Titles & Honorifics

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Alexander Martin:

Everyone in the scene has preferred titles but it isn’t simply about preference, it is also a part of identity and can sometimes tell you about the person you’re dealing with.

Dominants often use: Sir, Alpha, and Master

Submissives have used: Boy, Faggot, Bitch, and Omega.

Personally, i choose Sir. I choose Sir because it is formal, using it means speaking respectfully to me. I do not use Master. Aside from feeling a bit theatrical to me, i do not feel i have earned the title “Master”. I have not mastered many skills yet and to an extent i personally believe there is always more to learn so i’m not sure “Master” would ever fit me.

Under @Alexander Martin, i did an entry about the differences between fags, boys, and omegas. While i do believe in what i wrote, i primarily was writing about the motivations of submissives as i see them relate to the titles as i’ve experienced them in the wild. Understanding those motivators is very important and in fact, had i not taken the time to understand @bredbeta, he would not be my boy today. His primary motivator is respect and his preferred title is boy.

When you meet someone and you don’t know what else to say, it is a useful kick starter to ask what their preferred title is.

Make Dominants Earn Your Loyalty

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Alexander Martin:

Hey all, a bit of unsolicited advice to newer submissives. I’ve been talking to a couple of guys lately and they all have one theme in common. They gave up too much information or power to a dominant before they’d ever met or during the very first meeting and that guy never came back.

It is in your nature as submissives to surrender power to dominants. But you need to make him work a bit for it. Giving dominants too much power too quickly, too easily can scare him off making him think you’re trying to commit very quickly. Alternatively, you can give him no limits on the first meeting and get hurt, or even just say yes to things that give you pause to make him happy only to find he wasn’t actually interested in a second play session.

The truth is that in all of BDSM submissives have the power. They have all the power because they have to give that power up to dominants in order for a dominant to have any power over them. Learn to relent a little bit at a time, and only fall into a man that’s shown he wants to stick around and is worth your submission.

ukstudentalpha:

This is great. I have one caveat however.

“Submissives have the power” is a really great message, but I feel like it’s worth expanding upon this idea.

A submissive doesn’t owe a dominant their submission simply by virtue of their preferred (or natural) role. Sure, they might be submissive, but they won’t necessarily be submissive to that specific dominant.

But the same concept applies in reverse. I don’t owe anyone my dominance. Entitled and demanding submissives are a huge problem for dominants, and lots of subs don’t know where to stop pushing.

No one is owed another person’s body, or a chance to engage in a certain kink with another person. So just be respectful and sensible. If you’re a sub, approach a Dom in a friendly way. And the same goes in reverse. Doms who introduce themselves with abusive orders, and subs who introduce themselves with degrading statements and demands of abuse or control… they’re struggling to recognize the importance of communication and mutual desire.

So be nice, and sensible, and don’t forget your manners. When you approach someone, be positive and communicative above all else.

Alexander Martin:

An excellent addition worth boosting!

hadriantemple:

One of the hardest things for novice subs to do is to say no to a dom. All a sub’s instincts tell him to submit and say yes, but not every dom is worth submitting to. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, trust that and don’t submit. A good dom will take steps to make you feel comfortable and that you can trust him.

neswpnw:

This cannot be emphasized too strongly or repeated too often.

thesidekink:

This is an interesting discussion. I have never been comfortable with the idea of one person holding all the power in a BDSM relationship. Whether that was a dominant who assumed they had power over all submissives by virtue of their position. Or submissives who assume they have more power over doms.

In truth I always felt more like both sides should arrive with equal power to negotiate, discuss and fantasize. Then when it comes to the play the submissive lends his power and consent to the dom. When the scene is over that power ought to be restored through after care or even just treating the sub as a human being afterward. We come back to being equals.

Alexander Martin:

I really wanted top reblog this again for @thesidekink’s comment above. I know that this won’t work for every relationship. Even in my own, bb would bed distressed if he had to make even half the decisions as he views that as my territory and purview. But every single month, I bring up a check in wherein we both have our power equalized to discuss the relationship, how things are going, issues, and good moments we recently had. And during that one time a month we do the work that keeps us together.

I want to reblog this because I wanted to reinforce with the side kink is saying. Even in my power exchange relationship there IS equal negotiation and discussion and that’s just not something we see through the porn and captions contained within tumblr. It’s important for people who want this to BE their life not just their sex life to see that aspect to it clearly.

hadriantemple:

Those ‘equal conversations’ are really important for a master/slave couple, especially early in the relationship. They allow the sub to express his concerns in a way that doesn’t challenge the master’s authority. They need to be frequent at the start of a relationship, but can become less common as time goes on if both sides feel things are going well.

neswpnw:

Great discussion. Tumblr at its best, as a forum for better understanding power exchange relationships.

hypnotistformuscletoys:

I love this thread. Subs should support each other, and be sure to submit in a smart, healthy way. There’s plenty of extreme fun to be had, but safety is always number one.

daddysqueerboylove:

This is fantastic. I already have trust issues, and it took me a long time to trust daddy enough for me to fully submit to him. Daddy has always been patient and understanding, and his patience has always made me want to give him more.

Why Some Gay Men Should Worry More About Their Maturity Than Their Masculinity

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Anonymous: I think this is worth a read for a developing Dom… or a developing sub for that matter. It dovetails with one of the big points I get from The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance where the author stated it was the job of the Dom to be a safe place for a submissive to express his submission. I think this is part of that.

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David Hudson says notions around masculinity belong to another age
David Hudson

I don’t tend to expect enlightenment from gay hook-up apps, but I was struck by the words I read recently on one man’s profile.

‘My dad taught me that a real man is someone who makes others feel comfortable in their presence.’

What an admirable quality to aim for: to make others feel comfortable and at ease around one’s self. How many of us consciously or unconsciously strive for that?

To make others feel comfortable shows compassion and kindness: two qualities not linked very often with masculinity.

Instead, masculinity is linked with ‘courage’, ‘strength’, the impulse to hold it all together and not talk about our feelings.

Most of us know how toxic notions of masculinity can be. Statistics show suicide to be the number one killer of young men in many nations. Men who tried too hard to hold it all together or didn’t think they could ask for help.

Gay men, in particular, struggle with notions of masculinity.

We often grow up in societies that tell us we are the antithesis of masculine. Sometimes this leads to over-compensation. We adopt ‘straight-acting’ personas or hyper-masculine clothing, as if to say, ‘Look, I’m just as much of a man as anyone else!’

Thinking more on those profile words though, it occurred to me that ‘making others feel comfortable’ shouldn’t be a ‘man’ trait.

The writer’s father no doubt came from a more gentlemanly age: one defined by gender-specific manners. Today, gender lines are crumbling. Trans models feature on the cover of fashion magazines. Toy stores are eliminating ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ sections. High-street clothing retailers are following suit.

‘Making others feel comfortable’ is not a ‘man’, ‘woman’ or non-binary thing, but surely just a sign of maturity? Something we all, as adults, should strive for.

But we don’t. Some people feel empowered to intimidate others. Some people get a kick out of putting others down. Others can’t wait to point out the faults or shortcomings of friends or acquaintances, whether their criticism was sought or not.

Again, sometimes gay people are guilty here. In fact, for a whole raft of reasons, often rooted in poor self-esteem, internalized homophobia or shame, I’ve known gay men to behave in a very immature fashion.

The ‘bitchy queen’ stereotype exists for a reason.

I’ve been there myself.

Of course, behaving in an immature fashion is not the preserve of LGBTI people. Successful individuals and powerful figures across society – even world leaders! – can behave with a shocking lack of maturity at times.

That’s when it occurred to me: rather than getting tangled up in whether I’m masculine enough, or manly enough, the bigger challenge is whether I’m behaving with maturity.

Anyone can ‘act’ straight. It’s much harder to resist our more childish impulses.

Did I behave like a man? Or did I behave like an adult?

Rather than promoting yourself as ‘Masc4Masc’, you may be surprised how much more of a catch you are if you strive to behave simply like a compassionate grown-up.

@davidhudson_uk

Women in Leather Bars

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I went to the Eagle a few years back with some of my gay male friends and I had on this sweet strapless floral dress. I was told I didn’t belong there by the bouncer, like a warning and then a few patrons. I was disappointed because if they didn’t say anything I would have felt fine but I think I made them uncomfortable. I kind of understand, I wonder if I went back dressed appropriately if I’d be welcomed. Or is this just for gay leather men? I think this is a bar you have mentioned.

It all depends upon who you are with.  If you were clearly with a well-respected local leatherman, and dressed in a rather butch outfit, nobody would chase you away.  Probably.

It’s not YOU, personally, that is a problem.  It’s the fear that you will turn out like so many women who show up in gay leathermen’s few remaining bars.  They show with some NON-leather gay buddy, who has no interest in our culture.  He brings his women-friends from work, so that they can gawk at the leathermen.

They get drunk, and start shrieking.  They go up to strangers and, without asking first, grab ass, pecs or biceps. and make demands for attention.

It’s a fact that gay leather bars can also feature men covertly cocksucking, piss-drinking or much, much more.  A woman in the mix can be an unwitting symbol of a disapproving woman from years past, in a gay man’s mind, so inhibitions turn into anger.  If a woman stays, gawks and judges harshly, then many men will leave.  Or worse. step on their toes on purposeful or spill their drinks on them.  Very passive=-aggressive.

If I am present when this happens, I go into Grumpy Tribal Elder Mode, and give the following lecture.  Obviously, I would NEVER say this to a known, respected kinky woman.  This stern speech is reserved for somebody who doesn’t know or respect the Tribal culture:

This is a Sacred Male Space, and You Are Intruding

“This is not a place for you.  We are not monkeys dancing in a cage for your entertainment.  This is a space that is a refuge for a culture that needs to heal.  We have had a Holocaust, and you haven’t.  Gay men are losing our spaces where we can work on our social graces and flirting techniques, face to face.  You are disrupting our treasured environment.
If men showed up at an all-female space, it would turn into a testicle-clipping party.  You can’t believe in all-female space, if you aren’t ALSO willing to allow for all-male spaces, too. If you want to be a high-quality ally, then do it in a respectful way, somewhere ELSE.”

Bootblack Etiquette

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Papa Tony:

If you're lucky, you will attend an event for kinksters that includes a bootblack, busily shining and treating leather gear with loving attention. For many folks, this is not a common occurrence, so here are some tips to help you to understand what is going on, and how to behave:

1. Don’t interrupt a bootblack and customer unless you have prior permission to do so. If it’s clear that what is going on is more than a “regular bootblacking” and is bordering on a scene, DO NOT STEP IN. A tap on the bootblack’s shoulder is an easy way to get their attention without being intrusive. 

  

2. Don’t touch someone’s kit without permission. These are like our toy bags– you wouldn’t grab someone’s flogger from their bag without asking– don’t grab someone’s polish/rag/brush/etc without asking first.

3. If you are a customer, pay attention to the bootblack at hand. A bootblack is not just “Hired help”. They are giving you their attention, please do the same. Cruising the bar (it’s usually a higher seat and makes for a really good vantage point), or playing/being played with is acceptable and encouraged. Playing on the phone, is not.

4. If you are a customer, please tip. Bootblack supplies aren’t free. 5-20 dollars is appropriate based on what is done to your boots or other gear.

5. Bootblack does not equal submissive. Please ask before doing any touching, fondling, or other “top-like’ activities.

 

6. Women are bootblacks at leathermen’s events, too. Imagine meeting the coolest, most open-minded, wonderful human being you’ve ever met, who would never dream of cock-blocking you, shaming or judging ANYTHING in a negative way. You have a true sister, ally and lifelong friend in front of you, Behave accordingly.

7. Enjoy yourself. We love what we do and there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing someone fall in love with their leathers all over again.

 

Update from @FurryGuy2:

#8. Watch the bootblack at work, ask a regular customer or event organiser “How is today’s bootblack?” before deciding to put your $$$$ Wesco/Dehner/Chippewa boots under their care. I am very fussy about my boots and how they are polished. I have also seen some disasters happen with unknown bootblacks. It is imperative to TELL the bootblack your preferred polish level and any products that have gone on the surface previously.

This is wise advice. I had forgotten about the time that I attended a fundraiser around ten years back, in another city. I didn’t realize until too late that the volunteer bootblack had NO idea what he was doing. I figured it out when he started slopping black goo all over my meticulously-maintained, bright-yellow Kevlar stitches. It took my slave a long time to fix it later, using a yellow grease pencil. Stitch by stitch.

UPDATE: Where to Learn Bootblacking

This book seems to be a good resource.