Showing posts with label #Safety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #Safety. Show all posts

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Guide to Consent

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submissivefeminist: Consent is one of the biggest themes of BDSM—if you don’t know that, you really need to read up before you pick up a paddle. BDSM is built on a system that is referred to as “SSC". “SSC" stands for “safe, sane, and consensual.“

Let’s break that down further:


Safe: Safety means understanding the risks of the activities you engage in with your partners (or even solo!). It means reading up on the subjects you’re interested in or talking to people who have experience in those areas. It means making your partner(s) aware of any physical, medical, or psychological limitations you have. It also means that all parties involved are aware of the risks of what they are going to experience within a scene.

Sane: “Sanity,” in this context, is going to be defined by the official distinction between things like masochism/sadism and Sexual Masochism/Sadism Disorder. That difference is made by establishing a healthy mindset on one’s behaviour in regards to BDSM. To meet the standard of being “psychologically healthy" when it comes to S&M, the subject must not experience distress over their urges that affects their daily life and all partners of the subject must be consenting to their activity.

Consensual: This covers all other aspects of consent, including an excitably expressed “yes!“ in regards to sexual activity, regardless of one’s personal relationship with their partner. Remember that an absence of a “no” does not equal a “yes" and intimidation for a “yes" equates to assault. Also remember that all drugs and alcohol revoke one’s ability to consent to sexual activity. Always play sober to avoid problems!

So, now that the basics of consent are established, here are some helpful tips when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship:

Always keep open communication with your partner when it comes to safety concerns, regardless of whether or not you feel it’s relevant. 

Before anyplay takes place, you should require that limitations and a safeword is established. If you don’t want a set “safeword,“ remember that “no” and “stop" are always safewords unless specifically stated otherwise.

Discuss consent in the context of your relationship. Let your partner know that you are continuously respecting their rights by asking for consent before you engage in sexual activity.

That last one tends to trip people up. Even though consent should be your number-one concern, some people are nervous about turning off their partner by talking about it.

First point, if your partner is turned off or annoyed by the idea of you respecting their consent or establishing your own—RUN. This is a huge red flag that cannot be ignored. No sane person should ever get upset that someone wants to discuss consent in a sexual relationship.

If you really don’t know how to bring it up, try these simple phrases that can be used, even in the context of a D/s:
  • “Do you like that, little one?”
  • “Show me how you like it, Sir.”
  • “Would you like me to…”
  • “What would you like to do to me, dear?”
  • “Tell me what’s on your dirty mind, girl.”
  • “Master, how would you feel about…”
Consent is not only mandatory, but it can also be used in a way that makes play more fun, like instructing your shy submissive to tell you everything they want done to them or asking your Dominant if they would like to engage in certain activities. Consent can be sexy, but it’s always necessary, regardless. Keep that in mind.

CONSENT and BDSM: The State of the (U.S.) Law

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dominantlife: BDSM activity, even where clearly consensual, can be and frequently is prosecuted under state criminal laws dealing with assault, aggravated assault, sexual assault or sexual abuse. Such criminal prosecution can arise in various circumstances, including:

  • The BDSM “scene” turns out to be more intense or painful or harmful than the submissive participant anticipated, and she or he goes to the police.
  • Injury is caused that is sufficiently serious or sufficiently visible that it is brought to the attention of the police by an observer, by hospital personnel or by a friend or relative of the submissive participant.
  • The police raid a BDSM event and observe conduct that they interpret as unlawful.
  • A BDSM relationship ends, leaving the submissive partner with bad feelings, and he or she complains to the police about assault or abuse.
  • Someone with a grudge against a participant in the BDSM scene or relationship makes a complaint to the police.
  • Or pictures, videos, emails, film or sound recordings of BDSM conduct somehow come into the hands of the police.
The Critical Issue: Consent

The nature of the criminal offense here is that one person causes physical harm—injury and/or intense pain—to another person. It is important to understand that the law sees this as causing harm, not engaging in mutually beneficial conduct. This means that the law treats BDSM as violence, not as sex. That explains why the issue of consent is different in BDSM cases than in rape cases. In a rape case, the sex act is not viewed as criminal unless it can be shown that one party did not consent. In a BDSM case, however, the causing of physical harm is, in and of itself, criminal. The question is whether and to what extent the law will allow such criminal conduct to be excused by the fact that the injured participant consented to have harm done to her or him.

As long as courts and lawmakers put BDSM practice in the same category as criminal assault—which is a view that the “Consent Counts” campaign will try to change—it is not surprising that they will be reluctant to allow consent as a defense to anything more than minor harm or injury. And sure enough, that is the pattern shown by the court cases, even where a court is interpreting a statute that seems on its face to allow consent to be a defense in any case where there is “serious” injury. Moreover, the courts’ reluctance to allow consent as a defense is undoubtedly influenced by the general public’s misunderstanding of and adverse reaction to BDSM as a “perverse” or even “immoral” practice.

The State Statutes—Consent as a Defense

The definitions of assault, abuse and other such crimes involving infliction of physical harm, as well as the provisions (if any) dealing with consent as a defense to such criminal charges, are matters of individual states’ laws. There is no federal law in this area. The laws vary from state to state, and many state laws on assault do not mention consent as a defense.

There are, however, a number of state assault statutes that do provide for consent as a defense. Such statutes invariably place limits on the consent defense, both in terms of the degree of harm and in terms of the way in which consent is given and the types of people who cannot legally give their consent. Many such laws closely follow the language of the Model Penal Code’s (MPC) section on consent:

§ 2.11. Consent.

(1) In General. The consent of the victim to conduct charged to constitute an offense or to the result thereof is a defense if such consent negatives an element of the offense or precludes the infliction of the harm or evil sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

(2) Consent to Bodily Injury. When conduct is charged to constitute an offense because it causes or threatens bodily injury, consent to such conduct or to the infliction of such injury is a defense if:

(a) the bodily injury consented to or threatened by the conduct consented to is not serious; or

(b) the conduct and the injury are reasonably foreseeable hazards of joint participation in a lawful athletic contest or competitive sport or other concerted activity not forbidden by law; or

© the consent establishes a justification for the conduct under Article 3 of the Code.

(3) Ineffective Consent. Unless otherwise provided by the Code or by the law defining the offense, assent does not constitute consent if:

(a) it is given by a person who is legally incompetent to authorize the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

(b) it is given by a person who by reason of youth, mental disease or defect or intoxication is manifestly unable or known by the actor to be unable to make a reasonable judgment as to the nature or harmfulness of the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

© it is given by a person whose improvident consent is sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense; or

(d) it is induced by force, duress or deception of a kind sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

Model Penal Code § 2.11

For our purposes the key provision in section 2.11(2)(a), which allows consent as a defense to the infliction of bodily injury where the “injury…consented to is not serious”. Thus the question that courts must decide in any given case is what is meant by “serious” injury. And on this point, the MPC offers in Section 210.0 (3) a definition that, if courts would only apply it literally, is quite helpful in the BDSM context:

Section 210.0 Definitions…

3) ”serious bodily injury” means bodily injury which creates a substantial risk of death or which causes serous, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any bodily member or organ.

Read literally, this would allow consent as a defense to most forms of BDSM practices. Breath control and certain other play might be seen by a court as creating “a substantial risk of death”. And scarification and some other forms of “extreme” or “heavy” scenes might be found to cause “serious, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of {a} bodily member or organ.” But a literal application of the MPC standard would permit consent as a defense in most assault or abuse prosecutions based on BDSM practices.

The problem is that the courts—not just some courts; all courts—consistently classify as “serious” almost any injury, no matter how slight, and even in some cases interpret the causing of significant pain, even with no physical injury, as “serious injury” to which consent cannot be given.

The Cases—Courts Refuse To Accept Consent as a Defense

To date, there is not a single appellate court decision anywhere in this country that has accepted consent as a defense in an assault or abuse prosecution arising from BDSM conduct. The following overview, from Consent to Harm by Vera Bergelson, 28 PaceLaw Review 683, at p.691, is a good summary of the case law:

Since any harmful act that does not fit into the “athletic” or “medical” exception is, by definition, criminal, unless the inflicted injury is not serious, assessment of the seriousness of the victim’s injury determines the outcome of many cases involving consensual harm. A typical penal statute classifies bodily injury as serious if it “creates a substantial risk of death or causes serious, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any bodily member or organ.” Pursuant to this definition, any short-term, non-life-threatening injury should not be deemed “serious.” Yet, as the MPC acknowledges, the assessment of the seriousness of harm is often affected by judges’ “moral judgments about the iniquity of the conduct.” Courts tend to inflate the risk and harmfulness of an activity they want to denounce. For example, any injury caused during a sadomasochistic encounter has been consistently classified as serious.

28 Pace Law Review 683, 691
An early, and typically bad, example of a pure “consent is no defense” ruling is People v Samuels, a 1967 California decision. In that case, Martin Samuels was convicted of assault based on his conduct in a film of an apparently consensual BDSM scene. The court not only rejected the consent defense, but also appeared to hold the view that any such consent would be “some form of mental aberration”:

Even if it be assumed that the victim in the ‘vertical’ film did in fact suffer from some form of mental aberration which compelled him to submit to a beating which was so severe as to constitute an aggravated assault, defendant’s conduct in inflicting that beating was no less violative of a penal statute obviously designed to prohibit one human being from severely or mortally injuring another.

People v. Samuels 250 Cal.App.2d 501, 514, 58 Cal.Rptr. 439, 447 (Cal.App. 1967)
The Samuels decision was cited as recently as 2006, in People v Febrissy. In that case, the defendant’s lawyer sought to invoke the doctrine enunciated by the Supreme Court in Lawrence v. Texas, which held (in a sodomy prosecution) that, absent a compelling societal interest (and moral disapproval is not such an interest), the government cannot make private consensual sexual activity a crime. That argument was rejected.

An argument based on Lawrence v. Texas was also rejected in the Nebraska case of State v. Van, 268 Neb.814 (2004). Van was convicted of first-degree assault on the basis of an extended imprisonment and extremely intense BDSM/torture of a gay male submissive. The submissive initially consented to practices that were quite intense, but the evidence was in conflict as to whether he later withdrew that consent. On appeal, defendant Van argued that this was a case of “two adults who, with complete and mutual consent, engaged in sexual practices common to their homosexual, BDSM lifestyle” and as such was protected under Lawrence v. Texas.

Rejecting that argument, the court made three points. First, it noted that the Lawrence opinion contained a phrase that its doctrine only applies “absent injury to a person”. Second, the court emphasized that the evidence on the issue of consent was not clear-cut. Finally, and most fundamentally, the court held—citing the other decisions discussed in this paper—that consent is not a defense to a charge of assault:

Our statutes defining first and second degree assault include no reference to consent…This court has held that “all attempts to do physical violence which amount to a statutory assault are unlawful and a breach of the peace, and a person cannot consent to an unlawful assault”.

In most BDSM assault cases, the testimony of a complaining witness (the injured person) is central to the case, and often there is conflict on the issue of consent between the defendant and the complaining witness. However, even where both participants agree that the acts in question were consensual, the courts have held that consent cannot be a defense. Thus, in Commonwealth v. Appleby, a 1980 Massachusetts case, the court said:

“Grimm’s consent to assault and battery upon him by Appleby by means of a dangerous weapon cannot absolve Appleby of the crime…”Commonwealth v. Appleby, 380 Mass.296, 311, 402N.E.2d 1051,1061 (Mass. 1980).

In Iowa v. Collier, there were wildly differing accounts given of a BDSM incident, but the judge refused to let the jury consider the question of consent. The Appellate Court upheld the conviction and ruled that consent was not a defense. Significantly, the Iowa law on assault was in most ways similar to the Model Penal Code.

Provided, that where the person doing any of the above enumerated acts, and such other person, are voluntary participants in a sport, social or other activity, not in itself criminal, and such act is a reasonably foreseeable incident of such sport or activity, and does not create an unreasonable risk of serious injury or breach of the peace, the act shall not be an assault.

I.C.A. § 708.1
The court’s moralistic tone in rejecting the consent defense is a good illustration of the type of thinking that seems to underly most judges’ handling of BDSM assault cases:

The foregoing discussion compels us to conclude that, in the present case, the legislature did not intend sadomasochistic activity to be a “sport, social or other activity” under section 708.1. We are hesitant to give a precise definition of this term and believe it is more appropriate that its meaning be interpreted on a case by case basis. However, it is obvious to this court that the legislature did not intend the term to include an activity which has been repeatedly disapproved by other jurisdictions and considered to be in conflict with the general moral principles of our society. In fact, the statutory provision in question specifically excludes activities which would “create an unreasonable risk of serious injury.” There can be little doubt that the sadomasochistic activities involved in this case expose persons to the very type of injury deemed unacceptable by the legislature. Were we to follow defendant’s broad interpretation of “social activity,” street fighting, barroom brawls and child molestation could be deemed acceptable social behavior, since such conduct is considered acceptable by some segment of society.

State v. Collier 372 N.W.2d 303, 307 (Iowa App.,1985)
People v. Jovanovic was a New York case involving an intense scene between a man and a woman who had previously engaged in extensive Internet discussion of their BDSM interests. The scene apparently went bad, and the woman went to the police. Mr. Jovanovic was tried and convicted of assault, sexual assault and kidnapping. The Court of Appeals, although it reversed the convictions on evidentiary grounds, very explicitly stated in a footnote that consent, while available as a defense to the charges of kidnapping and sexual assault, was irrelevant to the assault charge:

There is no available defense of consent on a charge of assault under Penal Law §§ 120.00[1] and 120.05[2] (contrast, Penal Law § 120.05[5] [where lack of consent is an element]). Indeed, while a meaningful distinction can be made between an ordinary violent beating and violence in which both parties voluntarily participate for their own sexual gratification, nevertheless, just as a person cannot consent to his or her own murder (see, People v. Duffy, 79 N.Y.2d 611, 584 N.Y.S.2d 739, 595 N.E.2d 814), as a matter of public policy, a person cannot avoid criminal responsibility for an assault that causes injury or carries a risk of serious harm, even if the victim asked for or consented to the act (see, e.g., State v. Brown, 154 N.J.Super. 511, 512, 381 A.2d 1231, 1232; People v. Samuels, 250 Cal.App.2d 501, 513-514, 58 Cal.Rptr. 439, 447, cert. denied, 390 U.S. 1024, 88 S.Ct. 1404, 20 L.Ed.2d 281; Commonwealth v. Appleby, 380 Mass. 296, 402 N.E.2d 1051;Iowa v. Collier, 372 N.W.2d 303).

People v. Jovanovic 263 A.D.2d 182, 198, 700 N.Y.S.2d 156, 169 (N.Y.A.D. 1 Dept.,1999)

It is important to note that the Jovanovic court cited the Samuels, Appleby and Collier decisions, confirming that the prevailing view is that there is a settled precedent, established by a series of decisions in state courts across the country, that consent is no defense to a charge of assault arising from BDSM practices.

A Few Rays of Hope

Despite the consistent refusal of state courts to recognize consent as a defense to BDSM-based assault prosecutions, there are reasons to hope that a long-term, carefully planned Consent Counts campaign can reform this area of the law.

For one thing, the U.S. Supreme Court has created a doctrine of privacy that, at least in some areas of sexual behavior, now insulates consenting couples from criminal prosecution. While the doctrine ofLawrence v. Texas (mentioned earlier in this paper) has not been applied in the BDSM context, the principle of privacy is a powerful one that works in our favor.

The Model Penal Code’s quite favorable definition of “serious injury” also has the potential for use in changing the trend of court decisions. At the very least, it gives us the starting point to argue that the consequences of BDSM should be treated no differently from other injury-causing activities.

Finally, while no decision has yet explicitly accepted the defense of consent in a BDSM-based assault prosecution, at least two courts have reversed convictions on evidentiary grounds in ways that suggest that the consent of the “victim” may have played a role in their thinking. Thus, while the Jovanovic footnote states that consent is no defense to assault charges, the court’s reversal of the conviction was based on failure to permit the use of evidence of consent, and the court reversed not only the sexual assault and kidnapping convictions (for which absence of consent is an element of the offense), but also the assault conviction.

And, a recent Rhode Island decision, State v. Gaspar, reversed a BDSM assault conviction on evidentiary grounds that related in part to the issue of consent. While the court did not discuss the issue of consent with any specificity, the decision contains the following assessment of the central issue in the case:

The evidence adduced at the trial of this criminal case included testimony concerning a multitude of unconventional sexual practices but ultimately presented only one question for the jury’s determination: did the events of the night in question constitute a mutually consensual sexual encounter between two adults or a brutal sexual assault?


State v. Gaspar 982 A.2d 140, 141 (R.I.,2009)

This is, in fact, the core issue we face in the Consent Counts campaign: Can the courts and society be brought to understand what we in the BDSM community know to be the case—namely, that what we do “constitutes a mutually consensual sexual encounter between adults” and is not “a brutal sexual assault”? If we can get that point across, then perhaps we can persuade courts and legislatures that injuries caused by BDSM should be prosecuted only when not consensual or when the injury is so severe (the Model Penal Code definition) that it constitutes an abuse of BDSM practices.

Other Legal Models for BDSM Cases

Prosecutions that grow out of BDSM incidents are generally brought under the assault statutes. This is one of the reasons, perhaps the major reason, that courts rebel against allowing the defense of consent. The essence of the crime of assault is the attack on one person by another. The concept of consenting to such an attack is, to some extent, counter-intuitive.

Some cases arising from BDSM incidents, however, have been prosecuted under the criminal charge of battery. Battery, unlike assault, does not necessarily involve an attack by one person against another. The crime of battery is injurious touching or striking of one person by another. Thus, in battery cases, there is an issue as to the context in which the injurious touching or striking occurred. As the Court of Appeals of Indiana stated in Helton v. State, 624N.E.2d499(1993) at 514, n.22:

Consent is connected with the harm or evil sought to be prevented; therefore, if the victim consents to the defendant’s touching, that touching is not rude or insolent and should not be considered unlawful unless it meets one of the exceptions to the general rule.

The exceptions to the general rule (in Indiana) that consent is a defense to battery, and specifically is a defense available in cases “involving sexual overtones”, are as follows:

(1) Where the defendant goes beyond acts consented to;

(2) Where it is against public policy to permit the conduct or resulting harm even though it is consented to, as, as where there are no sexual overtones and the battery is a severe one which involves a breach of the public peace, as well as, an invasion of the victim’s physical security;

(3) Where consent is ineffective as where it is obtained by fraud or from one lacking legal capacity to consent;

(4) Where a deadly weapon is employed;

(5) Where death results; or,

(6) Where the battery is atrocious or aggravated. [Helton 624 N.E.2d at 514, citing Jaske v. State, 539N.E.2d 14, 18 (Supreme Court Indiana 1989).]

The concept here is that touching or striking, unlike an attack, is not inherently criminal. (Similarly, the conduct underlying the offense of rape - sexual intercourse - is mutually pleasurable conduct when consensual, and becomes criminal only in the absence of consent.) Thus, when that conduct is consensual, even where some injury is caused, it is more palatable to find that such consent prevents the conduct from being a criminal offense.

Our communities certainly do not view BDSM as an attack by one person on another. Rather, we see BDSM as mutually pleasurable conduct, the details of which are negotiated in advance and generally subject to agreed safe words and other protections. If we could persuade courts to adopt that view of BDSM, we might also persuade them that such cases are not appropriately prosecuted as assault, but rather as battery. Thus consent would normally be a defense—as is true in battery cases with “sexual overtones”—subject to the exceptions listed above.

This would not necessarily eliminate the moralistically motivated tendency of courts to seek reasons not to allow consent as a defense, however. In Govan v. State, 913 N.E.2d.237 (Indiana Appeals Court 2009), the defendant (Govan) was convicted of both assault and battery, based on a BDSM incident in which he “punished” the victim (A.H.) by branding her with a hot knife and whipping her with an electrical extension cord. The appellate court rejected Govan’s argument that A.H.’s consent was a defense to his conduct. First, it ruled that consent could not be a defense to the assault charge. Second, although the court acknowledged that consent was a valid defense in a battery case having “sexual overtones”, it found that the use by Govan of a knife invalidated the defense:

Turning to the case at hand it is undisputed that it involves sexual overtones. Notwithstanding those overtones, A.H.’s consent is not a defense to the crime because Govan’s actions involved a deadly weapon,…namely a knife, and therefore A.H.’s consent is not available as a defense to battery. Govan, 913 N.E.2d at 242-243.

In summary, one approach that could increase our communities’ access to a consent defense would be to persuade the courts that BDSM incidents should be prosecuted, if at all, under battery statues rather than as assault. Even in battery cases, however, we need to find ways to deal with the moralistic prejudices that lead courts to stretch for reasons to reject consent as a defense.

The DSM Criteria—Changing Psychiatry’s View

It is important to note that, in parallel with the Consent Counts project, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is working to change the way BDSM is understood by the psychiatric profession whose views influence the attitudes of the public and the courts toward our communities. Until 1994, BDSM was classified in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the “DSM”) as a form of mental illness. With the adoption of DSM IV in 1994, this classification was modified so that today BDSM—along with cross-dressing and fetishism—is a mental illness if it is determined that you are suffering “clinically significant distress—i.e., your BDSM behaviors: 1) are obligatory, 2) result in sexual dysfunction, 3) require participation of non-consenting individuals, 4) lead to legal complications, or 5) interfere in social relationships.

The Association is currently engaged in a new revision, referred to as DSM V. NCSF is actively involved in this process, working to further reduce, if not remove entirely, the stigma attached to BDSM. Importantly, this new revision may result in a distinction between consensual and non-consensual BDSM. This, of course, would be consistent with and would give impetus to our political and social advocacy in the Consent Counts project.

Copyright, NCSF, 2010. NCSF grants permission to reproduce this document, provided it is reproduced in its entirety and distributed free of charge.

For more info on BDSM, professionals, the law, the DSM and more, please go to https://ncsfreedom.org

Etiquette in BDSM

Hundreds more articles like this can be found
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dominant-daddy:

So you’re a Dom?

Just because you call yourself a Dom, don’t expect every submissive girl/boy in BDSM to bow before you and call you Sir/Master/Daddy/Mommy or any other title you bestow on yourself. The fact is simple. Submissives are normal everyday people who happen to have one thing in common. They choose to submit to one person (after He/She earns said submission) and then it is the submissives choice to choose how to address that person.

And remember this important fact: she/he maybe a submissive but they are NOT your submissive until you earn the trust, respect and consent from said submissive.Submission is never demanded, taken, asked for or assumed. If you want to call a submissive Yours then earn their submission and show him/her you are worthy of it.

Submissives must do as they are told?

Submissives are not doormats or second class citizens. They are equals in a power exchange relationship. They have rights, the same as a Dom. They have choices, the same as a Dom. They can say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ just as a Dom can. They can ask questions. Demand answers. Surprised by this? Then you need to re-evaluate your Dominant role. All D/s relationships are based on agreements, limits, understanding, choices, rules and boundaries. 

Every aspect of the relationship is discussed and agreed by both partners. This may come as a shock to some, but it’s the SUB who has REAL power in the relationship. A submissive will bow down to his/her Dom because he/she chooses to do so but he/she can also kick a Doms ass out the door if that trust is misplaced and the Dom abuses the authority that’s been given to Him/Her. You have been warned!

It has to be my way? Rules and punishments.

So you’ve earned his/her submission. Now you decide to throw an encyclopedia sized book of rules at him/her and demand they are followed to the letter or a punishment will be given because YOUR rules were broken. No. Just, no. Rules are to be discussed and agreed by both partners. There are a few too many Doms whose rules are non-beneficial to the submissive and are more geared towards themselves. E.G. You can only wake Me with a blow job, or do not call/text me without prior notice, etc.

Rules should be in place to help a submissive. A Dom should know everything about their sub and this takes time so rules should never be set in stone and always be open for revision. However, when rules are in place, do not let them down and shirk Your responsibilities. If a rule is in place, for the best interest of a sub, then please be consistent. Submissives need consistency.

See HERE for help with rules in BDSM

Punishments should also be agreed by both partners and should be reasonable and fit the infraction. DO NOT – EVER – punish a submissive who tries their best and gives 100% but fails a task. Encouragement is needed for them to do better. Otherwise you’ll just make them feel worthless. The same rule applies to ignoring a submissive as a punishment. By ignoring a sub, a Dom is saying “you are only good enough when you are perfect”. Each relationship is always going to be different, as each Dom/sub are, so using common sense and getting to know the submissive is the key to their discipline and punishment.

See HERE for advice with punishments in BDSM.

Hi Daddy/Mommy? Hi Baby girl/boy?

Being called Daddy/Mommy or baby girl/boy is a term of endearment in a D/s relationship. It’s special to the partners and ONLY they are truly allowed to use those terms. So addressing every Daddy/Mommy Dom or baby girl/boy with these personal terms dilutes the meaning so please do not do it.

Etiquette in BDSM seems to be largely misunderstood by those who are new to the lifestyle or who are just plain ignorant to it so I hope in some way that this will help to address the balance and make this lifestyle a little more understanding.



dominant-daddy:

Hello slut, whore, bitch, cunt!

This type of name calling is, usually, only to be used during a scene in BDSM. A lot of submissives like to be called names and/or feel degraded BUT, now here’s the one amazing fact… only by their Dominant! Randomly calling a submissive any degrading name is verbal and unwanted abuse. It’s sexual harassment.

You call any girl a slut, whore, etc. and she’ll probably want to rip your balls off and feed them to you with a rusty fork. But when she hears the silky tones of his/her dominant say these words to him/her, they’ll melt. Would a person walk up to a girl in a bar or the street and call her these names to her face?No, they wouldn’t and doing the same over the internet is no different.

Send me a naked picture of yourself.

There are many submissive girls (and guys) that have a NSFW blog. Many of them post pictures (selfies) of themselves nude. It’s their blog, their body, their choice and their decision. They post them for their own reasons. They don’t post them as an advertisement like a piece of meat on offer. It’s NOT an invitation and it’s NOT consent for the douches to harass them for their personal pics or to attack them for posting whatever they want to on their own blog.

If you like their pics, reblog them. Don’t get offended and name call because she refuses and wants to keep herself safe from internet predators and maybe, just maybe she doesn’t want to take the risk of having her personal pics in the hands of a complete stranger who could do goodness knows what with them? As in the previous post, a person wouldn’t ask this of a stranger IRL and hiding behind the internet does not make it acceptable or okay.

Running a NSFW blog is not consent. It does not mean that the blogger is horny 24/7 and masturbates over Tumblr like it’s an occupation. Most are bored and on Tumblr to pass the time. They’re not here to get douches off. Please show some respect.

I’m going to….

This kind of message that submissives receive with a long list of what ‘anonymous’ would like to do to them is another area that needs to be addressed. Most subs do not want them. There are some that like them. Have a look through their blog and read the ‘about me’.

If they’re owned/have a Dom I’d suggest moving on, or better still just don’t send them unless you are certain that is what the sub is asking of their followers. A submissive may like to talk dirty (and express this on their blog) but maybe that’s only with their dominant. If in doubt, don’t do it.

I’m Master ***** You will kneel before me and call me Sir!

This is a red flag to begin with. No ‘genuine’ dominant would say such a thing. He/She would want to get to know any potential partner before agreeing to a D/s relationship. ‘Genuine’ dominants are respectful, polite, courteous and generally do not try to impress. They certainly don’t shout their worth from a rooftop saying “look at me!”They don’t try to ‘Dom’ a submissive after the first hello (if they are lucky enough to get a hello first that is!)

Any submissive, but especially new submissives that are BDSM virgins should always be cautious when talking to a new potential dominant partner. Don’t give personal information, your address or even your home town until you feel comfortable enough and never meet anyone who you have only just recently met. This is doubly important if it’s an online meeting. I have known submissives in the past who have just started talking to ‘Doms’ online and right from the off they have wanted a meet to do a scene. It’s very real and it happens.

Think about how they first talk to you. Are they more interested in your underwear and what you’re wearing or if you swallow or are willing to do anal than they are in you? Do they ask questions about you or just your sex life? Listen to what they talk about or even if they talk about themselves at all. Constant sexual talk = red flag. Not talking about themselves = red flag.

A dominant that boasts about their previous subs and what they did together is another red flag. If you are constantly being asked, “would you be willing to try X or Y…” again, that’s a red flag. Follow your instincts. If you feel something just doesn’t add up or something doesn’t feel right, your gut instinct is trying to tell you something and chances are, it’s right. Walk away. You owe them nothing. Until you consent and agree to be their submissive you are free to do whatever you please. You are free to talk to as many potential dominants as you wish.

Let’s say you are talking to a potential dominant. He/She is really nice. But do they ask about you or how was your day? When was the last time you were asked how you were? You told him/her about what was planned for today at work, have they remembered it or asked about it? Do they even remember about the terrible day you had yesterday freaking out over it? These are the kind of questions to need to be asking yourself. After a conversation with your potential dominant, have a think back to what you spoke about and recap. It should tell you a great deal as to where his/her best interest are focused.

I know this has gone slightly off the etiquette topic but I feel it was warranted and needed to be said. Predators are real in BDSM. Please, stay safe when searching for a partner.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Red Flags in BDSM

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submissivefeminist: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, especially within the BDSM community, we need to be aware of signs of unhealthy behaviour. Of course, these red flags can appear in any kind of relationship—but it’s extra important when you’re in a relationship with a power-dynamic or a heightened risk of injury. Submissives, especially, often find themselves in unhealthy dynamics with no idea how to spot the problems. Dominants, too, are able to experience this. For this reason, I’ve developed an outline of some of the most common red flags I hear from followers and some resources to help you deal with them.

The following are common things a partner might be doing if you’re in an unhealthy relationship:

Insists you do not need a safeword.

While some people prefer to play without a safeword, I will always speak against this practice. Safewords are crucial to a healthy D/s because without them, there is no way to revoke consent and that means you or your partner may not want to continue, but has no way of communicating this.

If your partner insists that you not use a safeword, you need to be firm in saying that will not be the case. I would take extreme caution with playing with someone who has suggested this, as it shows a lack of responsibility for you or your partner’s safety and mental health. Safewords should always be required of everyone in order to play safely. If you don’t want to use them, don’t use them—but always have them in place.

Claims to have no hard or soft limits.

This one is more common with submissives, but Dominants do it, as well. Claiming one has no limits shows a) a lack of experience and/or b) dishonesty. Though some people have more limits than others, everyone has limits. If your partner is insisting they have no limits, ask about something you consider extreme and see if they would agree to it. Communicate the importance of having limits so that everyone is aware of boundaries. No one should go into a scene blind of where the boundaries are.

Pressures you into playing in ways that violate your personal limits.

If you have established limits and your partner wants you to push them, there are two ways to go about this.

1) You express a desire to want to get past a certain limit and your partner discusses ways they can help you with this in a safe and controlled manner as to help you explore your sexuality.

2) Your partner hounds you to do something outside your limits and you feel really uncomfortable about this.

If your situation sounds like #2, you need to either have a strict conversation with your partner about limits or you need to leave the relationship.

A healthy dynamic does not involve true force of any kind. Remember that everything within a D/s is consensual and if your partner is pushing you to do something you don’t consent to, this is unhealthy. Technically, it is abuse or sexual assault. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, and seek help if you need it.

Plays when they are angry or upset.

This is another sign of an abusive relationship. A good partner will not play when they are angry or upset. This can lead to safety concerns, emotional problems, and abuse.

Dominants who are angry and wish to punish their submissives need to take time to think about an appropriate punishment instead of lashing out. Physical violence is never a way to solve underlying problems. The submissive should know why they are being punished, agree that it is fair, and feel forgiven after the punishment.

Submissives who play when they are upset are often covering up mental health problems. While healthy people can play after a bad day and feel much better—unhealthy folks will play to “hurt themselves,” so to speak, and will still feel badly after a scene. If this is the case, the submissive should seek counseling to work out their mental health problems instead of using D/s as a means to self-harm. Playing the sadist to an unstable masochist can end very, very badly. It is dangerous and shouldn’t ever be considered. Put your partner’s mental health above play at all times.

Insists that you address them as a specific title (Sir, Master, slut, fuck-toy) upon first meeting them.

This is a problem a lot of people face with potential partners. Fact of the matter is, you are no one’s slut or Master until you have formed a relationship of some kind with that person and you both agree to these titles. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to address them in a way you don’t like or be addressed in a disrespectful manner.

Does not provide aftercare.

Aftercare is absolutely crucial to a healthy D/s relationship, especially ones involving sadism and masochism. In fact, aftercare is often a defining difference between kink and abuse. Aftercare should be done automatically. If you are in need of aftercare and your partner doesn’t realize it—speak up! Both Dominants and submissive who need aftercare are entitled to it after a scene.

If your partner ignores your needs and does not provide aftercare, you need to leave the relationship. This is an abuse of power and shows a lack of responsibility. You should never leave a scene feeling badly. Aftercare is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. A guide to aftercare can be found here.

Does not respect your safeword.

Safewords, again, are required. If your partner ignores or refuses to respect your safeword, this is assault. The scene needs to end with your safeword, always. Anything past that is no different than continuing after a “no” for relationships without a specific safeword. This is a revoke of consent and anything further without explicit consent is assault.

Never, ever play with someone who doesn’t respect your needs to stop or pause the scene. This is dangerous and highly abusive.

Insists you stop using birth control or barriers during sex.

Some people like birth control restriction with their partner, and that’s fine for stable relationships with intent to care for any child resulting from that pregnancy. However, if you are not intending on getting pregnant and your partner insists you stop using birth control, this is a major red flag. This is abusive and highly dangerous.

Same goes for couples who cannot get pregnant and use barriers like condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. Never be forced into not using these methods. If one person in a relationship wants to use them, they will be used. No further questions.

Initiates play when you or your partner is intoxicated.

Couples can and will make their own decisions on this, and I am not here to tell you anything but the facts. Playing with an intoxicated person is assault. Even if you’re in a committed relationship. A person who is drunk or high cannot consent to sex legally in the US and you or your partner may end up with rape charges, even if the person says “yes.” Contracts and consent prior to intoxication do not hold up in court, either.

To be safe, always wait to play until the person is sober. For your safety and theirs, do not play with an intoxicated person.

Makes you feel guilty for using your safeword.

Never, ever feel guilty for needed to stop. It doesn’t matter if you need to stop because you were triggered or because your leg cramped—never let your partner tell you it’s not okay.

Any partner that makes you feel badly for safewording is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve your trust. It’s emotionally abusive to make someone feel bad for needing to stop play/sex. Don’t tolerate it—you have every right to decide if you need to stop.

Refuses to have conversations about consent/limits/desires.

Communication is so important. If your partner can’t communicate important things like limits, safewords, consent, or their desires, it’s going to be tricky. This is a red flag because it can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are difficult without proper communication—there simply isn’t a way around it. Insist on communicating these important topics or find a new partner who will.

Does not treat you as an equal or disrespects you out of scenes.

Unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon a 24/7 relationship, the scene ends with a safeword or natural progression. This means humiliation and painful physical contact stops there. Submissives who find themselves being put down by their partners out of scenes or at inappropriate times need to evaluate their relationship. Your self-worth will never depend on your partner and no one deserves to be with someone who makes them feel badly without their consent.




If any of the previous red flags apply to you or someone you love, please urge them to seek help. The following resources can be used in cases of sexual or physical violence:

National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1.800.656.HOPE

Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis Network (UK): 44 (0)141 331 4180

Sexual Assault Resources (International)

Internet Safety Tips

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temptingdominance:

Amidst all of the wonderful images that tingle you from your spine to your senses, I need to take a moment and talk about something important. I need to impart some fatherly advice – and yes, for this moment, you can call me, Daddy.

BDSM has taken great strides to become a normal, regular expression of desire, emotion, and sexuality, and while impressive changes have occurred, there are still many elements that are subdued. I recognize that the internet remains the single greatest resource for Dominants and submissives to find each other. It can offer a non-judgmental forum for the discussion of interests. However, it is important to remember the world is not a place free from cruelty and malfeasance. I am largely talking to submissives here, but my comments are equally spread around. You need to remain vigilant about protecting yourself.

There are bad people in this world. There are abusers. There are extortionists. There are creepy people who follow you with the sole intent of collecting your pictures.

I have received my share of distasteful messages, to put it lightly, and I know many boys receive terrible things too. You know that those messages don’t define you. I don’t dismiss that they can hurt, but you know that one idiot does not reflect all the wonderfulness that is you. But one can start as a simple sweet message and quickly turn into harassment.

Now I want to turn to something we all know exists but we don’t really talk about because we get so focused on the fulfillment that tumblr can offer. For many boys, tumblr offers an expression to your sexuality. It allows you to connect people who share your interests across the broad spectrum of BDSM. This is especially true when you struggle to find people who live near you. However, online exploitation is a real threat.

I often encourage using common sense and trusting your gut when it comes to BDSM sessions. I want you do the same when comes to online interactions. I hope share some common sense tips with you today. I am not doing this to get on a high horse. As a Dominant, I care very deeply about submissives. I understand you have a more tender heart and you try so hard to please – which is prime for people to take advantage of. My advice here is centered on individuals who have NSFW blogs and submissive-centered blogs.

Never share your full name. Until you have known someone for a long time. I don’t care how you feel. It doesn’t matter if there is an instant connection. Guard your identity.

Do not publicly post enough information for someone to track you down. Don’t list your city, your job, and where you can be found. Don’t make it easy for a creeper to track you down. In other words, don;’t give them enough dots to connect. It is fine to say you live in San Diego, but don’t say you are on the executive board of the lgbtq community center.

Do not provide your cell phone number. Use a messaging application. I don’t care if you are really feeling it. Things can change very fast. Sweet can turn to scary on a dime. Always start with an app, then move to texting.

Do not post photos that are going to also placed on a website that contains information about you (e.g. facebook, school website). Remember google image search. They can and will find you.

It is okay to be reserved with face photos. You do not have to post naked, full face photos to have a great blog. Of course share it when you have made a friend. But my point is that, you can be reserved and that’s okay.

One message doesn’t make submission. Often “real alpha men” message a submissive and demand pictures and offerings. To hell with that. Your submission is to be earned.

Now there is a caveat here that I know everyone is a little different. Some people are a lot more comfortable and confident about sharing information. And what’s okay. My goal in writing this is that you take steps to guard yourself. I wish everyone was wonderful, but there are some bad apples and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

Your submissiveness should go to someone who deserves it, not someone who will take advantage of it.

Now back to our regualrly scheduled sexiness.

service2smmbybj:

sometimes its scary what some people will share on-line with perfect strangers. these things may seem common sense but there are some out there who get caught up in the moment and forget some simple safety reminders. you never know what the person on the other side of the screen is like, so use caution until you have met in person and have learned to trust HIM.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Sleepsack Bondage Safety Tips

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“I’ve never been in leather like that. Or any now that I think about it. It must become incredibly hot and sweaty in there. It may be a dumb question but does he hydrate first?”
David Gregory:


Actually that’s a very serious, responsible question, not in the least bit dumb.


Much of this is already covered in one of my earlier post’s, on “Long Term and, and Sleepsack Bondage.”

If we are not careful with Sleepsack and other forms of Bondage involving, total body coverage. Dehydration and Heat Exhaustion are very real potential problems, that can become extremely dangerous.

I do everything I can to reduce the heat in my playroom. If a bottom is in a Tight, heavy leather Sleepsack, without any other layer’s, and is exerting himself. I find the ideal room temperature needs to be close to, 10/12c, or 50/53.6f. This seems low to those used to centrally heated homes. But if as a Top you’re working hard, wearing as much leather as the Bottom you’ll soon realise his predicament.


Try to imagine trying to do a prolonged, heavy gym workout, in full biker gear; One Piece Leather Suit, Helmet, Glove’s, Boot’s? The more unfit one is, the heavier you are, tied to a mattress, in multiple layers the build up of heat quickly becomes intolerable. Heat wrecks more scenes, than roasting a pig at a Bar Mitzvah.

If you don’t have a climate controlled play space, invest in a large strong electric fan. It’s the quickest way to cool someone in a Sleepsack.


If someone is seriously overheating, act immediately, but don’t panic. Roll them onto their side and clear the airway first. If tied on their back, to a bed and they vomit through overheating, or for any other reason. What happens? THEY CHOKE! Once you’re in control of the situation, calmly get then out of the scene, to cool, and rehydrate. Perversely they may need a blanket over them. Don’t tie someone down on a foam mattress, it’s the quickest way to build-up heat underneath them. Keep them hydrated. And look-out for the tell tale signs of overheating and dehydration:
  • Dizziness
  • Confusion
  • Hyperventilating
  • Fainting
  • Fatigue
  • Headache
  • Muscle cramps
  • Nausea
  • Pale skin
  • Profuse sweating
  • Sunken, dark eyes, from dehydration…
Any of these signs should be taken seriously, and acted on immediately.

Note: I often use an open contoured frame (better for the back), with a thin padded base, as in photo above. If I’ve someone tied down, it provides greater all round opportunities, for ventilation and cooling. Far better than on a bed.


Relatively speaking, this appears to be quite an innocent scene. But it is in fact - TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS:

The lumbar region of this guy's spine, L1 - L5, is totally unsupported. In this position the easiest thing to do would be to BREAK HIS BACK!

It’s quite clear the bottom has been on the receiving end of a some sort of; flogger, paddle, or a very hard hand. Any jerking, or sudden movement caused by the dumb jerk putting the guy in his care, in this position, runs the very real risk of a herniated discs, or worse.

If you really want to risk spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair. Totally irresponsible Tops, with no idea, or care for the risks they take with the safety of their bottoms are out there. With images like this being posted, levels of incompetence are increasing, along with the risk of very real and serious injury to bottom’s.

Any Top who fucks-up in this situation, or any scene, needs to wise-up, and act responsibly. It’s not the Top who is at risk of suffering for the rest of his life, as a direct result of acting out, or promoting this sort of stupidity.


seabondagesadist:

A new and exciting sub that I quickly discovered was a true bondage fiend.  He had never been bound by someone else before this day!  I love making a connection with someone who has the need and desire for bondage.  We broke the ice with a chat and then we went down to the playroom to see what kind of fun he was wanting to get up to.  

I challenged him to tell me about the gear in my collection that caught his attention.  He was very interested in the sleepsack, a hood and a gag.  Me being me, and getting out the sleepsack, I challenged him more with my own brand of sleepsack captivity.  Checking in on him throughout the process of lacing him in, strapping it tight, then strapping it down and last but not least chaining him to the bed in his leather prison. 

Roughly two hours of heavy bondage and three orgasms.  I had thought it was only two… but when I released him he told me the first one happened when I zipped the sleepsack up…  The definition of bondage FIEND to me!  So much fun!!!

Skin Care After a Beating

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Hello Alexander Martin, my master is a 95% dom. We have been in a consensual 'abusive' relationship for 5 years. I love your blog and have 2 questions: 1. I get bred by my master 4 - 6 times a day. I really love receiving his cum and would like it to be kept in me by way of a butt-plug. My master doesn't want this because he says it makes me slack-assed. Do you know any other ways to keep cum in a boy's pussy? 2. My master is v sadistic and canes me every other day. Do you have tips on skin care? 

Alexander Martin:

Thanks very much, I always love to hear that my blog is a favorite of readers!

1) Holy shit, 4-6 times a day is a LOT. I don’t know how either of you get anything done! A butt plug was a fine idea, I mean you don’t have to put one that’s a recreation of Dawson’s fist in there or anything, but something to plug the opening would work. I think if he’s dismissed that option that your next best bet is straight up kegels.

For anyone reading who hasn’t heard of these muscles. Kegels are muscles that help with a few different things, they are involve in orgasm from your cock and result in the pulsing that pushes cum out, they control your ability to keep your sphincter tight, and they control your ability to cut off urination mid stream.

Exercising them will give you control over your sphincter, help it be more elastic (return to its prior shape after being wrapped around your master’s fat cock faster). There are two modes of exercise, one is to clench down with your ass for about as long as you can and then release, count to 10 and then start again. It is important NOT to clench as hard as humanly possible. That could cause hemorrhoids to form. The other option is to contract and release your sphincter in quick succession as if your hole is hungry for cock. For anyone else reading this, tops benefit from kegel exercises as well. Since those same muscles result in more powerful orgasms because they squeeze the prostate a bit harder. I’d do those two exercise modes and mix them up like you might a gym routine.

2) Lucky you! Before I give any tips on skin care, it’s really important to note that ESPECIALLY bruised areas and broken skin should be treated with ointment and a bandage and should NOT be struck for a good 2 weeks to let them heal up nor should it receive any of the following skin care.

Body lotion should definitely be applied to any of that area. It’s also worthwhile to apply to the face and entire hands daily. When you apply I strongly recommend doing it fresh from the shower. Your skin is most ready to absorb and retain moisture at that time and that will help keep it healthy.

If you have mild burns on a location such as from rope or if the cane has a rough surface, you may want to try Aloe. If you do apply it apply the tiniest bit possible first and see how it feels. If it soothes and does not burn slowly, and carefully apply it elsewhere. Recognize that a cane or rope may cause deeper injury than it does on other areas of the skin. So if you apply to quickly and you get to a spot where it burns you’re in trouble. When you’ve had the aloe on for an hour and 15 minutes or so, then wash it off. You can apply some moisturizer if it’s feeling better or more aloe.

Although this isn’t exactly skin care, if an area is hot and swelling up a bit try applying an ice pack. It will limit the swelling and your recovery time will be a bit shorter.

So, You Want To Be a Master

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Master Chuck: For the majority of folks, BDSM (or Power Exchange) is all about fantasy and nothing more. The more intense, degrading, non-consensual the scene, the more erotic it becomes. Masters torture their slaves mercilessly and there are no injuries. Slaves are worthless faggots, void of feelings and without identities or lives outside the dungeon.

Fantasy is fun. Fantasy is erotic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasy BDSM - unless someone with real aspirations of collaring a slave gets fantasy and reality mixed up.

In the real world of power exchange, a Master earns the title and he is very much aware of the responsibilities he takes on when he assumes the dominant role. What works in fantasy does not necessarily work in reality. Beginning Doms, as well as beginning subs, need to know the difference because in the real world, people get hurt - physically, emotionally, psychologically - and “Sorry…” or “I didn’t know…” just don’t cut it.

Every Dom has an obligation to know his craft: knives cut and so can words, so know your intent before picking up any tool.

Not long ago, I invited an acquaintance to participate in a bondage session with my sub. He demonstrated good judgment, keeping an eye on circulation, pressure points, etc. As the session neared the end, my sub was secured to the bondage table, on his back and with a Fetters gag in place. I asked the Dom if he wanted a glass of water and he followed me into the kitchen.

He began to engage in a conversation that was interesting and had the potential of lasting awhile. When I interrupted him and suggested we needed to return to my sub, he said, “But you said you left him tied up for long periods of time…: I responded, “I do but never unsupervised. I’m always within hearing range.”

When we returned, I could sense my sub was becoming agitated. The gag was becoming an issue. The situation was quickly resolved but sharing the experience here illustrates how quickly a scene can go wrong with potentially devastating consequences.

Always err on the side of caution. All the best Doms do!

Thursday, January 10, 2019

How To Fist Or Play Large, Anally

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Unknown author: I get asked quite often how to “stretch” or train oneself to take larger toys and fists. I normally say the boiled down, simplified version of… “It is just a matter of relaxation, muscle control, plenty of lube, along with time and determination, and caution to do it right, at your body’s own pace.” This is the unabridged and detailed description that I have compiled from several sources over the years, so that I could have it in one place.

Putting things in your rear can be a very big turn-on. Hopefully, whatever is going up, will come out again. Here are a number of basic guidelines to help maximise the experience and minimise the risk of loss, infection or internal damage. Your bowels are relatively delicate. You should treat them with respect. It is something that you will wish to keep in good condition for years to come both for sex and evacuating your bowels.

All sorts of things can go in, but not all of them come out as easily. Think about this before you do it. For example (and it’s not recommended): Putting an open-ended bottle up your butt will create a vacuum and it can get stuck when trying to pull it out. Glass objects can be particularly dangerous if they shatter inside. balls and fruits can “pop” or squeeze past the pelvis and refuse to allow any grip to get back out.Even thinking you are smart by attaching a string for retrieval in the even the object gets stuck can be dangerous, as the string can cut or tear the sphincter muscle, anal canal, rectum, and almost anything between it and your butt hole. Vibrators can slip very easily out of your hands and further up an unsuspecting butt. 


Buzzing your way into an Accident and Emergency Department may have some novelty value but, if it’s not fished out immediately, it will go on and on and on until the batteries wear out. And you’re ‘in for bumpy ride’ if you’re using new batteries, or extended life ones! Trying to retrieve light bulbs, apples, penis rings, and golf balls, at 3am in an emergency room ceases to be sexy after about two minutes. It can also be time consuming, dangerous and embarrassing. The bottom line is that anything you let go of may be difficult to grab hold of again as it gets sucked up your butt. Remember the only area that is touch sensitive is the first couple of inches so that’s where you’ll get the most out of it. The rectum is only sensitive to stretch. If you’re new to assplay (and have never been fisted) playing with dildos is a great way of exploring your butt, knowing how it feels and where your limits are. It is always tempting to think that bigger is better and that only the Burj Khalifa up your backside will make you orgasm.

WHY CAN IT FEEL SO GOOD?

Whether it’s a finger, penis, dildo or fist, the practicalities of what happens when they go into your butt are relatively similar. For the sake of this explanation imagine using a throbbing 7 inch penis (17cm). The bottom sphincter muscle needs to relax to allow the penis up the anal canal. Some of us find playing around with the butt or the crack of the butt (using perhaps your tongue or a finger) will help open up the entrance. Lubricant for this is not just essential, but also fun. The anal canal and rectum can stretch greatly but will contract automatically when pain occurs. If you’re getting fucked, you ideally need to want it and draw it inside your butt. You can make this easier by ‘pushing down’ as if you are opening your butt to waste and it’s often very horny for both of you this way. With the penis just inside the rectum you can push it in and out just to this depth, rubbing and stimulating the anal canal which is touch sensitive.

Alternatively, you can take the penis further into the rectum to about 4-5 inches. Depending on how it’s angled, you can rub and stimulate the prostate gland, which sits on the other side of the rectum wall. There doesn’t appear to be to be any particular reason why there are so many nerve endings in the prostate but it is a pretty good design feature, which earned its name as the male “g-spot”! Combined with what’s already going on in your anal canal, stimulating the prostate gland will encourage you to orgasm. This may be exactly what you want, but you may also find that you cum too quickly. Taking the penis right up into the rectum will continue to stimulate the anal canal. With most of the 8 inches up the butt, the end will be near the the bottom of the sphincter muscle. If the penis pounds against it or hits some of the nerves around the bottom of the spinal cord this can cause considerable discomfort to the person being fucked. Again, the muscle needs to relax, teased open by the action but NEVER forced. An 8 inch penis will probably get through the top muscle but this of course depends on the build and position of the person.

DILDOS OR SEX TOYS

Dildos are toys designed for you to stick up your butt. Usually made of rubber compounds, they come in all shapes and sizes and you’d be as well to consider what you want to get out of their use before you buy one. For example, broader based dildos will tend to stretch and stimulate your anal canal. If you want to excite your prostate you’ll probably need one that’s longer and thinner. It is easier to keep hold of dildos with balls or a base. Butt plugs are smaller and stumpier but will stay in (until taken out) and will help keep your butt open. Fingers (albeit small) are in effect dildos and if you stick them up more than one butt (as with dildos or butt plugs) there is a risk of infection. If you’re buying a dildo don’t necessarily think big, you can always buy another one and prices can vary enormously, so on cost alone it’s worth shopping around.

SHARING FINGERS, PENISES, DILDOS AND FISTS

If you are sharing fingers, dildos or fists between butts or mouths (very possibly covered with traces of blood, cum, waste or piss) this can put you and/or your partner(s) at risk from HIV or other STD’s. Generally, we don’t cover our fingers when we put them up our own butt but they should be washed thoroughly if they are then going up anybody else’s. The evsame applies if you finger someone else first and then want to finger yourself. Alternatively you can use a finger-cot (a condom for your finger) with a new cot used on each partner. If you are using condoms, your penis should only go up one butt with each condom. If there’s more than one butt available to use, use a fresh condom. Similarly, if you’re using gloves a new glove should be used with each partner. The same applies to dildos and toys. Getting into the habit of always using a condom on a dildo (whether you’re by yourself or not) will also give you repeated opportunities to practice putting on and taking off condoms, as well as help keep your toys clean.

SIZE, SHAPE, FORCE AND LOSS

Sharp, hard or cold objects are much more likely to make your butt contract and cause damage. Better suited are flexible, smooth edged and warm dildos or dildo shaped objects. Glass objects tend to break or shatter under pressure, and for this reason it does not make sense to insert light bulbs, glasses or bottles. However, bruising or damage has usually more to do with the force with which dildos (or penises) are inserted or removed, particularly if your sphincter muscle(s) are closed or are taken by surprise. If the dildo bangs into a muscle it contracts or tightens up making further penetration difficult. Apart from anything else - it fucking hurts! An example of this happening is when a guy shoves his penis up his partner’s butt before the bottom sphincter has relaxed.

If you get something lost, it is sometimes possible to retrieve it before deciding whether you ought to go to an emergency room or hospital. Going back inside your butt may be more difficult as you’ll probably be feeling stressed or worried which often means that your sphincter muscles will have tightened up. You need to relax, and use lots of lubricant. ‘Teease’ those muscles open gently and take your time. Alternatively you may be able to wait and waste it out naturally. However, if you’re bleeding, or experiencing pain or discomfort: seek medical help immediately.

YOUR SKIN, HANDS, FINGERS AND NAILS

Whether you’re fisting, or playing with toys, hands should be in a good condition. Skin should be unbroken and have no cuts, sores or abrasions. Fingernails should be clean, short, and filed to remove any rough edges. Cuticles (that’s where your fingernails join your fingers) should be smooth and unbroken. You can soften rough hands and calluses with a moisturiser. However, oil based moisturisers on your hands then coming into contact with condoms may damage them and make them less effective against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

You should abstain from these activities altogether if your skin is broken or has cuts, sores or abrasions, or if cuticles are torn or split, or if fingernails are damaged, ragged or raw. This is because damaged or broken skin is more likely to cause internal damage and/or provide routes for infection to get into the body. Blood, cum, and waste may be infected with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases like hepatitis, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and herpes. If you feel you have to partake in these activities, be responsible enough to at least wear gloves, and use extra lube. Again, you should just be safe and abstain until hands are in good condition again.

LONG TERM EFFECTS OF BUTTPLAY

Some would argue that in addition to the risk of HIV/STD’s the use of dildos and fisting means that there is a gradual reduction in the elasticity and co-ordination of the sphincter muscles which can ultimately result in permanent damage. This can lead to problems in evacuating one’s bowels and incontinence. Certainly there are men with butts the size of the Marianas Trench which most likely be the result of overuse, or pushing their bodies too far, too fast, without enough consideration for their bodies, health, incontinence, or any combination of the three. Your b

Others would argue that by taking sensible precautions we can reduce the risk of HIV/STD infection to an acceptable level. Like many other parts of our bodies, with practice and care, we can tone up and improve our sphincter muscle control. Furthermore, by gaining an understanding of our digestive system and the workings of our butt, we are better able to manage and care for them.

It’s difficult to imagine us not using our butts for sex in some way. And so, in the absence of any clear information about the long-term effects of buttplay, the following guidelines are - admittedly - a compromise between over doing it and not doing it:

Use your butt - don’t abuse it
Treat your butt with care and respect, listen to what your body has to say
If in doubt - don’t
Adopt good techniques in anal preparation and play
Don’t do anything that causes pain or discomfort
Respond quickly, and as calm as possible to any problems or complications
Go for regular check-ups

BLOOD AND INJURY

During or after sex, you may see a ‘little pink’ in the lubricant. Some of us maintain that this is not unusual and that this is not necessarily a reason to stop, at least not immediately. However, it is important to make clear that physical damage has already been done. Furthermore, if gloves have not been used and your hands aren’t in perfect condition, there could be a risk of HIV/STD transmission.

If the blood becomes brighter, thicker or darker in colour you should stop what you’re doing. If there is pain, discomfort or continued blood loss, go to a doctor, or an emergency room/hospital immediately. Alternatively, you could phone your local police station who will know the location of the nearest hospital to you, (no - you don’t have to tell them what’s happened!) It can sometimes be several hours before you realise that harm has been done. Indications that there is a problem may include a temperature, persistent pain or discomfort, sweating, feeling nauseous or weak.

IF IN DOUBT GET ADVICE OR HELP

If your partner ends up with most of your bowel lining in their hand, now is not the time to go to sleep, lounge around, or do anything recreational. seek mnedical attention if there are any signs of trouble.

HOW YOUR BUTT WORKS:

THE BEGINNING & THE END

Your butt is just the beginning, or rather the end, of your digestive and waste disposal system. This is one of the most important functioning parts of our bodies, which extracts nutrients and goodness from the food we eat and then gets rid of the waste. Many people believe that this is just a small tube linked to the stomach where waste sits waiting for the rectal express to the toilet via your butt. If you’re anything like this, your digestive system is about 27 feet (8m) short. In fact, from mouth to butthole, it’s a 30-foot (9m) long canal, regulated by a series of canal locks and chambers, and lined with muscles that nudge and move the food and waste along.

THE STOMACH

After eating, food can spend anything up to 6 hours in the stomach, a ‘J’ shaped organ about 14 inches (35cm) long. Here, acids and enzymes digest food until it becomes a semi-liquid soup that you’ve seen from time to time as vomit. The speed at which food leaves the stomach depends on what you’ve eaten and what’s going on further down the line. Nerves connect the butt to the stomach and vice versa and transmit messages to control the flow of food and waste. For example, you may experience discomfort or pains in your stomach if you are constipated or being fucked or fisted. Conversely, when you eat, quite often you want to go for a waste.

THE SMALL INTESTINE

Only in a semi-liquid form is the food passed on to the next stage of digestion the small intestine, a rubbery tube, an inch (2.5cm) wide and some 21 feet (6.5m) long. This is made up of the duodenum 10 inches (25m), the jejunum 10 feet (3m) and ileum 13 feet (4m). Although these sections of your intestine are all slightly different in what they do, it’s here that the nutrients and goodness in food are extracted.

THE LARGE INTESTINE

What remains resembles a rich vegetable soup, which passes into the large intestine. This is rather like an inverted 'U’ shaped pipe, 6 feet (2m) long, which joins the small intestine at the bottom right hand corner, near your appendix. This is made up of four sections: the ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colons. Here, much of the water and salt from the waste is absorbed back into the body as it passes through and consequently the waste becomes more solid. By the time it leaves the sigmoid colon and reaches the rectum, waste is normally in discrete turds of a good consistency and reasonable size. waste in the rectum leaves by way of the anal canal and finally your butthole. The sigmoid colon is best described as the final packaging and holding bay, the rectum is the dispatch area and the anal canal to your butthole is the main gate. This is achieved by good muscle control much of which we know little about and yet it hopefully lasts us an entire lifetime.

THE RECTUM, ANAL CANAL & BUTTHOLE

Around the connecting tube between your sigmoid colon and rectum is a ring of muscle that angles the tube in such a way as to close it off. This (sphincter) muscle regulates the waste leaving the sigmoid colon; without it, your rectum would fill up continuously and you’d be wasting all the time. Your rectum is a stretchy 4-5 inch (10-13cm) muscular tube that can stretch to the size of a clenched fist (when full of waste) or a hand. Below your rectum is the anal canal, 1-2 inches (2-5cm) long, which ends in your butt hole. The surface of the rectum and the anal canal is usually covered with a thin layer of mucus or natural lubricant designed to help with evacuating, and which also helps offer protection from infections. If you rub the surface, you quickly exhaust the supply of mucus, which is why you need additional lubricant when putting anything up the butt.

At the bottom of the anal canal, is another sphincter muscle made up of two smaller interconnected rings of muscle. One of them is not under your direct control but responds to internal body messages; for example, when the rectum is full or when you cough - the muscle tightens. When the muscle doesn’t work properly you leak. You have more control over the other muscle, which you can relax or tighten at will. Try it now - you see, control is everything.

EVACUATING BOWELS

The weight of waste stretching the sides of the sigmoid colon signals the top sphincter muscle to relax briefly allowing a measured amount into the rectum. This is also called a bowel movement. If you’re ready to go and usually sitting on a toilet, the bottom sphincter muscle relaxes and lets the waste down the anal canal and out through your butt hole.

SENSATION TO ENLARGEMENT PAIN & TOUCH

The rectum only senses enlargement and stretch, whilst the anal canal can sense temperature, touch and pain. This makes the anal canal more fun to play with than the rectum, which will only be noticed if you stretch its walls. Above the rectum there are no receptors to sense pain or injury so penetration beyond this point is more risky. To the front of the rectum (tummy side) is your prostate gland, doughnut-shaped and about the size of a chestnut. This is very sensitive to pressure. At orgasm, it releases fluid and nutrients in which sperm swim and live.

COMPLICATIONS

There are many factors involved in evacuating your bowels properly, and many of these can go wrong. If your sphincter muscles don’t seal properly then you may leak or waste yourself. Ulcers or a split in the anal canal may mean you get pain and a tighter sphincter muscle. If you regularly use laxatives, you may damage the nerve supply to this area and then either get diarrhoea or constipation. If you experience anything out of the ordinary or have any concerns - go to a doctor. Prevention or early treatment is preferable to suffering, or getting serious complications needing surgery.

DIARRHEA

Diarrhea is usually caused by an irritation of the intestine lining or infection in your small or large intestine. Quite simply, your body wants to get rid of whatever the problem is and, if it can’t vomit it out, it needs to get it through your system as quickly as possible. The little muscles that massage your food along go into over-drive (which is what can cause stomach aches, pain and cramps). The locks and valves regulating the flow of your digestive system open up to help flush-out infections or irritants and your body is so desperate to get rid of it that it doesn’t have time to extract the water from your turds. It’s at times like this that you’re open to release that all too familiar brown sludge.

Oddly enough, we sometimes underestimate our body’s ability to deal with situations like this. Generally, speaking, it is best to let nature take its course - not forgetting to drink lots of fluids to help wash out your digestive system and prevent dehydration However, if symptoms persist - get it checked out.

CONSTIPATION

Constipation can be caused by spasms in the large intestine, insufficient bulk or roughage in your diet, lack of exercise or stress. waste passing through the colon - which extracts just enough water to turn the sludge into solid turds, can get stuck there where they continue to 'dry out’ until they become hard and knotted. your bowels is then painful as the hardened turds rub abrasively against the walls of your colon, rectum and anal canal.

HAEMORRHOIDS

Hemorrhoids are veins near the surface of the bottom part of your anal canal that have become inflamed, forming pockets or bags of blood. Initially, they’ll stay inside but they can, over time, get larger and be pulled towards your butt hole by the downward motion of evacuating your bowels. If constipated, straining makes them much worse. Sometimes they split open and can bleed, often quite profusely.

DIETARY ADVICE

Lowering stress levels, taking regular exercise and a balanced diet will all play important roles in helping to ensure that your digestive system works well and is problem free. Dietary advice to prevent constipation is based on the effects of certain foods being able to resist digestion. Such foods increase the weight (and volume) of waste, and are also able to bind water more effectively, forming a turd that is softer, and easier to expel from the body. Fruit and vegetables, both cooked and raw, whole-grain cereal products such as brown rice, wholemeal bread, flour products and whole-wheat breakfast cereals are excellent turd-bulking agents and the maxim is the more the merrier. Pulses, such as lentils and beans, are also known to be effective, although the novice may become rather farty and will need to adjust intakes accordingly.

The addition of bran to the diet (along with sufficient fluid intake) can provide some relief from constipation, although this should not be a substitution for a healthy diet. Diets which are more likely to lead to constipation include dairy products, fatty foods and foods which have little or no fibre. If you experience pain, discomfort, if you’re not evacuating properly solid turds regularly or if you have any concerns - visit your doctor.

DOUCHING

At a very young age we are taught to dispose of waste needy and hopefully silently and are not encouraged to talk about one of life’s messy taboos. Consequently, for many of us, it’s not something we deal with very well. There’s probably been a time in all our lives when, during sex, soiled ourselves or seen our partner(s) do the same. Embarrassing or what! Like many things in life, with practice and familiarity we can get it right. Whether you’re learning to drive, using a computer, or putting in your first set of contact lenses, the experience is often uncomfortable or daunting at first. Douching for the first time is no different. Quite apart from cleaning you out, douching is a good way for you to get to know your butt, how it feels and works. Whilst waste can be unpleasant to some people, douching helps to put it into perspective and over time it becomes little more than an occupational hazard. Putting water inside you butt triggers your sphincter muscles to relax, letting out the water and the waste. Although never foolproof, douching makes fucking, heavy lingering, using dildos and in particular fisting, much cleaner.

Douching by itself can cause irritation as the water washes away friendly bacteria and a protective mucus lining the inside of your butt. Rough or careless douching technique can bruise the wall of your butt and breaks in the surface are more susceptible to infections, which can be difficult and unpleasant to treat. Furthermore, if your butt is damaged, this can provide a way into the body for cum, blood, piss and waste, possibly infected with HIV and other STD’s. You can minimise these risks with good technique, and by maintaining your douche equipment.

There are three types of douche equipment. Whichever method you use, the principle remains the same: you’re clearing yourself out with water: (shower or tap) hose attachments which produces the most consistent supply of water and allows you to control the pressure; gravity feed douches which depends on gravity to take the water into your butt; and bulb syringe douches that offers a handy and ever so portable alternative to the other two methods but which relies on you to pump the water inside.

HOW FAR TO DOUCHE & STAYING CLEAN

What you want to do sexually usually determines how far you’ll want to douche and the further up you douche the longer you’ll remain clean. Douching to the depth you require comes with practice. Factors to consider are how far up you put the nozzle, the amount and pressure of water and how long you keep the water inside before releasing it. You have sphincter muscles above and below the rectum and you need to bear in mind that there is sometimes waste above both of them. When douching the rectum, the nozzle or the build-up of water can accidentally stimulate the top sphincter muscle, which may relax and let a dump of waste down from the sigmoid colon. This often means that you have to douche again. What was to be a 10-15 minute douche now takes much longer as you have to wash out the area above the top muscle as well as the rectum. However with practice, you will improve your muscle control and sense how long your douche will take.

It’s difficult to gauge how long you’ll remain clean. Factors to take into consideration include what and when you last ate, to what extent you’ve douched and whether you have any diarrhoea, irritation or infection. For example, if you eat after douching, your digestive system, like a conveyer belt, moves everything along and this is likely to affect the time you’ll stay clean. All things being equal - if you douche lightly you should be all right for 2-4 hours, with a deeper douche 4-6 hours, often longer. Apart from the discomfort of having sex after a big meal, eating after douching will reduce the time you remain clean. You also need to remember that occasional muscle reflexes from the rectum to the stomach and small intestine can cause symptoms such as tummy upset and cramps which also speeds the food towards the rectum.

HOSE (BATH & SHOWER) ATTACHMENTS

Using a hose attachment is an effective way to clear out the rectum and, if you want to go further, the sigmoid colon and further up. A hose attachment with a continuous stream of water is more likely to accomplish this than gravity or bulb syringe douches which uses less water, pumped in manually.

You attach one end of the hose to the shower or bath/sink tap, and slide the nozzle end up your butt, making sure that the water pressure and temperature are correct. This type of douche (or direct plumbing hook-up) runs the risk of unexpected changes, which can be uncomfortable or even dangerous. Gauging the correct pressure comes with practice but as a guide: turn the head of water upward like a fountain - it should be no more than 1-2 inches (2-5cm) high. Some hot water systems are not able to provide warm water at this low rate of flow and the only way you’ll get water at the right temperature is with a higher fountain. Just be careful. If the water pressure’s too high, this is the classic way to perforate or 'puncture’ the wall of your rectum or colon. This is not that common but it does happen and monitoring flow and temperature will significantly reduce any risks. However, a hose is more likely to wash away the protective mucus lining your butt than a gravity or bulb syringe douche. Any infections taken into your rectum or already present can be taken further up where it can be difficult to treat. Again, anecdotal evidence suggests that this is not common but, it does happen and good hygiene will significantly reduce any risks.

GRAVITY DOUCHE

This method is slower but some believe safer. Douche kits of this type usually consist of a plastic 3-4 pint (2 litre) bag, a 3 foot (1 metre) tube, a 5-6 inch (12cm) nozzle and a small on/off tap to control the flow. The bag is filled with water and hung about 5-6 feet (2 metres) above the toilet. The water pressure increases, the higher you raise the bag. Gravity carries the water down the tube into your rectum through the nozzle that you put up your butt. The tap is used to control the flow. One bag of water may not be enough; to avoid running out, an extra jug of water is handy. As a rough guide, it takes about 10-20 minutes, perhaps longer, particularly if your waste is loose. Gravity feed douches will clear out the rectum and sigmoid colon and can be a better option if you want to douche beyond. This is because the flow of water is gentler and allows the douche to go further up the colon before the muscles react. Hose attachments are more likely to stimulate your sphincter muscles making them react and releasing the water before it can flow beyond the sigmoid colon.

BULB SYRINGE DOUCHE

If you don’t have facilities to use a hose or gravity feed douche, a bulb syringe is a practical alternative. The size of a bulb syringe douche will restrict how far you can douche. They are used to clear out the bottom part of the rectum, although larger ones will clear out the rectum fully. This method can, but is unlikely to, reach and clear out your sigmoid colon. The equipment consists of bulb-shaped container made of rubber and a plastic or rubbery nozzle that you either screw on or push into the top. They vary in size holding between 125-250ml (3-8fl oz). You fill the bulb with water, insert the nozzle up your butt and squeeze the bulb to pump the water into your rectum.

WHAT TO DO

If you’re new to douching, above all: be gentle and feel your way. Take your time and never rush. The following information and tips are an ideal. With practice and time you’ll adapt them to suit your own needs. Their aim is to ensure that you do the job as well as possible and reduce the risk of complications or infection to an absolute minimum.

First of all, try and go to the bathroom naturally before douching, then decide where you’re going to douche. The bathroom / toilet is usually the best place but wherever you do it remember that pushing lumps of waste down a shower or bath plughole is messy, not much fun, and can upset hotel staff, roommates or your mother!

When you’re ready to start, wash your hands thoroughly. You may wish to lock the door (unless you want someone to watch). A towel within easy reach is often useful
Using lukewarm water will make douching easier and more comfortable. Make sure metal douche nozzles are warm. Using cold water is like throwing your butt into a freezer - it clamps up and can send you into shock. Let the water run through for a few seconds to make sure it is at the correct pressure and temperature


Smearing a little lubricant on the inside of the entrance of your butt and on the nozzle end will help it slip inside. (As you continue to douche you might need to re-lube the nozzle)
Relax your sphincter muscles and gently slide the nozzle up into your butthole, this usually varies between 3-5 inches (7-12cm). Then, without straining, close your sphincter muscles (to help keep the water inside). As you feel your rectum filling with water, you’ll feel the urge to push and empty yourself. Try to take in as much water as you can comfortably, but never strain to keep the water inside. Relax your sphincter muscles to let out the water and any waste. Take in more water to repeat the process until you’re flushing out clear water


You will probably need to hold the nozzle in place with your hand while you’re douching. When you let the water and waste out, your hand is very likely to come into direct contact with it. This may come as a bit of a shock to you but however, unpleasant as it may seem, waste is nothing more than the remains of digested food. (And if you enjoy rimming - then you should have nothing to complain about)


If you rush douching by perhaps thrusting the nozzle inside or banging it against a sphincter muscle, your butt will register the pain, and tighten up or prematurely empty out the water and waste. These spasms or cramps may mean you may experience some discomfort but this is not so much dangerous as unpleasant. Your muscles usually settle down after a few minutes. As was said earlier, the answer is usually very simple: be gentle and take your time. With care and practice, you should be able to manipulate the water to get into those little unseen nooks and crannies. 


Each person’s butt is different but as a rough guide it can take 5-10 flushes to clear yourself out depending on how much waste there is inside you, its consistency, and your muscle control. When you’ve finished you may feel that there’s some water caught inside. Be careful for a while afterwards, as there’s nothing worse than dumping a load of douche water on the floor or on the bus! You may feel the need to get rid of the water, but remember that your colon is an expert in absorbing water back into the body. Within 10-20 minutes or so you will probably feel okay, but you may want to piss. Remember that douching is never foolproof. Sometimes you can clean yourself out and then find yourself wanting to waste ten minutes later. There will be other times when you’ll remain clean longer than you anticipated. Practice and experience are your best guides.

KEEPING DOUCHE EQUIPMENT CLEAN

Ideally, clean your equipment before and after use. Wash it in hot soapy water. If the equipment is being shared, flush it through with a one-part bleach to ten parts water (1:10) solution. Rinse it thoroughly with water or the next time you use the equipment you may flush soap or bleach residues into your butt (not very clever). Ensure that your douche equipment is in good condition and free of nicks or cracks where infections may lurk in wait. Some people will flush the equipment through with a bleach solution just to make extra sure it is free of infection. However, this can damage and 'rot’ some rubber douches. You can also boil metal douches, but remember to let it cool down again before use!

ETIQUETTE

As a host (if you’ve taken someone back), you have a responsibility to ensure that a guest knows where to douche, and what they should and shouldn’t use by way of bathroom douche and shower utensils. (Remember to provide clean towels). As a guest (if you’ve been taken back), you have a responsibility to make sure you know where you can douche, and what facilities you can and can’t use.

FISTING

Some of us get turned on by taking as much of a hand as far inside the butt as possible. Practice is the name of the game and almost everyone can accommodate at least a few fingers. To get a fist in and out safety does require more effort time and concentration on the part of both partners. In this chapter the term 'fister’ has been used for the person giving the fist, 'fistee’ the person receiving.

While there are obvious benefits to fisting with an experienced partner, learning with another novice can be just as safe and horny. It’s advisable to take some time to get to know each other, and to try and discover each other’s fantasies. Whatever happens it is important for both of you - but particularly the fistee - that you feel relaxed and comfortable. Foreplay should never be underestimated in helping develop a sense of rapport, trust and humour. Codes or 'stop/start rules’ are essential and should be agreed beforehand. 'Stop’ from a fistee means stop immediately and 'out’ means out albeit, very slowly and with extreme care. The important thing is to talk about what you want and not to assume or guess.

If you fist beyond the rectum you may encounter several problems, and complications are more likely to occur. There are no receptors to register pain above the rectum. Perforations and subsequent bleeding can go unnoticed for several hours. You’re more inclined to press against and bruise other body organs. You may damage the upper sphincter muscle so that it doesn’t close property (but still has to regulate waste passing between the sigmoid colon and rectum) which can result in leaks or wasting yourself.

TRUST

If a person allows you deep into their body, they are putting a tremendous amount of trust in you. Be extremely gentle and careful and take all movement slowly. Sudden movements can be very painful. Never do anything that could tear or injure. The more you go in, the more you might find yourself pressing against your partner’s organs, so take great care. If the fistee wants you to be up there, he will be encouraging you.

THE FISTER

First, if you’re into controlling others in sex or if your trip is power, then don’t fist unless it is part of an agreed scene. An experienced fister knows that such control is a fantasy. When you’re buried inside someone else, it is the fistee that allows you the privilege of being there. They are putting trust in you that you will respect their vulnerability and together create a combined energy that neither of you could ever create on your own. A good fister is totally focused on the needs of the fistee and is aware that each partner is different physically and mentally. There is no one best way to do anything and using a particular technique on one person may not work on another.

ENTRY

Before you start, choose which hand you’re going to use. A combination of fisting and then wanking with the same hand could increase the risk of infections both ways. Remove all rings, jewellery or sharp objects, which may cause damage or just get lost! If you are going to fist 'bareback’ i.e without gloves then check to make sure your fingernails are cut short so as to not tear the lining of the rectum. If you do have cuts or 'hangnails’ then it would be advisable to wear gloves. Cover your entire hand and partner’s butthole with a generous coating of lubricant. The kind of lubricant depends on your personal preference. Then slowly press in and out with one finger. When there is no resistance, increase to two. Try using just a thumb, using its base to broaden the opening further, and twisting slowly. When your partner is ready, gently work in three fingers until you find yourself to the knuckles. Each time you come out add more lubricant making sure there’s lubricant ahead of you. This will prevent drying out which can cause major discomfort for both of you. Initial opening up is often a slow process.

Never rush, savour the moment and take your time. Do not assume that gaining entrance (past your knuckles) to the rectum will be quick and easy. It is often the greatest challenge for fisters and the most likely point when inexperienced fistees will want to have a break or stop altogether. Before gaining full entry into the rectum, find an angle of approach that fists most comfortably and try to avoid pushing against any bony structure.

Often the most sensuous moment of the session is the gentle slide of your hand into the cavity. Enter as slowly as possible, allowing your partner to savour the moment. Once inside, rest a few seconds until your partner’s body has had time to adjust. To confirm adequate relaxation, it may be appropriate to come out completely, slowly and carefully, and re-enter again. Above all, be sensitive to the needs of your partner and you’ll know what to do when you get there. Your hand is now situated in your partner’s rectum, which is about 8-10 inches (20-25cm) deep and will expand on stretching. Having entered the rectum you should curve your fingers to make a fist with your thumb inside, although practice will provide variations on this. Once you’ve settled inside, a gentle in-and-out motion (without pulling out of the cavity) will usually help your partner relax. Taking cues from your partner, allow yourself to be subtly creative, changing the speed, twist and depth.

As you gently work yourself inside, allow your hand to slowly open. Then go slowly - and gently - feeling your way deeper into the passage. Your partner will probably let you know with groans and moans whether to proceed or stay right where you are. Also he will tell you when it’s time for a break perhaps having cum, sensed impending soreness, reached exhaustion or just a need to rest from the overwhelming experience and emotion. Sometimes you’ll be the one who initiates the break, realising that your partner is overdoing it or that your hand is getting dry. Sometimes, you will reach orgasm or just run out of energy. Your break may be for a few seconds or may signal a major rest period, or perhaps your partner may have had just enough for that session. As you become more experienced with each other, fisters will be able to gauge how much the fistee can take in a session. A thoughtful fistee will also make sure to see to their partner’s needs.

THE FISTEE

In theory, almost anyone can take a hand inside the rectum although few people have the ability to relax enough to do it easily or at will. The technique is about learning to relax and let go rather than stretching the anal canal - allowing your butt muscles to accept entrance from the outside with the same ease they should be allowing release from the inside.

PRACTICE


You can loosen up by using increasingly larger dildos and butt-plugs. A more effective way is to increase control of your sphincter muscles by exploring your butt with your own fingers, (clean and lubed of course). Once again - practice is the name of the game. Explore gently, see how this part of your body reacts to deep breathing or thoughts of fear and relaxation. Remember. Go slowly, take your time and don’t push; it’s not a race or competition. If your butt feels threatened or attacked it will react in fear, and tighten up. (As mentioned earlier, douching will help familiarise yourself with your butt - getting a sense of where things are and their dimensions). With greater control dildos and butt-plugs will be more pleasurable and give you experience in stretching and taking more and more inside you. A fistee needs to remain relaxed, which is helped by practice. Breathing deeply, rather than holding your breath, will often help. You should be pulling or willing your partner in so that there’s no need to push. Sometimes briefly pushing out as if going to the bathroom, then pulling in can make a difference.

As a fistee you have a responsibility to let your partner know you’re okay. You should also be aware that your partner may need a break and has needs of his own, which a considerate fistee will attempt to meet. If you sense or feel discomfort or have pain tell your partner to slow down, take a break or stop. It’s your body - if it’s telling you something: listen. Pain could mean that you’re going to be sore later or hurt. More importantly, if your partner isn’t listening or thinks they know better question whether they’re suitable and maybe suggest they take their frustrations elsewhere. Ultimately, it is trust - the absence of fear - that not only makes taking a hand possible but makes it the great experience it can be. You also have a responsibility to let your partner know when it’s feeling good. Support them all you can: maybe talk, moan or groan, or if you can touch him respond to movements you can feel inside.

BLOOD SORENESS PAIN & DAMAGE

A little soreness is common and usually goes away in an hour or so and it may also indicate that your partner went in or came out a bit too fast. The most common feeling is that your butt feels like it is purring (A la Eartha Kitt). Sometimes air will have worked its way into the system but this will feel no different from standard gas pain and will work its way through in time. Once the prostate and bladder have been stimulated, it’s also common to feel the need to piss afterwards and often not be able to do so easily. As stated earlier, there are risks associated with fisting and damage can happen and can include perforations or holes in your lower intestine. These may be little (or not so little) fissures or splits or can range from bleeding to a prolapsed rectum requiring surgery. You should not underestimate any of these problems or complications. This is usually as a result of the fister being unnecessarily rough or the fistee being too drugged up to recognise their limitations. A tear or perforation may not be noticed for an hour or two. Internal pain (that often increases over time) and or undiluted blood is an indication of damage. Douching after a session is not a good idea as this can aggravate any minor cuts or abrasions. In the remote possibility that there are minute perforations or tears, douching is likely to make them more severe.

Don’t hesitate to seek medical help immediately. Try not to be embarrassed or apologetic if you have to go to an Accident and Emergency Department. Although hospital staff may think what you’ve done is strange, they should deal with you professionally and will have very possibly seen it all before. If you have perforated your bowel going to hospital can save your life.

FEELING SICK DROWSINESS & FOOD

After your session, you may feel the need to push out the lube and any mucus, and this is not unnatural, given what you have just been doing. Take your time, and don’t strain. You may also feel sick, drowsy or perhaps a little confused. Between heavy breathing, smoke from candles, incense, cigarettes, and using poppers or other drugs you may have used up much of the oxygen in the room. All you might need is to open the windows or go for a short walk. Alternatively, you may just want to sleep! You may also feel hungry, so if you can, plan ahead and have something easy to make or ready made. Even if you don’t have the munchies, make sure you drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids.

PROTECTION

(Condoms gloves and lubricants )

While many of us know how to protect ourselves, some of us have taken the decision not to, and the reasons for this are varied and complex. Knowledge about HIV, the assumptions we make about others, the trust we place in our partner(s), knowing one’s status, how we feel about ourselves, feeling horny, and being in love - all play a part in the decisions we take, whether we realise it or not. When we don’t protect ourselves, finding out why, dealing with guilt or simply talking about it is not easy. 'Bareback’ sex (fucking without condoms) is something that I am not going to get into on these pages, sufficed to say, that those who do it, do it for their own reasons, and provided all those concerned are in possession of the facts about each other’s status (HIV/HBV etc.) and are happy to continue knowing the risks, then that is their decision. There are those more capable and qualified to provide the support and education needed.

However, we learn to live with the implications of the decisions we make. Talking with friends is not the answer, and ultimately we must decide for ourselves what risks we’re prepared to take, but it may be helpful. There are an increasing number of services specifically for gay men that can support us to make intelligent, well-informed decisions about our sexual health, and they are not there simply to tell us to 'practise safer sex!’

HIV & STD’S

For there to be a risk from HIV infection three things have to happen:

HIV has to be in pre-cum, cum or blood, but since we invariably don’t know if a person’s body fluids are infected with HIV, we should always assume that they are. Piss, waste and saliva are okay by themselves (although they might carry the risk of other STD’s) but are also a risk of HIV infection if they are mixed with cum, pre-cum or blood
There has to be a way (or route) for the virus to get into the bloodstream, like broken skin, a nick or cut, a sore, or a wound. Although we might think that no route exists, it’s impossible to check out the inside of your butt or be certain that our hands are in good condition.
Something has to happen (or an activity) involving 1 and 2. Using dildos, fucking, or fisting would be three examples of activities where pre-cum, cum or blood could present a risk of infection
In addition to HIV there is the risk of other sexually transmitted diseases. These include: the hepatitis viruses (which can fuck up your liver), gonorrhoea (which can be like pissing jagged razor blades), and syphilis (with painless sores that, if left untreated, can lead to more severe health problems). Last, but by no means least, there is herpes and warts. In the earlier stages, many of these STDs can have few or no symptoms so regular check-ups are essential.

RUBBER

The basic component of condoms and most gloves is rubber, This is made from latex, a naturally occurring product, which is obtained from a few tropical and non-tropical plants as a milky juice by carefully peeling back the bark of the tree. The main source is the rubber tree, which grows up to 30 metres tall. Initially it was found in the jungles of Malaysia where rubber was already known to Maya culture; but it was only with the invention of vulcanisation (and no it has nothing to do with Mr.Spock!), a process developed by Goodyear in the late 1830’s, that 'rubber’ was born. Adding particles of sulphur to rubber produces an increase in the strength and a reduction in elasticity (stretchiness), which can be used as required for the manufacture of soft or hard rubber. Today, condom and glove production uses a large number of additives in order to accelerate the process and dictate the product’s texture, strength and elasticity.

RUBBER (LATEX) GLOVES

Not everyone uses gloves for fisting. Some people find that wearing them defeats the object, that it’s physical closeness of 'naked’ hand against butt mixed with the intensity of the scene - which turns both partners on and plays a major part in completing the experience. It is generally accepted that if your hands and fingers are in good condition the risk of HIV is relatively low. However, you will reduce the risk further by wearing gloves and if you feel safer wearing them - use them. Wearing gloves creates a barrier between infections (present in blood, cum, piss and waste) and routes into your bloodstream (like cuts, sores, abrasions, broken skin and wounds). It also means that a soiled-gloved hand can be pulled off, turned inside out and disposed of easily.

Some clinics give away gloves but you will probably have to ask for them. You can buy them in shops; unfortunately you will often find that retailers have bought them in bulk, split them into pairs and are knocking them out at vastly inflated prices. Whether gloves come individually, in pairs or in bulk (boxes of 50 or 100), the standards to which they have been made should be clearly visible, Gloves should meet the International ISO 9002 or British Standard BS4005. 1995 also saw the arrival of the CE European Standard. If you don’t see these standards you should ask if they are medical grade A examination gloves, (not to be confused with grade B gloves which are for non-clinical use).

You should remove all rings, jewellery or sharp objects before putting on gloves which should fit snugly. The chart should help you decide the best size for you. Obviously, the better they fit - the more you will be able to feel. Generally, gloves covering your hands to the wrist are suitable although some brands have longer cuffs. Some gloves come pre-powdered which can make them easier to put on, but the powder can irritate the butt if it gets inside. Veterinary (calving) gloves can be used for fisting although you may find that they restrict your hand and finger movements, and sense of touch.

CONDOMS

In the past, condoms have been made out of all sorts of materials including oiled paper, linen or animal gut. Up until the 1930’s rubber condoms were thick, washable and reusable. However, the development of latex in the later 1930’s meant that thinner, disposable condoms could be produced. These were more sensitive than their predecessors and have guaranteed manufacturers more regular incomes! There are now plastic condoms on the market (made of the same material as Femidoms), the most easily available and well known one is called Avanti manufactured by Durex. These newer condoms are 'oil friendly’, so if you wanted to use an oil based lube for fisting and then fuck afterwards, these ones are ok to use.

SHAPES SIZES LUBRICANTS & FLAVOURS

Different shaped condoms are designed for different shaped peniss, so experiment. Most come in two widths 49mm and 52mm and in a variety of shapes: ribbed, straight, plain ended, flared and contoured. Most condoms are lubricated with sensitol, nonoxynol 9 or another spermicide. There are also flavoured and dry condoms can be used for sucking but which are not really recommended for fucking.

STRONGER CONDOMS

Obviously thicker condoms will lessen the sensitivity of the penis. If this is a problem for you, try using one of the thinner brands of condoms along with plenty of water-based lubricant but check it regularly while you’re fucking, as there may be a greater chance of the condom tearing. Also, a drop of water-based lubricant in the condom (or placed on the end of your penis) before rolling it on may increase sensitivity. Although thicker condoms offer better protection under ideal circumstances, the benefits are probably outweighed if your dick is so desensitised that you have to shunt about for hours on end like an inter-city 125 before you can come. (If you do tend to cum too quickly - a thicker condom may help delay your orgasm). Some manufacturers are at pains to point out that their condoms are only tested for use in vaginal intercourse although recent years has seen the arrival of 'stronger’ (thicker) condoms like HT Specials and Gay Safe which exceed current testing standards. While there is some truth in the idea that thicker = stronger = safer, this has been at the expense of emphasising the need for good condom technique and the correct lubricant. What protection is a super strong condom going to offer you if you are unable to use it properly or use an oil-based lube? There are two reasons why condoms fail: product failure (something was wrong with the condom when it was made) and user failure (when people haven’t followed the instructions properly). Trials (Involving vaginal intercourse) over several years have shown that condoms are very effective for regular users. It’s unfamiliarity and poor technique, which can cause problems.

STANDARDS

It is widely accepted that condoms should meet BS3704 (British) or IS04074 (International) condom and testing standards. You should be able to find this on the condom box or wrapper. However, the European CE standard is playing an increasing role in setting (what many believe to be) higher standards. Some brands claim to exceed BS3704 or IS04074. They might, and (if they do) the claim isn’t illegal. However, it isn’t a guarantee of quality and could just mean that at some time, some samples of that brand surpassed the test requirements.

CONDOMS FOR FUCKING

Check the expiration date on the condom box or wrapper and ensure that they conform to the recommended standard.


Make sure there is more than one condom on hand and a condom-compatible lubricant. Some tissues or a towel may also be useful.


If you’re getting fucked, make sure your butt is well lubricated. Place some on a finger or two and start to work it up your butt. Make sure it’s spread up and around. The more relaxed the butthole is, the more pleasure you should both get and the condom is less likely to split.


A torn condom is a useless condom, so be careful with sharp/jagged fingernails, teeth or jewellery etc.
Open the condom wrapper carefully, being careful not to tear the condom in the process. If you have already been using lubricant this can be difficult which is why some people use their teeth. You could also use the towel to wipe your hands before attempting to open the wrapper


Before you put the condom on your penis it should be hard and stiff. The harder your penis is, the easier this is to do. If you have a foreskin it will have usually pulled itself back, if not gently pull it back.


With your thumb and forefinger squeeze the teat end of the condom to get rid of the air, before rolling it all the way down the shaft of your penis. This will make room for the cum.


If your penis goes soft at this point - work up some steam and put it on later using a new condom.
Unless otherwise agreed, ask your partner if he’s ready before putting your penis up his butt. Then off you go. While you’re fucking - you should check regularly to see that the condom is still in place, or has not split or torn.


When you’ve finished, hold the condom at the base of your penis before pulling out so you don’t lose it. Tie a knot in it to stop anything dribbling out. Wrap it up in some tissue or paper towel and throw it in the garbage. (Don’t put it down the toilet it will only bob back up).

LUBRICANTS

There are three main types of lubricants: oil-based, water-based, and silicone lubricants. these are condom and glove compatible, but have the consistency of oil-based lubricants. Depending on what you want to do, you need to know which lubricant to use, and whether it contains a spermicide, e.g. nonoxynol9.In one way, oil-based and water-based lubricants behave similarly in that they reduce the friction between whatever is going into your butt and the butt lining. However, you need the right amount of lubricant to do the job. Too much - and the practicalities of what you’re trying to do can become difficult. Too little - and you cause discomfort and pain (to both partners) and run the risk of damaging the condom, the butt, or both.

Water-based lubricants dry up because your intestine absorbs the lubricant’s water content back into the body leaving a useless sticky residue. Insufficient lubricant increases friction and is a major factor in condoms tearing or causing damage to the lining of your butt. In fisting particularly, it’s essential but not necessarily easy, to come out for more lubricant.

Oil-based lubricants don’t dry up because your intestine is not capable of absorbing any of its components back into your body. It therefore stays there, goes further and lasts longer but this in itself can cause problems. Your lower intestine down to your butthole is now a bob sleigh-run and any waste left can shoot out at a moment’s notice! If you’re intofisting or larger than avaerage dildos, then oil-based lubes are generally a better option. If you have a fist up a partner’s butt, a comment like 'excuse me I’ve just got to pop out for some more lube’, doesn’t go down well. However, oil-based lubricants are not latex friendly, some would argue render them virtually useless, and so increase the risk of HIV/STD transmission. If you’re going to fuck as well, either use a water-based lube, condom compatible lubricant, or one of the new plastic condoms or maybe even try a female condom.

Silicone based lubricants are kind of the best of both worlds, tend NOT to wash off in the shower or bath. They are compatible with almost any toy, condom, or glove. They are slippery as anything, and don’t require as much as the other types, though you still will need to make sure to use enough. Remember, safety, health, and comfort are paramount, and will result in the pleasure you are looking for.

I am not a medical professional. The information provided here is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. It is not intended to be a comprehensive reference to conducting any activity. This is strictly presented to help people get on the right path to conducting themselves in a safe manner, to have a basic understanding for when asking a medical professional about these type of activities, and to guide people with their own research on how to conduct themselves safely, and without harming others. If anyone has further questions about the information here, I would urge you to get the advice of a medical doctor or other medical professional. Your health and safety are your own responsibility, and I take no responsibility for the health or safety or actions of anyone using or misusing the content here. The content here is not mine to claim, and has been compiled and researched from many sources over many years.

Lastly, I not an english major, or a professional editor or writer; Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors in this content. I am simply trying to share information I have found to help people be more safe and educated so they can make their own decisions.