Recently, the boy and I met another Dom and have had a couple scenes with him. It is something I’ve been wanting to do, but also something that I have been a little apprehensive about. We’ve had scenes with other subs that have been very enjoyable, but in those situations, the power dynamic is straightforward; two subs submitting to me.
The lines of control are clear, I have complete authority over what happens in the scene. With another Dom, the lines of control do not converge, and the scene would have two directors. Still it was an experience I wanted the boy to have, so we went forward.
The result was an incredible experience for the boy, and also for me. The Dom that joined us was incredibly skilled and had a compatible view of the role and responsibilites of subs and Doms to my own. That made it easier for us to work together.
What was amazing was the opportunity to share the direction of a scene, and get insight into how someone else approaches Domination. It was so much fun being able to learn from someone who had a different skill set, and at the same time contribute my own skills. I got so much pleasure from watching my boy respond to another Dom.
As for my boy, the experience of submitting to two Doms was incredibly powerful. He fell so deeply into subspace, it was beautiful. Another aspect was the feeling of shared responsibility. Being able to step back for a moment and watch the scene progress without my direct action was so enjoyable and freeing. Knowing that there was shared responsibility allowed me to relax a bit more and enjoy the scene.
Overall it was an incredible growth opportunity to me. I gained some insight into some techniques I would like to master (definitely need to start building some rope skills), but also allowed me to reflect on my Dom persona, and gain some insight about what I want to keep, improve and discard.
It was also a wonderful boost to my self esteem to be in a situation with a peer and be able to work effectively as a partner. It was a great reminder of how kink is a journey, and the fun is in the learning and growth that happens the more you explore and make connections.
hadriantemple:
We doms needs to do things like this. Experienced doms need to share their skills and wisdom with each other, to help nurture the younger doms. As @dyger notes, it requires sharing the power in the scene, but I've learned an enormous amount when I worked with other doms.
Talk with the other Dom beforehand and figure out the scene. Maybe that means scripting it a bit more than you normally would, or maybe it just means deciding how your two skill sets can fit together. Maybe it means one dom taking the lead and the other helping or just watching. But there is a great deal of pleasure in watching a fellow dom do what he does, and the joy of men being men together can be profound.
And almost every boy I know loves the idea of having more than one dom using him.
Papa Tony:
In the process of training new Sirs, I have shared many, many scenes. My slaves know that their submission to other Sirs is part of the job description. They always feel safe, entertained and valuable. I make sure of that, and other Sirs would never DREAM of disrespecting or over-doing anything with my valued slaves.
I have been saying for years that human beings are just Troop Monkeys... Pack Apes, who learn by observation. This means that you COULD try to learn by reading a lot of web-pages, or watching Youtube videos, but there's no better way to get the sense of the FLOW of a scene than by being present and attentive when new pleasures arrive.
I had a moment recently where I had a boy that i wanted to come and serve. He was kinda nervous about service. We weren’t going to do anything particularly out there kink wise and to be honest, i shortchange new boys on intensity the first session. It puts me at ease to know that i’m just using the first time as a way to find my boundaries and learn what he can take and what he enjoys. Nonetheless, he was coming across quite scared of being tied up, of submitting. In the end, he succumbed to fear and i angrily sat cursing him under my breath. I started thinking back to how far i’d come when it came to kink.
I remembered that i was once scared to have submissives serve me too. I remembered how scared i was going to Magnitude during Folsom 2014 (made scarier by the fact it was my first time in San Francisco and the neighborhood was a bit intimidating at night.
I’ve written a bit about fear because not only it something I’ve grappled with from time to time, but if you asked any dominant who is being honest i think he’s been scared too.
New Dominants - From the men i’ve spoken to, this is THE scariest moment in a dominant’s lifetime. It is nerve wracking because in the moment we fear a bad reaction from a submissive. We fear he’d spread word of any mistake we made. Or possibly very worst of all, that a boy might know EXACTLY how afraid i am and that my dominance while genuinely felt, is bravado in that exact moment we first met.
Experienced Dominants - Men who have been playing regularly or have had several submissives over the course of the year would qualify as experienced. They still get afraid of complicated situations or when they are stretching their skills from time to time. The difference here between a new dominant and an experience dominant is that an experienced dominant has already messed up and it was ok. (see here for my first experience messing up) Failure teaches lessons and that knowledge steels us against worry in the future. We’ve been through a tough time here and there and it made us capable of handling more.
Masters of Dominance - When I say Masters, i mean that these dominants have at least 20 years of experience. First person i ever broached the topic with was my mentor about this but won’t quote him directly. I’ve spoken to some other men his name provided access too. Masters of dominance do sometimes experience fear but it’s usually in very limited circumstances when something goes wrong with a complicated scene (take suspension for example). In the few men i have spoken to, they came across as unshakably confident. They are more than prepared to handle EVERY eventuality that comes across their path and are outright relaxed, able to fully enjoy their play without holding back.
My response:
This is 100% accurate. A big problem in bdsm porn is that it rarely focuses on the dom’s headspace. Why does the dom want what he wants? What is his experience of the scene? What concerns and fears does he have? The result is that in the porn, the dom is simply all-powerful, all-knowing, all-compotent. That might be hot for the purposes of jacking off, but it sets a very high bar for new doms (and even more experienced ones). One thing I seek to do in my writing is offer a window into bdsm from the dom’s point of view, so that novice doms can avoid some of the common mistakes.
Papa Tony:
This speaks to me, and I'd like to speak from then viewpoint of a man who has been running kinky scenes since 1977:
I have fears, insecurities and hesitations, just like everyone else. The difference is, I have learned how to filter-out problematic situations BEFORE they show up. I don't have the patience (or energy) to take on some wildly out-of-control, disobedient or inattentive submissive. He needs to be a grownup in many ways, before he gets a chance to ride the Tony Train.
My life has reached its limit on immature subs, so I use my favorite tool: some one-on-one time, over coffee, in a neutral space like a coffee-shop. I spend some focused, quality time with the prospective playmate to judge HIS suitability.
For MY pleasures.
If we aren't a match, I thank him for his time, clearly and kindly let him down (no ambiguity) and move on. After all of this time, I have learned that I am not
- a light switch that can be turned on in an instant, or
- a Chinese menu, where the sub can choose one from Column A, and two from Column B.
I will be happy to consider his desires, but first, I want to take him on a whole new rollercoaster of pleasure that will make the eyes roll back in his head. I don't expect him to know what the plan is. I will take care of that.
I just want him to TRUST me. That's a big part of the hourlong chat over coffee. If he won't extend trust, even after I am being metaphorically naked before him for a full hour, then I lose interest. I am pretty convincing, so a disconnect is rare.
The bottom line is that I am confident in my ability to thrill most subs. I don't have any desire to thrill ALL of them. As I tell the Sirs who I mentor:
"Just because somebody is being NEEDY, it does not obligate you to be FEEDY."
hirsutehindquarters said: Do you have any audio recordings for training subs to cum on command?
Papa Tony:
Nope - Generally, I have to be in a particular mode of thinking before I remember to reach for the audio recording device. If I am pigging out in pleasure, then the thought never occurs to me!
I am assuming that you have read this article, before asking. As one clever follower says, I am giving an excellent example of Operant Conditioning. I suggest further study on the topic.
In my own case, I never use negative training. Positive reinforcement works very well for me.
nachtsoul said: Definitions of terms in BDSM appear to vary widely. I am curious as to where you define ‘slave’ and what inner change in you made you go from non-owning to owning… and just what owning means to you. I have two boys of my own and a prospective third. In thinking on our relationships and their evolution, it leads me to curiosity about what it would mean to evolve Sir/boy to Master/slave, not that I think any of them is of a mind to go there. But I wonder anyway.
Papa Tony:
I am in no mood to make apocalyptic, all-encompassing and definitive declarations about what is right and proper. I make no pretense of being anything but what I am.
By being metaphorically naked before everyone (you see that I don’t hide very much), my goal is to be a role-model for others in similar circumstances.
Like you, good brother.
I Was Trained By My First Slave
You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was wary of taking him on in that way. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.
I found that I LIKED what the slave proposed. We started a process of making new agreements that continues to this day.
I will refer only to my first slave in the remainder of this article. I will brag about the OTHER slave in future writings.
The Slave Wanted Chastity
He already owned three cock-cages. I had had no experience with this.
Or, so I thought.
As it happily turned out, I have been into orgasm-control for my entire adult life. In my youth forty years ago, I used to delight in attending huge, blue-ribbon Championship-Round fuck-parties. I was famous for going from sling to sling, and FORCING ecstatic, full-body orgasms on anybody who wanted one. I used techniques that I have shared here and here.
I liked taking the choice of timing away from them. They liked to think that they knew what they were only possibly capable of? I would show them several steps beyond what they could imagine. It’s my ferociously-kinky desire to blow the top of their head off with pleasure.
I have had dozens of men chastise me over the years, saying “After you, I haven’t found anybody nearly as good, damn it!” That’s why I happily reveal what I know. I want everybody else to succeed.
Yes, I am bragging, but then…. It’s not bragging if it’s true.
In any case, I took to chastity-play with natural enthusiasm. It really rocks my boat! We are “cumming-up” on our ninth anniversary together. He hasn’t had an unauthorized orgasm in most of those years, and he doesn’t want another one, for the rest of his life. He now cums hands-free, nearly every time.
Nowadays, I like to make it harder and harder for him to cum. Countdown timers are nice - If he doesn’t cum by the time the timer goes off, then he’s back on chastity for another week.
Then, when he succeeds, I make the time SHORTER, next time. Very sadistic. I never promised the slave that his training would be easy.
The Slave Wants To Be Fully-Owned
We do not live together. He has a long-time, vanilla husband, as do I. So, the lovely 24/7 live-in submissive slave thing is a great fantasy, hut not practical for us.
So, we see each other a minimum of once a week, but usually several times a week. This is a good description of what usually ensues. Show it to your subs - It may appeal to them on some levels.
He has told me hundreds of times that I own every part of his body, his soul, and his orgasms. They all belong to me. I take that responsibility very seriously and pleasurably.
What I DON’T mention enough in that article is the service aspect. I have taken many joyous, gloating photos of the slave cleaning my home, while naked, collared, butt-plugged and cock-caged.
He also opens doors for me, bathes me (and washes carefully between my toes, (to head off athlete’s foot). He takes care of my leathers. He gives sensational foot-rubs.
The slave shaves my head and face, and makes all travel itinerary plans. He handles details that I might otherwise miss. He happily covers every aspect of serving my rather unique needs.
I am a Master who lives in a nearly-constant state of exalted deep thought (I call it “Big Brain Mode”). It can be exhausting. I need the focused services of submissives in order to function well.
Yeah, the slave is taking care of ME, but after he has completed his tasks, I rock his WORLD. Every orgasm that I allow him is a 10 out of 10. No exceptions.
He Rejoices In My Kinky Pleasures
He is not even remotely a Pain Pig. In fact, he would be perfectly happy if he never had any pain for the rest of his life.
If he didn’t know me.
Instead, he grooves on the happy, happy noises I make when I have him strapped down and vulnerable. I throw my most extreme toys and techniques at him, and he is gratified, every time. After all of these years, I can still surprise and stimulate him. He gives me constant feedback with his words, his fantasies and his behavior, which helps me to up my game.
His pleasure comes from knowing that service to me includes satisfying my sadistic nature. I can allow the Beast within me to walk the streets, and still know that I am a good man, because he is so grateful afterward.
If I go for a long period of time without going all Neanderthal on him, he will start dropping heavy hints in order to fire-up the boilers. I do get stuck in my head sometimes.
He Like To Be An Object
Being hooded makes the slave VERY happy. He likes to hand all of his power away to his trusted Sir. This started out as my idea, and he just went bonkers with pleasure.
I loan him out to other Sirs for kinky play, in my presence. They eagerly ask for my permission to play with him, because he is maximally exciting and pleasurable. I’ve never met a sub who could do what he does, in terms of pure, stimulating feedback.
Any Sir who plays with him turns into a flame-snorting lustmonster, and who makes a beeline for us at every play-event, afterward. I have been doing this for years, and have never had reason to regret it. The Sirs who know us also know that I am vigilantly protective of my fully-owned property.
I do not loan him out for sex. That is reserved for the two of us, by mutual agreement.
Here Is A Good Story, To Illustrate
I like to take the slave to international kinky events, like IML, Folsom Street Fair and the like.
I will hood and shackle him, and walk him through the crowd, guiding him with a hand on the back of the neck, and a few words: “Stop. Step up on the curb.” I like to eventually “park” him in a public place. I jam three fingertips into his chest, which is our mutually-understood protocol meaning “Stay Here.”
Then, I walk away.
I am well-known, so while I am standing thirty feet away in the crowd, dozens of folks will come up for a hug and a blessing. I will visit with them, and then say “Do me a favor - the slave is over there - Use him as if he belonged to you.”
I can do this because I KNOW what will happen. The folks that I send over would never, ever disrespect me by abusing my property. They make a few mild gestures at teasing and torturing him, along with some dirty talk, and that’s it. This pleases and excites me, and the slave glories in his submission.
I Honor The Slave’s Deep Devotion
I am courteous with the slave. His desires DEFINE him, so I would never dismiss or ignore them. He is 100% present with me in his slavery, so I return the slave’s respect and devotion with my own, entirely-honest feedback. I use these phrases, and many others, but only if they are my truth.
The more that the slave submits, the more that I dominate. He gives me feedback, so that we grow together. His hunger to serve, please and sustain my needs are vitamins for my soul, so I never miss a chance to SAY so.
I assert that my natural kindness, courtesy and sweetness only add to my value as a Sir, a Dom, and a ferocious, slave-Owning Master.
Why Listen To Only One Viewpoint?
Let’s let the slave explain, in his own words. These recordings were made after a couple of intense play-scenes, while cuddling in bed during aftercare:
“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”
I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.
If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.
This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.
I am going to say this once and for all:
If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.
If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.
If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.
Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.
Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):
-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.
-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.
-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.
-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.
-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.
-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”
-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.
-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.
-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.
-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.
-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.
-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
-Doesn’t care about your feelings.
-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.
-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.
-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.
-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Do you…
-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue. Read this and learn.
Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.
It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.
Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.
A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.
Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.
THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.
I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades. Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor. I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.
When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.
I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life. He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do! Why would you ask?” I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy. I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.I tell him that his years of experience at:
• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers. Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life. He is already a rich resource. His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.
It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.
Anonymous: Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.
Unknown author:
Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you.
First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things.
And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.
A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.
A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.
A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.
A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.
A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.
A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.
A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.
A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.
A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.
A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.
A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.
So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too.
I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.
Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.
coolatmastersfeet: SIR ! Thank YOU for Your blog ! Could YOU describe, for us subs, what it feels like to make another man kneel and submit ? How do YOU feel when a man beg YOU to be Your slave ?
Unknown Author:
I very rarely make men get on their knees and beg. It seems very… cliche? I don’t know. In my experience, subs are really bad at begging, not because they don’t want to beg, but because they don’t know what I’m looking for. They don’t have any direction in how to beg or what for. Most people aren’t on-the-fly creative, and unless you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about begging, you run out of stuff to say really, really fast.
Instead, I get a guy on his knees, or all 4s or whatever, and I’ll touch them and tell them how much I appreciate their body, or their submission, or their willingness to please me. This has a number of advantages.
First, it calms the sub down. Particularly if I’m with a new sub, they’re in a new space, with a new man, in a situation where they have to be extremely vulnerable. Men will shake and get scared. There’s so much going on in their head, and as an alpha, I have to spend time emptying their head out, so they can focus on just one thing at a time.
Second, it gives them an opportunity to listen to the language I want to hear. If I tell them what a good pup they are, how much I love their waxed cunt, how beautiful their beard is, then they know what kind of language to use. They know that I want to hear them tell me they love being my pussyboy and that their cunt is hungry. Bad interactions goes like this:
Dom: What are you?
Sub: I’m your slave, Sir
Dom: No, you’re my faggot. You’re a fucking faggot
Sub: Yes, Sir, I’m your faggot… apparently.
Dom: Who’s your Master
Sub: You’re my Master, Sir.
Dom, That’s right, faggot. Thank me for being your Master.
Sub: Thank you, Sir.
Dom: No, kiss my feet to thank me. I don’t want to see you face.
Sub: Okay. I’ll do that then……
Anyway. It gets old, having to keep correcting a sub. Why not just give them all the answers first? Work toward empowering your sub for pleasing you. Not punishing him for not succeeding at tests you didn’t prepare him for.
Third, It allows them to get close to me and feel a physical presence. So much of power exchange is physical exchange. There is an energy transfer when you’re in the presence of someone, and having the proximity to touch them and look at them and worship them freely is extremely powerful.
Silence is powerful. There are times when I’ll have a gut in Position 1, and I’ll get down on one knee, and put my face very close to his and just look at him and touch him slowly and share his air. it’s amazing to be down with a sub, in his space, but still in control, rubbing your beard against his face and just letting your energy to connect.
If you’re an alpha the most powerful thing you can do with your sub is to connect with him. And you can’t do that with showy begging and demands and corrections and complex protocols. You have to lay the foundation of connection first, then build the protocol and behavior modification on top of that.
A sub has to KNOW YOU in order to serve you. If you act like an emotionless wall, you become unreadable and unservable. In order to let your sub be vulnerable, you have to be a little vulnerable as well.
Kneeling and submission make me feel very powerful, but only for a moment. I know the real feelings of power are in all the small acts before and after that which make me feel truly powerful.
I’m a new Dom and I wanna know, how do people afford all this? I had to work overtime to afford an event. I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal?
Papa Tony:
Of Course. This Has Been True All Along.
It’s too easy to get caught up in the pageantry and the one-upsmanship of what we see on Tumblr, at public events, or in the general media. It’s primate nature to put on dominance displays to assert an unassailable position in the hierarchy.
For goodness’ sake - you’re a Dom, and the obviously more Domly-Doms got there ahead of you! How is anybody ever to compete with that? Easy… don’t.
It’s part of dominance displays to convey nonverbal communication. It’s not much different from lizards doing push-ups on a flat rock, showing off their colorful bellies and inflating their throats.
I found this image at random. Please don’t prejudge these men.
Folks with the most impressive gear and gew-gaws may not even consciously be aware that they are blowing new folks out of the water. It’s just primate chest-thumping on a subconscious level.
None of it is to the advantage of the new, the shy and the uncertain ones. That’s why so few of them stick around, after bouncing off of the indifference of others. Sound familiar?
The Law of the Jungle prevails. Usually. Here is How We Get Past That.
I’m happy to tell you, kinky success has NOTHING to do with competition, what you wear, or how much you spend. Really.
In the gay leathermen’s titleholder contests that I have judged, a common question is something to the effect of “If I am dressed in a pink bathrobe, underwear and fuzzy slippers, am I still a leatherman?”
To those of us who have been around a long time, the obvious answer is “YES!!!” The distinction shows up between two phases: “Wearing Leather,” and “LIVING Leather.” This is expressed in the phrases “Damn! I look GOOD in this,” versus “I can’t wait to thrill the hell out of my sub with this!”
Not everyone shifts into the second stage. That’s normal, healthy and fine.
From what you say, I see that you are poised to join us in the actively-kinky Tribe. Good for you!
Mastering the Craft
You can spend $500 on a kinky toy, just like I can buy a gym membership at the swankiest fitness club in town. The concept is the same. It doesn’t do you any good if you don’t apply yourself. I know folks with massively complete toy collections who are mediocre (or worse) when it comes to thrilling the submissives. Oh, the stories I could tell!
Brag Alert
I can go to any huge, international kinky play-party with a single toy - an inexpensive flogger - or even no toys at all, and every sub in the building will want some of what I am sharing. I have honed my technique, my sensitivity and perception, and my desire for excellence, and it SHOWS.
I have been a new guest at kinky play parties with over a hundred participants where the entire building empties into the area around me, forming two semicircles (completely spontaneously), just to watch what I can do with the one, simple toy that I brought to the party.
Yes, I am bragging. But I say all of this to make an overarching point. I know my stuff, because I never stop learning and growing.
Chuck Norris
The “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor was in the movie “Enter the Dragon” as a martial artist. If you’ve studied the defensive arts, you will notice that he doesn’t demonstrate hundreds of styles and techniques, and that’s good. He doesn’t need to. The few things that he DOES know, he demonstrates with grace, balance and supreme expertise. He kicks ass at kicking people in the head, primarily.
It’s The Same in Kink
You don’t have to attend eighteen years of Kinkology Kollege before you are worthy of respect in the community. Others may disagree. Don’t listen to them. Try a few perverted, twisted things to see which tickles your fancy. Once you’ve tried the buffet, dive deeper into what pleases YOU the most. Strive for excellence that pleases and satisfies YOU.
Once word gets around that you are the local Rope Guru, or the Oracle of Hot Wax, and that you care deeply about growing, learning and sharing, word will spread. Subs will actively seek you out. A lot. Other Doms will befriend you for all of the best reasons.
Credibility is Currency
Many folks think that money is the most important currency. I disagree. I LIKE money. However, I know better. Money can’t buy ANY amount of credibility.
Being a solid citizen: dependable, authentic, diligent and dedicated to excellence, will attract folks with similar viewpoints and skill-sets. Living in integrity takes you out of the realm of “COMPETITION!!!!,” and over to the side of “Kindness And Cooperation.” Look forward to a long life full of friends who support and sustain you.
Don’t be fooled or impressed by $3,000 outfits or $20,000 kinky furniture. They are delightful, but they are beside the point, unless your deepest desire is to astonish people with swanky belongings.
Welcome to the Newly-Arrived Dom
You are new in the Tribe. I honor you. We ALL had to start somewhere. You are one hundred percent as valuable as I am in our community. Yes, I have been on the same upward path of personal growth for decades longer than you, but we are ON THE SAME PATH.
In return for any help that I offer in my writings and videos, I ask that you return the favor by helping new superstars when it is YOUR turn. There is no rush: Take care of your OWN needs in the meantime.
I wish you great success in the realms of dedication, expertise, honorable ways and constant growth.
Welcome aboard!
Anonymous: Despite your sadism, you come across as a considerate, courteous and even courtly individual. I'm not sure I'd be able to reconcile those aspects in me if I had them. If you don't mind my asking, how does one do that?
Unknown author:
Thank you for the observation. I had not thought of this dichotomy as somehow being contradictory. To me, it is simply a matter of accepting who and what I am and living accordingly.
It seems to me, though, that we all have such dichotomies. I have a friend who has a slapstick, silly sense of humor that seems to always be in the forefront. Yet, he is also one of the most serious and profound thinkers I know. I know of others who seem to be intensely rational, always leading with their minds. But they also have very deep feelings which come out at times and even overwhelm them for periods at a time.
So, I am not sure there is any contrariness, much less contradiction, to being sadistic, even intensely so as I am, and also being considerate, courteous and courtly. Just different aspects of my personality and person, each of which I hopefully express at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way.
I should add, though. When I was young I was not as accepting of my sadism as I am now and wondered if there was something wrng with me that I not only enjoyed but was sexually aroused by hurting another man. It took me some time, but I came to peace with it and accepted who I am.
In many ways, it was similar to coming to peace with my homosexuality, but accepting the sadism was harder.
Today is a day when I need a boy to curl up to me and look me in the eye. No spankings, no protocol, no chains, nothing. Perhaps, a plug.
Just an evening where his presence is greater than any session. After all, we’re not all made of adamantium steel alloy.
Doms have these days.
The murky sea of the internet, and the facile fantasies that are trawled up there, are full of Dom’s and Sub’s, who lack all human feeling’s, and emotion. The reality, for the vast majority of BDSM player’s is totally different. Dominant, or Submissive, under our leather, and rubber skin’s. Master, or Slave, we are all human, with the panoply of feeling’s, and emotions that come with the the human condition.
As a dominant male, I am not simply a Submissive’s fantasy. I am HUMAN, unafraid, and in no way ashamed, to show my true feeling’s.
“I need to be myself; to laugh, and cry, to be happy, angry, sad, hard, dominant, loving, gentle, caring, and sensitive - at all times. Nothing gives me more pleasure than being with someone I care about. Someone, who in quiet moments, I’m comfortable doing absolutely nothing with, other than being totally myself, and being accepted entirely, for who I am in that moment.”
Dave Gregory dgbastide-blog
Papa Tony:
For The Last Month, I Have Been Ill.
Some kind of nasty lung infection. This means that I have been weak, vulnerable, crying sometimes, and fearful.
I’d love to take the slaves out for hot ‘n sexy leather events in town, or have some raunchy fun. After all… That’s what a REAL LeatherMaster does, right?
Instead, I have been spending a lot of time gasping and coughing in bed, and needing rides to the doctor’s office. When we arrive at the hospital, they VIBRATE with watchful vigilance, wanting to be there for whatever I need.
During that same time, my slaves and sweet husband have been angels of loving support. I joke that they have been using sharp elbows with each other to be the first one in line to help me, but they truly have been coordinating plans together. That way, I receive maximum company and caregiving.
They have been with me at every step: vigilant, focused and ideal for my every need. I wouldn’t feel so much better at this point, without their help.
Once I’m past this crap, I will step back into my power and THRILL the hell out of them. I will be full of honest gratitude.
I’m smart enough to know that I am living at the very peak of long-term, kinky Dom experience, because I have also seen how my loving Leather Family reacts when I am in the depths of fear and illness.
I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle. Any help or advice u could offer would be greatly appreciated.
-LMS:
This is one of the most common questions I get asked, so first just know that you’re not alone in this.
The phrase “maybe I’m not dominant enough” makes me think you are probably making one of the biggest mistakes that new doms on the scene make. See, it’s not about displaying dominance. It’s about showing that you’re someone worth submitting to.
Actively trying to display dominance often has the opposite of the intended effect, especially when you don’t really know someone. It comes across as laughably childish and poorly conceived, an idea that stereotypical “alpha” behavior is what attracts submissives. I can tell you for sure that this isn’t the case.
Every submissive partner I’ve had has sought me out. I am not in the habit of approaching people. Most of them didn’t even know I was into kink or identified as dominant until they asked. It’s not something I go around broadcasting.
I was always curious about what it was about me, specifically, that made submissives look at me and go “that’s a dom”. So I asked. I’ve asked every single submissive partner I’ve had what made them seek me out.
I expected some of them to say it was about my look. I’m a broad shouldered, barrel chested, square jawed old fighter and I know that appeals to some people. But not a single one of them said it was my look.
I expected some of them to say it was about my presence; I walk the earth like a man who fears nothing and it’s noticeable. But nobody said it was about my presence.
I expected some of them to say it was my drive; I finished my MBA at the top of my class and have a reputation in my field for being someone who gets things done in ways most people never will. But none of them said it was about my drive.
The answers I got from all of them were nearly identical: They saw the quiet confidence with which I held myself. They heard a humble certainty in my words. They observed that I always did what I said I was going to do and always treated people with kindness, regardless of who they were or what they did. They saw that I lived mindfully and put a great deal of thought and consideration into the way I spoke to people. That I put others before myself. That I genuinely cared about the well-being of everyone in my life.
And I know this isn’t an answer that most who have this same question will like. Because there isn’t a big, easy “NOTICE ME” flag you can fly here. The way, the ONLY way is a long journey of self-improvement. Because all the cockiness or bravado in the world isn’t going to make anyone want to kneel. If that were the case, every Frat Bro in the world would be a dom. The only thing that makes someone want to kneel to you is for them to look at you and know that you are someone they can believe in.
I’ve been talking to a boy that was very surprised that “I’m so nice to strangers on the internet even though I’m an Alpha”. I just showed him basic decency and talked to him. I didn’t do anything else. But him praising me for not being an asshole reminded me of a few other boys that I came in contact with. Those boys said the same thing. And it got me thinking…
I think it became acceptable to think that an Alpha, a Dom or a Top is also an asshole. At some point people starting putting confidence, power, strength, assertiveness or just plain masculinity with being an asshole in the same pot. And these are all different things. Maybe that’s why there are subs out there sending $25 through PayPal to an idiot with dirty socks and thinking they’ve served an Alpha. Maybe that’s why so many of you see your bullies as your Alphas. Maybe that’s why vanilla gay couples feel that the “Top or Bottom?” question is intrusive and innapropriate, because they are still ashamed of the way they have sex.
Some of you may not be ready to hear this, but : YOUR BULLY IS NOT YOUR SUPERIOR. A true Alpha is not an asshole. Yes, he may have qualities you lack as a sub. Yes, he may be more masculine, more assertive, more dominant or have a bigger dick. Yes, he may want to degrade you or humiliate you, he may slap you or piss in your face. But an Alpha doesn’t do this because he hates you, he doesn’t do this because he hates himself. He does this for completely different reasons, none of them being hate. If he hates you, you need to run away from him. If he hates himself, he’s too weak for you.
I may never completely understand the submissive mindset, because I’m just not wired like that. But I do know one thing : there are enough Alphas worthy of service in this world and if the man you’re reaching out to is being an asshole - he’s not one. Move on. Serve a man that deserves and appreciates you as an inferior.
A sub’s job and purpose is to improve the life of Alphas. If you’re serving an asshole, you’re not serving an Alpha. You’re serving a bully. Period!
The biggest difference, aside from the way we play, between a ‘vanilla’ romance and one that is between a Daddy and a boy is Truth. You can be honest, forthcoming and truthful with a partner in a vanilla relationship but it is different between my boy and I. There are no filters, no need to carefully phrase or edit our thoughts. He doesn’t have to pretend to be anyone around me, I know he’s my boy and he knows without question that I am HIS Daddy. There is a depth of honesty within ourselves that leads to the Truth being a cornerstone of the life we’ve built together. I am my truest self with him, from cuddly Daddy bear to rough Dom Daddy; I can change, be different from moment to moment, and he will always know where he stands with me. He has that same freedom: to grow, to change as he needs and to be himself in whatever form that takes.
2: Honesty.
It can be easy to forget just how much fun it is to be ‘kinky’ when there aren’t rules beyond what feels good to enjoy together. There’s a smile when he asks for what he wants to happen, almost shy, more than a little sexy and definitely impish: it says this is naughty and i love it. That honesty, about sexual desire and how you want to play it out, is a real joy. No need to hide things away, just share them and let them out into the open. “Spank me Daddy” doesn’t get me hard because I like spanking him. It turns me on to feel his body come alive when he’s being ‘naughty’, horny and happy.
3: Freedom.
I don’t need to control him. The need for power isn’t something I feel nor would seek to satisfy if i did. My pleasure isn’t rooted in a need to control or dominate another person. I use those things as tools, toys in my chest of secrets, to unlock pleasure in my boy and he loves it when I am that way with him. My own arousal comes from feeling him break inside, the incredible release of his true self being able to come out into a safe place and to be happy without fear. It is his freedom to be himself, in an unconditional way, that is part of what makes a Dad/son different from being “lovers”.
4: Belonging
For a boy it’s different when its your boyfriend or partner or lover. When it’s your Daddy there is an entirely different feeling. He could be yours 24/7/365 or just for a few hours on the weekend, but that doesn’t change this feeling you get that he’s always been there and always will. For me it’s the same idea. There is a sense of continuation, of what I am being part of him. His place in my life is like my left hand: I’d be lost without it. He knows that what I love about him doesn’t age, gain weight or diminish with time. I love the ultra-boy within him, the one I’ve seen him grow to become. In return he loves the Daddy that calls him ‘His’. Call it ownership, possession or any other word you want, but it comes down to the solid fit when two pieces lock together making a whole. That is the belonging that a Daddy and his boy feel together.
#5: Power
I don’t mean the cheap thrill of throwing someone around that a bully gets. I mean the real power a True Master, Dominant and Daddy wield: change. The day to day life of studies, work or just dealing with people, can grind you down and make you feel less than you should but I can bring that to an end with just a few simple words. It doesn’t happen immediately but slowly over time my words become a power to rip that world apart. I can make it all go away and stay away for as long as you are in my arms or presence. They become nothing more than shadows trying to push into the spotlight I shine on my boy. Being able to banish those things, to allow my son to emerge and be himself, is the power that I wield. A lover can make you forget but Daddy drives them away as easily as the monster under the bed.
#6 Being his Beast.
The same thing that guides, nurtures and frees him also protects him. To him I am a juggernaut, a force of nature and an unholy terror to anything that would threaten to harm him. I’m the thing that steps out of their nightmares and reduces them to a simpering child crying for mommy. He knows that I would never raise my hand in anger; my weapon of choice can’t be blocked by armor of any kind because I exercise my vital powers as a Daddy. Being the monster that loves him, picks him up and carries him to bed to hold him until he sleeps, is part of what being Daddy is for a boy. I don’t ever have to do anything like that. I may never have to leap into action, but he knows in his heart that Daddy would do anything to keep him safe. He’s right on all three counts. I would do anything to protect him, I am his beast, and I do belong to him just as he belongs to me and that I don’t let people hurt what’s mine.
#7 Daddy is home.
None of this is bound to a bedroom, dungeon or playroom. When he is with me, no matter where it is, he is home. Everything I am in our house, I am for him when we are together out in the world. I can kiss it and make it better or scare the monsters away with my roar. He’s safe, he’s happy, he’s himself. It could be in the gutter surrounded by cardboard or in a mansion on a hill; the only thing that matters is that he is there with me. He can walk beside me, stand behind me, or lead me to where he wants to go. When Daddy is with him wherever he wants to be is safe and he feels secure there.
In no other context in my life have these been true the way they are between Daddy and his boy. It’s almost like becoming the archetypes, the purest expression of the very idea of what Daddy and son are. He’s my successor, my legacy and my joy. I’m his guardian, his teddy bear and the gardener that helps him grow. I am Daddy and he is my boy. At the end of the Day that is all that matters.
Papa Tony:
I can’t help but notice that everything here is what we WISH for from our own genetic fathers, but rarely get. In my own case, my father was not any of those things, and never wanted to be.
Male Grief
This concept has been around for decades - Among other things, it encompasses men’s sadness that they never got what they needed from their own fathers.
Decades ago, the advice columnist Ann Landers commented on Father’s Day by blessing the Stepfathers. These men provided positive male role-modeling and support, even though the kids were not genetically related to them.
This goes double for the gay-male Daddies. A Daddy with the philosophies mentioned above is a positive force for good in the world.
bondagebudtx:
Have subbed for years and am about to Dom for the first time. We discussed it being your basic tie down spread eagle (got cuffs and a great wrought iron bed), with TT, CBT, maybe some electro, edging and milking, and I’ll set up safe words and cover limits, but how do I prepare for the session to ensure it’s good? Do you have a plan/roadmap of activities or do you play it by ear? How long should I plan for? Build in breaks? He is pretty experienced.
This is why I always like subbing. Domming is hard work!
You’re off to a great start, by being communicative with your study buddy, before the session. Remain communicative during, as well. My sessions run from an hour and a half, to maybe three hours. Some go longer.
Once the guy arrives, I always take a few minutes to sit and talk, to go over a few things.
1) The first thing I tell the guy is thank you for being here, immediately followed by the “Don’t-Try-To-Impress-Me lecture.” I explain to him, “Once the session has started, do not try to impress me. I’m already impressed; right now. You’re here. You’re willing to try. You’re ready to trust me. So, trust me: I am impressed already.” I continue with, “so after we start, if something is pinching or biting or tingling, but you assume I’ll be annoyed that you’re whining—don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If you hear your cell phone buzzing, and you need to check the messages, but you’re worried I’ll be impatient to untie you–don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If something is taking you out of a good/fun/pleasureable place, don’t assume I’ll think less of you if you speak up–don’t impress me by toughing it out.” “Its your job to let me know if something is taking you out of a pleasurable head-space. Let me know if something is beginning to cross that line from pleasure, into a pain that is distracting you from the fun we’re having.” “Its my job to correct the problem; I’m not a mindreader; you’ve got to speak up and let me know if something is beginning to go in a wrong direction.”
There’s nothing the guy can say or do during a session that might lessen the respect I have for them. I’m thoroughly impressed by every guy that’s lent their trust to me for a few hours. When the guy shows up, and is ready, willing to try: I’m thoroughly impressed.
2) I give the guy his SAFE WORD(red) and his TIME-OUT WORD(yellow). I also show him my safety scissors; and place them at an easily accessible spot (window sill, counter top, my jeans back pocket) where they won’t be covered up by gear or ropes or shoes or socks, etc. He understands that if he calls RED, it means he’s panicked, scared, or in excruciating pain and I am to immediately cut the ropes and end that part of the session. I do not pause if he calls RED, to ask: whats wrong, are you ok? RED means STOP NOW. If he calls YELLOW I know there’s something that’s not going great, and he needs to let me know. YELLOW means: pause the session; discuss the isuse; adjust what’s not great; and resume the session. He can moan, groan, plead, struggle hard… if he’s not saying RED or YELLOW, its all music to me ears.
I do not attempt to push a guy until he calls RED or YELLOW. Those tools are in place to a) give him the confidence that he will be taken care of at any point the need may arise. And b) it allows me to not have to pause every 40 seconds to ask: are you ok? Are you ok now? How about now, are you ok? Is this OK? OK? OK? OK? Are you still OK?
Ok.
Because the guy has promised me he is busy NOT IMPRESSING ME, and I know he can use Yellow or Red if necessary; all of this allows me to move him along through the session, confident that he’s good with it.
3) I give the guy another tool we can use together: “The 1 to 10 Scale.” When I’m putting him through some CBT or Nip tease, or edging him with instructions–Do not cum yet, I explain that he is to use numbers to let me know how he’s holding up. If the intensity is mild, he can tell me he’s at a 1 or 2. If the intensity should suddenly spike up, he can let know by stating his nips are at a 7, or his balls just went to an 8. If he calls 9, this means he’s on the verge of calling RED, unless I ease him back.
Using the 1 to 10 system, at any point during the session he can communicate clearly how he’s holding up. He can tell me the hogtie has his shoulders at a 6….I’ll flop him on his side, and stroke his dick…”how are your shoulders now?” His mind is distracted… the shoulders are suddenly fine. Or if the ball stretcher has him at a 7, so in response, I’ll hang a weight to his nip clamps, and miracle of miracles, his balls are suddenly no problem.
When I’m edging him, he can call out numbers as he gets closer to cumming. A 7 or 8 means hes almost there. A 9 means if I don’t stop now, he can only hold it back a few seconds longer.
The “1 to 10 Scale” is invaluable for partners who are curious about bdsm, but don’t want to hurt each other. When they both understand the tied up sub can at any moment let his partner know if something is getting too intense by calling a number, it allows the dom partner to erotically “torment” his subby partner, with confidence. The dom is relieved to know he’s not going to hurt his sub, because the sub can give out numbers, 1 to 10, letting his dom know how he’s doing. Or if the sub is worried his dom partner is “clumsy” or too excitable to be trusted, the 1 to 10 scale can keep the overly zealous novice horny dom, in check.
4) Lastly there is my 15 Minute Rule. When the guy is in a tough position, working hard, I keep an eye on the clock. I don’t necessarily tell him this. But if his hear rate’s been up a while,, breathing hard,, balls sore, nips aching,,, I’ll give him relief from the stress. I’ll change his position. We’ll take a restroom break; sip some water. Or I’ll keep him restrained, but with no major challenges to contend with while he catches his breath and his heart rate can settle down. I can also ask him to “give me a number, 1 to 10, where are you at?”
I also can ask the guy, can you stay in this predicament 10 more minutes? If he’s busy NOT impressing me, he’ll answer truthfully. And once he knows this challenging situation isn’t going on forever; when he knows there’s an end in sight, he can relax and cope. Fear of the unknown is a buzz kill; in life; and in bdsm. A little suspense and surprise is hot.
Communicate before the session, and during. Demystify the experience.
An advanced, kinky technique called “Orgasm Control.”
Introduction: Setting The Goal.
I have two male slaves. They are both sixty years old. I have been training them for years, using positive reinforcement, keen observation and fierce, unswerving determination.
I have them both trained to go from completely flaccid, to full-body orgasms in less than sixty seconds, while using nothing but my voice. I have done this many, many times.
When an earlier submissive was 61 years old, I made him have seven orgasms within a two-hour play-period, until he begged me to stop… “It feels like my spine is coming out of my cock!”
I can also issue a command for them to cum during a play-scene, and they will, within seconds.
This has NOTHING to do with penis size, or any other physical characteristic. It’s sheerly seduction, and the power of the mind.
It Ain’t Bragging If It’s True
The purpose of this article is to teach other Doms the same techniques.
FIRST, you have to KNOW that such results are possible. None of these sexual trainings are ever featured in porn. You can search the Internet all day, and not find similar information, because it requires subtlety and perception. This is advanced-level stuff.
Controlling Orgasms
Each of the sexual results that I listed above, fall under the topic of Orgasm Control. It’s a definite and desired specialty. It’s a perversion that is all about domination. The current conversation about Cum Control is nearly all about cock-caging. I’m a big fan, but cages are sort of a sledgehammer technique. I will be teaching in a very different direction.
My History
Where did I get the necessary techniques? Well, I didn’t make them up on my own. Back in the 1970′s, I had gone from enduring a repressive childhood, to openly gay, and then eagerly diving DEEP into the gay-male Kink/Leather/Fetish crowd.
As I have said before, I have Topped an enormous number of men, at hundreds of huge fist/flog/fuck-parties, and in smaller groups. Afterward, I would always ask “How could I have done that better?” Many of the men back then were deeply experienced sexual athletes, and they would gladly answer my questions.
I was using sex to draw men of all ages closer to me, and then get my REAL payoff, which was earned wisdom. I was ferociously driven to improve my abilities. Unlike so many men who enjoyed those times to the fullest, I didn’t die. So, now I will reveal what I learned….
Investing For The Long Term
If you are still in the phase where you are “liberating your dick,” (interested primarily in QUANTITY of sex), then these instructions might be arriving too early for you. Bookmark this page, and go have a great time. That’s a natural and normal phase.
Once you have transitioned naturally to the search for QUALITY in interpersonal dynamics, come on back and try again. I say this seriously, because there has to be a deep desire to rock a long-term, collared submissive’s world… To metaphorically lift off the top of his skull, find the big, red button in his pleasure center, and then JAM your thumb down on it.
The way that you start is by being in a long-term, mutually-investing relationship. Wildly-successful Orgasm Control usually (USUALLY) isn’t possible with a casual, one-time fling, though I have accomplished it. I will explain how, later.
Interviewing The Sub
Let’s say that you are a Dom Top, with a freshly-collared submissive male, who wants very badly to please you. His whole life is focused upon your pleasure. It’s time to get some information.
Demand feedback at all times. Before, during and after a scene. Pay attention to what words or concepts get him the hottest. Notice the patterns of his desires, even if he doesn’t realize what he is revealing. Drill down to what really rocks his world.
Example: If you have issued orders for him to send you an email with five fantasy scenarios that excite him, even if they scare him, you might notice that nearly all of them bring up some form of basic, narrow desire: immobilization, or gangbangs, or breath control. That’s a good start. Keep that in mind for later.
No two subs are the same. Your goal is to learn everything that you can about THIS one.
I Am Not Describing A Chinese Menu
A lot of times, an eager Sir will veer toward becoming a Service Top, where the effort of pleasing the sub can be all about the sub, to the point of forgetting about our own needs. The trap that we can fall into is where we get the sub’s fantasies presented to us on a plate, and so we pick one from Column A, and two from Column B. This is called the Chinese Menu approach.
I urge my fellow Sirs to step away from that trap. The goal is to make note of what the sub wants, and then to add your OWN desires to the mix, so that we are gently training the sub to expand his basic desires into new, exciting and pleasurable areas.
The Positive Feedback Loop
This is best accomplished by using ONLY pleasurable rewards. Inflicting unwanted stimulation provides negative response, so we don’t do that. If you are going to attain the result of playing your sub like a violin, then you have to be constantly dedicated to polishing your technique. Each scene needs to build toward the next one.
When I am training a new sub, I make sure that he consciously notices when something wonderful happens. I never miss any opportunity to reward desirable results.
As one example: If he can’t control himself and cums “early” during a scene, most men will apologize. After all, porn orgasms don’t happen that fast, and he is sure that he must have screwed up. Instead, I praise him, saying something like “I LOVE to see a man cum so easily. Men with a fast trigger are the ones who are the most trainable.”
Just like that, I am programming him in a particular direction. He wants to please his Sir, so he lets go of his inhibitions and his old, shame-based judgments about himself. I am creating a new, pleasurable reality for him. The deeper he goes into further submission, the more that he pleases me, and he knows it without question, because I keep rewarding him.
Everybody wins.
Wisteria Vines
I tend to use visual metaphors. So, here is one of my favorites:
When two tendrils of a Wisteria vine meet each other, they twine around each other, and start sharing their growth together. They will grow one way, and then another, but always together.
I use this metaphor as a description of how two dedicated kinksters can enjoy years and years of pleasurable interaction because they are exploring TOGETHER. Shit happens, life intrudes, things aren’t always optimal, and yet, we keep on growing. Together.
So, What Does This Have To Do With Orgasms?
Easy, cowboy… All of this is relevant.
In order for a man to shift away from easy, I’ll-just-jack-off-to-porn patterns of getting off, he needs darned good reasons to do so. When he has a Sir who focuses upon his pleasure, then entirely-new possibilities open up. His envelope of experience keeps expanding. That’s the ideal scenario.
Making Powerful Declarations
Our surrounding culture doesn’t put much positive emphasis on being responsible. It’s kind of a throwaway concept.
Not in my world.
When I get a new sub off, and it’s the best orgasm that he’s ever had, and he’s all astonished and pleased, I make a powerful declaration: "It only gets better.” This astonishes the sub, because he can’t imagine how that could be.
I am the one who really benefits from that declaration - It forces me to keep my word. It is a statement of what I stand for, and what my intentions are for the future. I am a man of integrity. I may not have any logical proof that I will deliver better and better orgasms, but I am wide-open to possibility.
When I happily strive to make it even BETTER for him, time after time, then he relaxes and trusts me even MORE. He drops whatever shields he may have had, because I am demonstrably the kind of man who follows through.
I am programming him to succeed.
Cumming On Command
If I am training a sub to orgasm when I tell him to do so, I plan for it over a period of months. Each time that I succeed in getting him off, I watch to see when he is getting close to cumming, Just before the point of no return, I ORDER him to cum. Well, he was going to, anyway, but now, it had the added bonus of making the Sir happy. That makes HIM happy.
This means that he is being programmed to please his Sir with orgasms. Each time that we do this, it gets easier for him to please me. His old concerns and considerations fade away. He is becoming more animalistic and uninhibited. He starts cumming more wildly, and more thoroughly. Orgasms last longer, and take over more of his body.
Cumming Multiple Times
In some cases (the sub that cums quickly as a natural reaction), I will have trained him to cum multiple times. I shove him right over the edge into complete pleasure, using what I know will excite him the most. We cuddle for fifteen or twenty minutes, Then, I do it AGAIN. He doesn’t have a choice. I am domming him into uncontrolled ecstasy. I am being sadistically pleasurable.
After a few months of relentlessly-dedicated training using positive reinforcement, then I have complete control over all parts of him, including his orgasms, which belong to me, now and forever.
Using My Voice
Hark back to what I said about gathering information about the sub’s deepest fantasies. He has triggers that always push him over the edge. It’s my pleasurable duty or seek these out, and to exploit them.
After rewarding a sub for cumming for my pleasure for a few years, then I can use only my voice while he jacks off. I talk dirty, but honestly. I verbally express my honest fantasies that involve the sub. This makes him go nuts with pleasure. Blam! Time to scrub the walls.
Doing The Same, But With A Newbie
This is ridiculously easy, as long as you understand one thing about subs: Their dirtiest fantasies almost ALWAYS involve gangbangs. If you were to walk into an Adult Store and peruse the porn shelves, a large amount of it involves one sub being fucked by many men. This is hardwired into human sexual natures, despite what we have been taught.
It’s neither wrong nor right. It just is. So, knowing that, we Sirs can exploit that fantasy. I recently wrote about the pleasures of being a Pimp Daddy. Not every sub is ready to do that, and his concerns are valid and important.
HOWEVER, if I declare that we are now entering entirely into the world of fantasy, and that my goal is to get him fucked properly by lots of juicy cocks of different sizes, then BLAM! - He’s so hot that he can’t hold back any longer. I gave him express permission to dive deep into what excites him.
I just used my Dom influence to make him more of a sexual beast.
In Summation
I am not saying that all of this will work for everyone, every time. However, I do say that a strong desire to own every orgasm is how we build success upon success. A deep, laser focus on sexually dominating a sub always pays off big in pure, eager submission. It’s the perfect win-win scenario, and we create it over time.
Hello Papa! What’re your thoughts on a total power exchange where the slave could be given away to other Masters? I would willingly submit initially to this for sure but then it’d be up to my Master who i’m sold to.
Papa Tony:
This topic is one that is dear to my heart. Slutty subs have needs, too!
I LOVE a sub who wants to be “The Good Time That Is Had By All,” personally. I’ve had dozens of submissives that I have shared with other Sirs. Being as protective as I am, I have always made sure that everybody ends up creating very happy memories, with no conflicts, and no stepping over any lines that would upset the sub, or break a trust.
Obviously, if you are up for it, then the responsibility shifts to your Master in a big way. Hopefully, he has made some declarations about what the rules will be going forward, and that none of them are to your disadvantage. You have the right to call a halt at any time.
If the sub is wearing my collar, then his emotional, sexual and physical well-being is my responsibility. If somebody wants to bring him harm, then they would have to go through ME.
I lay no judgments on how this fantasy comes true, as long as everybody involved has fun, agrees with the plan, and stays away from lasting harm.
BIG WARNING!
If you DO follow-through with this plan, don’t tell other subs what you are doing. There are so very few high-quality, visible Sirs. If your submissive competition finds out that you are hogging-up all of the Sirs by yourself, they are going to hunt you down and kill you with a shovel, greedy boy! 😈
Thank you for your recent post about low cost high quality floggers. I may have to invest in a new one thanks to you. Your post did also bring up a question I have regarding floggers, what is the best way to clean them after use? I always hang my flogger up vertically when not in use, and after using it on a boy I mist/spray it down with isopropyl alcohol. While I’m sure this will disinfect the flogger, i’m not sure if this is the best way to clean it. Any advice?
Papa Tony:
This web page speaks for me when it comes to cleaning. If you are REALLY rigorous about disinfecting, then there are ultraviolet sterilizing devices designed for beauty parlors that can take it to the next level, but they are tedious to use.
This picture shows a GREAT way to murder somebody. Electrical contacts across the chest? Any expert kinky player can tell you right away that this is a VERY BAD IDEA.
It’s an easy way to incur a heart attack, and inexperienced Doms need to be warned away from such dangerous practices.
nachtsoul:
So for Florentine, there’s “getting the moves down”, and then there’s “accurate targeting and control” while you’re doing it. Still working on the first part. :-). I’d be intensely curious to see some discussion about the second part… actually putting it to effective, appropriate use in a scene.
Papa Tony:
This video shows the practical application during a constantly-changing scene:
The “strike” zone never changes, no matter how advanced the play-style. We aim for the upper and middle back (where the muscles and ribs protect the internal organs). I tend not to use Florentine anywhere else on the sub’s body.
I use Florentine flogging as “spice” during a play-session. It is powerful, it is special - Most folks never get to be on the other end of two floggers, and it can be quite memorable.
In my own case, I switch from style to style of erotic touch, caressing, gentle warm-up, varying intensity, and constant variety of stimulation. I can arouse and excite using sharp, deep, cold, gentle, forcible, sadistic and hilarious styles, all in one session, switching between them from moment to moment.
Florentine flogging is just one more superb tool in my arsenal.
The Current State of Flogging In The World
If I show up at most worldwide play parties, the Flogging Tops generally use only one style of flogging: Grip the handle, throw the flogger over the shoulder, and “THWOP!” Repeat.
This Top is using the “Baseball Bat Two-Handed Throw.” His arms are probably very tired after demoing at the street fair all afternoon, so that is why his other hand is helping.
The video demonstrates the overhead Power Throw. This one lacks subtlety, but it gets the job done fast. Personally, I tend to use a lot more warmup before going for the gusto. Everybody has their unique, personal style.
I see this style in porn videos, too. Hot fuckin’ TOPMAN looks great, and yet has no idea what he is doing in this BoundGods video. He’s beating the kidneys, he’s striking the lower back HARD, he never checks in with the sub, and nobody has ever loved him enough to warn him against those things. And the pounding goes on and on.
It’s like he is auditioning for the movie role of a Roman Centurion. He is not being bad or wrong, He just never got the benefit of high-quality mentoring, to help him get to his next level. That’s why I post these articles.
Florentine Flogging Gets You Noticed For All of the Right Reasons
When I step up at a play-party, I show off my flexibility, sensitivity, attentiveness and expertise. The line of eager bottoms gets longer and longer, and my dance-card fills up FAST.
The primary reason why I teach my personal style is that I want folks to know that magnificent and impressive play is possible. All that it takes is practice and self-motivation. Mastering something like this guarantees instant status and respect, wherever you go. I want that for everybody.
It does help. Understood about the strike zone never changing… just trying to connect the dots between doing Florentine and actually hitting the strike zone. :-). So far, so focused on getting the moves right, that targeting is poor. Practice, practice, practice I guess. Fortunately, practice is fun.
Acknowledged on variety in style, too, I definitely mix things up as I go: changing intensity and technique through the session, usually - but not always - saving hard, brute force thud for the finish (when flogging), and a larger proportion of intense strikes when singletailing. I vary a lot with that to play with my sub’s refractory response :-)
It sounds like you are on an excellent path, brother. THE ONLY WAY TO ATTAIN PERFECT AIM IS THROUGH PRACTICE. So, like I always recommend, set up the pillow hooked into the top drawer on the dresser as I mention in my videos, put on a podcast over headphones (or anything that takes your logical mind out of the process), and work on your muscle memory.
By practicing. Just a few hours of focused, intentional practice can make all of the difference.
The Desired Strike Zone
The goal is to create a perfect pattern such as this one, for a sub who is standing. Obviously, this shows the result from singletail work. Flogging doesn’t make these kinds of marks. I only include it for the sake of clarity on the desired strike-zone.
The bottom MUST have an upper-body angle of at least 45 degrees for Florentine work, when standing. Otherwise, you are hitting the shoulders and neck. This is never good.
What helps with learning Florentine at the stage where you are, is to listen for the RHYTHM. If every strike makes noise, and the pattern is even, you’ve learned it.
As always, if anybody wants personal coaching via Skype, I am always happy to give tips. I want everybody to succeed.
