Command! Don’t Ask!

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neswpnw:

Dominants: While learning to assert yourself with your sub, you will need to overcome years of socialization that teaches you to speak politely under all circumstances, and avoid being too transparently assertive. But in the special case of communication with a sub with whom you have already established trust, that will just confuse roles and expectations.

DON’T USE ambiguous language with question marks or pleas: “Will you clean up the kitchen?”; “Can you do the laundry?”
AVOID polite language: “Please wash the dishes”
USE SPARINGLY: “When you have time wash the dishes”
DO USE: “Clean up the kitchen”; “Do the laundry”; “Shop for groceries”; “Scrub the bathroom floor now”
You do not mean to imply that compliance is optional (as in 1). Nor do you want to imply that you are on an equal plane. “Please” is short for “If it please you,” which is most definitely not what you mean (as in 2).

Category 3 is more of a direct order, but allows flexibility where required.

Category 4 makes it clear you are in full command and expect nothing less than full obedience.

slovenealpha:

Some additional things to keep in mind. First, a Dom should never shout or show anger. It doesn’t make your statements any stronger and it shows you are not really in control or you are losing it. A struggle for power isn’t fitting for a Dominant.

Second, I would like to add two categories, that have a special charm on subs who are naturals at serving their superiors.

5. SOMETIMES USE: “I don’t like how messy the kitchen is.”
6. OR MAYBE: “The laundry needs to be done.”

Category 5 is a simple expression of opinion, but because you are the Man in the house it gets more attention. Subs who have already got to know and trust you will be able to pick up on this and make sure you are most pleased with them.

Category 6 is more passive and, of course, should be used on those you have more control over. But it’s clear who will do it between you two, so the subject can be left out of the sentence.

The categories I added aren’t as explicit, but a lot of times a simple suggestion has a much greater effect then a concrete command. Orders show who’s in charge, but suggestions subtly transform the authority into practice.

neswpnw:

Leave it to a young and very gifted budding Dominant to greatly enhance my draft above! I agree completely with everything @slovenealpha has added. It’s spot-on.

Effective Rule Making

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Alexander Martin:

“Boy, no matter where i place my dick, I expect you to ask permission before sucking it or fucking it. Beg me.”- Alexander Martin. I find rules incredibly hot. Being able to mold someone else’s behavior as I see fit to my own benefit is a big turn on. Below I’ll explore how to construct useful rules and the mindset to have while thinking them through.

- Lots of rules: Rules should help you craft the right headspace for your submissive. If you want him to feel like he’s in a highly disciplined environment you can certainly do that by creating a lot of rules. That requires you to create a lot of rules and remember them to enforce them. It also doesn’t allow for a submissive to enter subspace and just exist as a submissive because he needs to remain cognizant of rules. I, instead, advocate the use of fewer rules that are far stricter. For example: “Slave, before you may have food or drink, or make use of the facilities, you must first offer them to use at my leisure.” or “You must only wear clothing in public I approve.”

- Rules should have a purpose: This one sounds straightforward but you’d be surprised how easily making a rule purely for your amusement can be. Sometimes dominants can make up rules that are contradictory for the purpose of having an excuse to punish submissives. Submissives are logical people like anyone else and will know when you’re making shit up just to punishment. In this circumstance, it could simply be more productive to set aside time for punishment instead of waiting for your submissive to stumble into your clever pit trap. A submissive might fall for that once or twice, but thereafter probably wouldn’t once he recognizes the pitfall.

This brings us to the other side of that very coin. That submissives and dominants can absolutely get off on experiencing an enjoyment of pain through the lens of punishment. A submissive may feel a rush in being punished because he behaved badly and his Sir is correcting his naughty behavior. A dominant may enjoy the cat and mouse nature of a mischievous submissive that misbehaves and is caught who he gets to punish as he sees fit. From this perspective a rule is enhancing the enjoyment of dominant and submissive, bringing an erotic thrill to protocol.

- Rules must consider the submissive: I touched on this in the article I did about punishments. @bredbeta​ is a very obedient boy. He HATES to think he has displeased me in some way. My disappointment is for him a VERY severe punishment. If I were to actually punish him on top of that… he would be CRUSHED. I have a very different punishment and behavior corrective protocol for him than I would have for a boy who enjoys punishment (as described above). I do this because I know my boy. I consider who he is, and how I know him before punishing him at all. It is not unreasonable as a relationship is progressing to have a discussion about what punishments are acceptable. It is true, it certainly does impede on the fantasy made reality a bit to get submissive approved punishments, but would you rather punish someone as you see fit and potentially have him leave you and never come back or would you rather retain that submissive? You could be someone’s story or worse yet, someone’s bad experience he flashes back to when trying to trust other dominants. Take the time, have the conversation. Listen.

- Rules should be based on what’s realistically possible: This is the difference between having a submissive in chastity and codifying a rule that he must submit a photo of his locked cock once every 5 minutes to your phone via text message, and a photo once a week every week when he’s away from town. I am a big advocate that in being honest about who we are as dominants and submissives alike that we can indeed create relationships that account for our flaws. For example issues around cheating (as discussed in the relationships article). I would even go so far as to suggest that rules when initially created be acknowledged as transitional until you can try them out and see how they fit for both parties, then tweaked when and where necessary. As dominants we are responsible for our submissives and their wellbeing. That is a power we must all endeavor to take seriously.

What is “training”?

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Alexander Martin:

I get a lot of messages from guys asking me to train them. Based on their requests, I feel that there’s some confusion about what training is and what it does for a boy. So I’m going to briefly discuss what training is and is not.

If you are a dominant and you are being trained. It means that you are learning skills. Those might be, how to work the mind of a boy, how to tie knots, how to do suspension safely, how to safely do electro, etc. When a dominant is trained it is how to hurt or not hurt people safely.

If you are a submissive and you are being “trained” you are most likely serving a dominant and learning how to service him to his liking in whatever capacity you have agreed to serve. Submissives do not need to know the same kind of technical skills as a dominant does. So training is therefore more about the experience of serving a dominant and doing so to please him.

To walk up to a dominant and say “I want you to train me.” Is effectively to say, I want to submit to you. As a result, if you want a dominant to spend time, energy, and effort on the experience you will have with him it’s important to know how you can give back to that person in exchange for their efforts. This is not to say Dominance and submission (D/s) is transactional, but rather that D/s is a relationship and a bond. And the best relationships have some level of reciprocity (whatever you both agree to) that satisfies both parties.

Since “training” is more of a matter of having the experience of submitting to a man after which you expect to feel more comfortable in your role or come to realizations or refinements of your technique. It is wise to approach this submission with a sense both of what you want to get out of it and what you are willing to provide in exchange. A relationship in which one side gives and the other takes without giving back will end quickly.

Being trained is about being submissive to that particular man and getting to experience your submission through service to him. It is also about growing that bond with that dominant. This is not to say that the bond is necessarily romantic, for many men it is sexual or even based in friendship. But since the bond and relationship to the Man you serve is what the training is about, training is an ongoing process. You receive feedback, get praised for what you do well, repeat, and attempt to do better and do so more skillfully.

You should come away from training with a sense of accomplishment over time, a sense of how you’ve grown or are growing. You will not receive a certification that “training is complete”. It does not become a title that you may adopt and show to new dominants. It is a state of being where you are now different from the submissive you were because you have grown during this service.

So, You Want To Be a Master

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Master Chuck:

For the majority of folks, BDSM (or Power Exchange) is all about fantasy and nothing more. The more intense, degrading, non-consensual the scene, the more erotic it becomes. Masters torture their slaves mercilessly and there are no injuries. Slaves are worthless faggots, void of feelings and without identities or lives outside the dungeon.

Fantasy is fun. Fantasy is erotic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasy BDSM - unless someone with real aspirations of collaring a slave gets fantasy and reality mixed up.

In the real world of power exchange, a Master earns the title and he is very much aware of the responsibilities he takes on when he assumes the dominant role. What works in fantasy does not necessarily work in reality. Beginning Doms, as well as beginning subs, need to know the difference because in the real world, people get hurt - physically, emotionally, psychologically - and “Sorry…” or “I didn’t know…” just don’t cut it.

Every Dom has an obligation to know his craft: knives cut and so can words, so know your intent before picking up any tool.

Not long ago, I invited an acquaintance to participate in a bondage session with my sub. He demonstrated good judgment, keeping an eye on circulation, pressure points, etc. As the session neared the end, my sub was secured to the bondage table, on his back and with a Fetters gag in place. I asked the Dom if he wanted a glass of water and he followed me into the kitchen.

He began to engage in a conversation that was interesting and had the potential of lasting awhile. When I interrupted him and suggested we needed to return to my sub, he said, “But you said you left him tied up for long periods of time…: I responded, “I do but never unsupervised. I’m alwayswithin hearing range."

When we returned, I could sense my sub was becoming agitated. The gag was becoming an issue. The situation was quickly resolved but sharing the experience here illustrates how quickly a scene can go wrong with potentially devastating consequences.

Always err on the side of caution. All the best Doms do!

Domspace, Compared To Subspace

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UPDATE:  Here is an excellent article about catharsis.

Question  I'd be curious to hear your perspective of domspace as compared with subspace.

aphyr:

As it turns out I had my most intense dom experience recently, and this has been on my mind a lot.

We talked about the scene a few times. A couple days before, I told him how much I’d enjoyed a brief flogging with him previously, and mentioned that I’d like to repeat that experience but deeper. The night of the scene we talked, over dinner, about what each of us would like to get out of it–I wanted to share the endorphin high with him, the experience of subspace, and the sense of vulnerability and trust. He wanted to be let go and be hurt, to be pushed further than he wanted to go himself–and he trusted me to guide him through that.

To have someone extend that trust to me is both exhilarating and humbling, particularly because I dom so rarely. I think that in many ways it’s more difficult to be the leading partner because the responsibility for safety–and fulfillment–falls on your shoulders. Both in an emotional and a physical sense.

Just before the scene we checked in again: I asked whether I could restrain him, whether I could gag him, and outlined the warmup and apex I had in mind. He asked whether he could pass on a safeword and I told him that for this scene it was mandatory, and we practiced verbal and nonverbal signals.

As I cuffed him, spread out for the flogging, I reminded him where he was likely to lose circulation and feeling, and showed how I’d check in on each hand to make sure he was OK. This was his first time fully restrained, and he was clearly nervous–I spent about ten minutes just reassuring him that he was going to be OK, telling him how proud I was of him, how good he looked in that position, and so on. Just caressing, squeezing, and kissing him, to get him eased into a place where he felt comfortable giving up control.

As we warmed up I introduced him to the flogger–across his face, across his back, letting him smell the leather, and continuing the same physical reassurance from before. When he was ready I started in with light strokes, then a gentle massage. We went at that for… maybe 20 minutes or so. A friend of mine is an excellent impact top, and I try to draw on his technique, his ritual, as it works so well on me.

At forty minutes we were going full throttle–aggressive strokes in varying patterns across his back, and he was moaning and whimpering and… things started to click for me. I *owned* him. I *protected* him. I’d expected him to abort much earlier, to call a stop, but he let me beat him harder and harder until I was swinging as hard as I could, and still he took more. Took more of me.

Our checkins became more and more aggressive–I’d draw my hands gently across his back still, and squeeze his hands, but as that sense of ownership grew I started to growl, to tell him what a good, obedient boy he was, how much he needed this. Fingers deep in his mouth, biting down hard at the nape of his neck, as he rolled his back moaning, just on the verge of panic. I choked him and forced a ball gag into his mouth–and that was enough to break him. His sobbing, his raw heart imploring me to stop, but asking for more… I don’t know how to describe the admixture of ferocity and compassion that rose from me in those moments.

I beat him as hard as I could, more and more amazed at his endurance and trust. I own him. I protect him. When he dropped from screaming to a limp, shuddering, silent hang, I came in again to check. His hands had just given out. In the space of a few seconds he’d gone from checking in to nonresponsive, and I knew that was his time. I’m not sure how many levels of resistance we’d broken through, but that was deeper than he needed to go.

And it’s… in the aftercare, really, that I felt most dominant. I ungagged him, reassured him, unbuckled the restraints as fast as I could, and held him up while he sagged limp in my arms, sobbing. Poor guy couldn’t even walk. I’d poured a glass of juice for him before we started, and had him drink a little to recover. Carried him to bed, and undid the restraints completely.

And then… I held him, for an hour and 45 minutes.

Kept him warm, kept him safe. Easy voice, calm strokes down his body. His eyes wild as I ordered him to breathe with me–count in, count out. And as he came out of that whimpering, inchoate subspace the most… small, plaintive questions came rushing out, and it broke my fucking heart. I was so worried I’d taken him further than he could go, that he was somehow broken forever, and promised him over and over that I would *never* strike him again, that he had been so tough, so brave, so giving of himself. I didn’t know how to make myself a big enough shield for him, but I held him, and told him everything he felt was OK, and little by little he surfaced again, and laughed, and shivered, and cried and held me more.

Like metalworking, the fire of a scene makes one’s psyche ductile, deformable, workable. Push the wrong way, and people can easily bend out of shape. But fold and hammer in the right places, and the soul becomes stronger. Your bond as partners becomes stronger. In the cooling process of aftercare I feel our annealing; him cleaving to my strength, my cladding wrapping around him. I feel past wounds come oozing to the surface, and hopefully, healing stronger.

That’s domspace for me. The utmost compassion and responsibility for another human being; to see them at their most unguarded, their most fragile, and reassure them that they have value; to accept whatever they feel, whether scary or ugly, and create a space for them to heal. To push them in the ways that they need to be pushed, but can’t see through on their own. To love them completely. To see yourself through their eyes as protector, as guide, as all-powerful and terrifying and merciful all at once; and to give all your physical and emotional reserves to bring them through that experience, and back home safe.

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foxbear:

YES.  THIS.  This is what it feels like for me.  This is how and why I do what it is that I do.

The intensity of control.  The pleasure of possession.  The sadistic thrill of the violent connection.  The shout, sweat, whimper and tears of it.  And when we reach that place, where the layers are stripped away, where the loose pieces have all flown off and the soft and quivering quick of a man’s soul is in my hand–there to be held, there to be healed, there to be reborn, reforged–THAT is my greatest satisfaction.  THAT is the connection that stays long after tears have dried and marks have faded.  THAT is life to me, as much as blood in my veins and breath in my chest.

SO.  MUCH.  THIS.

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Nachtsoul:

This was beautiful. The closest I cane to this is when my boy passed away a bit over a year ago. I withdrew into myself... but I asked my teacher to help me, and he singletailed me until I was finally able to start crying to begin releasing my grief.

Training, For a Boy

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Alexander Martin:

I get a lot of messages from guys asking me to train them. Based on their requests, I feel that there’s some confusion about what training is and what it does for a boy. So I’m going to briefly discuss what training is and is not.

If you are a dominant and you are being trained. It means that you are learning skills. Those might be, how to work the mind of a boy, how to tie knots, how to do suspension safely, how to safely do electro, etc. When a dominant is trained it is how to hurt or not hurt people safely.

If you are a submissive and you are being “trained” you are most likely serving a dominant and learning how to service him to his liking in whatever capacity you have agreed to serve. Submissives do not need to know the same kind of technical skills as a dominant does. So training is therefore more about the experience of serving a dominant and doing so to please him.

To walk up to a dominant and say “I want you to train me.” Is effectively to say, I want to submit to you. As a result, if you want a dominant to spend time, energy, and effort on the experience you will have with him it’s important to know how you can give back to that person in exchange for their efforts. This is not to say Dominance and submission (D/s) is transactional, but rather that D/s is a relationship and a bond. And the best relationships have some level of reciprocity (whatever you both agree to) that satisfies both parties. Since “training” is more of a matter of having the experience of submitting to a man after which you expect to feel more comfortable in your role or come to realizations or refinements of your technique. It is wise to approach this submission with a sense both of what you want to get out of it and what you are willing to provide in exchange. A relationship in which one side gives and the other takes without giving back will end quickly.

Being trained is about being submissive to that particular man and getting to experience your submission through service to him. It is also about growing that bond with that dominant. This is not to say that the bond is necessarily romantic, for many men it is sexual or even based in friendship. But since the bond and relationship to the Man you serve is what the training is about, training is an ongoing process. You receive feedback, get praised for what you do well, repeat, and attempt to do better and do so more skillfully.

You should come away from training with a sense of accomplishment over time, a sense of how you’ve grown or are growing. You will not receive a certification that “training is complete”. It does not become a title that you may adopt and show to new dominants. It is a state of being where you are now different from the submissive you were because you have grown during this service.

14 Ways to Make a Submissive Feel Exposed

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Alexander Martin:

Time for another writing project! I’m going to think for precisely 5 minutes about every way I can think of to make a submissive feel exposed. Starting with of course anything I myself have done. After I write out the bullet points, I’ll expand on each idea I came up with.

Some of this stuff is public play. Public play can be dangerous (thus the thrill) in the regard that you can get arrested for it. Try some of these at your own risk.

- Kick a boy out of my apartment without clothes: This one is obviously a bit dangerous for the sub. The first time I ever did it was with a submissive who begged me to. I took his clothes and put them in a duffle bag. He had me hide them in a stairwell in my building on a specific floor. Then I kicked him out of my apartment and let him run down 3 flights and get dressed in a very exposed place. He was an expert at this little game and managed to get dressed before being seen by people descending the stairs above him. He had quite the little thrill.

- Lock clothes away in my chest: This is one I do a lot for submissives who need a gentle attitude adjustment. I love doing this because I have them come in, fold up their clothes into a neat pile and then I pull them into my room and toss their clothes in and lock it in front of their face. The stunned expression is priceless and helps put any notions of an early escape out of their head.

- Wrap boy up like a burrito (tightly) in a blanket and tickle his feet: I secretly plan to do this to my boy. He’s seated over on my bed right now completely unaware of the awful fate that shall befall him. He’s very ticklish you know…

- Tie boy spread eagle to bed: Eh. It was all I could think of. Not dreadfully original or difficult, but it counts.

- Make boy wear underwear in the waistband of his pants and buy me a soda: This I have indeed done with two separate submissives. Also a bit dangerous so I tell them to use best judgment and bail if they’d get in trouble. So far no one has had to bail and I’ve gotten my soda.

- Use boy’s underwear as a napkin on a night out drinking: So you meet up with a submissive in a public non-kink space (like a straight piano bar) for a drink or two to chat first. You talk for 5-10 minutes and ask if he’d like to engage in a little light play while we’re just sitting here. He says “yeah”, so you ask him to go to the bathroom, remove his underwear, bring it back to you and place it in your hand… as a sign of submission. He agrees and returns to hand you the underwear. You take it and use it as a napkin for the evening and make sure to leave the underwear showing a bit. You can put it in your breast pocket, in your pants pocket, lay it over your knee, or just toss it on the table. Watch his body language, he’ll be fixated on his underwear all night and so helplessly horny… well… I’ve yet to meet a boy that didn’t want to come home with me after that stunt.

- Tied up boy in suspension and let him only balance on a few toes of a single foot: This one on the surface is not dreadfully creative. The trick to pulling off something like this is to blindfold the boy and say that you need to prep some other kink toys and what not for play and you forgot to do it earlier. Left to his own devices hanging there, waiting, and hearing little movements from you. His mind will race at the possibilities that await him. A little push or shove here and there is all it takes to remind him just how precarious his position is.

- Tie boy down and spank him till he tells you all his secrets: Works equally well with tickling if that is less pleasant for your boy. Who cares if he has indeed told you every secret? Only you get to decide when he’s “told you everything”.

- Record that but never release it: “Oh… does the red light mean it’s on? Gee what would you do to make sure no one ever sees that?”

- Have boy perform services naked for me while I’m on a balcony: This can get you arrested, so just be mindful of exposure up there. Ideally it will simply look like shirtless men to anyone down below or even horizontal to you, but there’s no way there will be anything in his mind other than his nudity at that moment.

- Stick your finger up his ass while you’re hanging out around the house: When I first met @bredbeta​I walked into his apartment and in the first 30 seconds there I stuck my fingers right up his ass. I did this because I had ordered him to pre-lube and wanted to check he did it. Taking that level of control over the situation had him cooing almost instantly. To this day I’ll occasionally finger his pussy while we’re just hanging out to remind him who owns him. :)

- Only let your boy engage in his scent fixation while naked and able to finger his hole: When your boy has a fixation with scent or oral play, or almost anything. Only let him engage in that play while naked and while you finger his hole. Doing so reminds him that he is in fact naked because you can access and manipulate his genitals. I generally prefer to do such things in front of a large window.

- Go on a hike and fuck him in the woods, but only just enough off the path that you might still be seen: Pretty self explanatory. If you like a nice hike, it’s a GREAT way to make sure your boy is enthusiastic for them. Plus you can stop for no reason and say “shhh a hiker. Don’t move so he won’t see my cock in your ass.”

- Simple straight up nudity: Boys, ever wondered what the obsession alphas have with you being nude is? Someone who is nude is entirely more exposed than someone who is not. It’s the easiest, fastest way to make a distinction between two people. I get to wear clothes because I am a superior alpha who has the agency to decide such things. Meanwhile, I say strip and you strip. You’re there, a little cold, with everything showing. Could anyone walking in on the scene mistake which of us is the alpha and which of us is the submissive? Nope.

Creative Chastity

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Alexander Martin:

I have had some mixed results with locking up a boy’s cock in a cage. For some, their cocks had been too large to comfortably fit into the cage. Some boys tried it and found metal and plastic cages just too uncomfortable. For one boy, he figured out that he could actually slip out of it at any time.

Having a lot of those troublesome experiences has lead me to the conclusion that there are people who just find the idea hot but it loses its luster in the execution. Conversely, the chastity players who have really found meaning in it, for whom it’s become a daily part of their life whether or not a Sir is their keyholder, find ways to make it work. And that is the key. Find how to make chastity work for you and understand and accept that your chastity play may not look exactly like what’s on tumblr, but is valid nonetheless if it gives you what you want to get out of the experience.

I write this article for readers who are interested in chastity but are having some difficulty with the standard lock and key. When the standard approach gets difficult, it’s time to get creative to find a way to make chastity play work for you!

- Shorter goals: The first adaptation to chastity play to make your goals more doable is simply to make the locked periods shorter. The denial makes the eventual orgasm sweeter anyways. You will see many players online bragging about the length of time they can stay locked. If that’s what gets them off more power to them, but if you just want to experience some denial for awhile and enjoy having sexual feelings enhanced due to the horny build up of not orgasming… then does it really matter if you’re locked till the weekend or till 2050? Hell, you may even eventually find a sweet spot where you stay locked up (for example) for 3 months at a time and that’s what works best for you. Your dominant might tease “Oh man, 2 more weeks till you’re out boy. It’s been a long 2.5 months so far. Remember when we watched porn each night for a week before bed? Good times.” If shorter goals are enjoyable and you get the experience out of it you want, DO WHAT WORKS.

- Key willpower: When the length of the goal isn’t an issue, often willpower is the big obstacle. Being so horny makes it hard to make the decision to stay locked. Where willpower is an issue dominants are often not involved in a chastity player’s life. The purpose of sealing away the key is to provide an obstacle which while not insurmountable gives you sufficient pause to reassert your willpower. There are two pretty reliable options:

Envelope: Put the key in an envelope, seal it, give it to a friend, and tell them to give it back to you in a week. If they ask about it you can make something up if you like. One of the favorite stories a submissive told his buddy was that he’d put a credit card in there he wanted to not be tempted to use until date X. His friend was more than happy to hold onto the key to the box with his credit card in it without ever realizing what the key actually unlocked.

Timed safe: This sounds like a much more expensive option than it is. One of the safes that have been making the rounds lately is a safe for kitchen use to help control temptations. I’ll include a link at the end of this section. You can just toss the key inside and set a time limit. The safes are about $55 so they’re not impossible to save for, but they’re also expensive enough for you to probably think twice before shattering it to get the key.

- Comfort: The holy trainer and metal cages are the two most comfortable cage types. If you are interested in a holy trainer, please consider that first off there will be some international shipping involved which is unsurprisingly expensive. Additionally, I the official website DOES NOT accept opened products for return. Be certain you get the right size before you order it. In light of that, I strongly suggest you take a trip to a sex store in your city or a local kinkster event and get fitted for a cage the first time you get one. You may have more options there in terms of what you can buy a sales person who can give advice, and the opportunity to talk about how active you’ll be in it, or some of the issues with comfort you’ve had. Lastly, if you aren’t already aware, chastity cages are generally most comfortable when you have little to no hair while wearing them as it reduces the likelihood of getting pinched or having hair pulled.

- Sir’s orders: When Sirs are involved with chastity play, you can have a Sir leave you unlocked but absolutely forbid access to your own genitals without his supervision. I have been surprised how well this works for some people. They simply needed to be told no and that was all it took.

- My grip: When a dominant is in charge of orgasms, you may also find that Sir will do the masturbation for you. When I’ve offered this choice, I restrain the submissive’s hands (and in some cases legs) add a little baby oil, and stroke until they cum and then just keep going. They can orgasm in exchange for continuing to be stroked after orgasm. If I’m feeling generous, I’ll offer them mercy in exchange for something later on of my choosing. It should be of no surprise to anyone that mercy is almost never worth it later on but it still gets chosen fairly often.

Being Present In The Moment

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Alexander Martin:

I truly deeply believe that BDSM is a gift in my life. BDSM is an opportunity to realize fantasies and generate incredible experiences, memories, and stories. It engages all my senses and sets my mind ablaze. When I am in that moment I want to record every last detail of the encounter and to do so I have to bring my mind to be fully present in the moment. I have to forget about the company I have to troubleshoot tomorrow at work. I have to clear my mind of my buddy’s dog going through surgery on Monday. I need to bring my mind fully into the moment and keep it from wandering. Doing so lets me fire on all cylinders, think ahead to what’s coming up, and make sure my submissive is behaving how I want him to behave. Maybe the benefits and experience of what being present in the moment are different for you. The only way to know is to practice and experience it yourself.

- Mute distractions: This is truly the first step to tuning into the moment. Turning off your phone, muting your pc, putting the dog in the backyard, going through the steps to close down distractions can become a little ritual. The ritual itself eventually becomes a way of bringing yourself into the moment. Your mind and body recognize the actions the process through which you can become aware in the moment. It is useful to also perform the actions in the same order and fashion to make it into a ritual of sorts. Don’t forget, we’re doing this to calm your mind! So make sure that part of the ritual is mental as well, letting go of the world and events around you for the time being.

- Meditation: It’s literally the oldest trick in the book. I am not a spiritual person and that’s not how I use meditation. I use it to help me calm myself and temporarily gain a longer attention span. There’s a million websites, blogs, videos that will be happy to help you learn to meditate. Try it. You might be pleasantly surprised. Being the proponent of self discipline that I am, I’ve found it useful as a way to steel my will and replenish my will power.

Most importantly of all, I use meditation to instill a sense of calm in myself. The calmness is a transitory state to my dominant headspace. Achieving calm gives my dominant headspace stability because no other thoughts can provide turmoil in my mind at the same time serving as distractions.

- Practice turning off your mind: Meditation is a way to accomplish this but try sitting for just five minutes and just clearing your mind. The most likely experience of this is a thought will pop into your head. That’s normal. Try to acknowledge it and gently dismiss it and let your mind go blank. You’re going to have a number of thoughts arise like this, simply practice dismissing them and letting them go. The normal state of our minds is to be active. So it’ll take some practice to learn to clear your mind. Just stick with it.

- Cool down and get in touch with yourself: I’ve also found it useful to meditate after a session. I had a guy come over once for pain play. He was much more experienced than many of the boys I usually play with and our session was really intense. I had a really nice dominant’s high afterwards. I wanted to enjoy the sensation so I just savored the power and good feelings. After they subsided I took a few moments for mediation and used a technique I use to get in touch with myself. I did so and I felt a flare of tension in my shoulder blade. I acknowledged the sensation, and let it clear, and let my mind empty. This time my biceps felt tense and sore. I opened my eyes and realized that for the first time I’d beat a boy so hard that not only had I developed a nice high, I had been so fucking into the scene that I hadn’t even noticed my muscles hurt.

8 Uses for Sweaty Underwear

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Alexander Martin:

Not so much my usual instruction post as a chance for a little creativity for my own personal amusement (and of course, yours too dear reader). How many kinky uses can I come up with for my sweaty jocks and briefs?

This list was written in precisely 5 minutes to an arbitrary limitation in place to stir my creativity. I wrote out the outline and then fleshed out each point. Feel free to reblog and add your own. I’ll reblog some of the most interesting responses. This post was inspired by my beautiful boy, @bredbeta ​and his special love affair with sweaty briefs. Not all of this will appeal to him, but neither do all my kinks.

String it over your nose and make it a mask (easy).

We meet up for drinks at a hotel bar and I demand you go to the rest room and remove your underwear. I spend the rest of the evening using the underwear as a napkin in full view of everyone around me.

I get back from a run around DC and step out of my briefs. I push you to your knees and twist the pair until I wring the sweat out and let it fall all over your upper lip so you have to smell it for the rest of the day.

Stuff a pair into your mouth as a gag while I fuck your ass with that same sweaty dick. (too easy)
Use my jocks strung together as wrist and or ankle restraints. No matter what way I bind you, I’ll be sure that the smell is tantalizingly out of reach.

No matter what you’re doing, just be aware that I can come up behind you with a sweaty jock like a rag full of chloroform.

It’s time for a kinkster event. You’re excited to go, but you’re only allowed to attend if you wear my red briefs over your face like a bandit mask. If anyone asks why your only response may be “I’m a booty bandit.”

After a run in 90 degree weather I come home and lay you down before a box fan. I stick my underwear covered taint in your mouth and instruct you to suck my briefs clean while I cool off.

The Mirror Technique

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Alexander Martin:

I do love my quantifiers and before I’m going to say much more, let’s talk about safety. The only “dangers” inherent in this technique are those related to triggering or upsetting your submissive. So use this technique with someone you know. DO use this technique on men who enjoy humiliation or degradation.

Setup: You’ll need a large (preferably full length) mirror. It needs to be easily visible from wherever you fuck bed, couch, floor, ottoman, kitchen counter (I won’t judge), etc.

Technique: Your objective will be to mentally get your submissive as far into subspace as possible (see the post about layering if you need some help getting there). You want him really caught up in that head space, preferably impaled on your dick (or deep in your hole if you are a dominant bottom). Surprise is the key to making this work, surprise, the truth in your words and getting them agreeing when their psyche is laid bare and vulnerable are what make this so effective. Once you have him there and you think the moment is right, grab his hair roughly, and jerk his head in the direction of the mirror. Say something like “Look yourself in the eye faggot, look at what you’ve become, what I’ve made you into. Now say you’re mine, body and soul, say you’re mine and look yourself in the eye when you say it so the both of us know you MEAN IT!”

Challenges: The only real challenge comes from finding the right moment when your sub is very deep in subspace, and yet still aware enough to engage you. If you find the right moment where he has a submissive dialogue in his own head and you suddenly synchronize what he’s telling himself with the mirror technique, that’s the ultimate goal and when this experience will be mind blowing. It does take some practice to get right, but it generally it won’t really work too effectively against

Outcomes: The reason I’m even writing about this, was that I’ve had two separate men ejaculate immediately when I did this to them. Subspace, my dick, and the moment overwhelmed them and they came all over the bed. I have also had submissives that were suddenly thrown by the unexpected experience. They stutter and their brain just can’t process properly for a moment or two. That’s not a bad reaction and they should fall in line in a moment or two. I’ve had other fall in line and completely embrace the experience and spontaneously start engaging in dirty talk (super hot). Although I’ve never had it happen, it could also result in an obvious rejection of the experience. It could also result in someone getting very quiet and unresponsive. Should either happen, stop immediately and engage the submissive to see what’s going on. If you don’t, it could damage your continued ability to play with that boy.

Tips For Verbal

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Alexander Martin:

Being verbal during sex is a bit of a challenge for many men. It’s a challenge for me as well. I usually have to be particularly horned to do verbal at all. Regardless there are a few tips for people trying to up their game when it comes to verbal.

- KNOW YOUR TARGET!: This is the most important and first step to being verbal. Does your boy want to be called a faggot? A cunt? A whore? A slut? Does he like being made into a girly boy? Does he want you to bring him all your friends with big hard cocks to pillage his fag hole? Does he want to hear about you pissing into his mouth till it over flows and dribbles down his neck? All of these are examples of what knowing the psychology of your boy allows you to do.

- Think it through in advance: You’re on recon; you’ve got a cute sub on the line with an ass to die for. He tells you he wants a man that will hold his arms behind his back and fuck him rough. The simplest thing to do is to think through as many different ways to say back exactly what he told you in advance of when you will get together. Later when you’re in the moment you’re going to be more likely to remember something you’ve already thought of rather than making it up on the spot.

- Wherever possible mix their kinks: If your sub is into being called a bitch and being throat fucked. “Alright you little bitch. It’s time for you to prove you’re going to be my worthy cockslut. Get on the bed I’m going to fuck your throat!”

- Make your boy say what he’s doing: This is part of what I like to call “the mirror technique” which I will explain in its own post another time. As it is relevant here, make your submissive say what they’re doing (if it’s humiliating or they enjoy it). If you do this, most subs will say it quietly and it pays to make them say it loudly. Your submissive will be further humiliated by repeating what they said and louder it will push them further into subspace which makes submissives more likely to follow orders in the future.

Best of luck with these tips. If you end up with any particularly good results feel free to share them with the rest of us ;).

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hadriantemple:

Verbal play is an extremely important tool for doms. Many subs love to be talked down to, and many doms love doing it. There are a couple key reasons for this:

Being talked down to establishes the power dynamic.

Taboo words like bitch and faggot are sexually charged, and saying them empowers the dom.

Sex is to a large extent about imagination, and verbal play helps shape the imagination by guiding the sub to where the dom wants him/her to go.

Effective verbal play can help a sub overlook small mistakes the dom might make.

Being insulted, talked down to, and so on can be very humiliating, which some subs really enjoy.

Verbal play can build anticipation for what's coming next "If you don't do this well enough, I'm going to spank you." (Narrator: He was going to spank the sub anyway.)

I know one boy that I can make cum hands-free just by giving him a good chewing out (@boyspunky, you know what I'm talking about...)

So how do you learn to get good at verbal play? It's basically practice. Build up a repertoire of things you can say, so that you can develop some variety. Get used to saying things like "Down on your knees, cunt!" and practice them until you can say them with a straight face and a tone of authority. When you're done playing, ask for some feedback about what worked and what didn't. (You do ask your subs to give you feedback, right?)

So there are a few key principles to work with in verbal play.

1) Vary your language. Don't keep saying 'bitch'.That makes you look unimaginative and it drains the insult of its erotic charge. We've all watched boring porn where they just say "take that cock" or "oh my god that feels so good" over and over again. If you don't want to sound like bad porn, you need to work on your verbal game. So figure out as many variations as you can and alternate them. If your sub likes a particular term, use that one more frequently. And remember that for a sub, an insult can be a term of endearment. A lot depends on your tone of voice.

2) Use verbal play to build anticipation. Tell the sub what's coming next. If you want to spank the sub, you can threaten it as a punishment for failure, or promise it as a reward for good service, or just tell the sub it's coming. Getting good at this will create the impression that you've planned out the scene (even if you're just improvising).

3) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want them to understand what's happening. Most BDSM acts can have multiple interpretations. For example, pissing on the sub can be about enjoying the liberating physicality of the act ("It feels so damn good to take a piss!"), a statement of humiliation ("you're so pathetic you're gonna let me piss on you"), a statement of ownership and marking ('You're my pissed-on property"), a reward ("if you beg, I'll reward you with my piss") and so on. If you want pissing on the sub to be a humiliation, say so.

4) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want him to act. If the sub knows you want to humiliate him, he's more likely to play into that. And you can tell the sub what you want to see. "If you beg well enough, I'll stop torturing your tits" and "Who's my good boy? Who's daddy's perfect little boy?" can signal the behavior you want.

5) You can dramatize your power by promising things and not giving them or changing your mind. "Ok, you can stop slapping your cock now. No, actually, I've changed my mind. Keep going."

6) Learn the 'magician's force'. Stage magicians use this to guide the audience. If a magician wants you to choose the blue cup and you pick the red cup, he'll say, "ok, that's the one we'll set aside." It creates the illusion of choice while keeping the magician in charge. You can do similar tricks with a sub, in which you give the sub a choice while keeping the illusion of control. I often ask my boy "Would you like me to stop slapping your cock?" If he says 'yes', I'll say "That's too bad. I'm not ready to stop." (But now I know that the boy might be approaching a limit.) If he says no, I'll say "That's good, because I'm not going to." There are lot of games this can be applied to.

7) Verbal play can focus the sub's attention and plant thoughts and feelings in the sub's head. When I'm torturing a boy, I'll say "I'll bet having your tits clamped like that really hurts. You don't think you can take much more of that, do you?" If I'm stroking his cock I might say "God that feels good, doesn't it? Your cock must be bursting. You're probably hoping I'll let you cum soon." Things like that will focus the sub's attention on the facet of the experience you're trying to create. Being told the pain is getting unbearable makes it harder for the sub to manage the pain. And this can sometimes create the impression that the dom knows what the sub is thinking. The sub is having those thoughts and the dom seems to be vocalizing them, when in reality part of the reason the sub is having that thought is that the dom is encouraging the sub to think about that. Many subs love the fantasy of the omniscient dom.

8) You can also help your sub manage the experience through verbal play. "Deep breaths, boy. That will help you manage the pain" or "Ok, I'm going to untie you now. Relax, you'll be free soon."

9) Don't forget to praise the sub. Unless the scene is all about humiliation, praise gives the sub encouragement and helps them feel a sense of pride. And if your scene is about humiliation, you can break the sub down and then build them back up by praising the submissive behavior you're seeking. "You can take this spanking, boy. You've done it before."

10) Verbal mind games can be great fun. Blindfold the sub and then ask them to figure out what toy you're using on them. Or talk to them in ways that make them nervous. "Hmm. I haven't used THIS toy in a while. The last sub I used it on wouldn't stop crying. I wonder if you'll be able to handle it."

11) How you say things can have a big impact on the scene. Whatever you say, it's important to sound like you have the authority to say it. Tentatively saying "umm, take it, uhh, you bitch" is going to make you sound weak when the sub wants you to sound strong. So practice saying things forcefully. That doesn't mean yelling it. Yelling will actually tend to make you look weak, as if you're resorting to volume to make up for authority. Instead you want to sound like you are used to giving commands and having them obeyed. Varying tones give different effects. Saying it with an angry edge in your voice can make a sub anxious in a good way. Saying it with a sound of contempt works well for humiliation play. Speaking softly can sound menacing. And don't forget the power of whispering. Leaning in close to a tied up boy and quietly saying "I'm really going to enjoy this next part, even if you don't" can send some boys over the moon because it combines intimacy with menace.

A couple general points to remember about verbal play

1) Insults can wound far more deeply than most toys. So be careful which ones you use. For example, if your sub is overweight, they're probably somewhat ashamed of their body already, and having their attention called to their weight will probably be humiliating in a bad way. So avoid insults like "fat pig" unless you've talked to the sub and know they're ok with that. Similarly, racially-loaded terms can add excitement for a sub who's of a different race from you, but they can also be very painful, so make sure you include respectful negotiation around racial insults before you start to employ them.

2) Don't joke about ignoring safe words. The sub needs to know you're going to respect the safe word (unless you two are advanced enough that you've decided to drop safe words--a practice that is definitely not for new players). "No" can mean "yes", but "red" has to mean "stop".

3) Verbal play should stop during aftercare, or it should shift to a more gentle and comforting phase. "Yes, baby. Daddy's gonna take care of you now."

4) Not all subs like humiliation and insults, so go cautiously until you know that the sub enjoys that sort of thing. For some subs, being insulted immediately brings them out of their headspace and makes them angry. Just as you wouldn't flog someone without their consent, don't verbally abuse them without it.

So what's your favorite verbal trick?

Punishing subs

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Alexander Martin:

One of the first quandaries I came across when exploring kink was how one punishes a submissive that enjoys pain or otherwise requires unconventional punishment. So I’m going to include some suggestions for punishments and some techniques to apply to them. This is not a comprehensive list of punishments just punishments that I have done myself and can therefore speak on from personal experience. It is important to talk to submissives about punishment and make sure that you won’t cross the line with any punishments you use. Talk to them in advance of needing them. Let them know the kinds of punishments you employ and make sure when you use one you clearly state what they did wrong, what they should do to correct the behavior, give them a chance to correct it, and make certain to reassure them that you still care for them.

- Scale of 1 to 10: This is not a punishment but it goes well with most punishments. One of the problems I’ve had with subs is that they do not often understand how serious I consider a wrong doing. For this, I say “on a scale of 1 to 10 how mad do you think I am?” Often, the number reported is a few points higher than it actually is and it helps submissives learn what is serious and what an infraction is. Subs inherently want to please you and it can be hard on some subs to be punished at all (bredbeta is a VERY good boy and does not seek punishment). Using this techniquein tandem with any of the punishments below to make it so

- Time out: Time out sounds like something that is useful for 5 year olds but it works very well for submissives of all ages. Before I go any further, some submissives HATE time out and it is important to ask about it before implementing it because they will take it VERY seriously and VERY personally if you do it. Time outs are pretty simple. Firmly grip the offending boy, explain what went wrong, explain that they’re getting a time out and for how long it will be, then instruct them to assume time out. Usually you’ll have them sit in a corner quietly for a few minutes. Sometimes subs will find it hard to settle down and will act out or otherwise test your patience. If this happens, walk over, calmly inform them they’re in time out and explain how you expect them to behave and what they should be doing. Explain you’re going to extend the time out for 1 more minute. If issues continue, I have often found adding a blanket over their head/body is useful to get them calmer.

- Ben gay: This punishment requires a bottle of ben gay. Merely smear it over the submissive’s balls and cock. This will result in an extremely unpleasant burning sensation. I STRONGLY recommend smearing a small amount of this cream in the space between the thigh and the balls. That area of skin is thin enough that you will get an sense of how bad the burn is. If you apply it and the submissive changes his mind and wants the ben gay removed you can find this elsewhere on the web, but here’s the short version of what to do. Get some tissues and remove as much of the cream from the surface of the skin as possible. Then saturate a cotton ball with olive oil and wipe against the skin until the burning sensation lessens. When you are ready to remove the olive oil use soapy cold water. DO NOT use warm water, doing so will open up pores in the skin and residual ben gay can penetrate there and then there’s nothing more you can do to stop the pain and it will have to be waited out.

- Spanking: Sure, a standard open hand can do wonders, so can a paddle, cane, or crop. You may also find a rough bristle brush to be very useful for creating a nasty stinging for a day or two. Once you start thinking about rough objects like the brush you could use, objects will begin to light up when looking around the room.

- Tickles: This may not sound that bad, but tying someone up and tickling them for 5 minutes straight can really be a torture. I will sometimes use this punishment for lighter infractions.

- Soaping: This is a really old school punishment but it is as effective now as it was then. You force your boy to take soap into his mouth and suck on it (but not swallow) for a time determined by you. Some guys really get off on this kind of punishment and will actually seek it out so be wary who it is actually a reward for.

Planning A Scene

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Alexander Martin:

It is not always necessary to spend your time planning a scene. I do still plan scenes from time to time mostly to make sure I’ve covered all my bases and created an immersive experience.

- Objective: First up, for yourself, think through the experience you’re trying to create and write it out for yourself as detailed or broadly as you need it. A few quick examples:

“I want the boy to be blindfolded and believe I’m fucking him with someone else watching. No one is actually there.”

“I want the boy to feel like he’s getting fucked in a bathhouse orgy.”

“I want to tie my boy up so he’s balancing on one toe and cane his ass.”

- Detailed as you like: The importance of the objective is both to add details and eliminate details. We want to add details to the scene that support the experience we are creating. We want to remove details or steps that aren’t adding to the scene. I generally prefer to keep scenes simple as detail can be a hassle and eventually I just want to play. Using the examples above:

“My boy is blindfolded so the layout of the scene isn’t important. But I’ll need to pre-record an MP3 with some sounds like

“I will want to buy candles for sweat and leather. I’d like to play some orgy porn in the background for the sounds I want. I don’t need to worry about lighting

“I want to make sure I use 50 ft of hemp rope to have the kind of suspension I want to do. I don’t need to worry about doing decorative ties since he will be facing the floor and won’t see what I’ve done on his back.”

- Steps: Layout everything in a series of steps. It really need not be anything simpler than you need to remember the progression. I’ll use the example of the “orgy” above:

= Light scented candles

= Play TIM: in the flesh

= Dim lights

= Pad saw horse

= Set lube within arm’s reach.

= Prepare the lube syringe

= Have poppers handy and open

- Materials: Not every scene needs materials but it’s handy to just have a short list of what you think you need. Once you have it, re-read the list and make sure each object is necessary enough for you to have or prepare it. You may sometimes find a scene worked fine without one or more objects. It’s ok to subtract out stuff that didn’t add the value you thought it would.

- Atmosphere: This is the last thing to consider and that’s simply how much atmosphere is needed. When preparing atmosphere first consider all the senses: Sight, Scent, Sound, Taste, and Touch. Then consider what senses will be engaged. Are there any you specifically want to enhance? Get creative with senses other than sight, you can create some really interesting spaces with sight and sent alone. But even with touch you can warm a realistic feeling dildo and flop it on your boy and drag it off slowly. Even putting a leather glove on your hand and touching him from an unexpected angle can simulate another person being present.

Ball Gag Warning

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Alexander Martin:

One of the first really scary experiences I had was with a ball gag. I had a boy tied up before me and put a ball gag in his mouth. We arranged a hand signal for use in checking in. I started using the cane and as a new dom my strikes with the cane were inconsistent and sometimes too hard or too soft. Most of them were inaccurate as well, landing all over the place.

About three minutes in the boy suddenly took a harder hit than I intended. The entire time prior to this the boy had been trying to keep all the drool accumulating in his mouth. He had swallowed once or twice already. When I hit him though, he was in the middle of swallowing and it caused a reflex reaction to inhale sharply. He breathed in a bit of spittle and immediately began to panic. Coughing, bucking, unable to get a big breath of air things suddenly went from fine to BAD. I was scared because I did not know what was going on, and he could not communicate. Worse yet, with all the bucking I was failing to get a grip on him as he went from merely moving to full body thrashing and kicking.

I became determined to not let anything worse happen to him. Despite getting some sharp kicks and punches, I managed to get a grip and tighten it and advance until I could undo his gag, then he coughed violently and turned red. I put pressure on him still and undid his hands and legs.

I grabbed a water bottle I keep nearby and gave it to him which he quickly gulped. By that point he was a lot calmer. I managed to get him to tell me what happened, and as soon as I did, he made some excuses while getting dressed and ran out of the apartment.

This happened because I used what I thought was a very simple toy and I did not know to tell him “When using a ball gag, drool EVERYWHERE. Do not keep spittle in your mouth.” I am still new to bdsm. I have often found others have been practicing 20, 30, 40 years. I’ve been practicing since 2011. That said, I intend this blog to be a way to pass on some of what I learned periodically.

I’ve been inspired by some fellow dominants who have been giving really excellent advice to throw my hat into the ring. My hope is to post once a week plus any and all reader questions.

How to Manipulate Pain Processing

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Alexander Martin:

As a companion to the article I wrote on processing pain, this article is written to fellow dominants about how to manipulate the pain experience.

Why? Pain is often a coarse experience for people. You scrape your knees and the scrapes are uneven, some parts the injury is deeper than others and the experience is mixed. A top acting in a deliberate fashion can create a more even experience. For example, I get out a crop, and I use the leather strips at the end and with three quick strokes can create a triangle on your skin through friction. I can then press my fingers along the outline with varying or even pressure depending on the type of sensation I want to inflict and what you enjoy. I want to create a fine and nuanced experiences for my masochists by being masterful in how I inflict pain and sensation.

Manipulating the ways a submissive manages pain is a more advanced technique than simply hitting them. They’re trying to cope with pain and you’re trying to disrupt it periodically to vary their experience of the scene. It allows for you to use more fine control in creating pain which allows you to play longer without exhausting yourself.

- Breathing: I hinted at one of the easier ways to disrupt breathing which is the simple application of a gag. Personally, I find the hand to be a far better tool than a gag (but you may need the gag if the bottom is being nosier than is polite to your neighbors or roommate). By using my hand, I can cover the mouth while leaving the nostrils exposed allowing me to restrict incoming airflow but very quickly remove the obstruction. A gag does work, but since it can require some time to apply and remove it can be problematic because insufficient oxygen is a potential problem. It’s best to apply breathing disruptions for brief periods of time, no more than 15-20 seconds should be needed to result in the kind of flare up of pain you’re after.

- Clenching: This is a harder technique to disrupt. You can stop hand clenching by putting someone in leather restraints or rope. More experienced submissives will recognize that they can tense up their ass cheeks to become quite hard which will both deflect your blows and allow them to use that clench to help compensate for pain. What you should do is vary up what you’re doing or bark an order just to bring the submissive out of his internal space and focused on you which prevents his focus on being away from the pain.

- Biting: Biting is something as a dominant you should be watching out for with your bottoms. A particularly tense jaw is not a great sign. That kind of grinding can lead to tension headaches and you should teach submissives to use other methods. As for disrupting biting, it’s best to stop with a strong grip to the face, get the submissive to look you in the eye and talk. Ask questions; get him to say “yes sir/master/lord”, anything to get him to use his jaw for a moment.

- Tickling: This technique is a particularly devious one and it is important to remember that while tickling sounds mostly harmless there are people out there who REALLY hate it and you should make a point of finding out how someone feels about tickling before engaging in it. Tickling is a useful disruptive technique because if your target is ticklish the response is reflexive and they simply react to it causing them to squirm and jar in a variety of directions while disrupting control.

- Exhaustion: Lastly as a point of safety. I want to talk about signs of exhaustion in submissives and what to look for. Submissives are in it for their own experience with pain and that experience with you in particular. Pride, a desire to please, and just getting caught up in the moment can all be factors preventing a submissive from identifying when he’s had enough.

Look for:

- Sagging body posture.

- Labored breathing.

- Spacey look in the eyes.

- Slowed response to questions.

- Disorientation.

If you see these signs it is probable that a submissive is nearing his limits for play. It is important to offer aftercare at that point if the submissive wants it and to especially offer lots of water. I keep a 1 gallon Rubbermaid pitcher in my room and a water bottle that is always topped off whenever I play.

Confident vs. Arrogant

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Alright followers, I’m always trying to help educate the next generation of kinksters. This time I’m writing to educate my fellow doms. Ask almost any submissive and they will tell you the world is WOEFULLY lacking knowledgeable dominants. That’s why I teach. I needed a teacher and too many people wanted something in exchange for teaching. I believe that making knowledge available for anyone who simply wants it will improve our community.

So, I asked my followers to tell me the things they HATE when dominants do them. It’s important to know what not to do because so many doms have a move, or a skill that they know subs love. When subs aren’t interested or turned off by something we did? They vanish, that makes it hard to learn from our mistakes. So, let’s get into it.

Assuming any submissive owes you anything for simply existing.

@collegebottomwpb wrote: “Assuming that I have to do what they say because they identify as a Dom and me a sub. It makes me wonder what they are really looking for. I’m not your punching bag just because I identify as a sub.”

@gayhypnoboy wrote: “One thing certain Dominants do that puts me off serving them is acting as though they deserve my submission purely based on my being an s-type, without them bothering to establish any rapport with me. It’s far better to come in gently and respectfully - if rapport is established then I am far more likely to gift the Dominant my submission.”

@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Being a Dom doesn’t mean acting like an asshole to me, especially if we don’t already have a relationship/framework to build on. Every day I have to ignore random rude people that treat me like shit. If I don’t know you and you’re leading off our encounter by degrading me and demanding things that make me uncomfortable, I’m gonna shut down completely. Show me you’re worth obeying before demanding subservience. You can’t be in charge until I feel safe being powerless.”

I really wanted to bring this comment up first because it is often the opening move of a dominant to try and put himself in position as the person in charge. We know you’re in charge, we all know because we all self identify with our roles. Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud. Pushing your dominance shows insecurities to submissives. But being your dominant self and expressing dominance through who you are is going to be WAY more effective. (as much as I dislike “real” alpha/submissive as a concept) 

Think of how many submissives want a “real” alpha. They are desperate for the Man who radiates his dominance through confidence in himself and every action he takes even when he is at rest. Cultivate that Man within yourself. Mix in a bit of charm and you will be the center of attention.

Don’t forget that every sub is unique and has different needs. Get to know each submissive you want to play with.

@athenbax wrote: “I had a dominant thank me one time and I lost all respect for him. Dominants don’t thank fags, fags thank dominants.”

@markinwisconsin also added: “I think when someone approaches a sub making demeaning statements or demands it is more likely a fake dom looking for a quick buck.”

@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Also learn the difference between betas and omegas and try to think about what kind of relationship dynamics most appeal to you. Subs need different levels of degradation and treating us all the same is a quick way to make us feel disposable (and not in a fun cumwhore way). If you need a human toilet, fine. Just don’t assume that’s gonna be me because I’m a sub.”

Both of these quotes show what a mistake it can be to assume all submissives are the same. @athenbax needs a Man to come in, take charge, and own his ass. @markinwisconsin will not be impressed if you are trying to humiliate or demean you right out of the gate and will likely leave. EVERY SUB IS DIFFERENT! They all have different: needs from dominance, personalities, kinks, appearances, and needs from a dominant. If you walk up and call @collegebottomwpb a faggot he’ll probably block you where as @athenbax is likely to say “Yes Sir”. This I hope explains some points of failure for a lot of brand new doms who start out with one approach thinking that porn reflects reality. Take a moment to ask a sub what titles he likes as that can often give you the first clues you need to get inside a submissive’s head. Each new sub you would play with you need to think like first. You want to be a step ahead of them in the conversation whether fag or boy at all times. If you’re a step ahead of them and leading them in just the starting conversation alone, it makes a fantastic first impression.

Learn the difference between confidence and arrogance.

@markinwisconsin wrote: “I don’t think an Alpha should ask a sub to do something. They should be giving orders.”

Ok, so we’ve established that you’re here and dominant, and that every submissive is different. The last thing you need to establish is that a submissive feels into you and is looking to you ready to play. If he’s ready to play, he’s already submitting to you in a cursory way and wants to go deeper. I’m going to lay out some differences between arrogance and confidence for you below:

When you understand the difference between confidence and arrogance your words carry weight because you truly and deeply KNOW what it is you need and want in the moment. You give a submissive an order not to fill his time so you can think of something more to do but instead because it’s what you need him to do and need him to do NOW.

Some submissives will make a point of letting you know that you can dominate them: “It’s ok for you to give me orders.” These submissives have often had lots of experiences with Men who were new to giving orders and unsure. Remember earlier in this post we talked about being a step ahead in the conversation? That applies in the bedroom. Plan, know, execute on your needs and your scene. 

Having that next step planned out while you’re spanking his ass means that there is no hesitation when you need to act because you KNOW what you’re going to do. It lets you speak with assertion because you know “this is what happens next”. Besides, a great many subs would be incredibly excited to hear: “I’ve been planning all week what I’m going to do to you. Are you ready to find out exactly what will happen now?”

Honorable mention

@lto2012 wrote: “As a Dom, I don’t know that I have much to offer here aside for the fact that I’m really willing to learn, to listen, to challenge boundaries and to openly communicate with subs. Things like this— a “how to” guide and other content I’ve found here on Tumblr— are helpful in my own learning process.

Every situation, interaction, and person is nuanced and that presents a challenge for some Doms. There is no formula. It is a continual test that goes in both directions. The issue I find is that when subs don’t communicate I fail that test. I’ll fail every test I don’t even know I’m taking.
I cannot read your mind.

I want to have the sex in real life that my buddies jerk off thinking about. Help me out and we can have that amazing sex together. “

I know how many cruel, abusive, arrogant doms are out there boys. Don’t forget there are good men too. It makes life a lot easier if even though you’re a submissive you’ll let a dominant know if something constitutes mistreatment so new sincere men such as this follower can learn and grow into a Man any of you would be proud to serve. Dominants can’t be dominants without submissives and submissives cannot submit without a dominant to lead them. This principle extends to all areas of our kinky lives not simply the bedroom for those of us who are called to live the life of a kinkster. So, speak up, let your would be dominant know what’s up and if he shapes up and treats you right, consider submitting to him. After all, a Man who can hear he’s done wrong and do better is what we all want from a partner isn’t it?

Conclusion

No one wants to be a “bad dom/sub” or a “fake dom/sub” but if anyone is going to grow and change… They need to have the knowledge of how to DO better. I promise you subs out there, every dom wants to know what he’s doing and be acknowledged for his dominance and power by doing it so right you melt into a puddle in his arms. The internet has given us greater access to information sure, but without our fellow doms looking at us with admiration and holding their hands out to support the next generation far too many of us suffer from impostor syndrome. “I want this sub, but I don’t want him to know I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.” And then after a successful scene that sense of relief that it went well and he had no idea you’re still learning. You want to know how to make those boys squirm and fall for you? Just do one thing. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you.

Discipline, In Detail.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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A major part of many kinky dynamics is a focus on discipline. While “discipline” can be a fun part of your everyday activities, it can also mean something more specific in terms of punishment. “Punishment” differs from the general sense of discipline in that it has a specific goal to focus on that changes a submissive’s behaviour.

Many people engage in what can be called “funishment,”—punishment-type activities, like regular spankings or other forms of play, that are not meant to alter the behaviour of the submissive but rather to provide enjoyment to either/both/all parties. However, it is important to distinguish the difference between playful discipline and serious punishments. Punishments are consequences of negative actions, whether this is based on officially-written regulations or unspoken general behaviours like brattiness, defiance, or dangerous behaviours.

The idea of punishment is based largely on psychological research in the area of behaviourism. It consists of techniques that are supported by science to effectively alter the behaviour of an individual. (If you want to learn more about the research behind punishments, look up B. F. Skinner’s work in this area.)

Two types of punishments exist: positive punishments, which add undesired consequences to the behaviour, and negative punishments, which take away desired privileges.

Now, before I get into some specific ideas for punishments, there are some important key points I’d like to make. Please be sure to read all of these before deciding on a specific punishment.

Punishments do NOT negate the right to a safeword. Some people are mislead into dangerous situations by being told they cannot safeword during a punishment. This is completely untrue. All parties have a right to safeword at any time during any kind of play or punishment. Taking away the right to safeword equates to abuse, plain and simple. Don’t ever tell your partner they cannot safeword or ignore their safeword for the sake of punishment. This is not effective and is extremely harmful to your partner’s mental and/or physical well-being.

NEVER punish out of anger. Anger is never a healthy motivation for punishment. Punishments are meant for the submissive’s benefit, at the core. If the submissive’s behaviour has made the Dominant angry, they should have a cooling-off period where they can calm down, think about an appropriate punishment, and resolve the matter at a later time, after healthy discussion about what happened.

Limits are NOT to be used as punishments. Many people have activities they don’t particularly enjoy that aren’t on their limits list. Some people have specific ideas for punishments that suit them best. However, regardless of you or your partner’s experience with punishments, it needs to be understood that hard limits are not punishments. Hard limits are never to be used for punishment’s sake because “hard limit” means “I do not want to do this under any circumstance.” Using a hard limit as a punishment would be an abusive act, as hard limits come with an automatic safeword attached, since they are specifically stated as things the person does not feel comfortable with. Never, ever, threaten or use hard limits to punish a submissive.

Use healthy discretion. This one should seem obvious, but don’t follow through with punishments if rule-breaking was out of the submissive’s control. Say the submissive has a 11PM bedtime, but they recently suffered a trauma or loss and can’t sleep. Let them engage in healthy coping skills instead of punishing them for something they aren’t doing on purpose. Above all else, make safety and well-being a priority.

Make the punishment fit the crime. Punishments that are relative to the defiance are much more effective at changing the behaviour than random punishments. For example, if the submissive cums without permission, try a punishment from the “orgasm control” section. This will better reinforce the reasoning in the submissive and more effectively guide them to make better choices in the future. There are also punishments that work best for specific dynamics like for littles or pets, so be sure to read into those, below.

Aftercare is absolutely required. Like any kind of play, aftercare is required at the end of the scene. This is especially important during punishments because often times, the submissive is consumed with feelings of guilt and disappointment. After a punishment, Dominants need to give their submissives aftercare that includes a conversation about why they were punished, how proud the Dominant is for them taking the punishment so well, and that there are no negative feelings between them. The submissive should leave the punishment scene feeling forgiven for their mistakes and proud of themselves for making things right with their Dominant. Do not leave your submissive alone after a punishment without aftercare, ever! This is highly abusive and can seriously harm your partner.

Humiliation

A great way to get a submissive to stay in line is to humiliate them when they’ve done something wrong. There are several ways to go about this, depending on your dynamic and kinks, but it’s an effective and amusing way to get the message across.

Clothing Restriction

Clothing restriction can be done both domestically and in public. Restriction can be as much as not allowing any clothing (in legal or private settings), ordering a certain amount of skin be showing, or choosing a specific outfit or collar for the submissive. For shy submissives, clothing restriction can be intense. This is an especially good punishment for submissives who have said negative comments about their bodies.

Diapering

For ABDL or little submissives, this can either be a reward or a punishment. Depending on the comfort level with diapers, they can be used as a punishment that ties into humiliation. Making them relieve themselves in only the diaper for a set amount of time or wearing it around the house as their only clothing can be very humiliating for some people.

Sissification

Sissification is a kink that is most common in submissive men. It’s the act of dolling a man up like a girl and humiliating him based on his presentation as such. This can be very effective for some people but can be very problematic to others. Be careful not to use this kink as punishment with trans or gender non-conforming subs without their explicit consent, as it can very easily trigger dysphoria and cause severe emotional problems.

Public Humiliation

Public humiliation can be done in any subtle way that embarrasses a submissive without breaking any obvious laws. Some examples include making them wear an anal plug or remote-controlled vibrator to dinner, public leashing, or making them kneel at social gatherings. Work this idea into the submissive’s specific kinks and limits to be sure it’s just enough to embarrass them, without making them unbearably uncomfortable.

Orgasm Control

Orgasm control is simply that—controlling the submissive’s orgasms. Most of these types of punishments are used for submissives who break rules about orgasms, be it without permission or when they were told not to touch themselves. Controlling orgasms is an amusing way to teach the submissive who their orgasms belong to.

Edging

Edging is the act of getting your partner right to the edge of orgasm, then denying them release. This can be done multiple times, even in short amounts of time. It’s a little psychological torture, best for those who cum without permission.

Toy Restriction

For a submissive, like myself, who is accustomed to using toys during masturbation or play, toy restriction is a very effective punishment. This is especially good for submissives who have a difficult time reaching orgasm without toys, as it makes things very frustrating very quickly. An evil punishment may even combine toy restrictions with a quota of orgasms for the day that they must reach in order to get off restriction. Desperation will sink in very quickly and this lesson will be easily learned.

Forced Orgasms

Forced orgasm is another great punishment for submissives who cum without permission. It turns a great sensation into a torturous experience very quickly. This is especially great with toys like the Hitachi or a Sybian. Focus on a goal—either for number of orgasms, or a specific amount of time. An hour spent riding a Hitachi can really be the most agonizing thing for some people due to heightened sensitivity after each orgasm.

Denial

Denial is the complete opposite of forced orgasms. It’s like edging, but there is no orgasm at the end of the scene. This can be doing while using toys and not allowing the person to orgasm or it can be done by restriction orgasms or even touching oneself for a longer period of time.

Chastity

Chastity, much like denial, is the refusal of orgasms. However, with chastity, the submissive is completely unable to touch themselves, even if they wanted to. Devices for people with penises and vaginas are available to purchase online to assure your submissive is following orders properly.

Domestic Discipline

Domestic discipline includes things that can be done within the home. Some of these include behaviour modifications or restrictions. While some of these can be done outside the home, these are good examples of things for couples who live together can do for punishments.

Chores

Chores not only benefit the entire household, but they can also be an effective punishment for unruly subs. Added chores can be especially fun if you make her clean the bathroom with a toothbrush or make him do dishes with nipple clamps on. Combine with other punishments for your amusement!

Furniture Restriction

Especially fun for people into pet-play, furniture restriction involves limiting where the submissive can sit or lie down. Require that they sit on the ground instead of the couches or sleep on the floor next to the bed if they’ve been defiant.

Caging

Another good one for pets, especially. Caging can be used to make the submissive reflect on their reasons for being punished. Be sure to use a cage small enough to confine them, but still large enough so they aren’t going to hurt themselves by spending too much time in the cage.

Bedtime

A great one for littles! Bedtimes are good for college students who don’t do their homework, or easily distracted adults with work to do. Set up rules that require all obligations get done and enforce an early bedtime to be sure they are well-rested (and easily frustrated) when they don’t follow these rules.

Time-Out

Another punishment for reflection. Time-outs are good for brats and littles because it makes them analyze what they did wrong. Put them in a corner or a special “time-out chair” so they know they are being punished. Increase the time or add in other punishments if they break rules more than once.

Sensory Deprivation

Sensory deprivation is a lot like time-out, but can be used for added psychological torment. Plug the submissive’s ears or use headphones, blindfold them, bind them to a bed or chair, and completely ignore them for a set about of time. This desensitizes them and not only makes them reflect on their reasons for punishment, but makes it very uncomfortable, assuring they won’t want to end up in isolation again.

Objectification

Objectification is fun for Dominants who like their submissives in service to them during punishment. Make them kneel and become your footstool or coffee table while you watch TV or catch up on work. This is even better when you make them do it completely naked and/or in front of guests.

Dietary Restriction

If a submissive has done something against the rules, you can make them follow a strict diet. This is especially useful for those using behaviour modification to lose or gain weight. However, be careful to ensure the submissive is still getting enough nutrition. For littles, see how much they want to be a brat after you take away their dessert privilege. For pets, try making them eat out of a bowl on the floor for each meal.

Speech Restriction

For disrespectful submissives, punish them by taking away their right to a personal pronoun, making them refer to themselves as “this girl,” “Your slut,” “Master’s puppy boy,” or anything else you want to use. You can also make it a rule that they must refer to you by your Dominant title at all times, even in public. Having to remember their restrictions on speech will keep them thinking about their punishment all day.

Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment is enforcement by physical contact. These types of punishments involve pain, which is a tricky subject for punishing. Typically, pain punishments don’t work as well to change behavior, especially if the submissive is also a masochist. Be sure to carefully choose what kind of pain if you’re going with one of these methods.

Impact

If your submissive likes thuddy pain, use stingy pain. If they like stingy pain, use thuddy. Push their limits carefully, but make it clear this is a punishment and not for fun. Have them apologize as you strike them. Tell them why they are being punished and make it clear that they are to be good and learn from their mistakes.

Rice Kneeling

Kneeling on uncooked rice is an age-old technique that leaves painful marks. Be careful with time, as this can scar if done for long periods of time or used constantly. Be present during this to be sure the submissive can take it and listen carefully for safewords. Use this as a time out or have them recite an apology to you as you do this.

Figging

Figging is done by carving a plug out of ginger and inserting into the anus. This causes a stinging pain that ranges in intensity depending on the person. Frozen ginger is a milder form of this punishment.

Writing Assignments

Writing assignments are usually meant to bore a submissive into obedience. Whether it’s writing lines or a random homework assignment, the punishment focuses on making it undesirable for the submissive to misbehave.

Lines

Writing lines is effective if you use it reflectively. For example, for a submissive who is disrespectful, you can have him write, “I will always be polite around my Sir,” a hundred times. For a submissive who cums without permission, you can order, “I will ask permission from Mistress before I cum,” until they fill up five pages. What’s even more fun is making them be stuffed with a toy or on their knees with nipple clamps on while they write.

Apology Letter

An apology letter is a simple task meant to make the submissive think about what they have done, analyze why it was wrong, and have them apologize formally by writing it down. Have them read their letter to you our loud or crumple it up and put in their their underwear for that added perk of remembering all day that they were punished.

Essay

An essay is a good assignment for submissives who don’t seem to understand their rules. Make them come up with reasons as to why these rules are in place and write a formal essay about the reasoning and purpose of these rules. Making them analyze the fact that this is for their benefit will remind them that rules are not just there to be mean, but to guide them to healthier behavior.

Homework

Especially fun for people with school girl or teacher fantasies, assign a random homework assignment. Ever wonder about a certain subject but never have time to actually research it? Assign a paper to your submissive about a subject of your choosing and have them report back to you—because knowledge is power! Grade their paper and reward/punish again as necessary for the quality of their work.

It’s important to remember that reinforcements are also important in addition to punishments. When your submissive follows directions, reward them. Give them a treat or praise them and thank them for being so good. If you mix positive reinforcement with punishments when necessary, they’re sure to be trained in no time!