My Best Life Lesson

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Papa Tony:

I am 63 years old.  I recently picked up some take-out at a local Italian restaurant.  As I was waiting for my order to be ready, I chatted with the 19-year-old man who was behind the cash register.  He suddenly burst out, asking "WHAT makes you so special?"

I asked him what he was referring to.  He said "Every employee has come up and hugged you - even the manager!"

I told him how I did it.  I grew up in a household with very definite rules:

• - Whoever hits the hardest, and yells the loudest, wins.
• - Never apologize, and never explain.
• - It's a good thing to fight, after storing up resentments until the anger bursts out, wildly out of control.  That's how relationships work.

Well, being a sensitive soul (and after being on the wrong end of the bully stick too many times), I renounced these philosophies when I was 21 years old.  The problem was, I needed something to REPLACE them with.

I attended a lot of self-help workshops, such as the Landmark Forum.  They are FULL of useful, life-affirming concepts, and I picked-out various philosophical tidbits that have served me very well over the decades.

However, the best philosophy, the one that has paid off BIG in my life, is one that came to me all at once, all on my own in 1976:

I made up my mind to treat everyone that I met as if they were my favorite brother or sister.  No exceptions.

I'm HUGE.  Nearly 300 pounds, and six foot five.  Imagine me shoving my way through a crowd, saying "Get the FUCK out of my way, ASSHOLE!"  If I were to do that (and I don't, but bear with me here), I would surely get some serious "ASSHOLE!!!" right back at me, and I would deserve it.

On the other hand:

If I treat each person that I meet as someone with majesty, and worth, and a good heart, then most times, that's what I get right back.  Folks stand a little taller, and push their chest out, and wag their tails like crazy around me, because this is NOT the usual approach.  They want to RISE to be what I think of them.

Back when my husband Dennis and I were dating, 28 years ago, we went out for a dinner date.  He was watching me VERY closely.  He had dated another guy just recently.  THAT guy was all "nicey-nicey" to HIS face, but treated the waiter like crap.

When he dated ME, I would always engage the servers affectionately, making them giggle with silly lines like:

- Server "Welcome!  How are you?"  Me: "HUNGRY!  Where's all the FOOD?!?"  Big grin on both sides.

- Server: "Which of those specials would you like?" Me: "Surprise me - I won't look!  I'm not as picky as I look.  I trust your judgment."

- After the server would work very hard to make sure that we had an excellent experience, I would loudly say "Wow - You're putting in a lot of effort for only a three-percent gratuity!"  I would wear a silly grin when saying this.  I would ALWAYS follow this up with an exceptionally generous tip, which they wouldn't discover until after I was gone.

- I might ask for the manager.  This is usually a cause for dread in a restaurant.  I would then give a glowing review of our dining experience (but ONLY if it was true - I refuse to bullshit anybody).  I have keen observational skills, and very little escapes me.  I would go point-by-point down a long list of what had brought us such pleasure.  I would always end up by saying "When people are dissatisfied, they scream and shout, but when they are satisfied, they tend to go away and not say anything.  I choose to balance out the other folks."

I could give dozens of such examples, but the underlying concept is that I was treating the staff as people with a sense of humor, a good heart, and who I already liked.  This was in direct contrast with...

Anxiety Transfer

This horrid concept was a major part of what I renounced when I was 21.  Here is the scenario:

I'm in a shitty mood.  On some level, it makes me somehow feel better to spread that mood AROUND.  I will drive offensively, using my car (and car horn) as a weapon of intimidation.  I will verbally abuse strangers, PARTICULARLY somebody trapped behind a counter.  They can't retaliate, because they don't want to lose their job.  That makes them easy prey for abuse.

Well, I used to be that guy.  Until I was 21.  I decided that I was sick of spreading around bad karma.  I became dedicated to GOOD karma.

Incidentally, that same concept works exceptionally well when creating community.  By treating the new arrivals as somebody who we want to know, and who will surely add value, then they are more likely to stick around and prove us RIGHT.

Bringing It All Back Home

Kindness does not automatically make you a doormat.  You can be a fully-formed, complete human being with a spine and a strong sense of self-worth, AND silly and sweet.  Being openly affectionate and respectful does not make you look weak.  In fact, it builds up an enormous amount of wind beneath your wings.

Folks who are petty, and who indulge in bullying LOSE their support-systems.

My own support-system is the strongest one that I know of, and I continue to earn it every day by caring about how I carry myself in the world, and those who share my journey.

Even if they only work behind a counter.

UPDATE:  It appears that others agree with me.