Take The Time To Learn Yourself Before You Allow Others To Control You.

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ultracollared:

To my fellow subs, pups, and slaves, gimps, furries, kinksters, and littles; to any identity you claim or feel or discover:

You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding. I may be reiterating things that have been said a thousand times in more coherent and eloquent ways. But too often I see or console or offer advice to those who have learned these lessons through experiences that I don’t want to imagine.

This isn’t exhaustive, and you may not agree with every one of them. These ideas do not come from a place of selfishness. They apply whether or not you identify as submissive, Dominant, or anywhere in between. It is not meant to inspire fear or cynicism. It is not meant to create self-doubt or generalize “Dominance” as heartless and uneducated. These ideas come from a place of self-love and self respect. If you have a problem with that, you have no place in my world.

If you can take one thing from it, whether validation of your own knowledge, or a deeper understanding of yourself, please know that you don’t have to face any of it alone.

In this, the “Dominant” is in general reference of any identity therein (whether Sir, Master, Handler, etc.)

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Take the time to learn yourself before you allow others to control you.

Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself and your needs.

No one is ever entitled to your submission.

I’ll say that again: NO ONE IS EVER ENTITLED TO YOUR SUBMISSION. Anyone who approaches you with the idea that they deserve you without so much as a conversation should be avoided. It is in your best interest to protect yourself, regardless of how exciting and enticing it may be to have someone assert such control.

Seek your community.

Whether its a local one, or something you find online, seek out a community of like minded people. Not only will this give you an opportunity to meet and befriend others who understand you, it is also for your protection. Your community is your safe place. We take care of our own.

Make friends with other submissives.

We understand each other better than most. You know things I don’t. Seek advice and care from others without an ulterior motive. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can always try to help.Communication is everything.

Seek a method of feedback that your Dominant can respect, whether positive or constructive. Anyone who assumes they know everything or can do no wrong is too insecure to admit their own flaws. Safe words are great, but that will only get you so far. You know what enhances or pulls you out of your headspace. Tell them.

Consideration periods are not simply to determine “whether you’re good enough” or “whether you deserve” something.

They are an opportunity for you to examine your own compatibility and headspace prior to engaging in commitment. They are one of the best tools you have to truly put yourself into a healthy and engaging environment. If it doesn’t work, speak up.You always have the right to leave.
Pretty damn self explanatory.

Make sure you understand YOUR limits.

To push through them is one thing, but you need to understand that too far can be too far. Learn how to say no in a way that enhances your relationship and mutual understanding. And if that isn’t respected? You always have the right to leave.

You deserve respect, too.

It may be shown in different ways. You may like to be called horrible names and treated like dirt. But unless you’ve gotten to the point where you feel safe in that space, don’t let someone walk all over you, regardless of their assumed Dominance.

Take. Your. Time.

Especially for those newer to discovering their submissive headspace, every person who validates that headspace will seem good to you. Just because someone offers you a collar does not mean you take it. Be careful. Ownership is first and foremost about trust. I understand the need; its an innate desire to give up control to the first person who tries to take it from you. But submission is not taken, it is earned. Give yourself the time and make sure their investment in you is equal to your investment in them.

If you need a break, take one.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself an opportunity to refocus. Take a step back from all of it and breathe without fear of control or retribution. Have the self awareness to know when you need it.Explore what you feel.

Don’t let yourself be defined by an expectation or ideal. If you don’t feel completely submissive, or completely Dominant, that’s okay. Give yourself the opportunity to explore those feelings. It may change on any given day or hour or minute. Surround yourself with those who will allow you to grow.

Headspace isn’t about losing yourself.

It’s a place that’s meant to allow you to let go. Sometimes it’s hard to find, and that’s okay. Don’t force it. Your headspace should be as unique as you. Allow the pieces of you that you love to shine through it.Not all headspace is sexual.

Never feel like where you go in that place must be accompanied with BDSM. If your headspace needs to be a safe place for you, let it. Many use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression and these triggers can not only be upsetting but dangerous. Never, ever assume anything without knowing someone. Care before control.

Look out for each other.

Know the signs of someone who needs help. They may not ask for it, but make sure those around you know that you’re looking out for them. There can be a very fine line between BDSM and abusive relationships. You may not be able to fix it, but the love you show someone may have a bigger impact than you think.

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If you have more to contribute, please do. I don’t expect this to be exhaustive, I want to give people an opportunity to think and respond and create healthy dialogue around a part of “us” that is too often silenced by passivity.

Please, please share this with everyone you can.

What Do You Consider To Be Basic Submissive Duties?

fistfuckgaygr:

1. Support them. No,I don’t mean financially OR physically. I mean emotionally and spiritually. Encourage them, and praise them. Have their back. Make sure they know that you’re in their corner and you will be there for them.

2. Openly communicate. Often. Even when we haven’t just finished up a scene or are about to scene, LMS and I talk about our relationship. We are very honest, especially if there’s something bothering us. We try not to let things wait and fester because that’s devastating to a relationship. He trusts and counts on my honesty. And I on his.

3. Know yourself. You have limitations. Don’t ignore them. There is no prize for pushing yourself too far for the sake of a Dom (mes) pleasure. It makes you untrustworthy and dangerous. The last thing they want is to hurt us. So if you think about it, the most subby thing you can do is to let them be aware of those limits and trusting them to respect those limits.

4. Don’t be disrespectful. I’m not talking about the bratiness that some Dom (mes) enjoy. I’m talking about genuine disrespect. Bashing your partner to other people, bashing other people just for fun, being rude in general. Just don’t be a dick is what I’m getting at.

5. Understand that your Dom (me) is human. They will make mistakes. The world will not end, I promise. Understand and talk it out. They will need breaks from being in D-mode. Let them and don’t fault them for it.

6. Take care of them if they’ll let you. LMS is SO hard to take care of because he fights against it. I have to sit and explain that I’d like to take care of him and do x, y, and z. And then he’ll usually only let me if he’s sick or in pain.

7. Trust them. Pretty self-explanatory.

Being a Submissive Has Never Been About Being Powerless

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bredbeta:

A great and powerful truth. D/s relationships are, at their most fundamental level, about the exchange of power; the passing of power from a submissive party to a Dominant party. This is key for the submissive to understand as it underscores the fact that the submissive is not without power.

If you entered the Hierarchy without power there would be no power to exchange; nothing to lay upon the altar of His majesty in tribute. Own your power and the fact that you willingly, consciously, and gladly cede it to Men that you acknowledge are Worthy and meant to wield it on your behalf to the benefit of Y/you both.

The Difference Between Sadomasochism And Abuse

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Anonymous: How do you tell the difference between sadomasochism and abuse? I mean because isn't being a sadist abusing (?) but in a good way. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question I'm just confused. 

Unknown author:

It isn’t a stupid question at all. I think it’s a very real and common concern.

Common enough that there are many things such as this out there.

The Secret About Domination/submission is...

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dontcallmemistress:

mscogsworthy:

There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.

At least, there’s no secret that you don’t already know.

D/s is a relationship. That’s it. It’s a relationship, just like dating, just like living together, just like marriage. And the secret to managing relationships?

99% of the time, the key to managing a relationship is communication. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Tell your partner what you want, what you don’t want, what feels good and for God’s sake what doesn’t feel good.

I browse a lot of the BDSM advice blogs & groups, and I swear to God, almost every question could be answered with TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

(The other 1% can be answered with LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS, but that’s another post entirely.)

There is very little in any healthy D/s relationship that can’t be handled with the application of a little patience and a lot of communication. And seriously, if you’re finding that the communication isn’t working, there are counselors and therapists out there who specialize in “non-traditional” relationships. Therapy is probably one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, and as a tool for the maintenance of self and relationships, there’s not much else I’d recommend more highly.

So yeah. That’s it. There’s the Big Secret everyone always wants to know.




Papa Tony:

Quoting myself:

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever. Kindness and Generosity. Science has proven this beyond all doubt. Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun. One does not preclude the other.

A sub is NOT for respecting and loving

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Anonymous: Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Unknown author:

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things.

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too.

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

Abuse vs. Discipline

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I noticed a few times you use the word “abuse” in your posts. While most of what you write is lovely, I’m a bit thrown off by your choice of words. As you have stated you don’t want pity, so I will hold my apologies for the pain you endured as a child inside and simply say I’m so thankful you had the strength to work through the trauma. That being said I am long time female submissive and not all Doms who use physical punishment are abusive, at all. It is 3am so maybe I missed something?

Papa Tony:

Your question makes me realize that I have been sloppy in my writing, all along.

It has never been my conscious intention to equate all kinky discipline with abuse. Thanks for pointing that out. I am learning something new about myself.

I am a man who has attended over 400 gay-male play-parties. Thinking back on my kinky journey since 1977, I believe that I have never seen high-quality and ethical BDSM discipline play, up close, and in action. I have unconsciously avoided it.

Intellectually, I know that it exists.

Based upon what I have seen online, there is a huge market for Discipline Play. I’ve just successfully skipped any part of that scene, without realizing it until now. Whenever there would be an instructional demo, I’d either not show up at all, or wander away without realizing why.

I’m pretty clear that my allergy for abuse is so strong that I have unconsciously selected folks who were in my social circle, and who shared similar viewpoints. Anyone else was avoided, just on the slight chance that I would get triggered.

My avoidance has been a safety-measure, because I never stop fearing how strong my own reaction would be. My overreaction would end any pleasure that others might derive from the play-party. I am physically huge, and can be emotionally intense, like a force of nature. I know the power that I wield.

I’m clear that I will never be an authority on the topic of high-quality Discipline Play. I’m too damaged from what I endured as a child, and that’s okay. I have done the work to grow beyond it. Now, I just need to work on my languaging, as I continue to write on other topics.

Thanks for reaching out!

Supporting Our Youth

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Good morning, being a woman and single parent I stumbled onto something that has left me out of my depth; my 14 year old son has discovered porn. That itself is perfectly fine, the fact he watches gay porn doesn’t bother me (kinda always knew). What does scare me as a parent is that his browser is full with gay D/s vids and beastiality.. How on earth do I handle this? Do I pretend I don’t know and let him “explore”? Do I bring it up, and if so, how? I’d appreciate any advice you have.

First of all, I am honored that you asked me.  Luckily, this is a topic that I know a lot about.  I have definite opinions, but you are welcome to pick and choose among them.

In my life as a very, VERY openly gay male, I have had similar questions brought to me, many times.  Parents have wanted to find a gay role-model for their struggling sons. In each case, these open-minded, caring parents wanted to know how to be supportive in the most effective way.

I have also raised multiple foster sons to full adulthood.  My specialty was gay teen males in crisis.  I will have to tell those stories sometime soon, but let’s focus upon your needs:

Come Out To Your Son

Don’t delay.  Delay serves no purpose.  Pick the most luxuriously, cuddly safe space that you have shared with your son.  A location where you would never, ever have any form of conflict.  Hold him close and snuggly, and start with affectionate affirmations.  Praise his many virtues.  That’s the best beginning.
Then, in clear, direct and simple terms, state what is up with you:

• I saw what you were browsing.  I’m not planning to make a habit of that, because I know that you could evade such efforts anyway.  You deserve your privacy as you step into manhood.
• I am long-since aware of, and okay with the gay stuff.  No biggie.  Let’s move forward together as a team.  You can count on me.  I am your Number One Ally, and always will be.
• The Internet is not reality.  It’s just where folks indulge their wildest fantasies.  Real life involves balance, courtship, and negotiating through interpersonal relationships.  

When talking to him, your perspective doesn’t have to be perfect - It just has to be authentically true.

Finding Support For The Both Of You

Not knowing where you live, I can only give generic tips:

- See if his school has a GSA - a Gay/Straight Alliance affinity-group.  Chances are very good these days, but it’s not guaranteed.  This is a very important form of support, when he is starting to learn about flirting and such.  Without a GSA, he might not start learning about courtship until AFTER he leaves high school, long after his schoolmates get that phase over with.

- Look for a local chapter of PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.  Finding others who share your concerns is key to keeping YOU strong and informed, and best able to support your son.

- Seek out local, stable gay-male couples as role-models for your son, and befriend them.  When I finally met long, LONG-term gay couples, it was a major breakthrough in my own life.  I suddenly started forming long-term goals for myself, after aimlessly fumbling around with my own relationships.  Now, at 28+ years of ecstatic joy with my husband, I know that I can give major credit to my role-models Clark and Joseph, who were together 52 years.

Those are the major points that occur to me at the moment.  You are welcome to keep reaching out, as time goes by.

Neediness vs. Indifference: Finding The Balance, Every Day

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I get scared sometimes, Papa. What if I find my Daddy but I end up scaring him away with all my neediness? I know people need time for themselves every once in a while, but I’d like to be with Him for as long as I could. I’m… I’m way too needy. If I had the chance, in this hypothetical situation, I would never want to leave His side. Ever. I would be at His side, cuddling, snuggling, hugging, caressing, kissing, smelling and massaging Him all the time… Every hair in His body would get this special attention, every single day. This triggers my fear of being rejected for wanting way too much attention and care, Papa. :( I don’t know how to deal with it.

Papa Tony:

I See It A Different Way

I have high physical needs as well.  It is NORMAL for healthy, functional and lonely folks to feel strong need for touch, reassurance and comfort. I can’t imagine being any other way.

Let’s say that you and your ideal Daddy find each other.  Naturally enough, you are both going to make up for lost time by engaging in what I call “HONEYMOON!!!”  Spending endless time cuddling, touching, playing, indulging each other.  Sleeping up close and sweet.

The pendulum of experience swings from the far extreme of Desperate Loneliness, to WAY Overdoing It, and then to Finally Catching Up.  The two of you eventually reach a daily balance that still shifts, as needs that arise are satisfied.

I haven’t been single more than a few months, since I was fourteen.  In my direct experience, sooner or later, the desperation is replaced by satisfaction and serenity.  The starvation disappears.
Frankly, I like a highly-attentive submissive.  Indifferent ones bore me.

Welcome Aboard: Pay Attention. This Will Be On the Test!

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I’m a new Dom and I wanna know, how do people afford all this? I had to work overtime to afford an event.  I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal? 

Papa Tony:

Of Course.  This Has Been True All Along. 

It’s too easy to get caught up in the pageantry and the one-upsmanship of what we see on Tumblr, at public events, or in the general media. It’s primate nature to put on dominance displays to assert an unassailable position in the hierarchy.

For goodness’ sake - you’re a Dom, and the obviously more Domly-Doms got there ahead of you!  How is anybody ever to compete with that? Easy… don’t.

It’s part of dominance displays to convey nonverbal communication.   It’s not much different from lizards doing push-ups on a flat rock, showing off their colorful bellies and inflating their throats.

I found this image at random.  Please don’t prejudge these men.

Folks with the most impressive gear and gew-gaws may not even consciously be aware that they are blowing new folks out of the water.  It’s just primate chest-thumping on a subconscious level.
None of it is to the advantage of the new, the shy and the uncertain ones.  That’s why so few of them stick around, after bouncing off of the indifference of others.  Sound familiar?

The Law of the Jungle prevails.  Usually.  Here is How We Get Past That. 

I’m happy to tell you, kinky success has NOTHING to do with competition, what you wear, or how much you spend.  Really.

In the gay leathermen’s titleholder contests that I have judged, a common question is something to the effect of “If I am dressed in a pink bathrobe, underwear and fuzzy slippers, am I still a leatherman?”

To those of us who have been around a long time, the obvious answer is “YES!!!” The distinction shows up between two phases:  “Wearing Leather,” and “LIVING Leather.” This is expressed in the phrases “Damn!  I look GOOD in this,” versus “I can’t wait to thrill the hell out of my sub with this!”
Not everyone shifts into the second stage.  That’s normal, healthy and fine.

From what you say, I see that you are poised to join us in the actively-kinky Tribe.  Good for you!

Mastering the Craft 

You can spend $500 on a kinky toy, just like I can buy a gym membership at the swankiest fitness club in town.   The concept is the same. It doesn’t do you any good if you don’t apply yourself.   I know folks with massively complete toy collections who are mediocre (or worse) when it comes to thrilling the submissives.  Oh, the stories I could tell!

Brag Alert 

I can go to any huge, international kinky play-party with a single toy - an inexpensive flogger - or even no toys at all, and every sub in the building will want some of what I am sharing.  I have honed my technique, my sensitivity and perception, and my desire for excellence, and it SHOWS.

I have been a new guest at kinky play parties with over a hundred participants where the entire building empties into the area around me, forming two semicircles (completely spontaneously), just to watch what I can do with the one, simple toy that I brought to the party.

Yes, I am bragging.  But I say all of this to make an overarching point.   I know my stuff, because I never stop learning and growing.

Chuck Norris 

The “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor was in the movie “Enter the Dragon” as a martial artist. If you’ve studied the defensive arts, you will notice that he doesn’t demonstrate hundreds of styles and techniques, and that’s good. He doesn’t need to. The few things that he DOES know, he demonstrates with grace, balance and supreme expertise.  He kicks ass at kicking people in the head, primarily.

It’s The Same in Kink 

You don’t have to attend eighteen years of Kinkology Kollege before you are worthy of respect in the community. Others may disagree.   Don’t listen to them. Try a few perverted, twisted things to see which tickles your fancy. Once you’ve tried the buffet, dive deeper into what pleases YOU the most.  Strive for excellence that pleases and satisfies YOU.

 Once word gets around that you are the local Rope Guru, or the Oracle of Hot Wax, and that you care deeply about growing, learning and sharing, word will spread.  Subs will actively seek you out.  A lot.  Other Doms will befriend you for all of the best reasons.

Credibility is Currency 

Many folks think that money is the most important currency. I disagree.  I LIKE money.  However, I know better.  Money can’t buy ANY amount of credibility.

Being a solid citizen: dependable, authentic, diligent and dedicated to excellence, will attract folks with similar viewpoints and skill-sets.  Living in integrity takes you out of the realm of “COMPETITION!!!!,” and over to the side of “Kindness And Cooperation.”  Look forward to a long life full of friends who support and sustain you.

Don’t be fooled or impressed by $3,000 outfits or $20,000 kinky furniture. They are delightful, but they are beside the point, unless your deepest desire is to astonish people with swanky belongings.

Welcome to the Newly-Arrived Dom 

You are new in the Tribe. I honor you. We ALL had to start somewhere.  You are one hundred percent as valuable as I am in our community.  Yes, I have been on the same upward path of personal growth for decades longer than you, but we are ON THE SAME PATH.

In return for any help that I offer in my writings and videos, I ask that you return the favor by helping new superstars when it is YOUR turn.  There is no rush:  Take care of your OWN needs in the meantime.

I wish you great success in the realms of dedication, expertise, honorable ways and constant growth.
Welcome aboard!

Labels 101

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Thank You Sir for the opportunity. First allow me to explain my thought process. Back on that picture where we discussed a bit it was said that “that slave should be a boy”. This is where my doubts began. When it was commented, I assumed that there could only exist a Master/slave OR a Daddy/boy relationship. This was before You said something about a Master/boy relationship. Something I’ve never heard of before. I’ve started to learn about Dom/sub lifestyle recently.

With that in mind, my first questions are the following: How does a Master/slave relationship differs from a Master/boy one? Is it possible to be a slave to a Daddy? If so, how would it work? If not, what is the reason behind it? Do all of these relationships start with a boy and then he ends up becoming a slave or a son? Is it a natural process to become a slave to a Master and a son to a Daddy? Or can the other way around also occur, as I asked before?

Thank You Sir for Your time and help in understanding all of this.

realpowerexchange:

Let’s begin with a few observations:
… Tumblr information, with the exception of a few blogs, is porn based and the captions/stories are meant to titillate, rather than educate.
… There are commonly accepted “truths” regarding power play relationships (i.e., a slave is treated more harshly than a boy); however they are not etched in stone and whatever works for the people involved in a relationship is all that truly matters.
… Important: All things are possible.

On to your questions…

Consensual power exchange relationships have existed long before the internet and sites like Tumblr focused their spotlights on them. While each relationship is unique, the common thread is one partner is dominant and one is submissive. The next step is to assign some means (a scale) to determine how “severe” each partner is in their respective role and then assign a label.

On the dominant side, a Master is generally thought to be somewhat dictatorial, issues orders and expects to be obeyed immediately and without question. A Dad is generally thought to employ a gentler touch; one that takes into account the feelings of his submissive.

On the submissive side, a slave its generally thought to have little to no say once his Master has issued an order. A boy is generally thought to be submissive but less rigidly so and is freer to express his opinions.

Stereotypical thinking would assume a Master has a slave and a Daddy has a boy. Again, this is not etched in granite. In a relationship, the important thing is how each party views himself and his partner. The dominant party my be viewed as a Master for a number of reasons and the submissive partner considers himself a boy. Labels are more important to outsiders than they are to the participants in a power exchange relationship.

While it is possible for the roles in power exchange relationships to morph, I believe it is the mindset of the submissive that determines if he is a slave or boy; if he craves psychological domination and control or if he thrives on physical abuse.

In the end there’s no right or wrong way to enter into a power exchange relationship (despite all the “rules” one reads on Tumblr); it all boils down to trust and chemistry and what works for the people involved.

Automatically Turning Pain Into Pleasure

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Thank You Sir! Do you know of someone who would be willing to mentor me about my love of pain? My perception of it seems different than what I’ve read. 
As a kid I thought I had discovered a new, different type of pain. One that felt good, not one like toothache. Quickly learned some pains in nipples, balls, dick gave me a hard on and eventually learned to cum from them hands free.  
However things like spanking hurt and made my little guy shrivel. Now when I read stories about guys who actually find giving pain erotic – sounds like an impossible dream. 
Yet there are only descriptions of one type of pain. The kind that is intended to be a warning, a kind to be avoided. No one seems to know the kind I feel. Am I over thinking? Don’t want analyzing to take away its magic.

This is a topic that is close to my heart.  Thanks for bringing it up.  People’s bodies do NOT all respond in all of the same ways.  It’s a fact.

An easy test is whether a man’s nipples are “wired directly to his dick,”  For many men, there is no connection whatsoever, but for others, firm nipple-play is a perfect and erotic thrill that can make some men cum hands-free.

(Sidebar thought:  No matter what, I NEVER start nipple-play with the Pliers Approach. Only beginners or inebriated barflies would do that.  Gentle twiddling, leading up to a firmer approach, based upon positive reactions, is always best.)

One of my slaves loves cock-and-ball-torture (CBT).  The other one can’t handle even gentle handling of his balls.  They are both perfectly normal, for THEM.

In the last forty years, I have met men like you - You are perfectly normal, for YOU.  That is a wonderful thing.  First, some background information.

An Ethical Sir CALIBRATES

I am a huge, strong man, and I have had to approach most submissive men very carefully… almost like defusing a bomb.  I have had to “calibrate” during every encounter (I explain how, in this video).
I could break just about anybody like a twig, particularly if I am wielding a ferocious kinky toy.  I could go to JAIL, if I am not paying full attention to the effects of my behavior.
I even had to take 4-½ years of karate classes, to get me past my fear of hitting people.  I’ve been this huge since 1968, and the larger culture has told me not to hit anybody smaller than me.  Well, that doesn’t leave me a lot of options!

Hamburger Harold

I had a collared boy for a while, who brought me great pleasure.  Harold had MANY virtues, but he had one special gift that really got my Sadist Glands secreting like mad.
He could turn pain into pleasure, instantly.  This is rare, and it sounds like you have that same capability.

When playing with Harold, I would break out a particular Kevlar-tipped singletail whip.  It was “blood-bonded” to him, alone.  Breaking the skin and causing blood to flow is hardcore and very rare play.  It’s not healthy or polite to share those fluids between submissives.  So, Harold kept and maintained the whip that I used upon him, alone.
I nicknamed him “Hamburger Harold” as a loving reference to his abilities to go so hardcore.

He never required or wanted foreplay - He wanted to just step up to the wall and get whipped.  He’d hum, and and dance slowly from one foot to another.  I was timid in my approach, at first.  I couldn’t believe that I could be so fortunate.
Before Harold, I would have to travel to San Francisco to find somebody who had that rare, special gift of instantly transferring pain into pleasure.  I would meet up with men whose backs were one big callus, from having been whipped bloody so many times.

I could finally get a lot further along in my sadistic pleasures than most submissives would desire. I could crank up the energy, and he’d thank me very happily, afterward.  Then, we would scrub the blood off of the walls. CSI would have had a very interesting time analyzing what had happened there!

Harold broke up with me when he realized that he needed more than I could provide, relationship-wise (I have a full-time husband).  I still miss him.  He had many valuable traits, and he had a big, beautiful heart.  He was a really good boy, and he had EARNED that collar, so he kept it when he left.

Angry Punishment Versus Extreme Intimacy.  There IS a Difference!

The key point that needs to be made, based upon what you have shared, is that ATTITUDE is what matters to you.  If I am yelling angry, abusive and punishing words at you, then you lose the pleasurable aspect.  That’s fine, and it has never been my style.

My attitude when playing with a submissive, wherever he shows up on the spectrum of pain, is a strong desire to take him to the highest heights of pleasure.  I want very much to create happy memories that will last him for a lifetime.  I’m quite clear that if Harold moved back to my town, he would tell stories of some very joyful aspects of our play, with zero regrets.

My final thought?  You sound like a treasure, and my wish is that you keep reading my blog entries.  If you find a Sir who is a good match, have him read my stuff, too, so that he knows how to treat somebody as special and valuable as you are.

Male Chastity? What's the Point?

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Anonymous asked : I don’t understand the point of locking up. What does this do? Why is this attractive? Not trying to judge but trying to understand why the gusto for “caging” a dick.

The Silent Alpha

Fair question.

Everyone can love chastity for different reasons, of course, just like any other kink. Here’s why I do:

Chastity takes away a boy’s ability to use his dick. He can’t jerk off, he can’t penetrate anything, he can’t stimulate it, he can’t get hard. To me (and to a lot of people) the dick is the ultimate symbol of masculinity. So when a boy doesn’t have access to it the feel of masculinity alters. He’s no longer in control of his dick, it is now controlled by the keyholder. The boy doesn’t get pleasure from it, the boy can’t get hard, depending on the device, the boy might not even be able to see it. It’s emasculating.

Not being able to cum makes the boy very horny. You’d be surprised what males are ready/want to do after not being able to cum for a few days/weeks. That makes him look for pleasure in other places. He wants to be touched anywhere, he wants to touch. In gay boys’ cases they think about dick non stop. They start playing with their ass to get some release so their hole becomes their sex organ. And because their hole is being stimulated and they get pleasure from it, it’s not just a hole anymore. It’s a cunt. They may not want to call it that, but that’s what it is in their head. So we now got a boy who’s hungry all the time, he trembles from the slightest touch and gets lots of pleasure from his new sex organ.

Chastity improves sex for the boy. Not only is he more sensitive, but without being able to cum he will always enjoy sex. If you bottom, you know that if you cum - it’s game over. Your top has to stop because you don’t enjoy being fucked anymore. That problem goes away with chastity. Boy is always ready and eager. That, of course, makes sex better for me. Not to mention the hands free orgasm the boy can achieve after enough time in chastity. Once a boy cums without stimulating his clit, he’s changed forever. 

Chastity also never lets a boy forget who he is.You may be a bottom, you may be a sub. But you don’t think about that part of you when you’re at work or visiting you family or going to parties with your friends. The chastity device is always there, you can always feel it. Horny or not, sad or happy, alone or surrounded by people. You can always feel it, it’s a constant reminder that your manhood was taken away. It keeps you in your place, it never lets you forget that you get pleasure from getting fucked. Every time you need to use the bathroom you are faced with the reality of who you are : male but not a man. That changes a boy. His behavior becomes that of a sub even outside of the bedroom.
Chastity builds up a lot of frustration and tension. That’s why it’s also a great way to motivate the boy go to the gym or be more productive in general. I’ve had a boy with a barely average body transform into a beast after just 1 year of chastity. I’m no longer his keyholder, but he still keeps the cage. He doesn’t want it off, because it motivates him so much.

And most importantly, I love chastity because it sets clear roles. The boy is giving up his masculinity for me, he locks it up as a sign of surrender. My dick becomes the only dick in the room and he’s just holes. I’m his Man, he’s my bitch. Fucking a boy while watching his soft clit in his cage being ignored is just very, very hot. 

I never liked when my bottoms touched themselves during sex. I thought the chastity devices looked a little weird at first. But now I love them. If I see one on a boy it makes me hard instantly. Because that means that he embraced his role as someone who belongs underneath Men. And I love being on top!

Boring, Bored, and Border Collies

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Dear Papa, I strive to be a respectful, obedient, pleasing submissive but after long periods of time spent being tied up in intricate knots, bound spreadeagle faced down, or shackled in a cage….well… I get a little bored. I’ve even fallen asleep a few times. I am thrilled Sir is enjoying himself but there’s not much left for me to do. Am I just a boring, bad lay?

I have had three Border Collies in my life.  When THEY get bored, they start disassembling things.  Chain-link fences, backyard decking, entire sofas.

I went through FOUR actual dog-cages with one of them, in increasing levels of “security.”  The goal was to try and keep her from panicking during storms, and running away.  Each new, stronger cage would last for about four minutes before she figured out how to get out.

Well, somebody like you can easily be classified as a handful, and SOME Sirs (like me) gain pleasure from providing such a clever, easily-bored sub with some creative brain-teasers…

• Let’s see you get out of this intricate bondage before I get back.

• Having trouble staying focused?  Let’s see you organize the contents of My toy bag into a row, with the scariest stuff on one side, going lighter and easier on the other side.  I will tell you why, when you are done, and have explained your thought processes.   <EEE-VIL CHUCKLE>>>

There is no generic form of submission.  Even OUTSIDE of a scene, subs like you are a refreshing “spice” for any Leather Family.  Your restless mind and keen wit can cause the rest of us to see things in new (and often humorous) ways.

Border Collie Jokes

Our dog Daisy was rescued off of the streets of Tijuana.  That qualifies her to be an AKC-certified “South of the Border Collie.”

Our Daisy wasn’t shaped like most Border Collies, which are tall, with slender legs.  Instead, she was shaped more like a watermelon.  Perhaps she was a Melon Collie.

Daisy was our little blossom… our Collie Flower.

We were her fifth owners, because she was a willful little thing. She lived to an estimated fifteen years.  She was an Escape Artist.  She used to grind her way through obstacles like an Atomic Beaver.

I had to use metal armor-plating on this gate to stop her from running down the hill and running along the freeway until somebody stopped and picked her up.  We got to meet a LOT of neighbors that way!

She could be quite horrid sometimes (she had a yap that could cut glass), but we loved her dearly.

Defining Some Structure for a Submissive

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temptingdominance: It’s time for a little conversation.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages. And I think it’s important that we define some structure. There needs to be a better understanding of submission. In fact, if you ask me why I do not have a boy right now, the most common answer is geography and because the boys in my area frustrate the hell out of me.

Why do they frustrate me you might ask? Because for many of them their concept of submission is a rough fuck. Sex and dominance are mutually exclusive. There are deeply sexual elements. Our hormones are at a very high level. We have primal need that engage in in these moments. But we do not need to engage in intercourse to express our dominant and submissive attributes.

So when you message me, and your first comment to me is that you me to fuck you, my immediate thought is that you are just a hungry bottom and not a submissive. You are more concerned with your needs and desires than understanding what I means to be submissive. You just want to get something you want.

I am not saying that when you have a positive interaction with a dominant you cannot beg him to fuck you. Most boys do. However, they do so because they have earned that right to appeal to the Man.

Remember a submissive means bring joy to a Dominant. It means being their for him. It means making him feel good because doing something for another makes you feel good. You feel balanced. You feel connected.

If you want to express yourself as a submissive. Your first thought (or message) should be, what can I do to make him happy?

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

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There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them.

This is not one of those posts.

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities.

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene.

It’s like a fire alarm.

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword.

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them.

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure.

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb.

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list.

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong.

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words.

Stay Safe,

Evie

PS) While I stick to talking about submissives having their consent violated or safeword use complicated in this post, this is only for the sake of making the text easier to follow. Dominants, tops, bottoms, slaves, Masters, switches, littles, anyone, can have their consent violated or have difficulty using safewords in scenes.

Points to Ponder, Pre-Collaring

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realpowerexchange: The negotiation process is a two way street and a strong power exchange relationship begins with a two-way dialog. Listed here are some points for a prospective slave to consider when negotiating with an inexperienced Master:

1. There is nothing wrong in communicating/expressing frustration or anger but always communicate/express the source of your frustration or anger.

2. Have you shared with Master the emotional tie you have with [example] boots in general, jungle boots in particular? Tell him it’s a fetish, it’s part of you and you’d like it to be part of your relationship.

3. Always remember that he has always dreamed of owning a slave, longs for the loyal devotion a slave provides but has never owned a slave before. It’s a learning experience for both of you and you must treat it as such. Make your turn-ons and fetishes known to him during this time.

4. You will always be safe in saying, “Permission to speak freely, Sir!” If he is worth his salt, he will grant you permission and you then have an obligation to say what’s on your mind, express yourself.

5. Remember that never having owned a slave, most likely the majority of Master’s “education” is likely drawn from porn pictures and porn stories. If you expect this to last long-term you owe it to both yourself and your Master what you respond to and what you don’t. Keep your expectations realistic.

6. Use these last few daily emails to give your Master a crystal clear picture of who you really are, deep down and totally exposed, what you like and dislike both inside and outside of a Master/slave relationship; in short, let him see what he’s buying into and I’ll guarantee it will be far more enticing that anything he’s imagined up to this point.

7. Remember that any Dom worth his salt always appreciates it when a sub reveals his inner feelings in a humble and earnest way; it gives him insight into his boy.

8. Always remember that submission is a precious gift and dominance is not a right. There is no greater gift than the gift of submission and obedience and dominance that is earned, not taken.

Just some thoughts…

Master Chuck

The Value of Switches

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Hello Sir, I was hoping I could ask you something. Given your experience, what is your opinion on switches? I can identify as one of them but I keep walking in a world where you need to be either a top or a bottom, either a dom or sub. I wonder how rare/real switches are? Am I fooling myself identifying as such?

Papa Tony:

Once again, the underlying problem here is the way that we humans are so eager to put ourselves and others into clearly-defined boxes. Well, life is not just two boxes, marked “black" and “white.” Outside of the clearly-defined boxes are infinities of colors, flavors, smells, subtleties and dimensions that represent life as it actually is.

When others pressure you to conform, they are doing a disservice to you, and to themselves. They are perpetuating toxic stereotypes that should have disappeared half a century ago. “I like cupcakes, and I like cream fillings, but you are a cream-filled cupcake? No such thing exists!”

And yet, there you are, right in front of them, in broad daylight. Large as life, and TWICE as nice!

In the last five decades, we have discovered that sex, gender and attraction are FLUID, and not at all what society keeps trying to perpetuate. Don’t buy what they are selling.

This picture clearly communicates the man’s intentions. He has no shame whatsoever about saying “I can Top, and I can bottom, equally pleasurably! Good for me!” The twin armbands are what convey that message… His left armband says “I’m a Top,” and his right armband says “I’m a bottom”

Wearing both at once says “I’m open for business!” MONKEY business.

If you attend a large, international leather event, you will see this nonverbal signal a LOT.

Don’t let others shame, pressure or define you, brother. Here is some good news:

If you do the same as the man above, and shout out your pride and comfort within yourself, you’re going to get laid a LOT. Your dick is going to get worn down like the eraser on a pencil, because Doms, Sirs, masters and Daddies are DYING to bottom once in a while. They get sick of only taking one role, and never know when it’s safe to ask for the other pleasures that they want.,

Expect to hear variations on the following, shy, quiet phrase:

“Umm, I’m usually a Top, but for YOU….?”

The only polite response is to say “I would be HONORED. Let’s get your sexy ass into the sling, right now! “

Advice, Going Forward

Now, if I were you, I’d go get matching, awesome armbands, and WEAR THEM EVERYWHERE that gay men are cruising,. You’re not just making a declaration to THEM, you are making a declaration to yourself. A permanent one.

If you have profile pics online, update them to show your Switch Pride. The arm-bands go ABOVE the biceps, by the way.

Nobody has any more defining power over you, forever. You are a star and a blessing in the world. Go get ‘em, tiger!

These folks are in Russia, but they have the coolest accessories. They are trendy! Get some nice matching gauntlets, too. Those are visible from a long way away.

UPDATE:

Anonymous said: Can you clarify the difference between switch and versatile? Isn’t switch someone who can be both Dominant and submissive? Can a bottom be a switch but not versatile?

Thanks for asking - I got a little sloppy with my phrasing, earlier.

For ME, a kinky “switch” and someone who is sexually “versatile” are not all that different. I’ve been to hundreds of large, kink-gay-male fuck/fist/flog parties (mostly in the 1970′s).

In my mind, I still live there, decades later. A massive swarm of men flipping, switching and handing off to each other is NORMAL in that scenario. That’s how life used to be, before sex and intimacy became a possibly fatal predicament for gay men.

I am certain that on an individual basis, the distinction between the two is important, and sharply defined. I honor that. I just keep forgetting to keep that in mind.

The Importance Of A Collar!

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See also:

Collaring… All Types

Points to Ponder, Pre-Collaring

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pupamp: Collars are very special things. Sacred. Important. Special. And NEVER something that should be given without a clear understanding of what it means, by all parties involved. This is all said with the pretense that myself and @mrkristoferweston are better than ever, this is not an issue with our relationship but a reflection of why our relationship works versus recent issues in the community that continue to pop up.

If you EVER give a collar to someone you better be completely clear on what it means and hold yourself responsible as the one who gave it to THEM. Yes the receiving end is equally responsible of being communicative of needs/want/expectations. But recently, I’ve had the horror of hearing of at least 4 individuals coming forward to speak on the emotional abuse they went through because they were mislead about being collared. From the same exact person.

It frustrates me to no end to see people taken advantage of: emotionally, physically, psychologically. I will be the first one to tell you, someone who collars you should show you the MOST respect, love, compassion, understanding and time; not dismiss you for needing a second of their attention or voicing a concern about your relationship.

If the person collaring you ever makes it about you and your assumptions or how you misunderstood what the collar meant, how you’re the problem, or how you’re being needy, THEY have failed as the top/sir/dom/master/handler/daddy.

Papa Tony:

I am offering a similar perspective, from somebody who has been collaring submissives for four decades:

In the absence of gay kinky elders to continue traditions that work well, a lot of misinformation has gone around. The hetero-kinksters, in particular, have some truly peculiar concepts that never fail to baffle me.

A couple of decades ago, somebody did a statistical study. I haven’t been able to find the reference, otherwise, I would post it here. He found that a submissive man who wished to be collared by a well-respected, high-quality Sir had less than a four-percent chance of having that happen.

I don’t believe that the numbers are that low nowadays. Remember, that study was done shortly after the AIDS Holocaust, and NOBODY was steady on their feet. Thanks to so very many high-quality Internet sites where folks can share their gifts of wisdom, the numbers are slowly climbing.

There is more work to do, though. That is why I teach Tops. I never take a day off, because I want more and more of our submissive brothers to get the ethical treatment that they deserve, in THIS lifetime.

So, This Is What Collaring A Submissive Means To Me

In the vast wilderness of kink, there are limited quantities of Doms for deserving subs. If I value somebody enough to tenderly collar them (preferably with rejoicing witnesses), it means that he is claimed as valuable above all others. He doesn’t need to doubt his innate value any more. He is now on the inside.

If somebody wants to bring him harm, they will have to go through ME.

After a particularly wonderful achievement on his part, I will whisper “You keep on earning that collar, over and over, and I am proud of you.” He’ll wag his tail, and continue striving to please his Sir, because he is getting what he wants.

Ending the Collared Relationship

If the Dom/sub relationship ends for any reason, then the collar stays with HIM, forever. He once earned it, it has enormous emotional value for him, and ripping it away from him is just plain cruel. Don’t be that guy.

Crowd Approval and Envy

For decades, one of my favorite collaring pleasures is to take the newly-collared sub to a crowded leather bar. I’ll order him to take his shirt off, and to arrive with me, just slightly behind and to the side.

That way, any idle observers can clearly see the shiny new collar, and that we are together. I’ll stop, socialize and do Top Talk with some of my buddies, after introducing the sub.

After a while of standing with my hand of the back of his neck in the Approving Sir position, I will give him orders, along with some cash: “Step away and circulate through all parts of the bar. Come back in 45 minutes after picking up some more drinks for me and my buddies, and then report on what happened while you were away.”

He’ll come back on time, gasping with excitement. Just a few days before, he had been SURE that a chain collar was a restriction - a way to shut his light and open heart down, by a repressive Sir. He had heard of the bad cases, and experienced some mental struggles when I had proposed collaring him.

NOW, everything opened up for him. He had heard phrases in the crowd such as “You KNOW that you just won the lottery, right?” and “How the hell do I get on that list?” The men in the crowd were green-eyed ENVIOUS of him. He was reassessing the whole thing in a new way, and he liked it.
What My Life Is Like Nowadays

I am serenely comfortable as a slave-owning Master. I gave up my fears and insecurities years ago, because I see that I am my OWN kind of Sir. I resisted calling myself a Master for decades, because I DIDN’T WANT TO BE AN ASSHOLE. The stereotypes frightened me. I didn’t want to become somebody else, just to fit into what I perceived as the typical Master. I have a big, generous heart, along with some serious sadism.

I gave up on all of that noise, and life is so much better. I am the Real Deal, because I SAY so. I made my declaration a decade ago, and it freed my soul to be the best slave-owning Master that I could be.

My slaves adore me, and will do anything for me, because they are getting their goodies, while I get mine. We have a free-flowing, intermixed relationship that continues to reward all of us.

They earn their collars every day, and life is GREAT.

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MasterDomonic:

I’ve briefly explored this subject before in a very simplistic way elsewhere, and will here provide a recap of that information before a deeper look into this very complicated symbol.

Q) What is a collar?

A) A collar is a symbol of ownership and protection

My Own Explanation;

A collar is simply a band of metal or leather. It can be used for bondage, certainly, but that is not its true purpose

It’s true purpose is the same as a wedding band. It is a symbol to the world, I am not my own. I belong. I am protected. I am not alone

I’ve received many answers to this question from many submissives, but this is by far the best I’ve yet read (posted with permission);

“To me, a collar is a willingly accepted sign of a Dominant taking control of a submissive while providing guidance and protection. It is the sign of a submissive accepting a dominant’s authority and reciprocating with service, obedience and trust.”

* * *

“Ok,” you say, “ I understand that, but what about subs, pups, boys, etc who buy themselves a collar? What does that mean?”

Certainly, many who are submissively inclined will purchase a collar.

For some, it just makes them feel submissive, for others, it gives a more “real” dimension to being a pup, and yet for others, it “feels hot” and they imagine a Dom grabbing it and putting them in their place.

In all cases, it’s more than a fashion statement, it is a tool they use to get into the head-space. But at the end of the day, it’s all just fantasy.

They all desire one thing;

They want the collar to mean something.

Whether a Master, Dom they visit, or their boyfriend telling them to wear it because he likes the look, it all “circles” back to ownership, control, and submission of/to another.

When a Master buys a collar for a submissive, that collar still belongs to the Master, just like the sub does.

The Master may refer to it as “your collar”, but this is simply to differentiate the collar that this sub is wearing, from the one another submissive may be wearing. Both collars belong to the Master, they are His property to give, and to keep on.. well.. His property!

At no point does the collar itself become the property of the submissive. If it did, it would lose it’s meaning of protection, and simply become another toy.

Alright, so I’ve been very wordy so far, reiterating the same point over and over about protection, collar belongs to Master, it means ownership, blah blah blah…

But why?

Respect

Respect the collar

Respect what it means and above all; Respect the Man who put it on you, just as He respects -you- enough to place it on your neck.

Remember this as I take a side-path for a moment, and don’t worry, I’ll reconnect.

All restraints that a Master has purchased belong to him. When in any restraint, you are under his control.

But I Myself (and a few Dom acquaintances I know) have a very strict set of rules about restraints.

(Note that this is by no means universal, but no less important for that)

When I cuff a boy’s hands, he may be in the cuffs for 10 minutes, or 3 hours.

No matter the length of time, when I remove those cuffs, his hands are to remain where they are, unrestrained, until I allow him to move them.

This goes for any restraint, including cages. I might open the cage door, but that doesn’t mean you may step out of the cage without my express permission.

I might unbuckle the gag you’ve been wearing for 2 hours. sure, your jaw hurts, but that doesn’t mean the gag comes off. It stays in until I remove it.

However, there are times that I will tell a boy to take off the cuffs, step out of the cage, remove his gag himself, sometimes I’ll tell him to restrain himself in the first place.

The only thing the boy does not ever put on or take off, is My collar.

It is a symbol of My protection, and therefore Mine to place on him.

A sub should never impose himself upon a Master to the point of putting on his Master’s collar on himself.

Claiming the un-offered protection of a Master is a flippant disregard of the connection of a Master and slave.

The opposite is of course also true.

For a sub to put a Master’s collar on himself is pushy, to take it off is disrespectful on a whole nother level.

He is voluntarily removing the Dom’s ownership, protection and care.

As a friend put it “ he made the choice to literally lift (the Dom’s) care, dominance, and protection from his skin. he chose to back off and cross a line”

And a crossing of a line it certainly is.

To remove a Master’s collar, especially in the presence of his Master, is an act of willful defiance, and apathy.

He is blatantly telling his (now former) Master exactly what he thinks of that protection and ownership in no uncertain terms.

There is nothing more hurtful to a Master than this.

There is nothing more final that a sub can ever do, once done, it cannot be undone.

A submissive who does this, has removed all chance of being collared again by a Master.

It all comes down to respect.

No matter the issues a sub faces (aside from abuse), he should respect his Master enough to allow Him to remove the collar.

To not do so, only tells his Master that he has no respect whatsoever for Him, and that he himself is no longer worthy of his Master’s respect.

If a Master cannot respect a submissive, and visa-versa, there can be no bond.

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Dear Submissives

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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temptingdominance:

Can you please for for the love of god stop paying attention to that bullshit on Tumblr that tells you that you’re supposed to be a worthless object? You do realize that everybody who is spouting off about that crap doesn’t put their face or their address online?

BECAUSE IT ISN’T REAL!

You’re not going to spend your life in a basement serving somebody. It’s a fucking fantasy. And it bullshit like this that destroys the positive and meaningful interactions with in BDSM.

No one is dominant or submissive 100% of the time. It’s not possible. We’re human beings. We need to rest. We need to rejuvenate. Yeah you can have a hot session that goes on for a full weekend. You can embrace every bit of who you are as a dominant or submissive. But there’s always a break.

And if you haven’t figured this out, real dominant men provide Aftercare and take of their boys. Full stop. It’s not even a question. If somebody is going to put you through an intense situation and can’t even fucking bother holding onto you and caressing you to let you calm down, they’re just a piece of shit. There is something psychologically wrong with them and you shouldn’t be around them in the first place.

Let’s address this Alpha bullshit. No one is better than somebody else. No person is ordained as this creature that is meant to be superior to others. If someone honestly leaves that they are better than someone else on purely a basis of humanity, they are most likely a sad individual. They never achieved anything meaningful. Maybe one day they started going to the gym and realize that someone was attracted to them and then they could exert their low self-esteem on another. Can’t fucking stand people like this. And they spout their bullshit all over the internet.

And here’s the simple truth to all of this, you may read this right now and think that I’m completely wrong. But as soon as the fantasy wears off, you start to realize that a good man is far better than anything that this fantasy world could ever provide.

So please wake the fuck up. Believe in yourself. Know that you don’t deserve to be treated like crap. Submission is a gift. The dominant has to be worthy of it. You make that determination not them.

Stand up for yourself. I believe in you. Look past the bullshit.

Sincerely,

A good dominant man that’s tired of seeing people abused.

Absolutely true

More and more Ethical Sirs are gathering together in brotherhood, and spreading the message expressed so eloquently and wisely by @temptingdominance. It’s time to counteract the crapola.

August 11th, 2018 1:12am