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ukstudentalpha:
We can start by running through a bad apology.
- Use words that signpost what you’re doing as an apology; say that you’re sorry, that you want to apologize, that you regret your actions.
- Explain how it wasn’t actually your fault, OR vaguely gesture towards some truism that exonerates you. This can take many forms, but it can be anything from “it was a dumb mistake, but we all do stupid things” to “you see I was already really angry about-”.
- Imply that the apology is all that is needed for things to return to normal, as though this is the default resolution.
Bad apologies look and sound like an apology superficially, present mitigating circumstances, and are made with the intention of returning things to normal. I hope that everyone reading this can understand that this approach is a bad one. Here is a framework for a good apology. It’s pretty hefty, so certainly save it for a serious situation.
1: INTENT. Ask yourself why you are apologizing. To give a meaningful apology, you need to start with the intent to apologize. You aren’t trying to fix the relationship or win them back, or get your friend to stop hating you, or anything like that. You’re going in to show that you know what you did is wrong, to make amends, and you don’t have any selfish intent.
2: DEMONSTRATE EMPATHY. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you’ve given some thought to why what you did is wrong. Show that you’ve put yourself in their shoes. Be ready to listen here, since the person you’ve wronged may want to make sure you actually understand what they went through.
3: SHOW REMORSE. Say that you feel guilty over what you did, and that you know you did something wrong. If there’s anything you can do to make amends, this is a good place to offer that.
4: EXPLAIN INTENT. With 2 and 3 behind you, you can simply make it clear that you wanted to apologize because you know you wronged them, and you feel it is right that you apologize. If you feel it’s necessary, make it clear that you’re apologizing in the hope of making things better and giving some closure, and not because you plan to gain something from it.
5: THEIR MOVE. This is an interactive process, not a one-sided one. Keep in mind that no one owes you their forgiveness or their time. So make it clear that you understand that. It’s up to you whether you move past it. A good apology may improve your odds, since you’re showing real remorse and empathizing with them, but that isn’t the purpose of it.
Here’s an example.
I know that what I did was out of order. You were clearly uncomfortable and I pushed too hard, and I should have known that you would be embarrassed and angry. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. I upset you, and I want to do what I can to make you feel better, or give you some closure. I hope that you forgive me, but I understand if you feel you can’t.
Actually apologizing requires some introspection and maturity. To do it properly you need to put your own ego aside and do what you can to make the other person feel better. It’s a skill that is definitely worth developing.
Good points! A few other things to NOT do when you apologize:
1) Don’t make it conditional: “If I said that, I’m sorry.” The whole point of an apology is to admit you did something wrong, so don’t try to weasel out of it. Better: “I said something that hurt you, and I really regret it.”
2) Don’t make it about the other person’s perceptions: “I’m really sorry if you thought I was ignoring you.” This one is about trying to making the issue the other person’s reaction instead of your action. Better: “I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored, but I did. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful next time.”
3) Don’t use the passive voice. “Mistakes were made.” Who made the mistake? Some other guy? No, YOU made it, so it’s you’re responsibility. You see this ALL THE TIME with politicians and corporations. Better: “I made a mistake when I stood you up. I’m really sorry.”
4) Don’t use what the other person did as an excuse to justify your actions. “You cheated on me, so I felt I had to even the score.” You’re an adult, and you have complete control over your actions. Just because the other person did something that upset you doesn’t mean you get to upset them. Abusers use this CONSTANTLY as a way to make their victim feel guilty. Better: “I shouldn’t have slept with him. I know I was angry that you cheated, but I still shouldn’t have done it.”
5) Don’t claim that what you didn’t does represent you. “I know I lied to you, but that’s not who I really am.” Sorry, buttercup, if you did it, it’s exactly who you are. We’re defined by our actions and choices, not by what we want to be true. Better: “I’m sorry that I lied to you. I don’t want to be the sort of person who lies, so I’m gonna do my best to be more honest with you in the future.”
What does this have to do with BDSM and kink, the whole subject of this blog? Two things. A) Kinky relationships are still relationships, and relationships involve apologizing occasionally. Doms and subs screw up just like everyone else, and we have to learn to apologize to those we’ve hurt or offended. The line between BDSM and abuse can get a little blurry sometimes, and apologizing is one of the things that helps keep it from moving into non-consensual territory (although abusers often apologize–see #4). I’ve had to apologize to my boys several times, once or twice for really major fuck-ups. It’s sucks, but it’s still my responsibility because I’ve got the control.
B) A lot of guys eroticize cheating. This is particularly true of cucks and their bulls, as well as ‘straight’ guys on the DL. If you’ve got an agreement that cheating is ok, it’s not really cheating. If you don’t have such an agreement, stop doing it and apologize and have a long talk with your partner about your needs. Cheating is, by definition, non-consensual, and non-consensual play ins’t BDSM; it’s abuse. Man up, even if you’re a pussyboy, and be honest about your needs.
Papa Tony:
The original “How To Apologize” topic above this was written by a man who is twenty years old. He is my long-distance friend, and we share valuable knowledge together.
I point this out because quality, depth, wisdom and character are NOT tied to age. Old farts like me do not have a monopoly on bringing new insights, like Moses bringing the tablets down the mountain.
Don’t stereotype younger men. The word that I advise everyone to remove from their dictionary is referring to younger gay kinksters as “kids.” It’s an insult to the ones who arrive as superstars among us, if we maintain the desire to notice them when they show up.
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