Male Chastity? What's the Point?

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Anonymous asked : I don’t understand the point of locking up. What does this do? Why is this attractive? Not trying to judge but trying to understand why the gusto for “caging” a dick.

The Silent Alpha

Fair question.

Everyone can love chastity for different reasons, of course, just like any other kink. Here’s why I do:

Chastity takes away a boy’s ability to use his dick. He can’t jerk off, he can’t penetrate anything, he can’t stimulate it, he can’t get hard. To me (and to a lot of people) the dick is the ultimate symbol of masculinity. So when a boy doesn’t have access to it the feel of masculinity alters. He’s no longer in control of his dick, it is now controlled by the keyholder. The boy doesn’t get pleasure from it, the boy can’t get hard, depending on the device, the boy might not even be able to see it. It’s emasculating.

Not being able to cum makes the boy very horny. You’d be surprised what males are ready/want to do after not being able to cum for a few days/weeks. That makes him look for pleasure in other places. He wants to be touched anywhere, he wants to touch. In gay boys’ cases they think about dick non stop. They start playing with their ass to get some release so their hole becomes their sex organ. And because their hole is being stimulated and they get pleasure from it, it’s not just a hole anymore. It’s a cunt. They may not want to call it that, but that’s what it is in their head. So we now got a boy who’s hungry all the time, he trembles from the slightest touch and gets lots of pleasure from his new sex organ.

Chastity improves sex for the boy. Not only is he more sensitive, but without being able to cum he will always enjoy sex. If you bottom, you know that if you cum - it’s game over. Your top has to stop because you don’t enjoy being fucked anymore. That problem goes away with chastity. Boy is always ready and eager. That, of course, makes sex better for me. Not to mention the hands free orgasm the boy can achieve after enough time in chastity. Once a boy cums without stimulating his clit, he’s changed forever. 

Chastity also never lets a boy forget who he is.You may be a bottom, you may be a sub. But you don’t think about that part of you when you’re at work or visiting you family or going to parties with your friends. The chastity device is always there, you can always feel it. Horny or not, sad or happy, alone or surrounded by people. You can always feel it, it’s a constant reminder that your manhood was taken away. It keeps you in your place, it never lets you forget that you get pleasure from getting fucked. Every time you need to use the bathroom you are faced with the reality of who you are : male but not a man. That changes a boy. His behavior becomes that of a sub even outside of the bedroom.
Chastity builds up a lot of frustration and tension. That’s why it’s also a great way to motivate the boy go to the gym or be more productive in general. I’ve had a boy with a barely average body transform into a beast after just 1 year of chastity. I’m no longer his keyholder, but he still keeps the cage. He doesn’t want it off, because it motivates him so much.

And most importantly, I love chastity because it sets clear roles. The boy is giving up his masculinity for me, he locks it up as a sign of surrender. My dick becomes the only dick in the room and he’s just holes. I’m his Man, he’s my bitch. Fucking a boy while watching his soft clit in his cage being ignored is just very, very hot. 

I never liked when my bottoms touched themselves during sex. I thought the chastity devices looked a little weird at first. But now I love them. If I see one on a boy it makes me hard instantly. Because that means that he embraced his role as someone who belongs underneath Men. And I love being on top!

Defining Some Structure for a Submissive

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temptingdominance: It’s time for a little conversation.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages. And I think it’s important that we define some structure. There needs to be a better understanding of submission. In fact, if you ask me why I do not have a boy right now, the most common answer is geography and because the boys in my area frustrate the hell out of me.

Why do they frustrate me you might ask? Because for many of them their concept of submission is a rough fuck. Sex and dominance are mutually exclusive. There are deeply sexual elements. Our hormones are at a very high level. We have primal need that engage in in these moments. But we do not need to engage in intercourse to express our dominant and submissive attributes.

So when you message me, and your first comment to me is that you me to fuck you, my immediate thought is that you are just a hungry bottom and not a submissive. You are more concerned with your needs and desires than understanding what I means to be submissive. You just want to get something you want.

I am not saying that when you have a positive interaction with a dominant you cannot beg him to fuck you. Most boys do. However, they do so because they have earned that right to appeal to the Man.

Remember a submissive means bring joy to a Dominant. It means being their for him. It means making him feel good because doing something for another makes you feel good. You feel balanced. You feel connected.

If you want to express yourself as a submissive. Your first thought (or message) should be, what can I do to make him happy?

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

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There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them.

This is not one of those posts.

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities.

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene.

It’s like a fire alarm.

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword.

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them.

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure.

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb.

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list.

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong.

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words.

Stay Safe,

Evie

PS) While I stick to talking about submissives having their consent violated or safeword use complicated in this post, this is only for the sake of making the text easier to follow. Dominants, tops, bottoms, slaves, Masters, switches, littles, anyone, can have their consent violated or have difficulty using safewords in scenes.

Points to Ponder, Pre-Collaring

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realpowerexchange: The negotiation process is a two way street and a strong power exchange relationship begins with a two-way dialog. Listed here are some points for a prospective slave to consider when negotiating with an inexperienced Master:

1. There is nothing wrong in communicating/expressing frustration or anger but always communicate/express the source of your frustration or anger.

2. Have you shared with Master the emotional tie you have with [example] boots in general, jungle boots in particular? Tell him it’s a fetish, it’s part of you and you’d like it to be part of your relationship.

3. Always remember that he has always dreamed of owning a slave, longs for the loyal devotion a slave provides but has never owned a slave before. It’s a learning experience for both of you and you must treat it as such. Make your turn-ons and fetishes known to him during this time.

4. You will always be safe in saying, “Permission to speak freely, Sir!” If he is worth his salt, he will grant you permission and you then have an obligation to say what’s on your mind, express yourself.

5. Remember that never having owned a slave, most likely the majority of Master’s “education” is likely drawn from porn pictures and porn stories. If you expect this to last long-term you owe it to both yourself and your Master what you respond to and what you don’t. Keep your expectations realistic.

6. Use these last few daily emails to give your Master a crystal clear picture of who you really are, deep down and totally exposed, what you like and dislike both inside and outside of a Master/slave relationship; in short, let him see what he’s buying into and I’ll guarantee it will be far more enticing that anything he’s imagined up to this point.

7. Remember that any Dom worth his salt always appreciates it when a sub reveals his inner feelings in a humble and earnest way; it gives him insight into his boy.

8. Always remember that submission is a precious gift and dominance is not a right. There is no greater gift than the gift of submission and obedience and dominance that is earned, not taken.

Just some thoughts…

Master Chuck

The Importance Of A Collar!

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See also:

Collaring… All Types

Points to Ponder, Pre-Collaring

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pupamp: Collars are very special things. Sacred. Important. Special. And NEVER something that should be given without a clear understanding of what it means, by all parties involved. This is all said with the pretense that myself and @mrkristoferweston are better than ever, this is not an issue with our relationship but a reflection of why our relationship works versus recent issues in the community that continue to pop up.

If you EVER give a collar to someone you better be completely clear on what it means and hold yourself responsible as the one who gave it to THEM. Yes the receiving end is equally responsible of being communicative of needs/want/expectations. But recently, I’ve had the horror of hearing of at least 4 individuals coming forward to speak on the emotional abuse they went through because they were mislead about being collared. From the same exact person.

It frustrates me to no end to see people taken advantage of: emotionally, physically, psychologically. I will be the first one to tell you, someone who collars you should show you the MOST respect, love, compassion, understanding and time; not dismiss you for needing a second of their attention or voicing a concern about your relationship.

If the person collaring you ever makes it about you and your assumptions or how you misunderstood what the collar meant, how you’re the problem, or how you’re being needy, THEY have failed as the top/sir/dom/master/handler/daddy.

Papa Tony:

I am offering a similar perspective, from somebody who has been collaring submissives for four decades:

In the absence of gay kinky elders to continue traditions that work well, a lot of misinformation has gone around. The hetero-kinksters, in particular, have some truly peculiar concepts that never fail to baffle me.

A couple of decades ago, somebody did a statistical study. I haven’t been able to find the reference, otherwise, I would post it here. He found that a submissive man who wished to be collared by a well-respected, high-quality Sir had less than a four-percent chance of having that happen.

I don’t believe that the numbers are that low nowadays. Remember, that study was done shortly after the AIDS Holocaust, and NOBODY was steady on their feet. Thanks to so very many high-quality Internet sites where folks can share their gifts of wisdom, the numbers are slowly climbing.

There is more work to do, though. That is why I teach Tops. I never take a day off, because I want more and more of our submissive brothers to get the ethical treatment that they deserve, in THIS lifetime.

So, This Is What Collaring A Submissive Means To Me

In the vast wilderness of kink, there are limited quantities of Doms for deserving subs. If I value somebody enough to tenderly collar them (preferably with rejoicing witnesses), it means that he is claimed as valuable above all others. He doesn’t need to doubt his innate value any more. He is now on the inside.

If somebody wants to bring him harm, they will have to go through ME.

After a particularly wonderful achievement on his part, I will whisper “You keep on earning that collar, over and over, and I am proud of you.” He’ll wag his tail, and continue striving to please his Sir, because he is getting what he wants.

Ending the Collared Relationship

If the Dom/sub relationship ends for any reason, then the collar stays with HIM, forever. He once earned it, it has enormous emotional value for him, and ripping it away from him is just plain cruel. Don’t be that guy.

Crowd Approval and Envy

For decades, one of my favorite collaring pleasures is to take the newly-collared sub to a crowded leather bar. I’ll order him to take his shirt off, and to arrive with me, just slightly behind and to the side.

That way, any idle observers can clearly see the shiny new collar, and that we are together. I’ll stop, socialize and do Top Talk with some of my buddies, after introducing the sub.

After a while of standing with my hand of the back of his neck in the Approving Sir position, I will give him orders, along with some cash: “Step away and circulate through all parts of the bar. Come back in 45 minutes after picking up some more drinks for me and my buddies, and then report on what happened while you were away.”

He’ll come back on time, gasping with excitement. Just a few days before, he had been SURE that a chain collar was a restriction - a way to shut his light and open heart down, by a repressive Sir. He had heard of the bad cases, and experienced some mental struggles when I had proposed collaring him.

NOW, everything opened up for him. He had heard phrases in the crowd such as “You KNOW that you just won the lottery, right?” and “How the hell do I get on that list?” The men in the crowd were green-eyed ENVIOUS of him. He was reassessing the whole thing in a new way, and he liked it.
What My Life Is Like Nowadays

I am serenely comfortable as a slave-owning Master. I gave up my fears and insecurities years ago, because I see that I am my OWN kind of Sir. I resisted calling myself a Master for decades, because I DIDN’T WANT TO BE AN ASSHOLE. The stereotypes frightened me. I didn’t want to become somebody else, just to fit into what I perceived as the typical Master. I have a big, generous heart, along with some serious sadism.

I gave up on all of that noise, and life is so much better. I am the Real Deal, because I SAY so. I made my declaration a decade ago, and it freed my soul to be the best slave-owning Master that I could be.

My slaves adore me, and will do anything for me, because they are getting their goodies, while I get mine. We have a free-flowing, intermixed relationship that continues to reward all of us.

They earn their collars every day, and life is GREAT.

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MasterDomonic:

I’ve briefly explored this subject before in a very simplistic way elsewhere, and will here provide a recap of that information before a deeper look into this very complicated symbol.

Q) What is a collar?

A) A collar is a symbol of ownership and protection

My Own Explanation;

A collar is simply a band of metal or leather. It can be used for bondage, certainly, but that is not its true purpose

It’s true purpose is the same as a wedding band. It is a symbol to the world, I am not my own. I belong. I am protected. I am not alone

I’ve received many answers to this question from many submissives, but this is by far the best I’ve yet read (posted with permission);

“To me, a collar is a willingly accepted sign of a Dominant taking control of a submissive while providing guidance and protection. It is the sign of a submissive accepting a dominant’s authority and reciprocating with service, obedience and trust.”

* * *

“Ok,” you say, “ I understand that, but what about subs, pups, boys, etc who buy themselves a collar? What does that mean?”

Certainly, many who are submissively inclined will purchase a collar.

For some, it just makes them feel submissive, for others, it gives a more “real” dimension to being a pup, and yet for others, it “feels hot” and they imagine a Dom grabbing it and putting them in their place.

In all cases, it’s more than a fashion statement, it is a tool they use to get into the head-space. But at the end of the day, it’s all just fantasy.

They all desire one thing;

They want the collar to mean something.

Whether a Master, Dom they visit, or their boyfriend telling them to wear it because he likes the look, it all “circles” back to ownership, control, and submission of/to another.

When a Master buys a collar for a submissive, that collar still belongs to the Master, just like the sub does.

The Master may refer to it as “your collar”, but this is simply to differentiate the collar that this sub is wearing, from the one another submissive may be wearing. Both collars belong to the Master, they are His property to give, and to keep on.. well.. His property!

At no point does the collar itself become the property of the submissive. If it did, it would lose it’s meaning of protection, and simply become another toy.

Alright, so I’ve been very wordy so far, reiterating the same point over and over about protection, collar belongs to Master, it means ownership, blah blah blah…

But why?

Respect

Respect the collar

Respect what it means and above all; Respect the Man who put it on you, just as He respects -you- enough to place it on your neck.

Remember this as I take a side-path for a moment, and don’t worry, I’ll reconnect.

All restraints that a Master has purchased belong to him. When in any restraint, you are under his control.

But I Myself (and a few Dom acquaintances I know) have a very strict set of rules about restraints.

(Note that this is by no means universal, but no less important for that)

When I cuff a boy’s hands, he may be in the cuffs for 10 minutes, or 3 hours.

No matter the length of time, when I remove those cuffs, his hands are to remain where they are, unrestrained, until I allow him to move them.

This goes for any restraint, including cages. I might open the cage door, but that doesn’t mean you may step out of the cage without my express permission.

I might unbuckle the gag you’ve been wearing for 2 hours. sure, your jaw hurts, but that doesn’t mean the gag comes off. It stays in until I remove it.

However, there are times that I will tell a boy to take off the cuffs, step out of the cage, remove his gag himself, sometimes I’ll tell him to restrain himself in the first place.

The only thing the boy does not ever put on or take off, is My collar.

It is a symbol of My protection, and therefore Mine to place on him.

A sub should never impose himself upon a Master to the point of putting on his Master’s collar on himself.

Claiming the un-offered protection of a Master is a flippant disregard of the connection of a Master and slave.

The opposite is of course also true.

For a sub to put a Master’s collar on himself is pushy, to take it off is disrespectful on a whole nother level.

He is voluntarily removing the Dom’s ownership, protection and care.

As a friend put it “ he made the choice to literally lift (the Dom’s) care, dominance, and protection from his skin. he chose to back off and cross a line”

And a crossing of a line it certainly is.

To remove a Master’s collar, especially in the presence of his Master, is an act of willful defiance, and apathy.

He is blatantly telling his (now former) Master exactly what he thinks of that protection and ownership in no uncertain terms.

There is nothing more hurtful to a Master than this.

There is nothing more final that a sub can ever do, once done, it cannot be undone.

A submissive who does this, has removed all chance of being collared again by a Master.

It all comes down to respect.

No matter the issues a sub faces (aside from abuse), he should respect his Master enough to allow Him to remove the collar.

To not do so, only tells his Master that he has no respect whatsoever for Him, and that he himself is no longer worthy of his Master’s respect.

If a Master cannot respect a submissive, and visa-versa, there can be no bond.

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Positive Things to Say to Your Submissive

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robtwus:

Incredibly important!!!

Doms, Masters, Daddy’s and Men - your boys are meant to serve you, but you need to take care of them too!!!!

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Papa Tony:

I have a few to add:

I am pleased.

You satisfy Me.

Very good.

I do NOT say “Thank You” to a Service Submissive. Not because it is bad, but because it is too common. People all around us say “thank you” as easily as breathing. It’s not much different from carrying a roll of toilet paper, and writing “I love you” on a sheet, tearing it off and handing it to a stranger.

Saying “thankyewvermuch” not as valuable as letting the submissive know that he CONNECTED appropriately and completely with his Sir’s desires.

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Gymger In The City:

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Dear sir Looking for a list of words and phrases that encourage a sub. Saw it once and neglected to save it. Thank you

Instructor144:

Good girl.

I’m proud of you.

You got this.

You can do it.

Look at you go!

I’m here for you.

You’re amazing.

I can’t believe how far you’ve come.

You’re my girl.

You’re my good girl.

Responsibility

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ImLostInVertigo: I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

I learned the first time that he has a fairly low pain threshold, but I wanted to probe the borders of that a bit more to get a better idea of where I could take us. So I started the session with a good spanking and a little paddling. Nothing too intense, but it didn’t take much to get him to the edge of what he could take. Still, he took it well, and I had fun giving it to him.

After we were done, I moved us on to some things I knew he would enjoy more, like having him on the floor licking on my boots. At some point he was enjoying himself so much that he quickly and unexpectedly shot a load all over the floor.

Now, I had given him permission to touch himself, but not to cum. I was glad he had a good time, but I also knew I needed to establish firm boundaries and expectations if we’re going to keep exploring things together. So I calmly but fimly explained to him that he had crossed a line he knew he shouldn’t have, and told him to go get the paddle off of my bed.

I gave him 10 more good licks, making him count each one and thank me for it. I could tell he was struggling with them at the end, which I wanted; I wanted to make sure he understood the concept of discipline early on in his submissive journey. And I was fully expecting to then hold him and explain that his discipline was over, he was forgiven, and we were moving on. But when we got the end, things took a turn.

He started sobbing almost immediately after the last blow. He had turned inward, and the discipline scene had hit on something very deep and very raw. I was disappointed in him. His husband was disappointed in him. His coworkers were disappointed in him. Because he was bad, and he ruined everything….

I had clearly stepped on an emotional landmine. And now instead of it being the ultimately affirming scene I had planned on, he was lost in these powerful feelings of shame and inadequacy. I knew I had to step in and keep him from spiraling down further.

Luckily, I’m pretty good in situations like this. I immediately went over to hold him, touched him gently and told him that far from being disappointed in him, I was vey proud of him! That he had taken his discipline very well, and that meant that all was good again. That he had served me well and I was extremely pleased wth his service. That he was a good boy. That no one was disappointed in him, least of all me. He came back to me, slowly. He finally stopped crying and relaxed in my arms. I asked him what he needed the most right then; he wanted a hot shower.

I prepared one for him, got a towel, and hung out talking with him in the bathroom while he recovered. After that we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked about what had happened. I explained to him that when you start pushing your body in new ways, especially with pain, you can enter into a state of vulnerability that can allow some pretty powerful emotions to come to the surface. That I had been there myself. Many times. That he shouldn’t feel bad about it at all, and that hopefully he actually felt better for having worked some of it out of his system. He left feeling good about it I was just thankful I had been able to help him get through it and understand it a bit.

Having said that. Man. I realized in a new way the responsibility that comes with being a Dom. I care about this boy a great deal, and when I could see how much distress he was in at the end of the scene that I had planned and put him through, I felt awful about it. I’m not saying I thought it was my fault; I didn’t do anything wrong, and I had no way of knowing I was stumbling into a very sensitive area for him. But it was still my responsibility. He was my responsibility. That’s the deal, his service for my guidance and protection. And I could really feel the weight of that responsibility when he broke down. In those first few moments when I didn’t know how far down that hurt had gone, I was really worried and keeping a wave of panic at bay.

I thought a lot about my Master, afterward. I’m one of those people that feels things very intensely myself, and for me good BDSM is a very emotional experience. I have broken down far more severely than what the boy did at the end of more than one hard scene with Master. Christ, I’ve rolled around on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. And every single time, Master has been my rock. Unflappable. He’s always taken care of me, treated me affectionately, given me what I’ve needed, brought me back to myself. He’s always shouldered his responsibility for me in these times with a seeming ease and sense of limitless strength. I could not go to the places I go with Him were that not so.

We submissives/switches should never forget what our Doms do for us, what an awesome responsibility it is to hold the physical and mental well being of another person in your hands so completely. It is not easy, and not for the weak of spirit. In return, we should always give them the best of our service and our utmost devotion and obedience.

Papa Tony:

I have written about this myself.  How we respond when we step on a Land Mine is what speaks for our character.  Yes, there is the potential for utter disaster and stress, but skillful handling can create new understanding and growth for all concerned.  This was handled with compassion and deep caring, by a good man.

Flogging For Beginners (On Both Ends Of The Flogger): Video Instruction

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Papa Tony: This is a tutorial that I recorded in 2014, and then posted on my personal site. It went wildly viral, all over the world. Since then, it has been watched over a QUARTER MILLION times, after I posted it in four places on the Internet.

Watch the one-hour video:  YouTube Version - Alternate Version

It has been described as the first flogging video that teaches everything that you need to know, in a warm, affectionate style. I have put 38 years of experience into this one-hour video. It’s what I have been teaching, one-on-one, continuously for decades.

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Here is the information on the flogger that I currently recommend.  It will be wonderful for 90% of your flogging needs, and it's ONLY THIRTY BUCKS!  I have owned many of them, and present them to my favorite pupils.

For folks who prefer a larger, heavier flogger, here is the link for the “Mr. Thuddy” flogger, for beginners on a budget, and here is the review that I wrote.

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The technical, how-to “Hard Skills” take up a small part of the video, and are covered fully. The rest of it is “Soft Skills”, meaning hard-earned wisdom from deep experience. In short, this is everything that you need to be POPULAR as a Flogging Top:

- How to “calibrate,” so that every new playmate gets exactly what they want, whether they know it or not.

- How to “read” body-language from behind.

- How to be a wildly-creative player, even if you only have one toy.

- Style and performance skills, for those times when the crowd is watching.

- And much, much more.

Everyone that I have taught has gone onward to great acclaim and endless fun.

This tutorial is my affectionate gift to anyone who wants to learn from a mentor, but can’t find one.

Too many gay men of my generation died of AIDS. Two new generations have risen up, without experiencing kind, wise uncles to teach, bless and initiate them. This video is a way of stepping into the gap.

If you are grateful, then please pass it along - We need to re-kindle the culture of mentoring that we lost when so many of us died!

What a wonderful legacy. My name on Fet is PapaTonyinSD, and my email is papatony @mac.com - I love to receive feedback!

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Reviews of This Video

Review from Justin:

When I started learning to throw floggers a year ago… I saw your video ‘Flogging For Beginners’ and it was a game-changer for me… not just for the mechanics and techniques of flogging, but really mostly for BDSM overall, what it’s all about for me, the connection, the interaction, the intimacy.

Fast-forward a year to now: I’ve had some experience on both sides of the flogger (found out I’m a switch, to my surprise), branched out to singletails, and have had tremendous experiences of intimacy with both my SIR, my boy, and some of my friends.

Tonight, I was going through my Youtube playlists (trying to learn Florentine now) and came across 'Flogging for Beginners’ and started watching it again. It’s still GOLD. I’m happy to see it, review it, and reinforce what I’d learned before. Thank you (again) for making this video and getting your point of view and experience out there. It’s made all the difference to me. What you teach dovetails so well with what my teacher here in Seattle presents, and between the two of you, you have had a huge influence on my kink life.

There aren’t enough thanks for your influence, but 'thank you’ anyway.

Respectfully and with gratitude.

Anonymous:  I'd like to thank you for sort of launching me into the bdsm scene. I found your video review of a flogger on Flog Me Baby and it was the first ever toy I purchased. It led me to watch and read more of your videos/blogs which eventually led me to create an account on FetLife and meet the couple I am currently in my first polyamorous relationship with. I am in bliss and exploring more and more every month. It's made me confident in my body & I''ve learned a lot about myself and others! Thanks!

Review from DrFrankenbeans:

So I’ve been hunting for a flogger that has good weight to it and isn’t going to break my meager piggy bank. I’m pretty particular about what I like in my impact toys and tools. I’m really tall (6'8" in my favorite boots), so mass produced lightweight crap just looks and feels pathetic in my hand.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you! I accidentally stumbled across your videos while digging around looking for the perfect flogger. Your videos have really helped me. I’ve done a lot of sensation play in the past, but not much with floggers. Because I’m used to crops and horsewhips I always thought the floggers were too imprecise, but your clear detailed guidance has completely changed my view on them. And the way you treat your subs is absolutely wonderful. Thank you for expressing the importance of not only aftercare, but during-care as well.

Thanks again! :)

Review from Master Chuck:

In the power exchange community, there is a huge shortage of wisdom. There is a vast ocean of Tumblr blogs that feature reblogged pictures with snarky, arrogant and ignorant captions promoting the notion that submissives are “fags” who are “worthless” and “deserve” to get bullied and beat up because some self-appointed “Alpha” stupidly equates being submissive with being weak.

Trying to serve as a counterbalance to the bullshit passed off as fact by the JO artists are a handful of grounded, intelligent men and women who write more from the brain than the heart about subjects pertaining to the safe practice of BDSM and power exchange. Their efforts are appreciated by a core group of followers whose positive feedback makes the investment in time worth it.

And from the background enters a man with so much wisdom to share; not just ideas and theory but skills and technique on how to perform in the BDSM arena and do it safely. The link to a one-hour video on Flogging for Beginners offers so much more information beyond the proper technique used to flog without causing injury; it should be required viewing for every man. and woman who calls themselves a Sir, Dom, Alpha, Master, whatever. And the unique thing is Papa Tony has been teaching Tops how to do it correctly and safely from his “best place on earth” city of San Diego for years.

Here’s the link to the video and I urge everyone who is serious about power exchange to invest the one hour it takes to view this wisdom packed video:

Review from Rob:

Papa Tony’s Flogging 101 video is the best one I’ve seen short of a live session. So far the only live instructional flogging session I’ve been to was on Florentine style before Christmas. Being new to flogging, I just kept nodding my head.

Watching his 101 video and practicing a lot let me actually be a good top and left my girlfriend amazed at how well I did. She’d been flogged before but apparently never that well let alone by a first timer.

Review from Papa Tony’s other slave:

Master,
That was really excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was jotting down comments while watching it, so here they are in a rather incoherent order.

1) You are a fucking fantastic speaker and teacher. You have such a natural gift for articulation and clarity. I don’t think You paused and said, “uh”, once during the whole video. The lesson poured forth from You with amazing organization and clarity, a whole hour! I would have had to practice for a week to give such a demonstration. You really have quite a gift. I remember that first night we met, I asked you if You were a teacher, because Your speaking style is just so good.

2) Your voice is a wonderful bass, and is so sexy. I was hard at about minute 10, squeezing myself. But, then I stopped that so that I could really listen. Still, Your voice could make me cum.

3) I remember once You were flogging me and I said on a scale of 1 to 10 that one part of it was a 5 and one part was a 7. You said, “interesting”, but didn’t elaborate. From the video, You said that You don’t want to go above a 7. In retrospect, I know that I had no point of reference for my 5 and 7. I thought that a 10 would be me crying out in pain and saying stop. So, I think I exaggerated those numbers, and they were actually lower.

4) The flogging didn’t look particularly violent, yet Bob was have quite a reaction. Looks can be deceiving.

5) I liked the part where You placed a strong hand on Bob’s face with the flogger and let him smell it. Let’s try that again. You did that once with me, and I liked it, and it was hot watching You do it with Bob.

6) I’d like to do more flogging sessions with You. You’ve already shown me that You know You have to take it easy with this novice, so I trust You. The video also shows that one of Your cardinal rules is not to damage the bottom, but show him respect and love.

7) The part about the bottom being overjoyed with a flogging session and receiving acknowledgment from the crowd and friends resonated with me. I do a lot of adventure sports on vacation, and that is very much part of the thrill. For instance, doing a bungee jump that only half the guys have the balls to do. Doing a rough rafting trip. Doing river surfing (really a fucking blast). Canyoning, Repelling, Alpine hiking, etc. There is such a thrill in being able to say, “I did it!”. Haven’t jumped out of a plane yet. Need a big guy like You to throw me out.

8) The hand motions with the floggers look easy when You do it, but the novices were very awkward at it, so it is a hard skill. Looked like one guy was in danger of hitting himself in the eye. I said the word “pillow” before you even brought it out, thinking, this guy ought to practice on a pillow.

9) Please do not ever use that razor tipped one on me. I would freak me the fuck out.

10) The discussion of landmines was very interesting. I imagine the intense emotional release that occurs during a flogging scene could really heighten a bottom’s sensitivity, break down some of his armor, and make setting off a landmine very easy.

11) I want to hold Bob while You flog him, so that I can caress him. Don’t know if this would be welcome by him. His limbic responses set off a protective instinct in me that drives a desire to comfort him.

12) The ice water scene was mysterious. I guess I have to experience this, as it didn’t seem obvious why that would be exhilarating. It must be that the skin is so sensitive after flogging.

13) There was LOTS of humor in the video. I was laughing out loud at several points.

14) Again, huge difference between the Master’s style and the guys You were teaching. It’s not easy, and they were lucky to have such patient and caring instruction from You.

Advice & Soft Skills

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Learn solid interpersonal skills, and to overcome obstacles in healthy ways
These are articles that I consider to be of value, based upon the responses that I have received.

You can find the Master Index for every category here.

This page is only one of many categories.  There are HUNDREDS of articles, and each list continues to grow longer and longer.

I hope that you find these articles to be of value in your life.

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Domspace Vs. Subspace - Kept him warm, kept him safe. Easy voice, calm strokes down his body. His eyes wild as I ordered him to breathe with me–count in, count out. And as he came out of that whimpering, inchoate subspace the most…

How to Build Up a Scene - By “scene”, I mean a structured period of play. In a way, you could think of it as “scripted”, having a beginning, a middle and an end, but it doesn’t need to be a role-play.

Oxytocin: It’s Not Just The ‘Love’ Hormone After All - It’s also one of those fun chemicals involved in subspace and suspected in even Domspace. I suspect it is very involved in sub-or-Dom-drop via the rebound effect as well.

Pro-Verbal - When I am teaching a new submissive, I stress the following idea: "The More That You Submit, The More That I Dominate."  The exact opposite is true, too.

Body Positivity: Doing the Mirror Exercise - The first set of instruction is a comprehensive written list of all the parts of my body I currently “hate,” with details. And then I have to give Him the list.

Layering - Layering is the act of placing an action, word, protocol, or anything else intended to make a submissive move into sub space. Layering is a tool a lot of doms use without even thinking about it.

I  Wanna Try Being A Sub But I Don't Think I'm Ready To Be Owned Yet - Ownership is not something I equate to my submission. There is a big difference between subbing a few times for a local Dom to test the waters, subbing consistently with the same Dom(s)

Going On Prep And Going Condomless - I think that a greater degree of caution is necessary in undertaking this approach and that if you (like me) have a partner, you really need to discuss the implications…

Male Chastity? What's the Point? - I don’t understand the point of locking up. What does this do? Why is this attractive? Not trying to judge but trying to understand why the gusto for “caging” a dick.

Defining Some Structure for a Submissive - There needs to be a better understanding of submission…

Making Declarations, for Good and for Bad - In the last year I’ve accepted I’m not a Man.  I’m not supposed to be muscular and dominant and confident.  I’m a submissive boy maybe even a little bit gurl...

Automatically Turning Pain Into Pleasure - a rare and valuable ability.

How to Process Pain - I want to talk about how to handle pain being doled out by a Sir. If you want to get anything out of the intense experiences pain can bring then you’ll need to learn how to cope with physical pain.

Labels 101 - How does a Master/slave relationship differs from a Master/boy one? Is it possible to be a slave to a Daddy? If so, how would it work?

Neediness vs. Indifference: Finding The Balance, Every Day - I get scared sometimes, Papa. What if I find my Daddy but I end up scaring him away with all my neediness?

Supporting Our Youth - Advice from past experience

Abuse vs. Discipline - Being rigorous with terminology

No Safeword is Not an Excuse - The value of checking-in

The secret about D/s is... - Simple and wise advice. There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.

The Difference Between Sadomasochism And Abuse - an excellent standard reference. How do you tell the difference between sadomasochism and abuse? I mean because isn't being a sadist abusing (?) but in a good way. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question I'm just confused.

Every Kinky Term I Can Think of in 5 Minutes and What It Means - This should be a good jumping off point to introduce you to new kinks that you may not have heard of but may interest you…

Folsom Street Fair Tips For Newbies - Every year, there are first-timers who might accidentally miss out by just showing up, without being on the right party lists, and not knowing where to go… The really, really good attractions for kinksters are going away very quickly.  Enjoy what is left while you can!

Pain Play, and Gaining Marks, Explained - There is a lot of good to be said about mutually-enjoyed pain play

The Value of Switches - Given your experience, what is your opinion on switches? I can identify as one of them but I keep walking in a world where you need to be either a top or a bottom, either a dom or sub.

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong - One of the MOST popular articles in my collection: How to be a Sir who succeeds, even when things go sideways

Responsibility - A Follow-Up on When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

Collaring… All Types - Heavily updated, and packed with real-world wisdom: Collaring… All Types, and Points to Ponder, Pre-Collaring. A collar is the most powerful symbol of ownership and commitment in the BDSM community. A collar should be earned, not given lightly.

Positive Things To Say To Your Submissive - Doms, Masters, Daddy’s and Men - your boys are meant to serve you, but you need to take care of them too!!!!

Dangerous Doms - What is your biggest red flag for a dangerous dominant?  Short answer: I am always on alert to spot somebody who uses Force instead of Strength.  There is a huge difference between the two...

Dangerous Subs - The Eternal Victim - What is your biggest red flag for a dangerous sub? Short answer:  Someone who does not take responsibility for their lives, or how their behavior affects others.

What to look for in a Sir - This might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

Bullying - I bring this up because I have found that bullying while present is difficult to immediately recognize in bdsm. In short, if someone is trying to pressure you or trick you into something you genuinely don’t want to do. That’s bullying.

Advice For My Fellow Doms - How to get better at it.  Don't compare yourself to me, or to any other Dom.  That's a loser's game, and you can never win.  This has never been a competition.  You are exactly as valid as I am.  We all had to start somewhere…

Lessons for New Dominants - There were some things I learned tangentially to his lessons that I believe newer dominants needing direction could benefit from…

Advice For My Fellow Doms

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Papa Tony:

I have met tens of thousands of kinky gay-male Doms since 1977.  In the early days, I had dozens of mentors.  In the last couple of decades, I have directly mentored a lot of Doms who have gone on to great success..

Don't compare yourself to me, or to any other Dom.  That's a loser's game, and you can never win.  This has never been a competition.  Sure - I have been doing this a long time.  Very likely, you aren't as far along.  However, we are both on the same path to growth, wisdom, and greater adventures.  You are exactly as valid as I am.  We all had to start somewhere.

There are a lot of bottoms.  There are fewer kinky subs, but there are much fewer Doms with any level of experience.  We are as rare as Snow Leopards.  The market is wide open, and crying out for more Doms who have found their centers.

The sooner that you LIKE yourself this way, the way that you are TODAY, the sooner you'll take some chances, learn some new useful techniques and gain confidence.  Don't wait for some day when you have a bigger dick, a flatter tummy, bigger muscles, can afford a $3,000 outfit or magically become younger.  You are an intense object of desire RIGHT NOW.

For every kind of man, there are men who love that kind of man, despite the messages that you get from Tumblr sites:  "Oh, look!  Everybody is having a rocking good time except for me!  Something must be wrong with my looks/age/skin color/whatever."

I speak with great authority, because I am actively in the world as a man who loves himself, flaws and all.  I carry myself with grace and kindness, and I respect those around me.  If I cared only about exterior beauty, it would be trivial for me to enjoy sex and kinky play with six new porn-actor pretty men, every single day.   When I was young, that was fun.  Now, I need more.

If I go out to public leathermen's parties, I tend to be the oldest, fattest , hairiest man in the building.  And the boys jump all over me, wanting to have some of what I have.  It's all very nice to gain some external validation.  I will admit that.  But I am also sad, because so many of my brothers who WANT to be Sirs suffer from Imposter Syndrome, added onto the usual and typical gay-male Body Dysmorphia.

If you don't have a mentor in your personal life, then here is a path toward confidence.  I guarantee it:

Study my Mentoring page.  Go deep into it, and at least try to do what you are being shown.  There is a lot of accumulated wisdom in there.  Many hundreds of men who have done this have SUCCEEDED, and are much happier.  Don't be a picky creature, saying "Oh, I would never like that!"  How will you know unless you try?  What if it turns out to be your superpower?  I ask that you be open to new possibilities.

Take some chances, and ask for feedback from the subs you are practicing with.  Admit that you are still learning.  I promise, the subs who would reject you for being honest and open are NOT the sort that would add value to your life.

It's okay to fall into self-pity sometimes.  We all do it.  It's the human condition.  After you've wallowed around in your pity-pool for a while, please keep challenging yourself to get to your next level of achievement.  A little bit of confidence can make entirely new doors open for you, that you would never have been able to see before.

The subs are waiting for you to step into your power, and to find out just how big and strong your wings are!

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Please post a reflection about what happens when bad scenes do happen to Tops.
Because we will all experience them at one point or another. So having a conversation on how to navigate that situation might be useful to some people.
It would be great to learn about how you "defuse the bomb" and how you have handled interactions after a bad scene.

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Papa Tony:

It happens to everyone. When fully-agreed-upon kinky play goes right off the road and into a ditch. There are a zillion ways that this can happen. Life would be SO much like really good porn if every scene was successful, right?

We can TRY to head off any problems by meeting at a neutral, public space, such as a coffee-house. Once there, we chat, negotiate and size each other up.

We sit over coffee, with our Bullshit Detectors operating at full crank, so that we can listen to our intuition, and see if both sides can comprise a good match for each others’ desires, needs and wants.

Even so, we can’t always predict how things go... maybe inexperience, shyness or bravado keep us from asking key questions that could head-off potential issues.

Alternatively, no matter how carefully we share information during negotiations, something can always go wrong. In writing this, I am assuming that both parties are of good will and solid character. Obviously, the alternatives are far too numerous for me to cover in a whole series of books.

LAND MINES

The two of you have met, sized each other up, negotiated, and arrived together for a scene.  Play commences, and suddenly, one or both of you realize that IT. JUST. ISN'T. WORKING.

I have talked about this before, somewhere in these many hours of Men's Discussions.

I will summarize:

"Land Mines" are a slang term, and a real possibility in kinky play.  Let's say that the bottom is getting flogged, and suddenly experiences a traumatic flashback to when Mom spanked them, or when a bully tickled them so unmercifully that they peed their pants, and that was a NASTY memory.

Out comes the primal, hard-wired "Fight, Flight or Freeze" response.

Suddenly, the scene changes in an unexpected, unpleasant direction.  The sub can curl up in a ball on the floor, and stop talking.  That's "Freeze".

Or, they can become ferociously angry, and wants to punch the Top.  "Fight" response.

Or, they end the scene, RIGHT NOW, and leave in a hurry.  Obviously, "Flight".

Whether or not a scene that goes suddenly wrong fits easily into the previous premise, how we respond as Tops is what speaks for our character.

RESPONSIBILITY

We can head-off the likelihood of bad scenes by giving a stern lecture about safewords to the sub before any play commences.  Yes, the Top has responsibilities, but so does the sub.

If the sub makes a decision to clam up and go all stoic, then there is no possibility of a two-way Power Flow between the two parties, and this can be a downer, and a nearly-certain likelihood of misunderstandings.

Conversely, if the sub is a "Traffic Cop", directing and micro-managing everything in the scene, then that is the exact opposite of ecstatic pleasure.  Desire does not show up well in the world of logic.

Building a flow during a power-play scene comes from shifting flexibly from moment to moment, finding ways to sync with each other.  Others may disagree, and that is fine.

In any case, neither play-partner has the right to complain after a scene if they have not been responsible adults all along, and staying in communication.

CHOICES FOR THE TOP

So... As Tops, how do we DEAL with a scene that has crashed and burned?  The easiest thing is to broom the sub off of our front porch, and pretend that nothing was our fault.  That's the easy way out, but it's not a very responsible reaction.

If we aspire to become wiser, higher-quality Sirs, we have to LEARN from what happened.  We have to ask what everything looks like from the other side's perspective, even if that knowledge is uncomfortable.

Let's say that we have been roasted over the coals of the sub's anger, frustration and disappointment.  We can try on the sub's perception of us, at least for a while.  We can humbly ask for more information, specifically as a way of gaining an outside perspective about ourselves.

AND...

If we know that we did our best, and that we are NOT the ravening beast that the sub makes us out to be, then it's okay to let go of any self-blame, after some serious self-appraisal and introspection.

What if their anger really, truly belongs to Dad from thirty years ago, wielding a belt of unfair punishment?

What if the sub is angry that we have frailties, flaws and vulnerabilities, unlike porn video actors?

ASKING FOR HELP

I have said this many, many times:

It takes a village to raise a high-quality Sir.

You really, truly aren't going to achieve your finest goals if you are trying to figure out all of this on your own.  Seek out Mentors, yes, but also consider having friends who are also kinky Tops, so that you can be vulnerable with each other, without ridicule.

CATHARSIS

So, what do I do, when a scene goes bad, and I step unwittingly upon a sub's personal Land Mine, causing a play-scene to veer-off into a catastrophic new direction?

I am kind, patient and open to possibility.  I make a declaration:  "I'm calling a time-out.  Let's cuddle".  They may not initially be open to that, but I can be very convincing.  So, we cuddle.

If there is anger, I ask what that is about.  I listen, and I don't argue.  I hold it in my heart that their anger does not belong to me, and that it is finally coming out in a way that can be very good for them.

If there are tears, then I hold them close, and say things like this:

"Your emotions are valuable."

"You are safe with me"

"I am honored that you trust me with your feelings"

"It is healthy to grieve"

“Give all of your sorrow to me, and I will hand it away to the universe.”

I do NOT pat them, or rub them, to distract them from their pain.  That is not valuable, and it is what our stupid culture tells us to do, to stop healthy grieving.  I just hold them, and I am fully present from moment to moment.

I let them talk, and talk, and if they say "Oh, I am talking too much", then I say "No... Keep going".

Once the tears and the talking are over, I invite them to "get back on the horse that threw them", and resume where we left off.  If that happens, in my extensive experience, then that old land mine will NEVER show up again.  The sub is cleansed of old wounds.

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CATHARSIS PLAY, WITH INTENTION

I was doing a public demo, outdoors on the patio of a bar (on the same day that this occurred), and the boy started sobbing during the scene.  Just a bit, because he was trying to suppress his tears.  I brought the flogging scene to a graceful finish, and while embracing him afterward, I made an offer.

"I invite you to come back to me, in a little while.  If you can trust me, I will be your guide on a special, cleansing journey.  It is clear to me that you are ready."

He eagerly agreed, and after I did this scene, he came back to me:

I told him that he is safe with me, and that I will be fully present with him during every moment of what comes up next. I urged him to be fully self-expressed... To let old, suppressed feelings OUT.  If he wanted to please me, then he could just be totally vulnerable, and I would treasure him for it.

So, I began flogging him.  I didn't beat him mercilessly, to FORCE my way past his barriers.  Instead, I gave him words of support and overt encouragement.  Every time that he started crying, I praised him, letting him know that this made me happier.

I used the encouraging phrases that I used above, in a warm and loving tone.  I did a lot of touch during the scene, merely touching his shoulder, or the back of his neck, not rub-rub-rubbing it.

Pretty soon, he was wailing full force, and undoubtedly alarming the other men on the patio.  The Daddy holding him was crooning in his ear, and loving him throughout the scene, so nobody else interrupted the scene.

I increased the intensity as I went along, but never to an intolerable point.  I did this, because it helped him to open up, and get directly in touch with old wounds.

Afterwards, I invited other men in our crew to come up and be part of a group hug, where we supported him and loved him.  It was aftercare as a team effort.  I never asked him what pain had showed up for him.  That's not my business, unless he offers it up for me.

He was WIPED OUT, drained and sleepy afterward, so I handed him off to his Daddy for longer-term aftercare.  I heard from them both the next day, and they were ecstatic.

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I just read your recent article, and I have to say that even as a sub it was very enlightening.  I'm wondering now about what can be done when scenes go bad in a physical way. For example, My Sir and I were playing, and in the scene, I learned how my minor circulation issues can be a big problem. I had my hands bound in a sort of spread eagle position as I was standing, which was really fun. However, I started to lose feeling in my hands and arms. 
Once they were free, I quickly lowered my arms, leading to a sudden loss in blood flow to my head. This made me nearly pass out, stumble over to the bathroom, and made me sick. Shortly after this, I just wanted to leave.
I'm wondering what could be done in such an instance, as a response to the side of things when plans go wrong due to unforeseen physical challenges, as well as ways to circumvent these.

If you didn’t know that it would happen, before it happened, this is clearly a Learning Moment, for all concerned.  I’m finding ALL SORTS of new, age-related issues, interfering with my own kinky play.  Not liking it, either.

Your own example is a perfect data-point to add to all future-play.  The Top should always be checking the sub’s hands and feet for coldness, indicating that circulation is not happening.  The bonds must be released, followed by massage of the affected areas, AS restrictions are released.

Just specify that news, as part of negotiations, and all should be well.  No Top wants to be known as a Bad Top, so support him in excellence with useful information, now that you know 

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Please post any comments below.  This is a much richer topic than I have attempted to cover here.

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Ardentsub:

Hi Papa, I had a question about this, can you elaborate on why it’s bad to rub someone’s back when they’re upset?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for asking. The rubbing is what we are expected to do by the larger society around us. It’s a distraction and a diversion from letting somebody feel sad. Sometimes folks NEED to feel sad in order to get better. So, we let them.

Why I Train Tops On A Constant Basis

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

UPDATE:  I am currently too ill to directly teach classes, with no real idea when (or if) I will get better.  In the meantime, I am now mentoring online, with folks in Manitoba, Bangkok, Edinburgh, and all over the USA.

I still post the following, older article, to let folks know what has been possible.

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Papa Tony:

Several times every week, I used to create small, private, extremely social gatherings of Tops, Doms, Sirs, Misters and Masters who want to know more about being a highly-respected, experienced man of the Tribe.  Now  am too old to do this any more, but I am leaving a historical record:

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THE AGENDA FOR EVERY GATHERING:

There aren’t enough Mentors to go around.  There is a huge need.  If we leave things the way that they are, there never WILL be enough kind, wise, experienced and self-confident dominant Elders, Mentors, Leaders and Role-Models to make a noticeable difference in our Tribe.  

I’m doing my part to change that.  I'm taking the long, long view, and it’s working really, really well.

Since I started, there are MANY more couples, Leather Families and collared, deeply-satisfied submissives showing up in our Tribe.  That's my pay-off.  I grew up as a young "Sir In Training" in the 1970's, when we had a thriving, ongoing cycle of mentoring between the generations.

It has been my self-appointed duty to bring back the Tribal culture that sustained me so well.

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BACKGROUND HISTORY

Decades ago, we had plenty of dominant males who were:

- Heavy players

- Wise and experienced

- Willing to kindly share what they knew, and

- Visible and available.

Nowadays, not so much.  Those gay-male Sirs were the first and the fastest to die, back in the bad old days.  They have NOT been replaced in any visible quantities. Their loss has rippled down the years, and the wound in our cultural psyche has some more healing to do.

As a result, we have seen two younger generations of dominant males who have never known when they have graduated to their next level, because nobody with large numbers of miles on their odometer has loved them enough to say so, when it became apparent. A lot of men feel like posers, fakers and wannabes, when the truth is that they have enormous amounts of what it takes.  They have just never felt "certified".

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WHAT I DO

My job is to hold up a mirror to each man, on an extremely individual basis, and to help him to see how valuable he already is.  Yes, I help him polish his technique…  but far more importantly, I coach him on how to be the kind of man that the Tribe is looking for.  I show him success techniques, social skills, coping-mechanisms, and various tips that can help him to grow into his next level.

I teach him the difference between "force", and "strength". Being macho, 100% intense and emotionally blocked-off works GREAT.

If you're starring in a porn video.

I teach men how to live BALANCED lives, where you can let your strongest passions out, AND be tender, emotional and thoughtful as well. The pendulum has to swing freely.  There is a difference between being BOSSY, and being a natural leader.

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MALE INTIMACY

There is a lot of Male Intimacy at these training-events.  No, not sex.  Intimacy.  We join together in affectionate hugs that really bind us closer as brothers.  We cuddle in "Puppy Piles", where we relax and sprawl upon each other.  We laugh loudly, and act silly at times, while engaging in "Top Talk".

If this is NOT your style, you won't like the rest of what happens, either.  It's all part of dropping the shields, and being fully present with some great guys. We all need trusted brothers, and every event is all about brotherhood.

The bottoms that attend these events get to go through a wide variety of experiences, and are required to give solid, visible reactions on a constant basis. That way, the men in training can get useful feedback, which helps them enormously.

Every dominant that passes through this process has to progress at his own rate, and in his own time.  There are no short-cuts, but the payoff is very satisfying for all of us who are there with him during his journey.

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RULES

I'm not strict, but I do expect, at a minimum, that you will be a man of your word.  I'm not very flexible on the subject of living in integrity. Just don't be a flake, and we will get along great.

We also do NOT do drugs.  Intoxication is a serious no-no. Mental clarity is how we do things.

If things are not working out, I will give you clear, unmistakeable information that will help you get better at fitting in.  If you still can't play by our rules of courtesy, you will be told that you are not welcome any more. This has never happened so far at these events.

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THE COST

There is a cost for everything, and I'm pretty strict about this:

In return for my time, kindness and generosity, I demand that you share everything that you learn, without holding back, at every opportunity.  We need many, many more mentors, and information shared is wisdom multiplied. Set a goal of being a wise old, gray-bearded man some day, who is beloved for his wisdom that is so readily apparent and available.

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HOW TO FIND OUT MORE

If any of this sounds appealing, and if you identify as male, contact me at papatony @mac.com, and let me know if you have read through some of the materials that I have posted online.  I consider at least SOME of it to be a prerequisite for acceptance in the ongoing parade of newly-minted, certified and confident Sirs, Masters, Doms and Daddies.

This is my show.  I take full responsibility for the safety, well-being and success of the space.  I'm ridiculously easy to work with.  My keen observational skills, my empathy and my natural "Border Collie" nature make me fully-present at every moment.

Let's play, and grow, and bond closely.  Things are going GREAT.  The effects are rippling out in the world and making a huge difference.  Come be a part of it.

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REVIEWS

From David:

I whole heartedly agree with what you Wrote.. and to be quite blunt you are Right.. I have never had a Father Figure or even a Older Tribesman who has shown me the way.. I have felt Lost for  So long I cant tell you how good it feels to finally after so many years to have found a Mentor whom I look up to and look forward to learning from…

what I have noticed over the last few years (before I met you) is that I myself have taken on the role of Teacher to younger men.. Imbuing them with my knowledge and understanding of life as I have seen and experienced it.. Granted I was sexual with those men but at the same time it was a Genuine concern for them and their lives that made me want to be their Daddy.. I feel a need to HELP those who are less fortunate.. or haven't made it to where I have..  

I guess this is exactly why we have clicked as friends.. and I am very Grateful to the universe for bringing me here.. and being a part of this group of Men.

———

From Frank:

My Thoughts,

I am a New Explorer to the Kink scene. My BDSM initiation was at Body Electric workshop last fall. I returned to SD seeking comrades in my own backyard.  Shortly after my return I met Papa Tony and was introduced to FMSD. One of the friendliest and welcoming groups of men I have yet to meet.

I was seeking not only play buddies, but knowledge of safe and expert use of toys. I simply expressed this to Papa Tony and then showed up. In the past few months he has become a mentor and friend.

My ill found beliefs about BDSM were dispelled at my B.E. workshop. I was concerned when I left that bubble what I would find in the ‘real’ world. I am writing this to tell you what Papa T professes (and those of you that know him know how well he does that, profess I mean….love you man!) is that BDSM is about intense connections. These connections are based on Trust and Respect. These are tenets I experienced in the bubble and am happy to report are practiced here in real live San Diego.

Yeah, he has taught me the basics of using a flogger and single tail. But his most important lesson is to make sure that those I play with can trust me and that I respect them even if they are playing a submissive role.

One last thing, (don’t want his head to get too big….either one, as he’s probably getting a big ole boner) Men are all too often recognized or rewarded for things other people think they should be doing. Here at FMSD we are doing what we want to do, being true to ourselves AND if you demonstrate that honestly and share that with your comrades respectfully Papa Tony is there to support, recognize and reward you.

Heartfelt regards Pops, Frank

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From Magnum:

I've been on/off in the San Diego leather/kink/BDSM since 2006. 

I've read numerous books and attended various workshops including Body Electric's BDSM workshop "Power, Surrender & Intimacy".

However, using the knowledge gained from those experiences combined with the artistry, mentorship and mastery of Papa Tony's guidance has allowed me to fully embrace and step into my authentic master/top/leader energies.

Other benefits I've gained from Papa Tony's mentorship & guidance:

~ trust, consistency & responsibility 

~ clarity of my mission as a Leatherman

~ self confidence & control

~ balance, intimacy, & time management with my collared submissives and my other "poly relationships".

~ intergration of archetypal energies (king, magician, warrior, lover)

~ mastery, technique and attention to detail regarding impact play (flogging, single-tail)

~s ense of belonging & connection to the greater leather/kink/BDSM community.

The investment I've made to trust Papa Tony's wisdom & training has paid off with huge dividends. 

Just ask my submissives!

With a deep bow, honor & gratitude.

Magnum