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Papa Tony: This is a slightly-updated version of a much older article. I was not as accomplished of a writer in those days, but I wrote with passion and joy.
My husband Dennis and I got married in 1991, before it was legal, or trendy. We had been together for one year at that point.
My husband Dennis and I got married in 1991, before it was legal, or trendy. We had been together for one year at that point.
We got married again during the March On Washington in 1993, as part of a mass wedding of around 250 couples. I had grabbed a piece of chalk and drawn the heart in the photo, and it proved to be irresistible to many, many news photographers. Our picture went out on the AP Wire, and was on the front page of many newspapers worldwide.
Then, in 2001, we registered as Domestic Partners in California, the moment that it became legal. The primary benefit was that I could finally be a part of Dennis' employer health benefits. Plus, it felt GOOD to be legally acknowledged as a couple. We were in no way satisfied, because we didn't want to be jumping the broom, like second-class citizens. We knew that we were HUSBANDS, and referred to each other that way.
Then, in 2001, we registered as Domestic Partners in California, the moment that it became legal. The primary benefit was that I could finally be a part of Dennis' employer health benefits. Plus, it felt GOOD to be legally acknowledged as a couple. We were in no way satisfied, because we didn't want to be jumping the broom, like second-class citizens. We knew that we were HUSBANDS, and referred to each other that way.
We got legally married in California in 2008, but we rarely remember to celebrate that anniversary. We talked about it when marriage became legal, and we knew that there wasn't a single thing that anybody could do to make us feel even 1% more married. We finally decided to go for it, just to force a public official to acknowledge us.
The 1991 marriage is what put us on the family map in a BIG way, and is the only anniversary that we celebrate. That's the one that shocked the generations in our family into taking us much more seriously as a couple - Invitations changed from "Tony and Guest" to "Tony and Dennis."
Out of ten siblings in my family's generation, our marriage is the third longest-lasting. If we DARE to stay seated during slow songs at family wedding-receptions, we get a crowd of nieces and nephews physically yanking us out of our chairs so that we will be a visibly loving, long-term male couple on the dance-floor.
I've been in many relationships, including one that lasted ten years. This is the easiest relationship I've ever been in. I can easily see us staying together for the rest of our lives. We still hold hands everywhere, we cuddle close every morning, we share the same politics, and we always talk our way through any disagreements.
He is the love of my life!
I arrived at 6:30 AM on August 3rd, 1991. I came early, to claim the prime picnic spot at the big meadow. Behind us was the bay, where there would be folks jet skiing later on in the day. In front of us was the meadow, where the battle kite flyers would be controlling their huge, colorful and bizarre-shaped kites with 4 strings and both hands. Around us were several dozen date palms.
I drove the 1965 Chrysler New Yorker station wagon, which was riding very low, due to the tables, 20-by-20-foot yellow-and-white canopy, 5-foot barbecue and all manner of other items I was lugging.
I was earlier than I needed to be, but I unloaded a few things to claim the spot, sat down and started to write down my thoughts. Up to this point, Dennis and I had had a few ideas about the ceremony, but I realized that morning that the whole thing would last 30 seconds unless I created a speech to greet everyone. I started to write, and it was a real mixed bag of concepts.
On the one hand, I was thrilled that my family and friends were on their way, but I was also angry that about 50% of my family members had decided not to come. My greeting speech was pretty angry in some parts. I wrote down 5 pages worth, and showed it to Dennis when he showed up around 7:30 in the 1961 Imperial Crown Coupe. He told me that my speech needed to be toned down, since I would be addressing the folks who loved us enough to show up. Good idea!
I looked around with relief, because the weather appeared to be ideal. San Diego has summer weather that fools a lot of tourists. It starts out cloudy nearly every morning, the sun starts to peek through around 9:30, the cloud cover burns away by 11:00, and the rest of the day is gorgeous. That's the way this day turned out, but I had been nervous about it, since we had gotten mild drizzles of rain the morning before.
Dennis' sister Pat, her daughter Maggie, his brother Jim, Jim's wife Tracy and their baby daughter Katie arrived, and we all pitched in with unloading the wagon, setting up the canopy, tables and barbecue. My sister Mo showed up at 8:30 AM, with her family and her friend Linda to help finish the setting up. They brought helium-filled yellow and white balloons and lots of other picnic stuff. My nephew Eric brought his boom box and two cassette tapes of our favorite music. He had been laboring over the mixing and arrangement of tunes, and he did a great job.
My nephew Jeff manned the video camera all day, which is normally MY job at weddings. Jeff took up the slack so that I could be free to relax at my own wedding. Mo's mate Jack would be barbecuing later, but he helped with the setup and unpacking.
Mo brought a superb cake, complete with a cake topper of a little gazebo containing two little top-hatted men kissing. At least half of the pictures that day were taken of that cake topper! Mo's friend Kay, the cake decorator at Vons, had done the cake decorating.
Dave and Karen York arrived early to help (as usual!), with Dave's mother Shirley. Shirley was one of only two people there who had ever been to a wedding of a male couple. My sisters Suzy, Mimi and Barby came, and then most of the rest of the people arrived between 9 and 10 a.m.
Dennis and I changed into our wedding duds and washed up in the nearby bathroom. We wore matching outfits: white cotton pants, yellow-and-gold Hawaiian shirts, and dark blue sandals. This was very well-received by everyone there: We walked to the canopy hand-in hand, and many pictures were taken. There was no doubt that we were a couple.
We served sweet rolls and Kona coffee, and Dennis and I bustled around greeting everybody.
Being a car club president, I have a strong instinct to get people chatting with each other, and I could see many folks standing shyly by themselves. My friend Carol Kerr offered to make name tags, which turned out to be a great idea. Each tag said something like "Jane Doe, Tony's neighbor". I grabbed people by the elbows and dragged them up to other folks and suggested that they introduce themselves.
It worked, because the conversations were going full force within a couple of minutes. Many of the guests wanted to help and didn't know how to ask, so I 'd go up to someone who looked particularly idle and ask them to perform a task. In every case, they took over that job and performed it superbly, even if it lasted all day.
I'd like to say more about that. I'm the type of person who usually tries to do everything myself. On my wedding day, I decided to "let go", to allow my beloved friends take care of the day for me. Since only the people who wanted to be there had come, everyone who came, pitched right in. It was as much a community effort as a barn-raising. This is exactly what I like in a wedding. I've been to so many of them where everything was pre-planned, locked-in and uninvolving for the guests. I recommend the helping-hands alternative very strongly!
Dennis and I had decided to make it a potluck banquet. We ended up with twice as much food as everyone could eat, so we divvied up the remainder later. The idea of having a potluck was not motivated by cheapness on our part. We could have afforded to have the whole thing catered, but we didn't like the idea.
I got an early indication we were right when I heard from my sister Mo on the topic. She told me that the sister's gossip network was demanding that they be allowed to contribute to the wedding's success. Mo took responsibility for the potluck coordination, along with about 80 other projects, which she eventually handed away so that more folks could be involved.
Dennis and I didn't get to see very much of each other for awhile, since we were circulating separately. Every once in a while, we'd cross paths and we'd hug and kiss and then head on out again.
There was only one problem with having this event be a potluck: there were folks who didn't arrive who were supposed to bring important stuff, and we had to make a couple of grocery runs before the ceremony could begin. I went from group to group. letting them know of the plans as they changed. Nobody seemed to mind at all, since this was already such an atypical wedding.
My sister Suzy was the master of ceremonies, and she and my other sisters called everyone together in a circle, in an area surrounded by palm trees.. Dennis and I were called to stand at the head of the arrangement, with our direct relatives arrayed on each side of us. I suddenly lost my composure. I started crying, which I didn't expect at all. I saw everyone there looking at us, and I felt their love pouring into me. My defenses fell away from me, and I felt as if Dennis and I were tiny children together before our extended families, basking in their approval. There was unconditional love around the entire circle, and I was naked to it.
Suzy called on me to give my talk, and my notes were almost worthless to me. I had written them in a stew of contradictory feelings, and everything had changed. I knew now that this was the day my life had been leading up to. I knew that all of the old hurts and fears were gone, and our life together was starting over from this point. I cut past the bullshit and old baggage, and said what was in my heart.
This is what I said, (omitting the tearful pauses):
"We could have done this very differently today. There are at least three churches in town that would have been happy to marry us, with the tuxedos and all of that. We could have done the engraved invitations. However, we chose to do this in a sincere and relaxed fashion. We pioneered a few things, like the newsletter we sent out.
We invited all of you because we love you very much. You're here because you love us. Since Dennis and I first met a year ago, we've been cocooning at home, cuddling and loving each other, and pretty much closing our lives down so that it was the two of us in a circle. We've been doing that big experiment : when people meet, we find out whether we're compatible. Overwhelmingly, we've found that we are very compatible.
Today is our wedding day, in the most traditional way. We're gathering all of our loved ones together to publicly announce our love and commitment to each other, and the relationship that we share.
It would be very, very easy for us to have not had this event today. It's common for gay couples throughout history to just get together, to hang out together and to fade away from the family. It was a hard decision for us. We made the decision when my dear sister Mimi encouraged us back in December. It was something that we dreamt about, but we hadn't dared to think about. As a matter of fact, it took me about 4 months before I could actually call it a wedding. I kept calling it an 'exchanging of vows ceremony'.
Everyone here knows us personally. Everyone knows that we are warm, wonderful human beings, and I'm going to say that: We are wonderful. We take the right to be sharing our love with everyone, like all of the rest of the people in my family, like all of Dennis' family, like all of our families.
Aside from today, Dennis and I are doing a lot of very good things together. We're combining our lives together, combining our finances. We're taking the necessary legal steps to get durable power-of-attorney for each other. This is not a frivolous thing. This is one of the things that meant the most for me to talk about.
In this day and age, with so many of our dear friends dying of AIDS, it's not a frivolous thing to be in a loving relationship as a male couple. Dennis was very sick a few months back. He was wasting away after 4 days of this really awful stomach flu. I was driving home, with chicken soup in a can, and I was thinking 'What if this is the Big One?' I knew, absolutely and to the very root of me, that I would never abandon him. My commitment was total, and I knew that it was the exact same way with him.
And so, in front of the rest of you, I'm saying that I'm absolutely committed to this relationship. We intend to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We stand in front of you, with you as our witnesses. Thank you so much for being here. This means so much to us. Thank you very much."While I was saying all of this, there were many cameras going like crazy. I've seen weddings with a few cameras, but nothing like this! Everybody was determined to document their first gay wedding.
It was now time to read our vows. Everyone around the circle joined hands. Dennis and I alternated reading the paragraphs, and read the last one together. Here is the text of our vows:
VOWS OF MARRIAGE
Now that we’ve found what we have both been looking for, a relationship based on a sharing between equals, it is time for a declaration of our love and our intentions. We share many interests and opinions. Although we are not identical, we complement each other with our differences. We have learned that we have a love that continues to grow and mature.
We are two men who work together, play together and cry together. We cherish each other’s company, and respect each other’s need for time alone. We care deeply about each other’s needs and desires. We share a bond that is strong and meant to last. Mostly we have found a best friend who will listen and who will share his most intimate dreams and ambitions. With a love this meaningful, we are proud to tell the world that we are now living as a married couple.
We vow to work out our differences by the end of every day. We promise to continue building a relationship that is ever-growing and vital. We will stick by each other through sickness and health, whether rich or poor. We promise to endure the hard times and stay together for the rest of our lives. We look forward to a day when all men and women can feel free to openly express their love and relationships in the presence of dear family and friends.
To this end, today we exchange these promises and gold rings as symbols of our commitment for all to see.
We kissed, and My sister Barby said "With great pride and happiness, I'd like to present our newly married couple, Tony and Dennis!" everybody clapped, and a few people cried, and Dennis' sister Pat stepped forward and said "You may all have noticed that there is no maid of honor, no best man. They have a sheet here that they'd like you all to sign on as witnesses."
The coals had been started in the barbecue, so four people appointed themselves chefs. We had chicken breasts, pork ribs and swordfish steaks, with cajun barbecue sauce provided by my best friend John Chevis. John and I were in the Navy together, but fell out of touch until a few weeks before the wedding.
I appointed our 8-year-old niece Maggie to be the one who got the eating started. There was a large bowl of bite-sized chunks of fruit, and Maggie dished out some of it into bowls and handed to everybody until she ran out of bowls. I asked our friend Butch to do the same with the drinks. I've been to many weddings where folks were afraid to be the first ones to dig into the buffet.
There were several tables loaded with casserole dishes containing pasta salad, snack chips and the like, and we had a coverlet laid out under the canopy for the cards and the gifts. We had specified that we were NOT soliciting gifts for ourselves, and everyone followed our suggestions. We received many cards containing checks made out to Auntie Helen's Fluff 'n Fold, which is our favorite charity. Others indicated they had already made contributions in our names. The volunteers at Auntie Helens provide many services to people sick with AIDS.
I allowed myself to fall into my favorite role at weddings: passing out food! I cut the cake in custom pieces for every person that came up. If that kid wanted a flower on her cake, that's the piece she got. If somebody else wanted minimal frosting, then I took care of it. I felt like I was parceling out love and approval with every piece.
Unknown to me, they had been busy decorating our 1961 Imperial Crown Coupe (with the big tailfins). They had made dozens of tissue flowers and had firmly attached them all over the car. Mimi had made a sign saying "JUST MARRIED", and had handed it around to be signed by the wedding party. It took a long time to read everyone's notes of best wishes after we got home. Mimi had placed slightly inflated yellow, ribbed condoms on the antenna, which were a big hit and raised much hilarity. I gave everybody a tour of the car's unique features, like the swivel bucket seats and the Triple Trumpet horns, which sound like a freight train at close range. Fully decorated, it was an eye-popper of a honeymoon chariot!
Everyone who was still there got busy taking down the canopy and gathering things to be taken home. Of course there were plenty of bowls and spoons that nobody has claimed yet, but that's typical. We loaded up the cars, and Dennis and I drove away with the wagon being driven by the nephews. We took surface streets to avoid tearing the flowers off of the car, honking at regular intervals. We got a lot of "thumbs-up" signs from the people we passed by, and we always made sure to honk at the cute construction workers to say howdy as we went by.
We got home and tried to take a nap, but we were too happy and excited.
The entire day had been a complete success. It truly ended up as the happiest day of my life. Nothing went wrong! Several people told me that it was the most sincere wedding that they had ever attended. We spent the evening and the next day visiting with Dennis' family, and we left on our honeymoon early Tuesday morning.
We drove up to Santa Barbara and stayed at a bed-and-breakfast inn, then drove to San Francisco and spent a few days hiking around the gay sections of town. We squandered money like crazy and had a wonderful time.
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