Love Is An Act Of The Will ❤

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submissive-seeking: Love, obsession, is like a wild ride on a bullet train of a roller coaster….

Friendship is the solid ground upon which you build it to last.

Without the solid ground of friendship to fall back on when you find yourself screaming “STOP THE RIDE I WANT OFF!!!” where are you?

In the real world, when life is “lifing” all over you, love is not enough.

If you want a fairytale ending, commit-to/marry/submit-to/your-ideal-here… your best friend and put down the bullshit Harlequin Romance, 50 Shades, and Tumblr.

This is the part where I harp that love, REAL love, is NOT a feeling. It’s an act of the will. Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just are. Feelings are just a neurochemical storm and are fleeting.

“Real Love” is action that often requires the strength of an iron will. It is doing the right thing for the beloved, even when he/she will be unhappy or angry about it. It’s self sacrifice of your own desires (note I didn’t say needs) for the betterment or ease of the beloved. It’s being “loving” even when you’re hurt, angry, scared, or fucking exhausted.

Love shows up every fucking day, even when it hurts, even if it costs, even if you’re “just not feeling it….”

Tips for Healing After a Breakup

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empoweredsubmissive: I received a PM asking how to get over a Dom leaving a committed relationship.

This is such an important topic. Thank you for asking how I have healed. I’ll share what I know, what has helped me, and hope that it is helpful to you and many. Some are practical, some are symbolic, but they have all helped me.

*Know that it will get better. Doesn’t seem possible, but it will. It is a process that TAKES TIME.

*Be careful where you focus your attention. “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Learn that and use it, forever.

*Don’t trouble your mind with the what’s and why’s of his decision. This is sooo sooo difficult. As a submissive, our core is about pleasing our Dominant and we naturally assume blame belongs to us. But it doesn’t. He is just as, if not more, culpable. So, interrupt yourself when you start to blame yourself or figure out what happened in his mind - That takes energy away from YOU and doesn’t change the outcome. Plus, there is never any way you can know his mind with any certainty. YOU are what matters now. Remember, “Where focus goes….”

*Recognize that this pain IS more dynamic than the pain of a ‘vanilla’ breakup. The degree of trust and intimacy runs far deeper in BDSM, so does the pain.

*Grieve and take care of yourself. Cry, sleep, cry, eat, lots of water, cry. Stay far away from alcohol and sugar.

*Speak kindly to yourself – just as you would a child who is grieving. “Oh, sweetie, it hurts, I know it hurts….I know you are going to get through this.” “I know you are scared….” No “but’s” allowed in self-talk.

*Clear the space, especially the bedroom. Open windows, regardless of the temp.; light new candles; play upbeat music….wash the sheets OFTEN. Sounds silly, but the symbolic aspect of that is very helpful.

*Movement! Walks, dancing, aerobics class – just move.

*Write a letter to him. If you are inclined to send it, wait at least 3 weeks. (Making decisions when very mad or sad is ill-advised, at best.)

*Write down memories, pains, whatever you want onto small pieces of paper and then burn them, individually. Take a moment with each and then release it.

*Journal using paper and pencil – get those feelings out. Tapping keys on a keyboard is not the same.

*Create new patterns and rituals to replace those that existed within your relationship. Make sure they are things that promote your health and joy.

*Know that the people who love you want to help and don’t fault them for not understanding the depth of your pain. Ask them for what you need because they probably feel helpless.

I could go on and on, but these are my go-to’s.

I know the pain is crushing. It will lift. Hug yourself. Hugs from me to you.

Dating and Relationships

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Communication Skills for the Long Term Relationship - Don't store up grievances for each other, ever again.  Laundry lists of hurt feelings are what destroy relationships.  Build your relationship on honesty and vulnerability.

Polyamory, From the Inside - Our relationship started out open only for me, but I encouraged him around the 1-year mark to go out and try to enjoy meeting and hooking up with men and we’ve been equally open ever since. 

Resolving Jealousy & Polyamory - Sub here in a long-distance, open (w/ restrictions), poly relationship. Struggling with jealousy and insecurity with one of my boyfriends.

Handling Poly Relationships - How my Leather Family succeeds, every single day

Adding to the Leather Family - Building an interconnected Family of Choice.

Cotton Candy D/s vs. Meat-And-Potatoes D/s - When I first started in Domination/submission, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. But something else was missing…

Love Is An Act Of The Will ❤ - Love shows up every fucking day, even when it hurts, even if it costs, even if you’re “just not feeling it….”

Get What You Want: Just Ask! - I’ve never understood the “brat” mentality. From the outside looking in, I judge it to be detrimental to the dynamic because it’s based on dishonesty. This is not a “normal” relationship.

The Rewards of a Submissive - What most BDSM sites and blogs present is entertainment, sexual titillation, & at times outright coercion & abuse rather than an exploration of genuine submission and the amazing rewards it can bring to a Dom.

Coping Tips for Long Distance Relationships - Sending a personal item for them to hold or cuddle can be comforting for those times when the distance can be a little overwhelming.

Tips for Healing After a Breakup - I’ll share what I know, what has helped me, and hope that it is helpful to you and many. Some are practical, some are symbolic, but they have all helped me.

Death, Grieving, and Moving On - What NOT to say to someone who is grieving.  My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir.

Grieving, Part Two: Being Selfish For a While - But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me.

Trying To Expose The Partner To Kink - Do you have any tips that I could use to tell him what I’m into, without him thinking I’m a freak? (I know that if a man is dismissive to my kinks then he’s probably not a good choice for me, but he’s so dreamy…

Connection With Your Submissive - Intimacy isn’t just the cuddly feelings one sees on an after school special. Intimacy is a matter of connecting with another person while getting them to lower their barriers.

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s - I’m talking about relationships that involve a full-time power hierarchy, in which the two (or more) people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic.

Finding Your Dominant - How do you find someone, either dominant or submissive with whom to explore the possibilities, without jeopardizing your safety or discretion?

How To Find A Partner - Searching helps to refine one's concept of one's objective. That means that the more you look, the better you will know for what you are looking.

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner - Putting pressure on your partner is the quickest way to scare them off, and that is the last thing you would want to do. Be patient.

Ten Habits of Happy Couples - After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy.

Ten Top Communication Mistakes - If you don’t ask for exactly what you want, then you can’t ever expect to get it. Let them know that you want something specific to change or to happen so they aren’t just guessing.

Ten Types of Emotional Manipulators- One-Upmanship Expert – This person uses put downs, snide remarks and criticisms, to show that they’re superior, and know much more than you.

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget - When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you.

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You” - Show it with tenderness in the shower together
Write it in a note they will find while they are at work
Say it while you are drunk (Loud and proud)

How To Survive A Breakup In A BDSM Relationship - People who have survived similar losses can provide support and guidance - and are proof that you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of hugs.

The Heartache of a Breakup: Recovering from a BDSM Relationship Ending - The breakup of a relationship is a difficult time for those involved. It makes it even more painful when the lines of trust are cemented like those in a D/s relationship.

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways - Whether you like to roleplay, or if you spoil them with sweets and spank them when they’re bad, BDSM and D/s is just as healthy a relationship for some as a “vanilla relationship” is for some people.

Factors That Make A Relationship - While no two relationships are the same, they share some common factors that come together to help form a winning combination.

Stop Arguments Before They Start - It’s good to argue from time to time, and it’s not realistic to agree on everything. But many of our arguments can be nipped in the bud if we employ some communication techniques.

The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship - Even though this is a D/s relationship, the needs and input of a sub are as important to the success as the Dom’s. If there is disappointment then determine if you can redefine some things.

How To Be Present In Your Relationships - Being a distracted partner can be detrimental to your relationship if you’re too focused on either the past or the future instead of the current moment.

Ending a Dom/sub Relationship in a Healthy Way - Because the relationship is based on one person trying to please another, a breakup can seem as though the slave hasn't done a good job. Breakups come from two people growing apart.

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level - This might mean that you’re ready to be exclusive, you want a more serious commitment, you want to move in together, and so on. How do you go about doing it & how do you know if it’s right?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships - The success of our relationships and our happiness in our relationships is largely impacted on our attitudes about them.

Types Of Relationship Insecurity - From time to time every one of us feels insecure in our lives and in our relationships. Insecurity can manifest itself in many different forms.

Finding Love When You Least Expect It - People love to tell single people, “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it”. While this can grate on your nerves, it’s actually true for many of us.

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests - Of necessity the kink communities and their participants tend to keep a low profile. But they are out there, and are far more numerous and active than you might imagine.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship - You should look for a partner who has great qualities, who shares most of your values, and is trustworthy and kind.

The Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship - 4. Having a relationship that is built on trust, 5. Having, and demonstrating, genuine respect for one another, 6. Sharing common values

What Is Real Love? - I believe that deep down each one of us knows what real love is but, despite that knowledge, along the way we get extremely confused.

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship - If you aren’t feeling fully satisfied in your relationship there’s a lot you can do to ensure that you’re getting what you want and need from your partner.

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One” - What’s the difference between someone you really like, and your soul mate?

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore - Everyone has their own theories on what works and what doesn’t. It’s hard to know what to listen to. For every good piece of advice out there, there is bad advice too.

Searching for a D/s partner? - How does one find a suitable partner? Here are some pointers, do’s and don’ts, warning signs and general help, advice and information on how one can accomplish this.

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better - Nothing is more important than being able to put your full trust in your partner, and it is such a beautiful thing when you can.

Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones?

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Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
thedominantprompts:

No.

The quality of love never changes regardless of whether one is in a D/s or vanilla relationship. Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

It was probably well over a decade ago that I heard these words, but they hit me with such force and rang so true that they have been burned into my mind ever since:

“Love can’t wait to give; lust can’t wait to get.”

I have constantly used this phrase as a gauge of my intentions ever since I heard them. They have never led me wrong, and they have prevented me from lying to myself many a time. And at its core, it remains the best explanation of love I have ever heard. Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get. By this standard of love, there is no difference between D/s and vanilla.

There are many other measures of love, of course. The famous verse from 1st Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind.” But do you know the rest of it as well? "It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.“ No difference there either.

I could go on with this forever so I’ll stop there, since you get the idea. The quality of love, that which endures, is no different in a D/s relationship as it is in a vanilla one.

That is not to say that a D/s relationship is no different from a vanilla one. I’ve written many times on my thoughts why this is not the case; the most recent example being my thoughts on an old DwP post:

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missharpersworld:

((I saved these pearls of wisdom before DwP took down his blog for those of us who still desperately need his wisdom))

DwP Says:

“The Problems Started After I Moved In”

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.

Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography.

Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it’s very easy to learn what these are—you know, inanities like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “the best tops started out as bottoms”—and then rattle them off like a parrot) you’ll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) “loving” dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It’s incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance.

It’s so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this “act,” they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such “dominants” begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they’ve never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.

Such a superdork, er—excuse me—superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.

Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.

To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant’s part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.

As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)—even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive—requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one’s submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship.

Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties—at first—with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It’s not a matter of being “submissive enough.”

It’s entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn’t born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master’s needs first. In fact, she’s taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience.

The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

The early “hell” years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life.

When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for “forcing” her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it’s awfully hard if you’ve had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But “getting back” at a resistant or upset submissive who’s wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power.

Your submissive learns that you can’t control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you’re really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child who is no more emotionally mature than she.

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.

There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. 

The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control

If you can’t control yourself—your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out—you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive’s actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. 

They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically—i.e., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness—when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubborness and Emotional Resilience

People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it.

A dominant must actually be dominant—must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive’s resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

Responsibility

Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant’s responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it’s much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it’s more like having a child.

You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do—or don’t do—are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. Y

ou have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You’re steering the ship. You’re the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don’t work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity

A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult’s body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It’s always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out.

Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn’t see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn’t working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn’t love him.

A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner’s emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn’t rocked by every little incident that life throws at him.

A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support—at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn’t work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn’t have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness

This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent—and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn’t trustworthy just because he says he is. 

He’s trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn’t deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge

It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing—knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive—to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don’t have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this.

They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone—even a submissive like myself—could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day’s practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are “training methods” or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth).

Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these players will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are.

Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there’s an art to it as well. It’s complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response.

Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They’re fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire

It’s a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas.

Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don’t really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it’s an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much funner and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant.

If they were, they’d accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they’d relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another’s life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. 

The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant’s responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one.

Polyamory, From the Inside

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You are dominant, and have a submissive partner. Is it an open relationship for one or both of you? Do you also seek out other submissives? If so, do you bring them home? And if yes to that as well, does your partner join in or witness? If either of those is the case, how do you address jealousy or insecurity issues? Are there benefits from non-exclusivity for either or both partners?

thegayboybible:

Thank you for the questions!

Question: Is it an open relationship for one or both of you?

Answer: Our relationship started our open only for me, but I encouraged him around the 1-year mark to go out and try to enjoy meeting and hooking up with men and we’ve been equally open ever since.

Commentary: Bredbeta has full autonomy in seeking other partners sexually and spending time with them as he wishes doing sexually as he wishes. The limitation is on seeking another romantic partner. I have no interest in being poly. It’s just not for me and as a result bredbeta has agreed to this restriction.

Question: Do you also seek out other submissives? If so, do you bring them home? And if yes to that as well, does your partner join in or witness?

Answer: I seek out other submissives for sex, companionship, and friendship. I would very, very much like to be the patriarch of a small leather family centered around myself wherein there may be at most three submissives who get along. I do bring submissives home to play. There are some rare times when Bredbeta joins me in play but since we like the opposite kinds of men and us being both firmly planted in our opposite ends of the power exchange spectrum, there are not many times where playing together makes sense. As for witnessing? He tried it just once and felt that if he wasn’t joining in he’d rather do something else.

Commentary: When I mention a leather family, I do not mean it in the sense of polyamory. I mean that I would have Bredbeta as my loyal lover and husband and that the other boys would be boys that I felt a close kinship with and shared a sexual connection too. Ideally, I’d like for us to all co-habitate both for the intimacy that provides and for the economic advantages in a very expensive city. Although ultimately, those boys would be free to leave should they need a Sir all to themselves or one they could share a love with.

Question: If either of those is the case, how do you address jealousy or insecurity issues?

Answer: I work hard on my jealousy to think about it and understand it so I can disarm it. Bredbeta is a logical person and reports that he does not feel jealousy as it regards to me.

Commentary: I deal with my jealousy when I’m experiencing because as hard as it is to cope with the emotion, it is also the best time to take stock of my feelings. I have written out trains of thought and color coded them afterwards based on the emotion the represent to try and get a handle on my jealousy. I’ve made improvements but I don’t have it under control yet. I can tolerate the jealousy and it’s not unbearable any more. It’s possible to do something else despite feeling jealous. For a while, I was bringing the need for reassurance to Bredbeta, but it’s become clear that is a burden upon him. So, at this point I’m largely asking for support from friends when I need it.

Question: Are there benefits from non-exclusivity for either or both partners?

Answer: We benefit from increased free time, variety in our weekly lives, more friendships, and new sex techniques we learn from other partners.

Commentary: We don’t have to depend on each other to satisfy our entire need for entertainment or conversation. It can be actually kind of nice if bb goes off for a brunch and I can stay home and play a game by myself when we might otherwise do something together. Conversely, bb feels MUCH less alone as he has more friends now than he has at any point in his life and many of them are exclusive to him. So, he can spend some time apart and when he does? He always comes home with fun stories from his time away and it’s something more to talk about and experience. I also really can’t say that it hurts that I get to be free to fuck whomever I like. That’s one of my favorite parts of being gay and I want to enjoy my youth as much as possible. I personally prefer to have the deepest relations with someone possible and sex adds to that sense of closeness and intimacy for me.

Can a boy or slave expect care and affection from his Dom?

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Sir, can a boy or slave expect care and affection from his Dom? What if there is a death in the family, or a sibling needs help, or a sub becomes ill? Will the Dom be more of a partner when things go wrong in life? Thank You, Sir.

Alexander Martin:

You would have to ask an individual dominant this question. All of this is specific to individuals. There is not much that can accurately be said of dominants as a group.

I think you SHOULD be able to expect this. A dominant cares for his boy and is supposed to protect him and keep him safe in and out of the dungeon. I think that some guys fall into a trap of thinking where they’re concerned subs won’t respect and adore them if they drop the dominance for a single moment (even if they need to).

Also, there’s a buddy I have who is a submissive. He really likes to be abused (hit, insulted, and degraded) and he has a kinky husband. However, his husband really loves and cares for this boy, and finds it hard to let go and be the nasty dominant he was when they met because he loves him. So instead, they opened up their relationship and now his boy finds guys who can treat him as he likes, and still comes home to get played with by his husband in other ways. So there may also be dominants that love their partners and want to be close but try not to get too close for fear of losing their ability to be consensually abusive during sex.

There are dominants you can expect considerate treatment from, and dominants you can’t. You’ll have to know what you want, and find a dominant who agrees with you on how a submissive should be treated. No matter how lonely you are, it’s just going to be a bunch of heartache in the end if you go into anything significant with the wrong dominant.

Jack Off First, THEN Negotiate!

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Master Chuck: The word ‘negotiation’ carries overtones of rational business sense, equals seeking a common goal and a general concern for the welfare of everyone concerned. It is not a word one might associate with an exchange between a prospective slave and potential Master.

In the BDSM community, the word ‘claim’ or ‘collar’ is often associated with the image of a naked man on his knees, head bowed, hands behind his back and a fully clothed man, towering above him in a position of authority. The dialog is usually one-sided with the Master dictating the terms and conditions by which the naked man will serve out his remaining days.

For those actually seeking a Master/slave relationship, I have one suggestion: jack off first, thennegotiate!

Fantasy is fun but reality (if it’s going to last longer than a one-time-thing) requires that the needs, wants and desires of both partners be recognized and fulfilled, at least to some extent.

It’s no secret that the “horniness factor” plays a huge factor in us, both psychologically and physiologically. High sexual arousal can sway the decisions we make and increase our threshold to erotic pain. What seemed like a hot idea prior to an orgasm very often seem less so following one.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, submissives do have a brain and they do not lose that brain when they commit to a Dom. No matter how good an actor, a committed slave will almost always loose his commitment and desire to serve if the original fulfillment and chemistry is no longer there. Dominant-submissive relationships can and do last a lifetime when those involved are living life and not attempting to live a script.

I’ve known slaves who have walked away from jobs, relationships and personal lives to follow their dream, only to have their dream turn into a nightmare. It happens when a potential-slave gives away what he needs to exist. It happens when a potential-Master collars a slave without adequately considering the responsibilities that come with ownership. It happens when the commitment to hold the relationship together is too weak and the ‘let’s-give-it-a-shot’ mentality is too strong.

Go after your dream! Search for the yin to your yang! And when you find each other, jack off and then negotiate. You will increase your chances of finding a truly great partner and a relationship that fulfills initially and long term.

You Aren’t Worthless And Your Safety Should Be A Priority

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neswpnw:

something i see frequently is someone who identifies as faggot / sub / beta calling themselves stupid or worthless (not the mainstream use of the word ‘faggot’ but that in the Alpha / faggot dynamic) or someone who calls themselves alpha demanding immediate submission and calling a faggot stupid or worthless.

being a faggot does not mean you are worthless or stupid.  you are far from it.

remember submission is your choice.  surrendering your desires is your choice.  choosing to give up control or give up your rights is the choice you get to make.  yes, once they are given up, strict obedience and surrender to Alpha pleasure is the expectation.  but that does not make you worthless or stupid.

your choice to submit has enormous tangible value because - among other things - without it your Alpha would not receive the pleasure you desperately want to give him.  and, without your choice, you would not have that  ‘at home’ experience that final surrender brings you.  if you are one who understands the true  Alpha / faggot dynamic, you know precisely what that means.   you understand it is much more than sexual dynamic. the sexual dynamic is just a physical expression.

it takes strength and courage to give up control.  that is the opposite of worthless. if someone insists your are actually worthless, turn and walk the opposite direction. remember, submission and surrender is a valuable choice.

recently, one of my college faggot pups asked for guidance when a local Alpha insisted he take a poz load from an unmedicated top with the goal of pozzing him. he was obviously nervous and did not want to do it but was unsure what to do because he did not want to be disrespectful. my anger when he told me made me shake because i want him safe. i told him absolutely not under any circumstances was he to do so unless that was his consented choice which even then i strongly advised against giving consent to.

hear this: a true Alpha, a wise one, will never put you in a position that compromises your safety.  instead they will lead you into loyalty through wisdom that ensures safe surrender.  they do not try to force you into blind compliance demanded just because some dude chooses to call himself “alpha”.  There is a difference between a real Alpha and one who uses the name alpha.

one final point.  if you are one who truly embraces the Alpha / faggot dynamic, be proud of it, even when those who don’t understand attack you. i get the messages attacking me too.  some people who may scream the loudest for tolerance in the mainstream culture will be the most intolerant of your consented choice in the Alpha / faggot dynamic.  embrace it anyway if it’s where you know you feel complete.  their intolerance and hatred says much more about them than it ever does about you.

remember faggots, surrender wisely to Alphas who will lead you to safe, firm, and consistent rule where your pleasure is their pleasure.

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alphacumdumpbreeder:

A very wise and thoughtful commentary that should be read and embraced by every Alpha and faggot.

As i keep repeating, a D/s relationship is a relationship first and foremost, built on mutual appreciation and caring. In fact, that is nothing less than the precondition for a genuine Alpha/fag relationship.

An “Alpha” who treats his partner as worthless is a fake, a bully, a heartless tyrant, but by definition never a true Alpha, who is a natural leader, which necessarily requires empathy. Avoid such persons, and most definitely do not enable them.

You Aren’t Worthless, And Your Safety Should Be A Priority

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neswpnw:

something i see frequently is someone who identifies as faggot / sub / beta calling themselves stupid or worthless (not the mainstream use of the word ‘faggot’ but that in the Alpha / faggot dynamic) or someone who calls themselves alpha demanding immediate submission and calling a faggot stupid or worthless.

being a faggot does not mean you are worthless or stupid.  you are far from it.

remember submission is your choice.  surrendering your desires is your choice.  choosing to give up control or give up your rights is the choice you get to make.  yes, once they are given up, strict obedience and surrender to Alpha pleasure is the expectation.  but that does not make you worthless or stupid.

your choice to submit has enormous tangible value because - among other things - without it your Alpha would not receive the pleasure you desperately want to give him.  and, without your choice, you would not have that  ‘at home’ experience that final surrender brings you.  if you are one who understands the true  Alpha / faggot dynamic, you know precisely what that means.   you understand it is much more than sexual dynamic. the sexual dynamic is just a physical expression.

it takes strength and courage to give up control.  that is the opposite of worthless. if someone insists your are actually worthless, turn and walk the opposite direction. remember, submission and surrender is a valuable choice.

recently, one of my college faggot pups asked for guidance when a local Alpha insisted he take a poz load from an unmedicated top with the goal of pozzing him. he was obviously nervous and did not want to do it but was unsure what to do because he did not want to be disrespectful. my anger when he told me made me shake because i want him safe. i told him absolutely not under any circumstances was he to do so unless that was his consented choice which even then i strongly advised against giving consent to.

hear this: a true Alpha, a wise one, will never put you in a position that compromises your safety.  instead they will lead you into loyalty through wisdom that ensures safe surrender.  they do not try to force you into blind compliance demanded just because some dude chooses to call himself “alpha”.  There is a difference between a real Alpha and one who uses the name alpha.

one final point.  if you are one who truly embraces the Alpha / faggot dynamic, be proud of it, even when those who don’t understand attack you. i get the messages attacking me too.  some people who may scream the loudest for tolerance in the mainstream culture will be the most intolerant of your consented choice in the Alpha / faggot dynamic.  embrace it anyway if it’s where you know you feel complete.  their intolerance and hatred says much more about them than it ever does about you.

remember faggots, surrender wisely to Alphas who will lead you to safe, firm, and consistent rule where your pleasure is their pleasure.

A very wise and thoughtful commentary that should be read and embraced by every Alpha and faggot.

As i keep repeating, a D/s relationship is a relationship first and foremost, built on mutual appreciation and caring. In fact, that is nothing less than the precondition for a genuine Alpha/fag relationship.

An “Alpha” who treats his partner as worthless is a fake, a bully, a heartless tyrant, but by definition never a true Alpha, who is a natural leader, which necessarily requires empathy. Avoid such persons, and most definitely do not enable them.

Why true SM enriches the slave in its life

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fearslave:

1.       It makes you special. There’s so many people keeping looking for the answer of who they are, and to define that you need your specialty. BDSM is such a special thing and the skills and experiences required is like those for an acrobat. It’s like hot spicy food that’s not for everybody, and it’s so extreme in most common eyes - isn’t it also a cool thing that not everyone can understand you? You’ll be unique in a world that does not quite get it.

2.       It brings extreme pleasure and happiness. BDSM is self-actualization that’s way beyond satisfaction of food, sex or achieving something in your life. Everything and every part of your body become a tool for pleasure. To get pleasure through pain, to get freedom through submission, to get happiness through abuse, are all the ultimate ways exist in this world and you don’t need to look further.

3.       It makes your life more meaningful. There are more responsibility and commitment in BDSM lifestyle so you have more to achieve besides common life things. As a slave, you’ll have a Master to submit to, to fulfill His needs, to make Him happy, to change to His likes, which all give you better purpose to live. Master becomes your flesh-and-blood god who can interact with you in human ways. A more meaningful life is a life of giving back. Your selfishness makes way for the opposite.

4.       It makes your life more exciting. BDSM is an adventure. People who finds it will get endless possibilities of excitement. Besides common life excitement, such as a bungee jump or a motorbike riding, you now get a whole new world to explore and never get bored. As for sex, it makes sex more creative and that’s much more than position changes. Be careful, it’s addictive although healthier than drugs.

5.       It makes you stronger. BDSM is a kind of extreme sports, save the fact that there’s play called “forced workout”. Each session is a great exercise to your body and soul. As a slave you’ll even still work out when fully tied up in a static position, and your will power gets stronger with each endurance of pain and abuse.

6.       It makes you healthier. If you life is full of pleasure and happiness, of course your health will be improved. Also, there’s scientific evidence to prove BDSM makes you more endorphin and other good stuff to help your health. A lot of life stress can also be released in BDSM sessions.

7.       It helps you avoid trivial things to waste your life. As a slave, you have your ultimate safety and security from Master, and there’s less to worry about. You can concentrate much more in BDSM and avoid wasting time on many trivial and meaningless things, such as what to wear or where to eat. Master decides a lot of, if not all, aspects of your life and you just leave them to Master’s hand with a peaceful mind. What’s left is only the focus to please Master and nothing more. As a slave i’m proud i’m living in it now.

8.       It gives you deeper affection than love and friendship. Affections in BDSM can be so strong that go beyond the love and friendship that common people experience. It’s something invaluable in life and cannot be found anywhere else, and a rare enrichment to life.

9.       It makes you explore and excel in multiple personalities and disciplines. You may become more successful in your career, as a respected professional or a boss with huge responsibility and power in society, because that’s the way to benefit Master more and make Him proud more, and you’ll also become so submissive and obedient in front of your Master as a well trained slave with all kinds of techniques to willingly please Him as if you were born like that. Even better, you become skillful to switch between multiple personalities and disciplines without any difficulty. To do something you like for a living is the best combination you can get. The endless imagination can be implemented in real life, and while enjoy all the happiness, you can also enjoy BDSM’s support to your life and benefit your Master, as a porn star, a toy maker, a book writer or anything else. No one would do better than someone who’s really passionate about his work.

10.   It makes your life truly “yours”. BDSM promotes honesty in a hard way, and requires you to be true to yourself and your deepest feeling. Maybe the session is called “play”, but for both parties involved, it’s real, no judgment from ordinary view, no hiding from anything. It makes you live your life in a frank and brave way, and what you do reflects your ultimate free will. As a slave, the appearing “no freedom” actually put its life back to its own decision, and it’s not anyone else to judge.

Submitting to a Master vs. Being “Treated Like Shit”

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mastershumanproperty:

Before slave was a slave, it imagined serving a Master to be very different than it ended up being.

it had always imagined being treated like shit. it had imagined horrible (but always consented to!) treatment. it expected abuse.

This is a bit of a tricky subject to discuss, because BDSM has a bit of a tendency to look like abuse as it is anyway. But in becoming Master’s slave, it cannot say it ever EVER feels like it is being treated like shit.

There are times when Master asks things that are hard for slave. There are times when Master asks slave to serve in ways that are unpleasant for it. There are times when Master asks for submission that is all about His pleasure or amusement, and slave’s opinion of the task isn’t really relevant. There are times where, if you watched slave serve, it’d look pretty close to all those rough, affectionless porn videos.

But slave’s expectations of slavery ended up not being met at all. it is never abused. it is never made to feel worthless. Even as it SAYS it feels worthless, or like a faggot…. that is all coming from headspace. That is all coming from the fact that, in reality, slave feels safe.

slave has been given safety and slave has been given freedom.

slave has fantasies of being humiliated and manhandled. Thrown around a bit. Master has given it a safe environment to explore in. slave can go deep and call itself worthless or imagine itself as various pieces of human furniture… because it is constantly being supported by a Master who is bolstering its sense of self-worth. it is being supported by a Master with a TON of respect for it, who holds a high opinion of it, and voices His belief in it, inside and outside of submissiveness, regularly.

Those moments where its service might look like abuse… where its service might look like slave being treated like shit… Those moments don’t have any chance of reaching slave or doing any damage to it. it is being so thoroughly protected by its Master. For every one act of extreme degradation, there are 5 of affirmation. Hell, even after being asked to go low, it is immediately picked right back up with thorough aftercare…

slave is in a bit of rough patch in life. it’s struggling, and currently has more worries than it has ever had before. But the thought that it is a worthless human being has never crossed its mind once. it is being protected from that feeling. slave’s not doing great in some aspects of its life. But it’s excelling in others. Some things might be bad, but its relationships are great. it has in slavery alone two VERY VERY powerful allies in Master and Sir. Their presence prevents it from even going too low in its day to day life.

This is probably one of the most difficult things to convey to an outsider. But even in the moments that might look the scariest… slave is much better than okay. slave is exploring things that could be unsafe to explore in a different environment… and it’s doing so alongside a man that has earned its trust in the deepest ways. it’s exploring the darker side of its desires with a Master that will prioritize its safety and seeing slave through in one piece above all else… even as His actions facilitate the scene.

So even though slave came into slavery misguided by images of hard use and abuse…. There is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in a long-term M/s relationship.

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pdxmaster:
When you start thinking about submission, it can feel like a big dark thing. Think that it will leave you a different person on the other side. You may even think you need to be kidnapped, or forced, or blackmailed, made to do these things. Or you want to do it once really deep and “get it out of your system”.

The truth is, if you find the right guy to submit to it will be a joy to go down that path with them. You might find freedom in submission and giving up (some, or lots of) control. You might feel more like yourself than you ever thought you could be. And, your heart might feel like bursting from finally feeling like one whole person. Yes, you’re different on the other side. But it’s still just you and what you’re becoming with him.

Connection With Your Submissive

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Alexander Martin:

There are a lot of different styles of domination which in turn means there are many different ways to establish intimacy with a submissive. Intimacy isn’t just the cuddly feelings one sees on an after school special. Intimacy is a matter of connecting with another person while getting them to lower their barriers.

Traditional love and relationships give you warm fuzzies. BDSM relationships can do that too, but with subspace and domspace in play it can also deepen those headspaces, spur creativity, and build the trust and experience to try more daring scenes.

In BDSM we expend energy differently from traditional love. We put intense energy into each other through, mental control, physical beatings, pushing boundaries, etc. This cycle can be as intense as you like, but it’s very obviously cyclical. It’s cyclical in that the dominant puts whatever type of energy into his submissive, the submissive receives and happily presents or pushes back for more. The positive reception of whatever actions the dominant takes is exciting and can stir more intense play. With greater mastery over our respective roles we can do short intensely passionate play, or longer slow burning play as suits our whims. That variability and ability to meet our own mind and body needs in the moment is incredibly gratifying.

If the person you’re seeing is a candidate for a deeper connection, here’s a few ways to make that happen.

- Make time for intimacy: This one is primarily for those in some sort of BDSM relationship, but really any ongoing play partner can benefit from it. One of the easiest ways to build intimacy is trust exercises. When I first heard this I envisioned the very standard “fall into your partner’s arms” and gave the fellow alpha some side eye. But he pointed out that a submissive falling into the big strong arms of his Sir and not only being caught, but looking up into his eyes while feeling safe can really make for quite a connection (you can also spice it up by doing it nude). Just one trust exercise at the beginning of each session will lay some excellent ground work. You can also incorporate it into scenes for a moment here and there. But ultimately, whatever method you use to instill intimacy, make sure you do it often.

- Listen and ask questions: Do this at the beginning of interactions with someone who could be a play partner. Interest in them and their needs is sexy and creates comfort. Comfort is an ideal sensation for strengthening connections.

- Validate his experiences: I’ve spoken to guys and told them for example my challenges finding play partners as a dominant bear, and I’ve heard in response something like: “oh no, you just have to x, y, z.” Hearing someone counter my experience (even when they’re trying to help) makes anyone feel invalidated. What you want to do: “Man that’s really challenging, how do you cope?” for example. You want to acknowledge everyone faces challenges and empathize. Even if you think they’re wrong or could improve their approach, first thing you want to do is validate their experiences. That will engender trust. Trust is a really important component for connection with another person.

- Cycle intensity (and intimacy) on and off: An intense experience like a caning followed up by a hug and a water bottle when they need a break is a good example. It’s both unexpected, and the intensity of the experience can strengthen the feeling of connection between dominant and submissive. In a scene the way to keep intensity fresh is to cycle intensity up and down. Intimacy and connection works a bit differently. A play partner isn’t necessarily a romantic one, so instead of cycling the intensity of intimacy or connection up and down, cycle it on and off. Moments of consideration, altruism, and intimacy here and there to show someone they’re valued and important.

- Maintain lots of eye contact: The intent here is to show you’re focused on the person you’re with and that they have your attention. As a dominant eye contact is generally a very good idea. A strong and intense gaze can set submissive boypussy ablaze. For a submissive, well it depends on your dominant a bit. Some men will take it as a challenge which can be exciting, but if they don’t maintain as much of it as you can. You do want to focus on your dominant after all.

- Know your partner: The most important part of connection and intimacy is knowing what’s important to your partner. Some men don’t want ANY intimacy because they fear it will simply lead to a relationship or they just aren’t interested. Other men will crave it. You have to be intelligent about the application of intimacy and forming connections based on what you know of a person and gauge whether it’s appropriate and how is acceptable to apply intimacy. Ironically knowing someone well is probably the most important way to build connection. Anticipating someone’s wants or needs is usually the best way to go.

Types of Relationships

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Alexander Martin:

A submissive recently was asking some questions about how my relationship with @bredbeta​ worked. I am not interested in being an entirely public figure but I can go into what I feel some basics of relationships are without discussing ours. There are MANY relationship types. I can’t cover them all, I’m sure I don’t even know them all. I do not intend to exclude anyone or reduce their experience, but I do want to cover variants on sexual relationships since that is where my blog’s content centers. So find below some definitions, tips, and advice I’d gotten from other couples I found useful (as well as from personal experience). If this works for you, great! If not, then feel free to ignore it.

Relationship models

- Romantically and Sexually Monogamous: I think we’re all familiar with this type. For a variety of reasons this relationship is the one that society tends to prefer. Many people fake this model of relationship while engaging privately in others. That’s their business. For this relationship, romantic or sexual activity with another person usually constitutes cheating.

- Romantically Monogamous Sexually Non-Monogamous: This is becoming more common in the gay community. In this model one or both partners is free to fuck other people without worrying it is a threat to the relationship (ideally both sides feel this way). This model has a good degree of flexibility. Both sides may not really limit each other in terms of who they play with or when. Both sides may agree with very specific rules (you can fuck someone but no kissing that’s just for us). In this model, what constitutes cheating is usually (and should be) discussed and worked out in advance and varies from person to person.

- Romantically Non-Monogamous Sexually Monogamous: This model is one I have not encountered in the wild. My understanding is that some poly couples might want to explore romantic feelings with other partners but maintain an intimate sexual connection with their primary partner (to be explained below). Dating would likely not be considered cheating in this model, but sexual activity of any kind would be considered cheating.

- Romantically and Sexually Non-Monogamous: This model is more commonly referred to as “poly” or “polyamorous”. This model of relationship is extremely varied. So much so it is difficult to truly define it down and still do it any justice. If this sounds like an interesting proposition I strongly recommend you find any number of poly resources who can do a far better job than I at making suggestions and introducing you to the subject. That said here’s my best crack at it. Generally, two people engage in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other. They then define how they want that relationship to work by talking it out. Those two people become each other’s “Primary” the primary is their first concern when it comes to meeting romantic and/or sexual needs. From there they date other people and fuck other people as they have time and may engage that new person in a relationship as well. From there the primary may get to know the secondary and outcomes vary from there. Cheating does exist in this model but what constitutes cheating is up to individuals in the relationship.

Cheating

- What is cheating?: Cheating is when one partner engages in an action that breaks a rule about conduct that causes emotional pain to their romantic partner. Cheating is a tricky subject because it may not always be known in advance that a course of action constitutes cheating. By default, I assume nothing. I bring everything up with my partner. Feels silly sometimes, but better to ask permission than forgiveness.

- How to avoid being a cheater: I am a proponent of Dan Savage’s model. Honesty. Know yourself and be honest about what you need. Then have a conversation with your partner and if you think something needs to be discussed bring it up. Talk it out. Recognize that you may not get 100% of what you want from someone else and that might be the price of admission into the relationship. So it’s important to know the difference between wants and needs. Then once you agree on something STICK TO IT. If you need to revisit the model of your relationship and adjust something, bring it up and talk it out. Always assume that if an action is not discussed it is off limits and bring it up before performing the action.

- He cheated on me. Now what?: Well that depends on the severity of the fuck up. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it makes you question your trust in that person and often, their ability to make good decisions. Cheating is not always cause for a break up. Talk the situation out with them. No one ever thinks they’re the bad guy so try not to assume they’re doing it just to hurt you. Couples are on the same team… if you ever aren’t on the same team… if your partner becomes your adversary. It is the beginning of the end.

Setting up a relationship

- Discussion: Sit down with your partner and discuss how you would like things to work. Be a bit flexible. Know your wants and know your needs. Be honest with each other. Talk about everything and if you have a concern from something that went wrong in a previous relationship, let them know what happened and why it bothered you.

- Write it all out: Each of you should have a copy of what you write out after discussing. Update it if necessary. Writing everything down is simply because memory is fallible. It will head off an argument later by writing it down now. Be as specific as you both feel you need to be. Once you both have something you’re happy with. Agree that the document reflects the person you are at that moment and that your respective needs and understanding may evolve as you evolve over time.

- Check in: Check in is a regular time you set aside with your partner to discuss your relationship. If there’s something that has been bothering you, you can bring it up during a check in. If something good happened or they did something well, bring that up too! If you have questions or need clarifications on things you agreed to, bring those up. Make check in a normal part of the relationship. Set aside the time together regularly. Make sure that you do check in, in a comfortable setting but try to avoid intimacy and set aside roles. Do not let minor issues fester, bring them up and see if a resolution can be reached. Have a solution in mind so you’re not simply thrusting the problem onto your partner without any idea what to do to fix it.

Maintaining a relationship

- Do what works: This is my number one rule. So long as it works for both partners, DO WHAT WORKS. For example. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of a non-monogamous relationship if that’s what it takes to keep both partners happy and engaged. Conversely, if something isn’t working any more, take some time, figure out why something isn’t working, have an idea for a solution, and discuss it. Easy example. I had a relationship with a guy and when we started out I wanted to be sexually non-monogamous and he wanted monogamy. We discussed it and he admitted he was afraid that so early in the relationship that if I started fucking another guy might lead to me losing interest in him and leaving. I acknowledged his concern. I reaffirmed that I was interested in him and asked if he would feel more comfortable opening up the relationship later on when he was more secure that I was not going anywhere. He agreed.

Ending a relationship

- Spend some time apart: I’ve found this to be the number one way to get over someone after a break up. I don’t see them, I don’t spend time with them, and I don’t talk to them. I take the time to decompress and form my own identity once again. I go from “we” to “me”. How long this takes varies based on the person, the relationship, the nature of the break up. Just be generous, get some time alone and you’ll recover.

- Can we be friends?: You did have some points in common with this person, or you would not have dated them in the first place so sometimes a friendship can be maintained after breaking up. Sometimes it’s just too hard to maintain the friendship or things keep slipping back into old patterns. If you cannot manage it, be honest about it. Explain and be as assertive as you need to be to get to a place you feel comfortable in.

- You can’t stop someone from leaving: This was the single greatest piece of advice I ever got (and it came from a total asshole). You cannot stop someone from leaving if they REALLY want to leave. All you can ever do is be a person that they want to stay with. Do that, and even if they leave… someone better will take their place. Good luck.

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Dear Sir Your insight and knowledge of the BSDM lifestyle is right on point . I totally agree with your responses. I only want to know is why should our lifestyle be restrained by society's rules on relationships. We should be able to live, love and have sex anyway we feel is right, as long as it is with a consenting adult partner. Thank you for your insights.

Here’s some additional thoughts:

My relationship with my boy is Sexually Non Monogamous, Romantically Monogamous. I’ve thought about how i would do in a variety of relationship models and even tried to imagine some configurations i hadn’t heard of before. One of the things i came to realize is that while there’s nothing wrong with trying new relationship models, it’s important that some things be considered.

Do both people feel connected?

Do both people feel romance if romance is a component?

People involved gave consent, was anyone reticent to do so? Why?

And the list goes on. But my point is that in considering new relationship types make sure that when you’re done, it feels like a relationship to you. So long as you’re very clear in defining what you have with another person don’t be afraid to pull some good practices from other models.

Trying To Expose The Partner To Kink

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Anonymous asked :

Hi Sir, After several years I finally got myself a date that I have an emotional connection with. We've been on a few dates but on this most recent one we slept with each other (fooling around, no actual penetration). It was an extremely hot situation and while he was able to finish, I was unable to (despite him being very determined to get me over the edge). I feel like my boot/glove kinks will help me finish if we do this again, I'm just not sure how to bring them up. I asked him about his kinks (I felt like if I knew his I wouldn’t feel so awkward talking about mine), but it doesn’t seem like he’s into anything non-vanilla. Do you have any tips that I could use to tell him what I’m into without him thinking I’m a freak? (I know that if a man is dismissive to my kinks then he’s probably not a good choice for me, but he’s so dreamy and I’ve been searching a long time for someone like him XD )”

Alexander Martin:

Thanks for the question (and the patience with me getting back to you)! Ok, I hear you that you’ve considered that he might not be a perfect fit and you want to give him a try despite that. That’s fair! I’ve done the same.

Statement: I was unable to [cum] (despite him being very determined to get me over the edge). I feel like my boot/glove kinks will help me finish if we do this again

Comment: Tops actually have this problem a fair bit although they are loathe to discuss it, both due to ego and due to a small stigma around it from bottoms. Did you know that some birds deposit sperm sacs in their partners within seconds only to fly away afterwards? There are a number of animals who out of necessity have evolved to have very short sexual intercourse. Humans? We’re not one of those species. I know that gay culture idolizes the stud who is always hard and ready to cum on a moment’s notice but that really doesn’t last.

I’d really recommend slowing down sex and making sure as much as possible to take pressure to cum for either of you out of the equation. Putting pressure on yourself is one of the surest ways to either massively delay or prevent ejaculation. To relieve pressure, make sure you don’t have any time commitments that day, make sure he knows that there shouldn’t be any pressure on you to cum, and lastly (if you’re a tense person) consider a little weed or light inebriation to help you unwind and relax. Once all that is out of the way, make sure that you’re teaching him how to touch you in the ways you most enjoy (he needs to know as your bf anyways). Take your time, I’d even recommend edging a bit if you can manage it. I’d also advise rounding all that out with an explicit understanding that if you DON’T cum it’s not an indicator that you didn’t have a good time. You might not cum that time, but you will be more likely to cum with him in the future once the pressure goes down.

Question: Do you have any tips that I could use to tell him what I’m into without him thinking I’m a freak?

Answer: You can write him an email. Be careful with your wording. Be sure to phrase the kink as a good thing he gets to indulge in. Along those lines, be sure to tell him what’s so hot about what you want him to do. The best way to entice a person to a new kink is to expose them to someone who LOVES the kink (that’s you) so they can see not only the effect but the sincerity you have in loving it.

Support: As for thinking you’re a freak? I hope that ends up being your mind telling you mean things and he doesn’t react like that. If he does act or react like that then there is likely nothing you could have done to present it. All my advice above is assuming he’s at least neutral or doesn’t know what to think. If he’s opposed then there’s nothing you could have ever done to convince him to give it a chance. Not to scare you, but when it comes to kink… Only some people are into it. We’re likely born that way. There are vanilla folks out there who’ve never tried it and never will. Seems odd to me personally but I’ve met them. Regardless, the only way for him to get into something is to be exposed to it. Also, not to judge at all, but the boot/glove fetish seems like a low bar to get over. Putting on boots and gloves just to get you worked up a bit for the main event seems pretty easy.

But hey, I’m happy for you. I wish you the best of luck on this. I hope it goes the way you’d like it to. Let me know how it turns out.

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet

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nachtsoul said: Definitions of terms in BDSM appear to vary widely. I am curious as to where you define ‘slave’ and what inner change in you made you go from non-owning to owning… and just what owning means to you. I have two boys of my own and a prospective third. In thinking on our relationships and their evolution, it leads me to curiosity about what it would mean to evolve Sir/boy to Master/slave, not that I think any of them is of a mind to go there. But I wonder anyway.

Papa Tony:

I am in no mood to make apocalyptic, all-encompassing and definitive declarations about what is right and proper. I make no pretense of being anything but what I am.

By being metaphorically naked before everyone (you see that I don’t hide very much), my goal is to be a role-model for others in similar circumstances.

Like you, good brother.

I Was Trained By My First Slave

You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was wary of taking him on in that way. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

I found that I LIKED what the slave proposed. We started a process of making new agreements that continues to this day.

I will refer only to my first slave in the remainder of this article. I will brag about the OTHER slave in future writings.

The Slave Wanted Chastity

He already owned three cock-cages. I had had no experience with this.

Or, so I thought.

As it happily turned out, I have been into orgasm-control for my entire adult life. In my youth forty years ago, I used to delight in attending huge, blue-ribbon Championship-Round fuck-parties. I was famous for going from sling to sling, and FORCING ecstatic, full-body orgasms on anybody who wanted one. I used techniques that I have shared here and here.

I liked taking the choice of timing away from them. They liked to think that they knew what they were only possibly capable of? I would show them several steps beyond what they could imagine. It’s my ferociously-kinky desire to blow the top of their head off with pleasure.

I have had dozens of men chastise me over the years, saying “After you, I haven’t found anybody nearly as good, damn it!” That’s why I happily reveal what I know. I want everybody else to succeed.

Yes, I am bragging, but then…. It’s not bragging if it’s true.

In any case, I took to chastity-play with natural enthusiasm. It really rocks my boat! We are “cumming-up” on our ninth anniversary together. He hasn’t had an unauthorized orgasm in most of those years, and he doesn’t want another one, for the rest of his life. He now cums hands-free, nearly every time.

Nowadays, I like to make it harder and harder for him to cum. Countdown timers are nice - If he doesn’t cum by the time the timer goes off, then he’s back on chastity for another week.

Then, when he succeeds, I make the time SHORTER, next time. Very sadistic. I never promised the slave that his training would be easy.
The Slave Wants To Be Fully-Owned

We do not live together. He has a long-time, vanilla husband, as do I. So, the lovely 24/7 live-in submissive slave thing is a great fantasy, hut not practical for us.

So, we see each other a minimum of once a week, but usually several times a week. This is a good description of what usually ensues. Show it to your subs - It may appeal to them on some levels.

He has told me hundreds of times that I own every part of his body, his soul, and his orgasms. They all belong to me. I take that responsibility very seriously and pleasurably.

What I DON’T mention enough in that article is the service aspect. I have taken many joyous, gloating photos of the slave cleaning my home, while naked, collared, butt-plugged and cock-caged.

 

He also opens doors for me, bathes me (and washes carefully between my toes, (to head off athlete’s foot). He takes care of my leathers. He gives sensational foot-rubs.

The slave shaves my head and face, and makes all travel itinerary plans. He handles details that I might otherwise miss. He happily covers every aspect of serving my rather unique needs.

I am a Master who lives in a nearly-constant state of exalted deep thought (I call it “Big Brain Mode”). It can be exhausting. I need the focused services of submissives in order to function well.

Yeah, the slave is taking care of ME, but after he has completed his tasks, I rock his WORLD. Every orgasm that I allow him is a 10 out of 10. No exceptions.

He Rejoices In My Kinky Pleasures

He is not even remotely a Pain Pig. In fact, he would be perfectly happy if he never had any pain for the rest of his life.

If he didn’t know me.

Instead, he grooves on the happy, happy noises I make when I have him strapped down and vulnerable. I throw my most extreme toys and techniques at him, and he is gratified, every time. After all of these years, I can still surprise and stimulate him. He gives me constant feedback with his words, his fantasies and his behavior, which helps me to up my game.

His pleasure comes from knowing that service to me includes satisfying my sadistic nature. I can allow the Beast within me to walk the streets, and still know that I am a good man, because he is so grateful afterward.

If I go for a long period of time without going all Neanderthal on him, he will start dropping heavy hints in order to fire-up the boilers. I do get stuck in my head sometimes.
He Like To Be An Object

Being hooded makes the slave VERY happy. He likes to hand all of his power away to his trusted Sir. This started out as my idea, and he just went bonkers with pleasure.

I loan him out to other Sirs for kinky play, in my presence. They eagerly ask for my permission to play with him, because he is maximally exciting and pleasurable. I’ve never met a sub who could do what he does, in terms of pure, stimulating feedback.

Any Sir who plays with him turns into a flame-snorting lustmonster, and who makes a beeline for us at every play-event, afterward. I have been doing this for years, and have never had reason to regret it. The Sirs who know us also know that I am vigilantly protective of my fully-owned property.

I do not loan him out for sex. That is reserved for the two of us, by mutual agreement.
Here Is A Good Story, To Illustrate


I like to take the slave to international kinky events, like IML, Folsom Street Fair and the like.

I will hood and shackle him, and walk him through the crowd, guiding him with a hand on the back of the neck, and a few words: “Stop. Step up on the curb.” I like to eventually “park” him in a public place. I jam three fingertips into his chest, which is our mutually-understood protocol meaning “Stay Here.”

Then, I walk away.

I am well-known, so while I am standing thirty feet away in the crowd, dozens of folks will come up for a hug and a blessing. I will visit with them, and then say “Do me a favor - the slave is over there - Use him as if he belonged to you.”

I can do this because I KNOW what will happen. The folks that I send over would never, ever disrespect me by abusing my property. They make a few mild gestures at teasing and torturing him, along with some dirty talk, and that’s it. This pleases and excites me, and the slave glories in his submission.

I Honor The Slave’s Deep Devotion

I am courteous with the slave. His desires DEFINE him, so I would never dismiss or ignore them. He is 100% present with me in his slavery, so I return the slave’s respect and devotion with my own, entirely-honest feedback. I use these phrases, and many others, but only if they are my truth.

The more that the slave submits, the more that I dominate. He gives me feedback, so that we grow together. His hunger to serve, please and sustain my needs are vitamins for my soul, so I never miss a chance to SAY so.

I assert that my natural kindness, courtesy and sweetness only add to my value as a Sir, a Dom, and a ferocious, slave-Owning Master.
Why Listen To Only One Viewpoint?

Let’s let the slave explain, in his own words. These recordings were made after a couple of intense play-scenes, while cuddling in bed during aftercare:

Audio Clip 1

Audio Clip 2

The Secret About Domination/submission is...

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dontcallmemistress:

mscogsworthy:

There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.

At least, there’s no secret that you don’t already know.

D/s is a relationship. That’s it. It’s a relationship, just like dating, just like living together, just like marriage. And the secret to managing relationships?

99% of the time, the key to managing a relationship is communication. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Tell your partner what you want, what you don’t want, what feels good and for God’s sake what doesn’t feel good.

I browse a lot of the BDSM advice blogs & groups, and I swear to God, almost every question could be answered with TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

(The other 1% can be answered with LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS, but that’s another post entirely.)

There is very little in any healthy D/s relationship that can’t be handled with the application of a little patience and a lot of communication. And seriously, if you’re finding that the communication isn’t working, there are counselors and therapists out there who specialize in “non-traditional” relationships. Therapy is probably one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, and as a tool for the maintenance of self and relationships, there’s not much else I’d recommend more highly.

So yeah. That’s it. There’s the Big Secret everyone always wants to know.




Papa Tony:

Quoting myself:

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever. Kindness and Generosity. Science has proven this beyond all doubt. Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun. One does not preclude the other.