Shutting Down a Scene

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instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“Awhile back you mentioned in passing a Dom shutting down a scene if it got too intense for the sub to be able to use her safe word responsibly. What are the symptoms, so I can watch out for it and be aware?”

This is a great question. First, respect to you for wanting to understand and keep your girl safe. Here’s the thing: we hear all this stuff about “the sub is safe, because she always has her safeword.” And that is true, as far as it goes. But what happens when, in the intense heat of a scene, the submissive has lost the power of rational volition? That sounds fairly nebulous, and probably useless, so let me break it down to some characteristic external markers that I’ve encountered over the years …

Loss of rational speech. Is her speech mumbled, incoherent, and “off-topic”? You need to shut that shit down.

Irrational demands for “more, harder.” If you’ve pushed her to (and possibly a bit beyond) her previous limits and to a place that you know is beyond her tolerance (for pain, intensity, etc) and yet she continues to moan “more …. harder …” then she has dropped too deep into sub space to be a rational player in the scene, and you need to shut that shit down.

“What is your name?” If you think she’s slipped away, ask her “What is your name?” I once had to ask a girl her name three times before I got a mumbled response. If she can’t answer immediately and coherently,  you need to shut that shit down.

Safeword. Above all else, if you ask “What is your safeword?” and she does not immediately respond crisply and coherently with her safeword, you need to shut that shit down at once.

Now, what do you do to bring her back? Hydration, a damp towel, under the covers, and a lot of cuddles and aftercare while talking to her softly and letting her know you’re there and all is well.

Hopefully these “indicators” will help you to keep your scenes Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Good Skills Make a Good Master

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If a Master is into something – let’s say catheters and sounds – but doesn’t possess the medical skills and knowledge to engage in urethral play safely – what can a sub say or do to ensure that safety is not an issue. After all, it’s the sub who faces the potential urinary tract infection if it’s not done properly.

newboi12345:

The sub needs to be honest, polite but honest. This kind of play is not for the faint hearted or the inexperienced. Presumably the Master is a sensible, competent Master who knows that His learning is more important than the slave's and that He needs to get out here and learn for Himself before He does this.

If He doesn’t have that attitude – RUN! (again) but I’m sure He would. The slave could spend sometime researching for itself and possibly find another Master with the experience and suggest to its Master that they should all hook up and learn. Or the it could find a class for them to attend. The secret here is learning and all that knowledge is out there both real and virtual.

You Aren’t Worthless And Your Safety Should Be A Priority

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neswpnw:

something i see frequently is someone who identifies as faggot / sub / beta calling themselves stupid or worthless (not the mainstream use of the word ‘faggot’ but that in the Alpha / faggot dynamic) or someone who calls themselves alpha demanding immediate submission and calling a faggot stupid or worthless.

being a faggot does not mean you are worthless or stupid.  you are far from it.

remember submission is your choice.  surrendering your desires is your choice.  choosing to give up control or give up your rights is the choice you get to make.  yes, once they are given up, strict obedience and surrender to Alpha pleasure is the expectation.  but that does not make you worthless or stupid.

your choice to submit has enormous tangible value because - among other things - without it your Alpha would not receive the pleasure you desperately want to give him.  and, without your choice, you would not have that  ‘at home’ experience that final surrender brings you.  if you are one who understands the true  Alpha / faggot dynamic, you know precisely what that means.   you understand it is much more than sexual dynamic. the sexual dynamic is just a physical expression.

it takes strength and courage to give up control.  that is the opposite of worthless. if someone insists your are actually worthless, turn and walk the opposite direction. remember, submission and surrender is a valuable choice.

recently, one of my college faggot pups asked for guidance when a local Alpha insisted he take a poz load from an unmedicated top with the goal of pozzing him. he was obviously nervous and did not want to do it but was unsure what to do because he did not want to be disrespectful. my anger when he told me made me shake because i want him safe. i told him absolutely not under any circumstances was he to do so unless that was his consented choice which even then i strongly advised against giving consent to.

hear this: a true Alpha, a wise one, will never put you in a position that compromises your safety.  instead they will lead you into loyalty through wisdom that ensures safe surrender.  they do not try to force you into blind compliance demanded just because some dude chooses to call himself “alpha”.  There is a difference between a real Alpha and one who uses the name alpha.

one final point.  if you are one who truly embraces the Alpha / faggot dynamic, be proud of it, even when those who don’t understand attack you. i get the messages attacking me too.  some people who may scream the loudest for tolerance in the mainstream culture will be the most intolerant of your consented choice in the Alpha / faggot dynamic.  embrace it anyway if it’s where you know you feel complete.  their intolerance and hatred says much more about them than it ever does about you.

remember faggots, surrender wisely to Alphas who will lead you to safe, firm, and consistent rule where your pleasure is their pleasure.

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alphacumdumpbreeder:

A very wise and thoughtful commentary that should be read and embraced by every Alpha and faggot.

As i keep repeating, a D/s relationship is a relationship first and foremost, built on mutual appreciation and caring. In fact, that is nothing less than the precondition for a genuine Alpha/fag relationship.

An “Alpha” who treats his partner as worthless is a fake, a bully, a heartless tyrant, but by definition never a true Alpha, who is a natural leader, which necessarily requires empathy. Avoid such persons, and most definitely do not enable them.

Ball Gag Warning

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Alexander Martin:

One of the first really scary experiences I had was with a ball gag. I had a boy tied up before me and put a ball gag in his mouth. We arranged a hand signal for use in checking in. I started using the cane and as a new dom my strikes with the cane were inconsistent and sometimes too hard or too soft. Most of them were inaccurate as well, landing all over the place.

About three minutes in the boy suddenly took a harder hit than I intended. The entire time prior to this the boy had been trying to keep all the drool accumulating in his mouth. He had swallowed once or twice already. When I hit him though, he was in the middle of swallowing and it caused a reflex reaction to inhale sharply. He breathed in a bit of spittle and immediately began to panic. Coughing, bucking, unable to get a big breath of air things suddenly went from fine to BAD. I was scared because I did not know what was going on, and he could not communicate. Worse yet, with all the bucking I was failing to get a grip on him as he went from merely moving to full body thrashing and kicking.

I became determined to not let anything worse happen to him. Despite getting some sharp kicks and punches, I managed to get a grip and tighten it and advance until I could undo his gag, then he coughed violently and turned red. I put pressure on him still and undid his hands and legs.

I grabbed a water bottle I keep nearby and gave it to him which he quickly gulped. By that point he was a lot calmer. I managed to get him to tell me what happened, and as soon as I did, he made some excuses while getting dressed and ran out of the apartment.

This happened because I used what I thought was a very simple toy and I did not know to tell him “When using a ball gag, drool EVERYWHERE. Do not keep spittle in your mouth.” I am still new to bdsm. I have often found others have been practicing 20, 30, 40 years. I’ve been practicing since 2011. That said, I intend this blog to be a way to pass on some of what I learned periodically.

I’ve been inspired by some fellow dominants who have been giving really excellent advice to throw my hat into the ring. My hope is to post once a week plus any and all reader questions.

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

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There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them.

This is not one of those posts.

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities.

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene.

It’s like a fire alarm.

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword.

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them.

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure.

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb.

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list.

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong.

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words.

Stay Safe,

Evie

PS) While I stick to talking about submissives having their consent violated or safeword use complicated in this post, this is only for the sake of making the text easier to follow. Dominants, tops, bottoms, slaves, Masters, switches, littles, anyone, can have their consent violated or have difficulty using safewords in scenes.

A SUPERB Way To Murder a Submissive

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Papa Tony:

This picture shows a GREAT way to murder somebody.  Electrical contacts across the chest?  Any expert kinky player can tell you right away that this is a VERY BAD IDEA.
It’s an easy way to incur a heart attack, and inexperienced Doms need to be warned away from such dangerous practices.

Study up, folks!

boys Bill of Rights

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boysterous-blog: 1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom.

2. Every boy has the right to choose the man whom he serves and to discontinue that service and take his leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

3. Every boy has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in his submission.

4. Every boy has the right to protected sex if he so wishes.

5. Every boy has the right to privacy if he so wishes. No boy can be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without his expressed desire to be so.

6. Every boy has the right to defend himself from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

7. Every boy has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

8. Every boy has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and DOMS without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.

9. Every boy has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

10. Every boy has the right to protect his own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

I know that I keep harping on the topic of ethics in kink, but wisdom like this is always relevant, needed and worth passing along!

Submissive's Safety

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rbbrbkrbn: My default role is sub but because I was subjected to non-consensual activity, rape is the legal definition, although at that time male rape was not recognised as a crime. I was badly hurt mentally and less so physically by a top I thought of as a friend and mentor. Someone I trusted fully, I found it, and still do find it very hard to trust people to top me.

As a consequence I learned to top and and was taught by people who were safety conscious, and who thought of little details most would not even think about.

Use rope rather than chain because it is easier to cut than chain and you can put a quick release “slip” in the knot so when you pull the end the knot comes undone.

If you have someone standing release the feet first and get them to march on the spot. This returns pooled blood from the legs back into the general circulation. We have all seen guardsmen or soldiers on parade fainting because of this.

I always meet first time in public. When playing even if I have played with that person before I arrange with a friend that I will call them them when I leave safely. If I don’t call by the designated time they will call my phone and if answered ask to speak to me. I have a code phrase something like “everything is great” which means get me out of here. If no reply is received then then the police are called.

As a corollary i never pick up and take someone home from a club or bar. Friends were killed by Colin Ireland.

Another matter I find worrying is the number of subs wanting to be knocked out in breath play games. And worse “tops” who will do it. Once a person becomes unconscious things can go horribly wrong terribly fast as anyone with a modicum of medical knowledge will know…

The use of ethyl chloride, often marketed as maximum impact, and used instead of, or with poppers is extremely dangerous. It was banned in hospitals as an anaesthetic because on the unacceptably high death rate. Patients were dying and could not be resuscitated even with the resources of a hospital operating theatre. One breath can kill an otherwise healthy individual.

One of the things I specialise in when I top is breath control play. I was a senior diving instructor in BSAC and I was also an HSE first aid for divers instructor. I know how to resuscitate someone. I have done it for real three times. It is bloody hard work on your own. Now imagine you have someone in layers in a sleepsack - when every second counts.

Incidentally I would never leave someone on their back alone in a sleepsack. I had a scare. I was sleeping beside the guy and when he stopped breathing I had him out - yes he got tipped out of the sleepsack which was on the bed onto the floor and I had him breathing again in under a minute. He had sleep apnoea and didn’t know. To ensure he was OK I insisted on taking him to the accident and emergency department at the local hospital.

When I top I take my duty of care to a sub very seriously and will always seek expert medical help if I believe there is a problem EVEN IF THE SUB SAYS HE IS OK.

Slave Safety

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masterworxx: As a psychotherapist working in the gay community, I thought this was so well said and so germane, I’d like to share it.  This well organized thought came from another web site.  Dr. Ed ( dred)

SLAVE SAFETY

Advice from one slave to its brothers

1. Until you agree to submit, you are in control of what you do. Every Man you come across who says He is a Master deserves appropriate respect and deference. But simply because He says He is a Master does not mean you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift. You choose Who to give it to. And until you choose to give it to a Man, you remain in control and should exercise that control — but always with respect and deference.

2. Never meet a Master for a session of service or s/m play before first meeting to talk. Remember what they say about bars? That the closer to closing time it gets, the better everyone looks? Keep this in mind also when you’re online. Everyone can look good online. Everyone can say the right things, type the proper words. Enjoy cyber — but know it is only cyber until you meet.

If you have spent extensive time with Him online or on the phone and feel okay with Him, you might consider that to be the meeting. But it still remains best to meet first in person — preferably in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Show Him respect and deference, but until you choose to submit, you remain in control of yourself even if you are at His place. Until you choose to give Him this control, His requests for you to undress, sit on the floor, or whatever, no matter the tone in His voice, are merely requests, not orders, until you accept them as such.

3. It is best not to plan or expect a session at this first meeting. Let it be just a meeting to find out if the two of you click and want to continue. This is a good test of the sincerity of the Master. Almost all will tell you They want an ongoing thing. If this is true, and if They really want you, then there is no hurry. You can meet first … and plan to have the session the next day, if you want.

4. Be totally and completely honest with potential Masters about what you seek, what your experience level is, what you fear, what you crave, and what your limits are. Your ego and your desire to not disappoint a potential Master may make you want to exaggerate. But it does no one any good if you tell a Master you can take a bullwhip when you have never even been flogged hard.

A good Master is not as concerned with how intensely you can play as with whether you genuinely want to play. Good Masters are looking for reactions and potential for growth. If They get a good reaction out of a slow, light flogging, They are as satisfied as when They get a good reaction out of a full-force bullwhipping. Well, maybe not as satisfied, but satisfied enough!

And never say you can take anything. You may find your forehead branded before the night is out.

5. Be totally honest with yourself about what you seek. There is an undercurrent in the leather community that a hierarchy exists among submissives. According to this “common wisdom,” it is better to be 24/7 than part time, it is better to be a slave than a boy, and so on. Don’t fall into this trap.

What is best for you is whatever meets your specific desires and needs. To be a man who submits only in sessions because this is all he needs is as valid and as good as being a man who submits to the complete control of a Master on a 24/7 basis because that is what he needs. Don’t let anyone, fellow submissive or Master, try to make you into something you do not need or want to be.

6. Follow your gut feeling about the Master. Even if your head cannot come up with specific reasons not to trust the Man, if your gut is sending up any sort of red flags, listen to it. If you find you are talking yourself into submission to a specific Master, then He is not the One for you. At the same time, learn to recognize the difference between fear of giving up control, which is good and exciting, and uncertainty about a particular Man’s trustworthiness. Most of the Men you meet will be trustworthy and not a problem. But a few will not be.

7. When you meet with the Master, do as much interviewing as He does — but do it respectfully, of course. What are you trying to find out about Him? Several things. Does He respect you as a man? Does He respect you as a slave? Will He respect your limits? Does He understand your level of experience, and will He work with it? Does He have experience or skills in the type of activity He wants to do, or is He just off on some fantasy trip? Do you like this Man as a person?

And, not unimportant, do you find this Man attractive either physically, personally, or because He has something to teach You? (Not every Master has to be a physical fantasy trip. Some may not be but are still well worth submitting to because you will learn a lot and They can give you exactly what you need.)

8. One major thing to look for is whether the Master is concerned about your needs and desires, about what you want to get out of this. If there is little discussion about your needs — if all the talk is about His needs — He is probably not the Man you want for a long-term situation, though He may be great for a quick session focused totally and completely on His desires. If you pick a Man like this to submit to, realize that you will probably need to take care of your own emotional and physical satisfaction. He is not going to give it to you.

9. Never go to a first meeting or session (or even a second or third) thinking that this Master may be good for a long-term relationship or for total control outside of when You are together. You are very likely to find yourself hurt and disappointed if you do. Full or 24/7 control develops over a long period of time — it is not created out of thin air.

10. When considering a Master for long-term or total control outside of sessions, look at the total Man. You are going to spend a lot of time with this Man outside of sessions. Do you like Him that much? Can you deal with all His idiosyncrasies, bad habits, insecurities, and personal baggage on a continuing basis? And if you think He doesn’t have any of that stuff, then you have just not seen it. And if you have not seen it, then you do not know Him well enough for such a commitment.

11. Limits. Have two sets: temporary ones, which you decide when to lift, and permanent ones, which always remain in place. You need to decide what belongs in each set. To help you understand the difference, here are the limits i used to use — and still do if my Master wants me to hunt for outside experiences:

Permanent — Safe sex. No scat. No blood. No drugs. Nothing illegal. No permanent damage physically, professionally, personally, or emotionally.

Temporary — Meet first. No total bondage; either legs or arms must be free at all times. (Yes, I want to be able to kick Him in the balls if I need to — or fight back some other way.) No blindfolds. No gags. Safeword. (We’ll talk about safewords below.)

You are the one who drops these temporary limits — one at a time or all together — as you get comfortable and feel you can trust the Man. You may even decide to drop them in the first session. But use your head, and listen to your gut, in deciding when to drop them, not your cock. If you are still not comfortable enough by the third session with a Master to drop any of your temporary limits, you probably don’t trust Him enough and shouldn’t see Him again.

(Having said all this, i must add that all limits, even permanent ones, go away if you are owned — and owned for a long time! Once the trust is total, there is no need for any limits. But you still choose when the permanent ones go away, not your Master.)

12. Try to get references on a particular Master before you commit to any sort of a session. Leather clubs and organizations are good for this, as are friends and people you talk to online. A good reference from another bottom is better than any sort of assurance from the Master Himself.

What to do if you get a bad reference? Don’t automatically reject the Master. Find out why the reference is bad. It could easily be that the two men simply did not click, or that the Master’s interests did not correspond with the slave’s. This can happen between any two men and is not a sign that either one is untrustworthy or bad in some way. A disregard for safewords, however, or otherwise ignoring limits are good reasons to call it off.

13. When you have your first session with a Master, no matter how well you think you have gotten to know Him, you need to protect yourself in case you have made a bad judgment call. There are many ways to do this. One of the most common is to tell a friend where you are going, the Master’s name, and the address and phone number of where you will be, assuming you have these. Give your friend a time when you will call him to verify that you are okay. Tell him that if he does not hear from you by that time, he should take action to find you.

Make sure, though, that you give enough leeway in the timing so that the Master does not have cops knocking down His door because you thought the session would end at midnight and He was just getting going at that point! Also, make sure you do call the friend if you are all right, even if it is from the Master’s home. Let the Master know you have made this arrangement and when your friend is expecting to hear from you. A good Master will not be offended and will make sure you can place the call.

14. Safewords. Everyone talks about them. Almost every Master says He will respect them. But do not assume that because a Man says He will respect them that He will do so in the heat of a session. Respecting safewords is an easy promise to make — and an even easier one to break. Accepting a Master’s assurance that He will respect a safeword is like assuming the white line in the street will automatically stop every car the moment you walk into the crosswalk. Most Masters do respect safewords, but some do not. Build some trust in a Master first before accepting His assurances at face value.

Here’s a test you can use in the first couple of sessions. When you’re in a difficult position or undergoing some heavy action, make noises indicating it is getting very hard to take and that you need something changed. See what He does. An immediate response from Him is not necessary — He may want to see how far you can go. But a timely response to your distress should be forthcoming. If it is not, don’t assume He will listen to a safe word.

15. When you are talking with a Master online or meeting Him in a bar or elsewhere for the first time, know that you are both doing a seduction dance with each other. And if you both play your roles correctly, you will both get turned on.

Being seduced and turned on is a good thing, but recognize it for what it is. You are both looking for the buttons that the other reacts to, and once you find them, you are both pushing them to get the reactions you want — He in taking control and you in submitting. But seduction is not real life, just a part of it. Wait until you get to know the Man in real life before deciding He is the One you really want to submit to.

16. Play the field. You’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your Prince. One mistake many slaves — especially those who are just “coming out” — make is to jump into serving a single Master exclusively and totally before they have figured out what it is they want and need. Resist this temptation, no matter how hard your dick gets or how fast your heart beats when you first hear a Master speak the words you have only heard in your fantasies before.

Any Master worth His salt is going to be able to get you excited and eager to serve. That doesn’t necessarily mean He is the one to latch onto full time. It just means that while You were together, you clicked. Get lots of experience. Compare the styles and characters of many Masters. Learn from each of them. Learn about Masters and, more important, about yourself and what it is you really seek from your submission. Once you have learned enough, especially about your own needs, then you can consider Someone as a full-time Master.

17. Recognize that a Master without a boy is often as desperate as a boy without a Master. They, too, are human, and They like to have someone They can depend on to play with and be with anytime They want. Plus, Masters generally have good-size egos and like to be able to impress other Masters by saying, “I own a boy” — or more than one.

Because of this, you may get a lot of pressure to make a full-time commitment or to go into full-time training at an early stage of your acquaintance with a Master. Resist this. Do not do it until you are sure that He is the Man you want in this role. Indeed, one sign of a really good Master is that He may offer you a position with Him without pressuring you in any way to make a quick decision. Such a Man understands how tentative and unsure of themselves many unowned slaves are and has enough confidence in Himself not to need a trophy.

18. Do not assume that in the early stages of getting to know a Master that He will feel the same toward you as you feel toward Him. It is very hard for a male to open himself up and become vulnerable to someone else, but this is exactly what we slaves do when we submit to a Master. Doing so provides an amazing sense of relief and satisfaction, and we feel a strong bond with the Man Who has seen us become so open and vulnerable. We feel close to Him and want to be with Him.

But, at least in an early session, the Master does not do the same: He does not lay Himself bare to you just because He plays with you. While He may like you, may have enjoyed the session, and may want to see you again, don’t assume He is feeling the same strong bond with you that you feel with Him. Over time, if you and He develop an ongoing relationship, He will feel this way. But not at first.

19. Do not mistake this bond you are feeling for love. This is why so many slaves decide, after only a couple of weeks, that they have found the Master they have sought for so long. Then they are hurt and disappointed when, a few weeks later, it doesn’t work out. Don’t make this mistake.

Since it is seldom that any of us experience real love in life, we may not know what love really feels like even though we seek it so desperately. As noted above, once you have laid yourself bare in a session, given that much control and submission to another Man, you are going to feel very close to Him. But this is not love. It is simply openness and a bond beginning to form. Enjoy the bond. But remember that real love means you know the Man well — not just the Master but the whole Man — and that you accept Him for what He is, warts and all.

20. Finally, remember that this is all supposed to be fun and satisfying. If it is not, if you find that the Master is causing you to be upset, worried, guilty, whatever — if you are not having fun or being satisfied — then don’t play with Him. Find someone else. Too many boys take this all much too seriously and never really enjoy the hunt, never really enjoy the sex, never really enjoy the submission, never really enjoy being conquered by a Master, never really enjoy any of it. They work too hard and are too desperate.

Go out, enjoy, and have fun. It’s the only reason to do this.

Papa Tony:

Excellent information, essential knowledge for a long term, safe “life” in BDSM.

I remember stopping by a leather bar in Los Angeles, decades ago.  I was waiting for my buddy the bartender to arrive.  While I was drinking a beer, a very small man came up and caressed the singletail whip hanging from my belt.  He was clearly fuckstruck with me (I out-massed him by at least 120 pounds).

The VERY FIRST WORDS out of his mouth were “I’m a no-limits bottom.  I’d let you do anything that you want with me!”  I stopped what I was doing, and gave him a stern, patient lecture, instead of his desired play-date.

I said “Have you ever been whipped?”  “Umm, no.”  Have you ever met me before, or know anything about me?  If I turned out to be a bad man, would you be able to fight me off?  If I decided to tie you up and castrate you, does that sound like a good time?”  “NO!!”

“Here’s a word of advice:  take things slower.  Ask the people around you about men that you don’t know. Get some good references, have coffee together first to check out your feelings and compatibility, and DON’T say things like that to strangers, or you could end up dead in a ditch somewhere.”