Showing posts with label #Mentoring4Subs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #Mentoring4Subs. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Resisting Use of Safe Words

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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As I have progressed deeper down the path of my submission, I am experienced enough to know that safe words matter and are important. Except I find myself mentally and emotionally refusing to use them. Part of me feels like it is a test and I should stretch myself and endure it and another part feels like it would be disobedient and even impolite to refuse Sir anything as a true submissive. Am I being TOO submissive?
Papa Tony:

Not at all. I have seen the same thing happen thousands of times:

Safe words are an emergency escape hatch, in cases where there is little established trust between both parties… at least so far. Safe words are healthy and useful.



If I am connecting well with a sub, safe words don’t tend to come up after the initial lecture. A big part of that is because I am entirely focused upon the play-scene. I am dedicated to an excellent result. I want the sub to bless my memory, decades after we have played.

If I am playing with an inexperienced sub, then I get all fussy about their responsibility to speak up, so that I don’t brutalize them without realizing that I am doing it. Even at this age, I can still break most folks like a twig without even trying.

My subs know that I could easily go forty times harder, but that is never my goal. I want them to get to where they need to be, and then take it just a TEENSY bit farther, so that I can praise them for their abilities. Together, we have successfully expanded their envelope of experiences.

Please understand - I am hyper-perceptive. Not all Sirs are. Safe words are a great tool. And, if it feels right to you to go the extra distance to please your trusted Sir, then by all means, resist the urge. Be that way. You are fine.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Where are the Mentors for Subs?

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Anonymous said: Hello SIR. I am a sub and new to BDSM (in my 40's I’m a late bloomer!). I see that, through Yourself and many other Doms on tumblr, there seems to be no shortage of people willing to mentor other Doms. How about subs? Is there a network out there of subs mentoring other subs? Do You recommend any subs that I should follow on tumblr? Thank You for Your time SIR.

UPDATE:  Click on the tag "#MentoringForSubs" at the bottom of this article.  This will bring up every relevant article in the Kink mentoring Archives.

I’m rather new to the Tumblr culture, and I confess that I have no idea. So, if somebody knows an answer that would help our brother, please reply to this post, or reblog it. You will be doing everybody a huge favor.

Frankly, submissives like you are why I choose specifically to focus upon Sirs, Doms, Masters and Daddies. I want good subs like you to have some decent choices waiting for you when you are ready to step up to your next level. My ultimate desire is to see hundreds of thousands of happy, secure and successful COUPLES, and Leather Families.

Update:  Try Submissiveguide.com



From @superdred43

For the sub asking Papa Tony how to find a mentor for subs…

Well there is an international organization. It’s found on line: MAST (Masters and slaves Together).
It is a very welcoming group of BDSM devotees who will happily assist and mentor both masters and slaves in a nonjudgmental, friendly and affirming atmosphere. Highly recommended. World wide in most locations in the USA and Europe. as well as New Zealand Australia and parts of the Far East. Good luck…dr. ed

What Is Wrong With My Dick?

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Despite my intense sexual excitement leading up to and at the beginning of sex, I quickly go soft and stay only semi-hard if I am submitting. I would rather please than be pleasured but this often seems to insult or turn off the Dom/Sir. What is wrong with me & my dick? 

Papa Tony:

Easy answer. There is NOTHING wrong with your dick. Any Dom that pressures a sub to stay hard (and takes it personally) is ignorant. Its just a fact - for some subs, their dick is not the center of their sexual universe during play. Its perfectly normal and natural.

One of my most-common phrases is, This Is Not a Porn Movie. I have to use that phrase a lot when training a new Sir or sub. Performance Anxiety is difficult to deal with, but it’s not something discussed on most porn-oriented Tumblr sites. It doesn’t fit into the fantasy frame, so it is ignored.

So, go look at some porn-video sites, and really take the time to notice the bottoms (usually during a gangbang) whose dicks stay entirely limp. In fact, you’ll see the bottom hiding his limp penis with his hand as he shifts around.

My suggestion? Reassure the Sir that what he is doing is of the finest quality, and highly pleasing. Practice saying things like “This is natural for me. I’m one of those subs whose primary sexual organ is my ASS” (or whatever else might be true for you.) State it right away, early in the scene, so that HE doesn’t wind himself up like a cheap watch and get distracted by his “failure” to get you hard.

Balancing Between Submission and Dominance

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blueballoonboy: 

Dear Papa/Sir, I am deeply submissive but need to lead and be more assertive at work. How do I maintain authenticity and balance in both?

Papa Tony:

First, be aware that this is a lot more common than you may realize. I wish I could relate the stories of all of the Army drill sergeants, corporate CEO’s, US Marine Division Commanders, Navy Lieutenants and other perfectly capable and dominant men in my life who have also had a strong need to express their submissive sides. It’s called “Putting Life In Balance.”

In the business world, you have a lot of tactical and interpersonal dynamics that you have to deal with. By the end of the day, you need that pendulum to SWING in the other direction. This is quite normal. It takes a conscious shift to get into Bottom Space for a while.

That’s what protocols are for.

I’ve written a separate article that talks about ways of letting go of the outside world, and relaxing into being your deeper, more authentic self for a while. It helps a LOT if you have an understanding Sir, who knows what to do.

Going Into Service As a Gateway

Having a sacred set of traditions after a hard day can make a positive difference. I can imagine you coming home, stripping down naked, kneeling for the Sir, hearing the collar lock go “click,” taking care of what is needed around the house (feeding pets, preparing dinner, tidying up, and relaxing at the feet of your Sir and giving him a foot rub while watching TV together) can go a long way toward getting you out of one mode and into another.

By the time that you have gone through specific, ritual, after-work routines, you are back where you need to be.

You will notice that I am not saying “Head Into The Dungeon And Get Your Brains Fucked Out.” Sure, it’s a lovely idea, and so therapeutic! However, even Superman needs some time off to wind down. Most folks don’t have wild, raucous party extravaganzas every day.

I’m talking about actual reality, which is what you are asking about. I wish you success in your life!

Dear Submissives

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temptingdominance:

Can you please for for the love of god stop paying attention to that bullshit on Tumblr that tells you that you’re supposed to be a worthless object? You do realize that everybody who is spouting off about that crap doesn’t put their face or their address online?

BECAUSE IT ISN’T REAL!

You’re not going to spend your life in a basement serving somebody. It’s a fucking fantasy. And it bullshit like this that destroys the positive and meaningful interactions with in BDSM.

No one is dominant or submissive 100% of the time. It’s not possible. We’re human beings. We need to rest. We need to rejuvenate. Yeah you can have a hot session that goes on for a full weekend. You can embrace every bit of who you are as a dominant or submissive. But there’s always a break.

And if you haven’t figured this out, real dominant men provide Aftercare and take of their boys. Full stop. It’s not even a question. If somebody is going to put you through an intense situation and can’t even fucking bother holding onto you and caressing you to let you calm down, they’re just a piece of shit. There is something psychologically wrong with them and you shouldn’t be around them in the first place.

Let’s address this Alpha bullshit. No one is better than somebody else. No person is ordained as this creature that is meant to be superior to others. If someone honestly leaves that they are better than someone else on purely a basis of humanity, they are most likely a sad individual. They never achieved anything meaningful. Maybe one day they started going to the gym and realize that someone was attracted to them and then they could exert their low self-esteem on another. Can’t fucking stand people like this. And they spout their bullshit all over the internet.

And here’s the simple truth to all of this, you may read this right now and think that I’m completely wrong. But as soon as the fantasy wears off, you start to realize that a good man is far better than anything that this fantasy world could ever provide.

So please wake the fuck up. Believe in yourself. Know that you don’t deserve to be treated like crap. Submission is a gift. The dominant has to be worthy of it. You make that determination not them.

Stand up for yourself. I believe in you. Look past the bullshit.

Sincerely,

A good dominant man that’s tired of seeing people abused.

Absolutely true

More and more Ethical Sirs are gathering together in brotherhood, and spreading the message expressed so eloquently and wisely by @temptingdominance. It’s time to counteract the crapola.


August 11th, 2018 1:12am

Monday, December 24, 2018

Online Porn Doms Terrify Me

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mysadisticdesires:

The mindset frightens me, the entitlement and that sudden rage that overcomes them when they don’t get their way…

The idea that because they identify as a d-type, or at least they think they do, means that every s-type will fall to their knees in worship is ridiculous! If you’ve spent any time in the scene then you know that a certain respect is given which goes both ways but never an unwielding devotion because you’re on the left side of the slash.

These relationships/dynamics are built on intimate information gathered about your partner. You have to know everything you would in a vanilla relationship plus triggers, flags, fetishes, safe words, head spaces and much more.

A Dominant’s position is not about power - not one bit - it’s about the responsibility that comes with being given control.

We need to be aware that a large percentage of internet and tumblr dominants are nothing more than fantasists, with little, or no real experience.

However, by virtue of the dangerous practices they mindlessly promote, these fantasists pose an equal, or perhaps an even greater threat to those wanting to physically engage with the reality of BDSM, than the, “*few total psychopaths and sadists,” who prey on unsuspecting, or inexperienced sub’s.

Ultimately, a dominant’s power should always come from earned trust and respect. Alarm bells should be going off loud and clear, when encountering a Dominant who demands trust, or respect, as his superior right.

Follow your instinct; “If a dominant feels wrong, he probably is wrong, and is not someone you should be trusting.”

Dave Gregory dgbastide-blog

*With 37 year’s experience of this scene, I’ve met hundreds of responsible Dominants, and personally, only four who I considered a real threat, due to their sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. I don’t know of any empirical research that supports my personal experience.

The problem with “follow your instincts” is that for many subs, it’s their submissive instincts that enable assholes to take advantage of them. And novice subs can easily confuse a warning bell instinct with nervousness at finally getting to serve someone who seems like a dom. Subs want to serve and when they’re first starting out, those instincts can get them into a lot of trouble.

So instead of just following your gut feeling, follow your reason as well. Look for the warning signs:

1) does he seem to respect you, even if he’s talking down or talking rough to you? If not, that’s a warning sign

2) does he seem concerned with your pleasure and your needs? If not, that’s a warning sign

3) does he discuss safety with you—safe words, your limits, your experience level? If not, that’s a warning sign

4) does he intimidate you, or does he scare you? A good dom can often be a little intimidating, but a scary dom is a warning sign

5) does he seem confident, or does he seem needy and demanding? Confidence is usually relaxed and takes obstacles in stride, whereas a bad dom seems fragile and unable to handle obstacles calmly. Brittleness is a warning sign

6) is he seducing you into submitting, or is he trying to brow beat you into submitting? Brow-beating is a warning sign

7) is he willing to wait a few days or weeks until you get comfortable with him, or is he expecting your obedience right from the start? Immediate service is a warning sign

8) does he understand that submission requires him to show he’s trustworthy? If not, that’s a warning sign

One of these signs might just mean he’s still learning his dominance, that he’s a little old-school in his approach, or having an off-day, but several mean he’s probably not a good dom 

Papa Tony:

Powerful, wise advice here. I just wish that more folks understood the distinction between being a bully, and being an Ethical Sir. I’ve done a lot of talking about this for years.

Elephants in Africa

Ivory poachers naturally seek to kill the very largest elephants, because they have the higher-value large tusks. Science has shown that this killing-pattern has a terrible effect upon the surviving elephants. The long memory and wisdom of the elders can make the crucial difference for survival when heavy drought takes the water away,

It also has a devastating effect upon rhino populations. When young male elephants go wild without a guiding elder male nearby, the young male elephants will rape and kill rhinos.

That is an extreme example, but it makes my point: We’ve been hurt as a Tribe by the loss of positive, older role-models to AIDS. The ones who DIDN’T die haven’t exactly been stepping up to be wise Elders who actively help their younger brothers. Too much PTSD.

So, we need to go in a different direction.



(I wrote this next part in summer 2018, before Tumblr melted down - I hope to find out where everybody went AFTER Tumblr):

I’m seeing some very encouraging signs that Tumblr - YEAH, THE PORN SITE - is a great place to find like-minded men. It is where the target demographic hangs out on a regular basis. I never would have guessed that this is the prime real-estate for mentors and advisors. An resource for men who seek a Tribal oasis amidst the distraction and noise of the Internet.

We are starting to find more remaining, visible and ethical Sirs (young, old and in between) to stand together and do some positive role-modeling. Just as everyone is doing here, we can speak of our experiences.

That way, the “Treat Subs Like Shit” porn-fantasy voices are balanced by other, workable and rewarding viewpoints. Wise men of all ages and paths have value, and have much to contribute to newer men who are wise enough to use us as resources.

There ARE visible, lovable, honorable and respectable men among us here, such as @realpowerexchange, @Alexander Martin, @ukstudentalpha, @hadriantemple, @imlostinvertigo, @boysandsirs, @dirtydaddythings, @dgbastide-blog and many, many more that are popping up.

I am very optimistic about the future.

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Getting Into The Game

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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Good evening, Sir, nice to meet You. I’m a Brazilian virgin gay boy and i think i might me a sub, but i’m not sure of that. I crave a lot for submission and i even have created my blog as a escape for my fantasies. But aside from those fantasies, i don’t really know who i am. Sometimes i have a urge to submit and i really dream of being with a Man who takes control, but at the same time, even if this is a fantasy in bed, i don’t wanna be considered inferior or an object, or be under control 24/7. In my mind, i just want a boyfriend who takes control, who’s a Dom, but at the same time would be my vanilla boyfriend. I mean, i like vanilla stuff too. I want a traditional relationship with someone, Sir, like being boyfriends, and getting married in a non-open relationship -pretty vanila-, those kind of things. But at the same time, i want Him to put me on a collar and “force me” to kiss His boots… I’m really confused about myself and all those things, Sir. I don’t think i ever will find a Man who’s gonna love me as partner and sub and, even though, how i will enter in a relationship if i’m not even certain of myself? Can You please share some wisdom with me, Sir?
Papa Tony:

Thanks for sharing, young brother. First, full disclosure… Like all of us, I also grew up in a cultural environment that stresses monogamy above all. It’s a lovely ideal. It’s superb to focus upon one man, and dive deep into uninterrupted mutual exploration, for years at a time. It is our birthright to have HONEYMOON in our lives. And, honeymoon ends at some point. We have to be real about our needs, even when it’s no longer magical.

In my direct observation over the last four decades, having a MONOGAMY ABOVE ALL goal is why so many gay relationships fall apart after they have lasted around six months to two and a half years. Think about it: You have never explored just how attractive, fun and playmate-thrilling you are, yet. It’s called “slutting around.” and I think that it is healthy to be open to new possibilities while you are young.

Then, like so many males, I predict that you will eventually shift from “Quantity” over to “Quality.” Then, you won’t have to spend so much time wondering about how you show up as a sub in the world. You’ll have gathered proof along the way that you are attractive and valuable. You will know your strengths and weaknesses.

It’s your birthright to go slightly nuts for a while, gathering sexual, kink and relationship experience.

The problem with emulating heterosexual mating rituals is, they are no guarantee of success, even for straight folks. I have been to $50,000 weddings that were done and over with, after two years or less. Men are wired to spread it around. Two men? Twice as likely.

What if you get “tempted” to “BETRAY” somebody else (warning: that was a typical negative and loaded term), because you never found out how well you would have done if you had gone a different path? I am saying these things because I want folks like you to hit the ground running, and not hit any trees.



That’s a lot of pressure. That’s why I incessantly recommend this book. It’s a big splash of reality, and a glorious hope for long-term, realistic male-male relationships.




My advice to you is to start actively seeking playmates, and soon. Find out WHO you are, on multiple levels, before you start locking yourself into a box marked “Exclusive Matrimony.” Right now, all that you have is theories, and they are tying you up in knots. You are young, and you have many adventures ahead of you. Go play!




If you don’t do it now, then you’re going to hit the wall called “Mid-Life Crisis” at around age forty and do it THEN. Every man goes through this natural passage. Some early, some late. I will write about the topic at length, sometime soon.




I haven’t been single since I was fourteen. Women in the early days, and then exclusively men. If I hadn’t learned from the early, less-than-optimal relationships, I wouldn’t have been ready when the Real Thing showed up 28 years ago.

There is Nothing Wrong With You

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Note from Papa Tony:  I did not write any of the following, and was unable to find out who did.
Anonymous: hi daddy. i'm a boy with a few mental problems, mainly anxiety and depression. would it be best for me not to try and find any daddies or be involved in any sexual/romantic relationships until i fix myself? i get really really lonely, but at the same time I wouldn't want the other person to deal with some of the baggage i carry. 
Why would that be for the best? Is there something broken or wrong with you? Those things may never change, may never go away fully, so what you’re saying to me is that you shouldn’t try to find a Daddy who will understand those things, care about you, and be the support you need to learn to cope with those parts of yourself? If there was anything wrong that was made apparent by your question it’s that you think there’s something wrong with you.

There is an image associated with difficulties like those and it comes from one of the greater evils of our age: The diagnosis becomes the condition. The second someone says one of those buzz words: ADD ADHD BPD, Any of them, all of a sudden people will ‘re-frame’ their understanding of you based on those letters as if some how your oddity (and their confusion about you) makes sense because it’s all the fault of those letters.

Do you know what the prevalence of anxiety and depression is among LGBT people? Each on their own exist in varying degrees in more than half our numbers. Together? Nearly every one you meet will have, or be, enduring those things. Conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder is so common and consistent that people just feel uneasy in social groups and so become introverted. In fact you could say that GAD is an acronym diagnosis for just not bloody liking the idiots that surround you most of the time. If that’s the case, that’s a new set of letters to add to my bandolier.

I’m going to throw a few things out for you to consider, things that have been thrown at me personally:

I am Anti-social because I do not care for ‘norms’ or large groups of people. Truth be told, my lifestyle is completely counter to even gay social norms because it’s a ‘kink’ life and that I refuse to live in a vanilla box because someone tells me I should makes me anti social.

I have PTSD from being repeatedly beaten, harassed and threatened physically, mentally and emotionally by people who gave themselves the authority to judge and punish another human being. In reality, nearly everyone has that same condition for those reasons. If you’ve ever endured trauma and have survived it, you have post-traumatic symptoms whenever you feel threatened again. It never goes away.

I have Anxiety. I know they mean the constant feeling of being in danger, of needing to run, and almost anyone who has ever been nervous has suffered anxiety. When you get excited, you are anxious. When you are afraid and anticipating something, you are anxious.

I have Depression. The common person thinks depression is feeling blue. They are wrong. Depression is feeling gray. It has no trigger or warning, it just is. It’s like someone turned down the contrast on life until things become black and white, senses become dulled, pleasure vanishes and the world becomes a bleak hell while you sit feeling isolated in a flesh colored straight jacket. There is nothing blue about depression. You aren’t sad, that’s a whole other emotion packed into it.

I can keep going through the entire DSM if need be. Hell, according to the big book of boxes, I’m schizotypal because I actually think that I matter to other people. “ characterized by severe social anxiety, paranoia, and often unconventional beliefs. “ How awesome is that? Who the hell ISN’T Schizotypal that grew up gay and in a place where homophobia exists. Pretty sure everyone has traits that qualify under these umbrellas.

I want to be clear, I am not angry at you. I am frustrated with this particular demon because it haunts SO many people.



My point is this: what makes them ISSUES is not the condition, it’s what you (and to a degree others) think they mean. So what if there are days when you need more affection and others when you need more space? So what if you happen to need that feeling of being safe that a Daddy can provide? Do you think perfection is something you can actually ‘be’ or is it the journey from where you are to where you wind up, the quest itself to become more, to be stronger but most importantly: to be happy.


The ONLY way it poses a risk is if you use the relationship as a crutch or therapy. A Daddy can’t realistically ‘fix’ you, only you can do that. What they can do is provide you safe space to process, understanding of your difficulty, caring and compassion while you do the hard work and appreciation for all the effort YOU put in to overcome what inhibits you now.

Yes feeling good can become a drug to ward off depression, but it can never fix it and so it will come crashing back down harder than before. What you need from a Daddy when you’re having a hard time isn’t sex, it’s companionship and support. He may give you a hand so you can lift yourself up, arms to fall into when you need to cry, and a smile to try to cheer you up a little. That’s not because he thinks you are sad, but because sometimes it is the VERY thing you need to see so that you can try to reach for happy even when you don’t think you can make it.

There is one last thing I want to add here. Don’t judge Daddy before you give him the chance to show you that your ‘baggage’ doesn’t stop him from caring about you. Nothing is easy, especially not finding love, so you can’t take that as a judgment against you.

Do I think you should be single until you’re ‘fixed’. No. I don’t think you should deny the opportunity to be happy.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. The only thing that makes it so is you. As I once wrote to a boy: “The problem, you see, isn’t that you’re in a wheelchair. The problem is the wheelchair in your MIND. It’s that you see yourself that way, as lesser, because of the difference you think that makes you so. You need to learn to put the wheelchair in your mind away”.

You, my boy, need to put away the words others give you to describe who and what you are. Don’t think of yourself as anything other than who you are. If you feel you have work you need to do on yourself, more power to you, but don’t let that kind of thinking prevent you from being happy or even finding love. Struggling, as you do, is hard enough without feeling diminished because of the fact that you DO struggle. I often say that a boy who tries, who works toward his goals, is a boy I can respect and consider that a good sign of being ‘the right stuff’ to be a good boy.

Forgive my rant but, you see, I have had too many experiences with boys who feel broken because they struggle through difficult times. It saddens me to see a boy throw himself into the trash because he feels that’s where he belongs. You don’t. You belong somewhere that makes you happy and proud to be there. You aren’t broken.

Someday, perhaps, when I am feeling VERY talkative I will tell you all of my philosophy of being human, but for now I want this boy in particular to know something. Life will crack you, split you apart and leave you in pieces, but what makes YOU beautiful is that you survive. Your courage, your effort and your determination become a new bond between pieces, a filling of gold, that changes you and makes you even more beautiful than before. Your history, who you are right now, is an extraordinary thing. You simply need to put aside your thoughts about your value and allow someone else to show you that you are wrong.

I want you to understand that you are beautiful, just as you are, because you have endured and survived things most cannot comprehend. You are your own creation and that makes you a singular wonder in the world. you don’t have to be proud of your pain, but you should be proud of the phenomenal accomplishment of still being here. Take hope in that fact too because every day you are, every breath you continue to struggle to take, brings you one step closer to where you want to be. 

A Boy Writes, and Daddies Respond

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dirtydaddythings:
“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”
-insert <<<loud slamming of brakes>>> noise-

I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.

If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.

This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.

I am going to say this once and for all:

If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.

If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.

If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.
Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.

Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):
  • -Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
  • -Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
  • -Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
  • -Tries to control you and treat you like a child.
  • -Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
  • -You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
  • -Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.
  • -Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
  • -Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.
  • -Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.
  • -Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
  • -Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.
  • -Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
  • -Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”
  • -Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.
  • -Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
  • -Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
  • -Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.
  • -Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
  • -Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.
  • -Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.
  • -Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.
  • -Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
  • -Doesn’t care about your feelings.
  • -Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.
  • -Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
  • -Shares personal and private information about you with other people.
  • -Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.
  • -Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Do you…
  • -Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
  • -Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
  • -Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
  • -Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
  • -Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
  • -Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Read this and learn.

Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something. 

It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy. 

Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.

A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off. 

Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.

THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.




Papa Tony:

@dirtydaddythings has it 100% right.

I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades. Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor. I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.


When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.

I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life. He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do! Why would you ask?” I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy. I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.

I tell him that his years of experience at:

• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,

• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and

• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom

are actually his superpowers. Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life. He is already a rich resource. His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal .of perfection.

 

It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

boys Bill of Rights

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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boysterous-blog: 1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom.

2. Every boy has the right to choose the man whom he serves and to discontinue that service and take his leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

3. Every boy has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in his submission.

4. Every boy has the right to protected sex if he so wishes.

5. Every boy has the right to privacy if he so wishes. No boy can be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without his expressed desire to be so.

6. Every boy has the right to defend himself from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

7. Every boy has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

8. Every boy has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and DOMS without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.

9. Every boy has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

10. Every boy has the right to protect his own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

I know that I keep harping on the topic of ethics in kink, but wisdom like this is always relevant, needed and worth passing along!

Slave Safety

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masterworxx: As a psychotherapist working in the gay community, I thought this was so well said and so germane, I’d like to share it.  This well organized thought came from another web site.  Dr. Ed ( dred)

SLAVE SAFETY

Advice from one slave to its brothers

1. Until you agree to submit, you are in control of what you do. Every Man you come across who says He is a Master deserves appropriate respect and deference. But simply because He says He is a Master does not mean you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift. You choose Who to give it to. And until you choose to give it to a Man, you remain in control and should exercise that control — but always with respect and deference.

2. Never meet a Master for a session of service or s/m play before first meeting to talk. Remember what they say about bars? That the closer to closing time it gets, the better everyone looks? Keep this in mind also when you’re online. Everyone can look good online. Everyone can say the right things, type the proper words. Enjoy cyber — but know it is only cyber until you meet.

If you have spent extensive time with Him online or on the phone and feel okay with Him, you might consider that to be the meeting. But it still remains best to meet first in person — preferably in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Show Him respect and deference, but until you choose to submit, you remain in control of yourself even if you are at His place. Until you choose to give Him this control, His requests for you to undress, sit on the floor, or whatever, no matter the tone in His voice, are merely requests, not orders, until you accept them as such.

3. It is best not to plan or expect a session at this first meeting. Let it be just a meeting to find out if the two of you click and want to continue. This is a good test of the sincerity of the Master. Almost all will tell you They want an ongoing thing. If this is true, and if They really want you, then there is no hurry. You can meet first … and plan to have the session the next day, if you want.

4. Be totally and completely honest with potential Masters about what you seek, what your experience level is, what you fear, what you crave, and what your limits are. Your ego and your desire to not disappoint a potential Master may make you want to exaggerate. But it does no one any good if you tell a Master you can take a bullwhip when you have never even been flogged hard.

A good Master is not as concerned with how intensely you can play as with whether you genuinely want to play. Good Masters are looking for reactions and potential for growth. If They get a good reaction out of a slow, light flogging, They are as satisfied as when They get a good reaction out of a full-force bullwhipping. Well, maybe not as satisfied, but satisfied enough!

And never say you can take anything. You may find your forehead branded before the night is out.

5. Be totally honest with yourself about what you seek. There is an undercurrent in the leather community that a hierarchy exists among submissives. According to this “common wisdom,” it is better to be 24/7 than part time, it is better to be a slave than a boy, and so on. Don’t fall into this trap.

What is best for you is whatever meets your specific desires and needs. To be a man who submits only in sessions because this is all he needs is as valid and as good as being a man who submits to the complete control of a Master on a 24/7 basis because that is what he needs. Don’t let anyone, fellow submissive or Master, try to make you into something you do not need or want to be.

6. Follow your gut feeling about the Master. Even if your head cannot come up with specific reasons not to trust the Man, if your gut is sending up any sort of red flags, listen to it. If you find you are talking yourself into submission to a specific Master, then He is not the One for you. At the same time, learn to recognize the difference between fear of giving up control, which is good and exciting, and uncertainty about a particular Man’s trustworthiness. Most of the Men you meet will be trustworthy and not a problem. But a few will not be.

7. When you meet with the Master, do as much interviewing as He does — but do it respectfully, of course. What are you trying to find out about Him? Several things. Does He respect you as a man? Does He respect you as a slave? Will He respect your limits? Does He understand your level of experience, and will He work with it? Does He have experience or skills in the type of activity He wants to do, or is He just off on some fantasy trip? Do you like this Man as a person?

And, not unimportant, do you find this Man attractive either physically, personally, or because He has something to teach You? (Not every Master has to be a physical fantasy trip. Some may not be but are still well worth submitting to because you will learn a lot and They can give you exactly what you need.)

8. One major thing to look for is whether the Master is concerned about your needs and desires, about what you want to get out of this. If there is little discussion about your needs — if all the talk is about His needs — He is probably not the Man you want for a long-term situation, though He may be great for a quick session focused totally and completely on His desires. If you pick a Man like this to submit to, realize that you will probably need to take care of your own emotional and physical satisfaction. He is not going to give it to you.

9. Never go to a first meeting or session (or even a second or third) thinking that this Master may be good for a long-term relationship or for total control outside of when You are together. You are very likely to find yourself hurt and disappointed if you do. Full or 24/7 control develops over a long period of time — it is not created out of thin air.

10. When considering a Master for long-term or total control outside of sessions, look at the total Man. You are going to spend a lot of time with this Man outside of sessions. Do you like Him that much? Can you deal with all His idiosyncrasies, bad habits, insecurities, and personal baggage on a continuing basis? And if you think He doesn’t have any of that stuff, then you have just not seen it. And if you have not seen it, then you do not know Him well enough for such a commitment.

11. Limits. Have two sets: temporary ones, which you decide when to lift, and permanent ones, which always remain in place. You need to decide what belongs in each set. To help you understand the difference, here are the limits i used to use — and still do if my Master wants me to hunt for outside experiences:

Permanent — Safe sex. No scat. No blood. No drugs. Nothing illegal. No permanent damage physically, professionally, personally, or emotionally.

Temporary — Meet first. No total bondage; either legs or arms must be free at all times. (Yes, I want to be able to kick Him in the balls if I need to — or fight back some other way.) No blindfolds. No gags. Safeword. (We’ll talk about safewords below.)

You are the one who drops these temporary limits — one at a time or all together — as you get comfortable and feel you can trust the Man. You may even decide to drop them in the first session. But use your head, and listen to your gut, in deciding when to drop them, not your cock. If you are still not comfortable enough by the third session with a Master to drop any of your temporary limits, you probably don’t trust Him enough and shouldn’t see Him again.

(Having said all this, i must add that all limits, even permanent ones, go away if you are owned — and owned for a long time! Once the trust is total, there is no need for any limits. But you still choose when the permanent ones go away, not your Master.)

12. Try to get references on a particular Master before you commit to any sort of a session. Leather clubs and organizations are good for this, as are friends and people you talk to online. A good reference from another bottom is better than any sort of assurance from the Master Himself.

What to do if you get a bad reference? Don’t automatically reject the Master. Find out why the reference is bad. It could easily be that the two men simply did not click, or that the Master’s interests did not correspond with the slave’s. This can happen between any two men and is not a sign that either one is untrustworthy or bad in some way. A disregard for safewords, however, or otherwise ignoring limits are good reasons to call it off.

13. When you have your first session with a Master, no matter how well you think you have gotten to know Him, you need to protect yourself in case you have made a bad judgment call. There are many ways to do this. One of the most common is to tell a friend where you are going, the Master’s name, and the address and phone number of where you will be, assuming you have these. Give your friend a time when you will call him to verify that you are okay. Tell him that if he does not hear from you by that time, he should take action to find you.

Make sure, though, that you give enough leeway in the timing so that the Master does not have cops knocking down His door because you thought the session would end at midnight and He was just getting going at that point! Also, make sure you do call the friend if you are all right, even if it is from the Master’s home. Let the Master know you have made this arrangement and when your friend is expecting to hear from you. A good Master will not be offended and will make sure you can place the call.

14. Safewords. Everyone talks about them. Almost every Master says He will respect them. But do not assume that because a Man says He will respect them that He will do so in the heat of a session. Respecting safewords is an easy promise to make — and an even easier one to break. Accepting a Master’s assurance that He will respect a safeword is like assuming the white line in the street will automatically stop every car the moment you walk into the crosswalk. Most Masters do respect safewords, but some do not. Build some trust in a Master first before accepting His assurances at face value.

Here’s a test you can use in the first couple of sessions. When you’re in a difficult position or undergoing some heavy action, make noises indicating it is getting very hard to take and that you need something changed. See what He does. An immediate response from Him is not necessary — He may want to see how far you can go. But a timely response to your distress should be forthcoming. If it is not, don’t assume He will listen to a safe word.

15. When you are talking with a Master online or meeting Him in a bar or elsewhere for the first time, know that you are both doing a seduction dance with each other. And if you both play your roles correctly, you will both get turned on.

Being seduced and turned on is a good thing, but recognize it for what it is. You are both looking for the buttons that the other reacts to, and once you find them, you are both pushing them to get the reactions you want — He in taking control and you in submitting. But seduction is not real life, just a part of it. Wait until you get to know the Man in real life before deciding He is the One you really want to submit to.

16. Play the field. You’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your Prince. One mistake many slaves — especially those who are just “coming out” — make is to jump into serving a single Master exclusively and totally before they have figured out what it is they want and need. Resist this temptation, no matter how hard your dick gets or how fast your heart beats when you first hear a Master speak the words you have only heard in your fantasies before.

Any Master worth His salt is going to be able to get you excited and eager to serve. That doesn’t necessarily mean He is the one to latch onto full time. It just means that while You were together, you clicked. Get lots of experience. Compare the styles and characters of many Masters. Learn from each of them. Learn about Masters and, more important, about yourself and what it is you really seek from your submission. Once you have learned enough, especially about your own needs, then you can consider Someone as a full-time Master.

17. Recognize that a Master without a boy is often as desperate as a boy without a Master. They, too, are human, and They like to have someone They can depend on to play with and be with anytime They want. Plus, Masters generally have good-size egos and like to be able to impress other Masters by saying, “I own a boy” — or more than one.

Because of this, you may get a lot of pressure to make a full-time commitment or to go into full-time training at an early stage of your acquaintance with a Master. Resist this. Do not do it until you are sure that He is the Man you want in this role. Indeed, one sign of a really good Master is that He may offer you a position with Him without pressuring you in any way to make a quick decision. Such a Man understands how tentative and unsure of themselves many unowned slaves are and has enough confidence in Himself not to need a trophy.

18. Do not assume that in the early stages of getting to know a Master that He will feel the same toward you as you feel toward Him. It is very hard for a male to open himself up and become vulnerable to someone else, but this is exactly what we slaves do when we submit to a Master. Doing so provides an amazing sense of relief and satisfaction, and we feel a strong bond with the Man Who has seen us become so open and vulnerable. We feel close to Him and want to be with Him.

But, at least in an early session, the Master does not do the same: He does not lay Himself bare to you just because He plays with you. While He may like you, may have enjoyed the session, and may want to see you again, don’t assume He is feeling the same strong bond with you that you feel with Him. Over time, if you and He develop an ongoing relationship, He will feel this way. But not at first.

19. Do not mistake this bond you are feeling for love. This is why so many slaves decide, after only a couple of weeks, that they have found the Master they have sought for so long. Then they are hurt and disappointed when, a few weeks later, it doesn’t work out. Don’t make this mistake.

Since it is seldom that any of us experience real love in life, we may not know what love really feels like even though we seek it so desperately. As noted above, once you have laid yourself bare in a session, given that much control and submission to another Man, you are going to feel very close to Him. But this is not love. It is simply openness and a bond beginning to form. Enjoy the bond. But remember that real love means you know the Man well — not just the Master but the whole Man — and that you accept Him for what He is, warts and all.

20. Finally, remember that this is all supposed to be fun and satisfying. If it is not, if you find that the Master is causing you to be upset, worried, guilty, whatever — if you are not having fun or being satisfied — then don’t play with Him. Find someone else. Too many boys take this all much too seriously and never really enjoy the hunt, never really enjoy the sex, never really enjoy the submission, never really enjoy being conquered by a Master, never really enjoy any of it. They work too hard and are too desperate.

Go out, enjoy, and have fun. It’s the only reason to do this.


Papa Tony:

Excellent information, essential knowledge for a long term, safe “life” in BDSM.

I remember stopping by a leather bar in Los Angeles, decades ago.  I was waiting for my buddy the bartender to arrive.  While I was drinking a beer, a very small man came up and caressed the singletail whip hanging from my belt.  He was clearly fuckstruck with me (I out-massed him by at least 120 pounds).

The VERY FIRST WORDS out of his mouth were “I’m a no-limits bottom.  I’d let you do anything that you want with me!”  I stopped what I was doing, and gave him a stern, patient lecture, instead of his desired play-date.

I said “Have you ever been whipped?”  “Umm, no.”  Have you ever met me before, or know anything about me?  If I turned out to be a bad man, would you be able to fight me off?  If I decided to tie you up and castrate you, does that sound like a good time?”  “NO!!”

“Here’s a word of advice:  take things slower.  Ask the people around you about men that you don’t know. Get some good references, have coffee together first to check out your feelings and compatibility, and DON’T say things like that to strangers, or you could end up dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Advice For Younger Submissive Gay Males

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How does one take first step to being a sub - does one seek a master first or do i need to train myself first? i am young 19 trying to get into the scene.
Papa Tony:

Thanks for reaching out, young brother.  I assume that you live near Phoenix, Arizona, based upon your Tumblr handle.  I mention this, because "Pups" and "Boys of Leather" groups can be found in major cities.  I like such groups - young men like you can safely gain useful wisdom that will be of good use to you for the rest of your life:

Arizona Pups & Handlers (A-PAH) http://www.a-pah.org
Phoenix Boys of Leather  http://phoenixboysofleather.com

I found both of those links instantly by using Google.  I searched for Arizona leather boys and Arizona leather pups.


When I was your age, there was no such thing as "Puppy Play" and things like that.  As an old man, I am the last person to be qualified to judge the Pups or Boys (never having been one), but here is my outsider observation:

Groups like these are hugely valuable for younger submissive men.  If we had a larger quantity of kindly, supportive Loving Uncles in our community (like we used to, before AIDS), we would probably not have so many "Puppy Patrol" and "Boys of Leather" groups.

Why?  Because there would be a lot more kindly, accepting and unconditional support, which younger men desperately need.  So, in the absence of external validation from older men, younger men have turned to each other for support.

Being under 21, you can't go to events located in bars.  Luckily, groups like those tend to have non-bar events as well.

You are very smart to seek more useful information.  Ignorance of the culture can be fixed, by seeking out trusted resources.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Straight Sirs with Gay subs

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Anonymous said: How do you feel about "straight" masters who have male submissives/slaves?

Papa Tony:

I think that it’s dandy, if the Master is an Ethical Sir  (listen to the Ethical Sir discussion audios: Part One And Part Two).  There simply aren’t enough Sirs to go around. That’s a dire, ongoing problem.

Every relationship is different, so there is no way to typify what ANY given couple or Leather Family is like, or how much (or how little) sex there is going on.  So, I won’t try to make up a generic scenario. Since such relationships are unlikely to involve actual penetrative sex, let’s talk about SERVICE:

In my experience, a TRAINED submissive is worth his weight in diamonds and rubies. If a boy, sub, pup or slave has been trained in service by an adept Sir, then he will be much, MUCH more attractive to high-quality Sirs when he moves on to his next Dom/sub relationship.

Ideally, ones where the Sir will throw them a nice, juicy and rigid cock, this time around.

The following pics are of my slaves being pursued and enjoyed.


I often joke with my slaves when they please me, saying “You are going to fetch MANY camels at the slave auction!”


When my slaves and I go to kinky gay men's play parties (I have attended hundreds since 1977), I immediately get mobbed by high-quality Sirs.  They politely ask if they can play with my submissives.  When they do, they are very respectful of my property, and everybody has a delightful time.


I have NO desire to unload any of the submissives in my life.  If things went another way, I am 100% sure that they would get snapped-up by one of the best Sirs in town, and fast.



From a reader:
This is my first experience of being a sub. All my life I felt sexually unfulfilled but never knew what was wrong. I was never involved in the kink community except from the outside looking in, and never felt a place there because the people I did come in contact with  always seemed to assume I was a top because I'm big and masculine looking.
Then a few years ago, in a conversation with my best friend, a straight man much younger than me, he revealed that he was a dom and offered me the chance to enter in a dom-sub relationship with him. I was very attracted to him, and excited, but hesitant because I didn't know anything about that.
And, I was fearful of damaging my friendship with him, too.
But I took a chance and it worked out beautifully
He helped me realize that I was a born sub, and that was what had always been missing. I will always love him for that.
It's odd being in a relationship with a man I love romantically and sexually but whose feelings for me I understood from the start could only be platonic and sexual. But because we'd started out as close friends, and remain so, and I keep a tight rein on my emotions, it works out.
He knows I'm mad for him and enjoys that, appropriately I suppose haha!
He is not interested in fucking me but likes to see me fuck myself with toys, and has even used them on me a couple times. But mostly he likes to be served orally, in foot worship, for water sports, as well as domestic service.
I love doing all those things for him
We have been getting together a few times a month like this for three years now.
And we talk/text daily about the things we always did as friends
I'm married to a gay man in an open relationship of 30 years standing.
And that's my story!
I've seldom shared it before.
I'm sure you heard similar stories many times but it's all so exciting and new to me.