
I had a moment recently where I had a boy that i wanted to come and serve. He was kinda nervous about service. We weren’t going to do anything particularly out there kink wise and to be honest, i shortchange new boys on intensity the first session. It puts me at ease to know that i’m just using the first time as a way to find my boundaries and learn what he can take and what he enjoys. Nonetheless, he was coming across quite scared of being tied up, of submitting. In the end, he succumbed to fear and i angrily sat cursing him under my breath. I started thinking back to how far i’d come when it came to kink.
I remembered that i was once scared to have submissives serve me too. I remembered how scared i was going to Magnitude during Folsom 2014 (made scarier by the fact it was my first time in San Francisco and the neighborhood was a bit intimidating at night.
I’ve written a bit about fear because not only it something I’ve grappled with from time to time, but if you asked any dominant who is being honest i think he’s been scared too.
New Dominants - From the men i’ve spoken to, this is THE scariest moment in a dominant’s lifetime. It is nerve wracking because in the moment we fear a bad reaction from a submissive. We fear he’d spread word of any mistake we made. Or possibly very worst of all, that a boy might know EXACTLY how afraid i am and that my dominance while genuinely felt, is bravado in that exact moment we first met.
Experienced Dominants - Men who have been playing regularly or have had several submissives over the course of the year would qualify as experienced. They still get afraid of complicated situations or when they are stretching their skills from time to time. The difference here between a new dominant and an experience dominant is that an experienced dominant has already messed up and it was ok. (see here for my first experience messing up) Failure teaches lessons and that knowledge steels us against worry in the future. We’ve been through a tough time here and there and it made us capable of handling more.
Masters of Dominance - When I say Masters, i mean that these dominants have at least 20 years of experience. First person i ever broached the topic with was my mentor about this but won’t quote him directly. I’ve spoken to some other men his name provided access too. Masters of dominance do sometimes experience fear but it’s usually in very limited circumstances when something goes wrong with a complicated scene (take suspension for example). In the few men i have spoken to, they came across as unshakably confident. They are more than prepared to handle EVERY eventuality that comes across their path and are outright relaxed, able to fully enjoy their play without holding back.
My response:
This is 100% accurate. A big problem in bdsm porn is that it rarely focuses on the dom’s headspace. Why does the dom want what he wants? What is his experience of the scene? What concerns and fears does he have? The result is that in the porn, the dom is simply all-powerful, all-knowing, all-compotent. That might be hot for the purposes of jacking off, but it sets a very high bar for new doms (and even more experienced ones). One thing I seek to do in my writing is offer a window into bdsm from the dom’s point of view, so that novice doms can avoid some of the common mistakes.
Papa Tony:
This speaks to me, and I'd like to speak from then viewpoint of a man who has been running kinky scenes since 1977:
I have fears, insecurities and hesitations, just like everyone else. The difference is, I have learned how to filter-out problematic situations BEFORE they show up. I don't have the patience (or energy) to take on some wildly out-of-control, disobedient or inattentive submissive. He needs to be a grownup in many ways, before he gets a chance to ride the Tony Train.
My life has reached its limit on immature subs, so I use my favorite tool: some one-on-one time, over coffee, in a neutral space like a coffee-shop. I spend some focused, quality time with the prospective playmate to judge HIS suitability.
For MY pleasures.
If we aren't a match, I thank him for his time, clearly and kindly let him down (no ambiguity) and move on. After all of this time, I have learned that I am not
- a light switch that can be turned on in an instant, or
- a Chinese menu, where the sub can choose one from Column A, and two from Column B.
I will be happy to consider his desires, but first, I want to take him on a whole new rollercoaster of pleasure that will make the eyes roll back in his head. I don't expect him to know what the plan is. I will take care of that.
I just want him to TRUST me. That's a big part of the hourlong chat over coffee. If he won't extend trust, even after I am being metaphorically naked before him for a full hour, then I lose interest. I am pretty convincing, so a disconnect is rare.
The bottom line is that I am confident in my ability to thrill most subs. I don't have any desire to thrill ALL of them. As I tell the Sirs who I mentor:
"Just because somebody is being NEEDY, it does not obligate you to be FEEDY."
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