50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

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littleoctopilove:

Whisper it lovingly as you fall asleep
Show it by loving with everything you have
Tell them in another language
Show it with tenderness in the shower together
Write it in a note they will find while they are at work
Say it while you are drunk (Loud and proud)
Show it by letting them go if you have to
Show it with a tender kiss
Show it by pulling them close while dancing
Show them by surprising them with little thoughtful things like breakfast in bed
Show it by hugging them tight when you see them happy
Write it on the bathroom mirror in the steam so they can see it after they shower
Show it with a smile when you see them doing what they love most
Say it during sex (guys growling it into her ear is mmmf imo)
Show it by sending them a text when you think of them
Prove it by being faithful
Show it (when you both are ready) with a collar
Show it while reading together by running your fingertips across their skin
Show them with thoughtful presents that they mentioned and didn’t know you heard
Show them with a ring (you know the deal… when you guys are ready)
Tell them when they do something you appreciate
Show it by holding them while they cry and being there for them
Tell them by writing it on their favorite dessert
Remind them by putting a sticky note inside their favorite book.
Tell them while you look up at the stars
Show them by working on yourself
Tell them as you giggle during play wrestling
Show them by singing to them and choosing your “song" together
Show them by putting them first
Remind them by holding their hand
Show them by drawing for them (OR COLORING)
Show them by truly getting to know them
Show them by accepting their family
Show them by sharing everything with them
Remind them with a cute nickname just for them
Show them by writing something for them
Tell them by shouting it off of a mountain! (or a hill! or a desk… whatever you have!)
Show them by being honest
Show them by sticking close in the rough times
Show them by helping them heal
Show them by offering your time
Tell them in compliments and reassuring them
Show them by giving a second chance
Show them by having hope for your relationship
Tell them after they get (or give you) spankies by giving loving aftercare
Show them and help them remember with goofy pictures together
Show them by being proud of them
Show them by never giving up on yourself
Show them by loving the things they love (even if that video game makes you motion sick)
Tell them when you feel it the most

If you love someone show them, tell them, help them understand that you love them with all of your heart <3

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

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From Mark And Angel Hack Life

This isn’t specifically for kinksters, but it aptly applies. It is a great, quick read. It helped me a lot today.

1- All successful relationships require some work. – They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves. They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts. Open communication and honesty is the key. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

2- Most of the time you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding. It’s a simple practice that works.

3- You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. – Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you.

4- There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you. Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.

5- We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time. When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.

6- You are in full control of your own happiness. – If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different. Nobody else in this world can make you happy. It’s something you have to do on your own. And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else. If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece is missing. Your partner can never ‘complete’ you because you are already whole. The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are. (Read Stumbling on Happiness.)

7- Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

8- You can’t change people; they can only change themselves. – Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example. If there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows what you need them to do.

9- Heated arguments are a waste of time. – The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you. And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don’t let your anger get the best of you. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation. (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)

10- You are better off without some people. – When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while, but it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok, and far better off in the long run.

11- Small gestures of kindness go a long way. – Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get. Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection. Remember, making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Your kindness and gratitude matters.

12- Even the best relationships don’t last forever. – People don’t live forever. Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you. You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you. And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.

Ten Types of Emotional Manipulators

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The Constant Victim - This kind of individual will always finds a way to end up as a victim in their relationships.

One-Upmanship Expert – This person uses put downs, snide remarks and criticisms, to show that they’re superior, and know much more than you.

Powerful Dependents – They hide behind the mask of being weak and powerless – then use their helplessness to dominate relationships. That is, they send the subtle message “you must not let me down.”

Triangulators – This person tries to get other people on their side. They’re quick to put you down, and to say some nasty things. They separate good friends or drive a wedge in families.

The Blasters – They blast you with their anger or they blow up suddenly. That stops you asking questions - in case there’s a showdown.

The Projector – This person thinks they’re perfect and others have the flaws. They take no ownership – because they’re never, ever wrong. 

 
The Deliberate Mis-Interpreter – They seem like a nice person – but they twist and use your words. They spread misinformation and misinterpret you. Thus, they deliberately present you in a false, negative way.

The Flirt – This person uses flirting to get their way in life. They want to be admired and to have an audience. However, your feelings and your needs are of no concern to them.

The Iron Fist – They use intimidation and throw their weight around, to use you for their ends, and to get their way in life.

The Multiple Offender – This person uses several of the techniques we’ve described – and they’ll often switch between them if it suits their purposes.

Ten Top Communication Mistakes

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No one is a perfect communicator, especially when our emotions are involved. It’s easy to say the wrong thing, take something the wrong way, or make assumptions that can quickly lead to disagreements and hurt feelings. Here are 10 of the top communication mistakes that people make and how to avoid them:

Not talking face to face. Talking over texts or email is fine for minor conversations, but you should never have an important talk this way. When you can’t hear someone’s voice, as you can on the phone or in person, it’s all too easy to mistake their tone and take something the wrong way. When someone says “fine” or “whatever” in a text message, it’s hard to tell if they’re cheerful or cold. There are so many subtleties in our tone of voice that can easily lead a conversation one way or another, and they are missed when you’re dealing in written communication. Next time you want to have an important conversation, make sure to do it in person.

Assuming they know what you want. Your partner is not a mind reader, so if you want them to do something you need to be able to just come right out and say it. It’s not fair to be mad or sulky because they weren’t able to guess what you need or want from them. Don’t make the assumption that they will anticipate your every need – just come out and tell them instead, and there won’t be any confusion.

Generalizing. Avoid making sweeping generalizations when you’re talking, like, “you never listen to me”, or, “you always put your needs ahead of mine”. It’s rare that something will “always” be true, and it only makes the other person defensive. Stick to the issue at hand and be more specific. Say something else, such as, “You weren’t listening to me last night and it really bothered me”.

Getting too emotional. Emotions are welcome in conversation, but you need to be able to control them in order to have a mature conversation that has a chance of going anywhere. If you burst into tears at the first sign of an argument or confrontation, it basically shuts down the entire conversation. Or, if you storm off, start yelling, or fly off the handle it makes it impossible for the conversation to progress. Learn ways to rein your emotions in so that you can continue with the conversation and have a chance to resolve the issue.

Putting words in their mouth. Don’t project your thoughts or feelings onto your partner by putting words into their mouth. It’s not fair to anyone to make assumptions about what they think and accuse them of feeling something that they may not be. If you have a thought on something and you want to vocalize it, just make sure that you assign responsibility of it to yourself instead of projecting it onto them.

Not thinking before you talk. Blurting things out before you’ve thought about them is a surefire way to put your foot in your mouth, offend someone, or say something that you don’t mean. Consider your audience before you talk and take a minute to filter what you’re going to say to eliminate any potentially hurtful words.

Shutting down. No conversation stands a chance if you won’t let it happen. If you shut down and refuse to talk then you’re never going to be able to resolve any issue. Conversations can sometimes be painful or filled with anxiety, but they need to happen in order to move forward. Refusing to talk about something is only going to keep you stuck in the same place.

Timing it wrong. Don’t try to have an important conversation when your partner is preparing for a big presentation, watching the superbowl, or on their way out the door in a rush. It’s not fair to spring soething on them when they’re distracted, and the conversation won’t go the way you want it to unless you can both give it your full attention.

Rehashing old stuff. Don’t bring up old grudges or arguments every time you have a new disagreement. Leave the past in the past and just deal with the issue at hand, or the conversation will become so drawn out and complicated that neither of you will even remember what you were talking about in the first place.

Not being clear in the outcome that you want. When you’re asking your partner to make changes, or do something differently, be specific and let them know what outcome you want to see happen. If you don’t ask for exactly what you want then you can’t ever expect to get it. Let them know that you want something specifc to change or to happen so they aren’t just guessing that they’ve done it right.

Ten Habits of Happy Couples

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1. Go to bed at the same time

Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.

2. Cultivate common interests

After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side

Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode

If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong

If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work

Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning

This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel

This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day

Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner

Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner

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From Submissiveguide.com

Part One:

“What do I do if my significant other is vanilla?”

This is a common situation and one which does not have an easy answer. It is important because, for many of us, it is not sufficient to simply bury our desires and needs for BDSM submission. This article will discuss how to approach your partner the ultimate goal of hopefully participating in BDSM with them.

The alternative to discussing this with your partner is to hide your desires and while this may be a safer route for some who are unwilling to risk any stress in their relationship, it has a large chance of causing damage to the relationship not only from a significant lack of your own fulfillment but also from a significant lack of open communication.

To open a dialog, communicate with your partner to understand what potential there may be if any, for BDSM to be included in your relationship. I recommend that you avoid initially inundating your partner with all of the details of your fantasies as your partner may be scared away by talk of scat or genital puncture but talk of light bondage or service should be safe to discuss if presented in a calm and open manner.

When you have the first discussion about BDSM with your partner, attempt to understand your partner’s views and attitudes and, if you receive a positive and supportive response, you may introduce a bit more detail into the conversation such as light whipping. It is probably too risky in a first or even second conversation to go into any more detail, the main point is to view and listen to your partner’s reactions.

In the first conversation do not ask your partner to participate with you in your BDSM desires because that will put him or her in an uncomfortable place of making a quick decision. Simply express your general desires and let your partner think about it for a future conversation. Putting pressure on your partner is the quickest way to scare off your partner and that is the last thing you would want to do. Be patient with your partner.

It is important to manage your own expectations in this process. You may find that your partner jumps for joy and reveals his or her secret desires to be compatible with you but that will likely not be the reality and it could be harmful if you react negatively when these ideals are not initially met. If you could get through the first discussion with your partner being supportive, then that is a positive first step even if your partner does not show any initial willingness to take part with you.

It may take your partner time, possibly an extended amount of time, to be able to participate with you so the primary goals of the first conversation or two should be

Let your partner know of your general desires for BDSM (without asking at this stage for participation); and

Avoid scaring off your partner.

Here is an example of approaching your partner for the first time about expressing your general BDSM desires: Choose a setting with no distractions in which you and your partner are very unlikely to be interrupted by dinner being ready or your favorite TV show beginning. Depending upon the general communication level between you and your partner, ask if he is she has a few minutes to discuss something with you. You want to present this as something which is important and not just some casual throwaway conversation.

Start with something familiar and add to it a beginning of what you would like your partner to know. “Remember that time a month ago when you bossed me around in the kitchen? I enjoyed that and I really like the idea of being bossed around by you.” If the initial response to this is not negative, “It really turns me on to think about being bossed around by you and under your thumb.” That might be enough for a first conversation unless he or she asks for more information such as a clarification or even an offer; if your partner starts ordering you around right then and there don’t be shy about accepting, although I wouldn’t go into this expecting your partner to have that initial reaction.

If you do not have a starting point for a conversation about the topic you would like to bring up, then you can just jump right in, carefully. “You’ve heard of people enjoying being tied up, right? I like the idea of that” and then if the initial response is not negative you can follow-up with “It’s exciting to me to think about being tied up and under your control.”

If the first conversation goes no further, then that is okay and you can end with something like “I just wanted you to know because I don’t want to hide anything from you.” This first conversation might only last one minute, which is okay.

If after the first conversation or two nothing is gained beyond these two goals, do not express disappointment or other negativity because that could prevent further advancement of your ultimate goal of participating with your partner. To repeat: Manage your own expectations.

After the initial conversation, have a follow-up conversation hopefully a day or two later to determine your partner’s feelings, once he or she has had time to think about it. It may be helpful to mostly repeat the first conversation, just to reinforce for your partner that this is important to you while making sure that your partner understands your general desires.

Depending on how the second conversation goes, you may want to ask explicitly how your partner feels about this. “So how do you feel about this?” is a good open-ended question towards the end of the second conversation. By contrast, “So would you like to participate with me?” may be too risky at this stage as it may be too pushy unless your partner has shown enthusiasm or strong support. Avoid asking yes or no questions because that backs your partner into a corner.

In later conversations with your partner about BDSM, it may be helpful to go into further details and to ask about your partner’s desires more explicitly. Once your partner feels comfortable that you are still the person he or she cares for, it is reasonable to ask something like “On a scale from 0 to 10, how much to you think you might be interested in participating with me?” This avoids the dreaded yes/no dynamic.

You will need to see how the conversations go with an eye towards not putting your partner on the spot to decide but to hopefully keep the conversation moving forward towards your goal. It is a difficult balance between finding out your partner’s stance without pushing your partner into a decision but it is well worth the time and effort in finding that balance with your partner.

You may find that your partner is willing to participate with you even if not with as much initial enthusiasm as you hope for or need but that the enthusiasm may grow over time. That is a subject for a future article.

What if your partner shoots you down and is not interested at all? In this case be supportive of your partner’s freedom to choose. Remain positive because this is not the end of the story. At a later date, perhaps after a few days, bring up the issue again and see if your partner has the same response, or try sending your partner an e-mail which expresses your general desires without being negative. By this time, your partner may have remorse at shooting you down and may want to work this out. Also, bringing the issue up again gives a clear message that this is important to you and not just a minor issue. If you get shot down a second time then wait a week or two and bring it up again. If you get shot down a third time then the situation will likely not change soon and you would need to deal with the difficult situation. That situation is for a future article.

As a summary:

First conversation: express a mild version of your general BDSM desires but do not ask your partner for any sort of decision;

Second conversation: mostly repeat the first conversation and ask how your partner feels about this;
Tread lightly to avoid scaring off your partner;

Manage your own expectations; even if there is a significant setback do not express negativity; and
Maintain positive communications; there is nothing more of a game-killer than negativity.

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Part 2- My Partner is Not Interested

Dealing with a situation in which your vanilla partner is not receptive to what has been discussed.

As mentioned in part 1, if after the first conversation in which you have expressed a mild version of your BDSM desires your partner does not show any interest, then go ahead and have a second conversation which is mostly a repeat of the first and ask how your partner feels on a scale of 0-10. Ideally, your partner will express some interest and then you can discuss how you may participate together, that is a topic for future part 3 of this article.

What do you do if your partner isn’t particularly interested?

There are two types of this situation: A) your partner is not interested but seems willing to take part in some way though only as a way to give you some of what you need and B) your partner is not interested in participating.

Situation A: If your partner is not interested but willing to participate in order to make you happy, then even if that is not your wish it is probably a good idea to discuss and plan for participation and see how it goes. For my own personal preference, I would not want a partner who did not enjoy participating – I envision a dominant chewing gum and holding a book in one hand while using the other hand to whack me with a ping-pong paddle without even looking at me, not my idea of fun! – but by allowing my partner to participate initially we could see how it goes and maybe my partner would learn to actually enjoy it. This is not ideal but over time, possibly weeks, my partner might enjoy it and then we would both get what we want in the long-term which is mutual enjoyment through BDSM. On the other hand, if the participation just isn’t fun the first couple of times then you may decide not to continue it. It is up to you for how many times or how often you would like to continue with your partner’s participation. In any case, keep open the lines of communication with your partner.

For example, if ideally, you would like to have a half hour scene of torture with your partner tying you down, whipping you, and enjoying it, then your partner could do a very mild version of this by tying you down and whipping you up to his or her comfort level. See how it goes. You would need to let your partner decide the comfort level and keep in mind this situation is for when the partner is fully willing to participate and offers to help. Don’t try to convince your partner to take part in this situation, if your partner is just not interested in participating then having to convince him or she would probably not lead to a good long-term ending and instead see situation B below.

If your partner is participating only to please you, then offer a thank you regardless of how well the scene went. Even if you did not particularly enjoy it, your partner has gone out of his or her way to try to help you achieve what you desire and that in itself deserves gratitude. At some point after each scene discuss with your partner your feelings – focusing on the positive without discussing the negative unless you have a serious issue to discuss such as improper safety during a scene – and ask for a 0-10 idea on what your partner is feeling. As time goes on you will need to decide whether your partner’s feelings and enthusiasm are enough for what you are looking for. If the participation is sufficient for you at least initially, then that is great and be patient with your partner while continuing to set aside time to discuss both of your feelings when not in a scene.

Situation A

is difficult because it may not be easy to decide whether your partner is participating just to please you. Your partner may seem to just be going through the motions and not doing a good job during a scene but then tell you that the interest level is a 6 out of 10 which is a decent early interest level. In this case, your partner may just need some tips so discuss with your partner how you can help with advice or links to articles if they would want that.

In my case I asked my previously vanilla wife if it would be helpful for me to write a script and she said yes that would be very helpful so that is what I did, writing out a list of specific activities in order and with approximate time frames – 5 minutes with a bullwhip followed by 2 minutes with a crop, and so on – and that was a big help for her to understand the types of activities and durations I would enjoy going forward without my writing any more scripts. The next time she tortured me for a long scene it was without a script and it was amazing. Your vanilla partner may not have any idea on how to top or dominate during a scene so any help you can provide ahead of time would likely be appreciated.

In discussions, rely on the 0-10 rating your partner gives you and reinforce with your partner that you are looking for an honest opinion. If the interest level of your partner never rises to a decent level then you need to decide whether to keep going as is with your partner participating only to please you. Maybe that would be sufficient for you, it is up to you to decide.

What if your partner gives it a try but it just isn’t working out and you decide to end your partner’s participation? I do not have a good answer for this. If this occurs then I recommend looking at the last two paragraphs of this article before the summary.

Situation B

: If your partner is not interested and not offering to participate, then that is not the end of the story. If BDSM is important to you, then bring up the topic again a few weeks later with essentially a repeat of the first two conversations. The tone should not be anything like “C’mon, give it a try!” it should be something like “I just wanted to talk about this again because this is so important to me.” Give your partner time, possibly days, to digest this information which seems to be a repeat but is actually letting your partner know how important it is to you.

Bringing it up this third-time weeks later really lets your partner know the importance. You are not just asking for what to have for dinner or a popular song you would like to share with your partner, BDSM is an important part of your life. I am not suggesting badgering your partner. It is not badgering to calmly and rationally in a non-distracted setting express your desires. You are not specifically asking for anything. You are simply stating your desires and then allowing your partner to offer an honest reaction.

This third conversation, weeks after the other two, may get a reaction in which your partner is willing to take part and in that case, see Situation A above. If not, then don’t hesitate to have a follow-up fourth conversation about it a day or two later after your partner has had time to think about it, and ask your partner’s feelings 0-10 if your partner is not otherwise clear with his or her feelings.

If your partner puts you on the spot by asking if you would end the relationship if BDSM were not included, answer either no or that you don’t know for certain, whichever seems most comfortable to you. I recommend against answering yes unless you are truly ready for the relationship to potentially end right then and there, which is a huge step and not to be answered with just one word.

If your partner simply isn’t interested and there does not seem to be an avenue for further discussions, such as another follow-up discussion a week or two later, then I do not have any advice for that situation. I am not any sort of expert or professional about this. If that occurred to me then I would seek help from a relationship counselor because BDSM is important enough to me not to simply close the door. However, I would not do anything to remotely cheat on my wife including going to a professional or any other dominant without discussing it with my wife because that would have a big chance of doing great harm to the relationship and to my own well-being.

Above all, stay positive. It is not productive to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner by criticizing or complaining to him or her, as tempting as it might be. Even when a situation seems hopeless, there is usually a way forward even if that way does not seem clear at the moment. Unless you are in the last few years of your life there is time for things to turn around and you never know what can change over time.

As a summary:

If your partner is not particularly receptive to your BDSM desires, then one of two situations likely applies:

Your partner is willing to take part to some degree but without much enthusiasm – in this case, participate and help provide as much advice as your partner would accept, see how it goes.

Your partner is not willing to participate – in this case wait a few weeks and bring up the issue again so that your partner understands how truly important BDSM is to you, allow your partner time to think about it

Keep open the lines of communication and take the time to have discussions with your partner
Remain positive, the most reliable way to shut doors is to be negative and by remaining positive you keep the possibility that there is a resolution to the situation.

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Part 3- My Partner is Interested!

In this final part, we examine how to proceed if your vanilla partner reacts positively from either the approach in part 1 or part 2.

Your partner has reacted to the revelation of your BDSM desires in a positive way or at least is willing to participate. Congratulations! This is a huge first step. It may seem to you and me that most anyone should appreciate the submission we have to offer but that is not always the case and there is no guarantee that a partner – even one who is cherished for life – would react positively. So be encouraged that you have gone this far with your partner because it may still not be smooth sailing and you may need that feeling of encouragement when practicing perhaps more patience than you may initially expect.

A couple of words of advice: safety and service. Your partner will probably not be aware of safety issues related to the activities you will be sharing so discuss common safety concerns. Your partner may become concerned or even alarmed but reassure your partner that the activities you are discussing are practiced safely by likely hundreds of thousands of people and with an eye on safety there is no significant risk of a problem.

Service is a good way to help your partner enjoy the BDSM journey you embark on together. Even if you are not a submissive who enjoys providing service, try to find ways in which you can be of service such as offering to wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash your partner’s car, or more intimate service such as sexual activities your partner particularly enjoys (or all of the above!). This is not negotiation or quid-pro-quo, it is simply you being a more affectionate partner and perhaps adding submission to your motivation. Push yourself to a certain extent to do this even if there is a time when things aren’t going very well.

A great service to provide for your partner is a long massage during which you can talk about BDSM or other topics. This not only pleases your partner who may associate your better attitude with the BDSM experiences you two are sharing but it also helps keep the lines of communication open to discuss your mutual enjoyment or any issues. Be clear that the service you are providing does not have strings attached so that your partner does not feel pressured to reciprocate in any way.

Even after your partner has accepted your BDSM desires without a negative judgment and perhaps even participated in some light activities as discussed in part 1, your partner will likely have some reservations and may or may not be ready for more detailed information about your desires. How much to discuss in detail is highly dependent upon how extreme your desires would likely be viewed by your partner, your partner’s general openness to new and potentially uncomfortable ideas, how important it is to you to reveal more details, and the overall communication level in your relationship.

In your initial discussions, you may have a sense of this already. When you initially discussed your desires with your partner, did your partner seem uncomfortable and did it take some time for your partner to get used to the idea? Or did your partner smile without a hint of negativity and seem glad that you opened up about your desires? It will be up to you to judge when you think your partner is ready for more information.

You should not avoid discussing your desires for too long or else it may become a source of stress for you. For example, if you have already revealed that you enjoy being tied to the bed and spanked lightly (relatively mild activities) and you are considering whether or not to reveal that you would enjoy being whipped hard in the back until you are screaming and crying in pain (something a bit more extreme than just light spanking), how important is it to you and how do you think your partner would react to this situation? Your partner may need some time to get used to BDSM in your lives or your partner may be ready to learn more about you. There is no guideline to the time needed, it depends on the individuals.

Here is an even more important factor: do not push your partner into doing anything they do not want to do. It is not pushing to reveal your desires as long as that is the focus of your conversation. On the other hand, if you say something like “I want you to whip me very hard for 15 minutes” that puts a burden on your partner which could be a form of pushing. A statement such as “I would love to be whipped very hard for 15 minutes” might also be viewed as pushing but it is simply stating your desires and if mentioned as part of a discussion it would likely not be seen as pushing.

On the one hand you don’t want to bottle up your desires but on the other hand, you don’t want to push. The middle ground approach is to wait until your partner seems ready for the information and then reveal it as your desire.

That brings us to patience. Your partner may take the ball and run with it once you reveal your desires. Your partner may read books, scour the internet, go to BDSM forums for advice, and have discussions with you in which your partner attempts to learn how to best dominate you. In that case, you are in a best case scenario. Be open and honest and help your partner with detailed information or links to websites if your partner is open to that. For example, if you enjoy bastinado, find a good bastinado step-by-step description. Your partner is new to BDSM and it is not likely that your partner will become more than a novice in a short period of time.

However, the scenario I describe in which your partner will jump in with both feet will often not be the case and you should expect that the process will be much slower. You may go for weeks or months without experiencing nearly as much BDSM as you would like.

You need to be patient. And patience may be very difficult because you want to submit. Your partner will likely need time to overcome a lifetime of natural and learned instinct not to hurt or otherwise dominate you. Also, even if your partner overcomes that, your partner may take the time to truly enjoy dominating you. You may find that at times the level of BDSM in your relationship ebbs and flows and you may become discouraged in the seeming lack of progress.

If you become discouraged then try to remain patient if you can. Think rationally about your partner’s actions. Does it appear that your partner is losing interest in BDSM? Or are you just presently unfulfilled because you are not experiencing as much BDSM as you want? If only the latter applies, then try to hold on and focus on your partner’s apparent interest level because that is your potential light at the end of the tunnel.

If your partner is, in your rational view, appearing to lose interest then discuss this in calm detail when not distracted, similar to your initial discussions of your BDSM desires. Try to focus the discussion on how much your partner is or is not enjoying dominating you and on which activities or mindsets your partner finds most enjoyable about it.

Maybe your partner just doesn’t enjoy bastinado but does enjoy tying you up. Maybe your partner needs some time to work up to rough sex or whipping hard. If the issue is just a matter of specific activities, compromise so that both you and your partner may enjoy the experience. There is no rush. At a later date your partner may decide that more activities are worth trying so hopefully, you can enjoy for now BDSM without some of the activities you enjoy.

Ask “On a scale of 1-10 what would you say is your enjoyment level?” Avoid asking yes or no questions such as “Are you enjoying this?” because that backs your partner into a corner. It is good to ask this 1-10 scale question from time to time (perhaps once a week or more for the first couple of months) even if things seem to be going well because it will give you either encouragement or an indication that more discussion would be helpful, and in general it may open up more communication which is good for any relationship.

If your partner’s overall desire for BDSM seems to be truly decreasing, then gently try to understand what may be causing that. If the issue is the specific activities then that may be addressed through compromise and tweaking of the activities you participate in. If the issue is just that your partner is not enjoying it much, then be supportive and indicate that you are patient in case your partner needs more time to get used to it. Be willing to tone down or go without BDSM for a period of time (such as a week) and check in with your partner from time to time to see if feelings (1-10 scale) have changed.

Your BDSM submissive desires are important to you. Unless your partner just says no way anyhow, give your partner time and patience and check in with your partner from time to time to let your partner know how important it is to you, similar to the approach discussed in part 1. Do not push, asking for your partner’s views and feelings is not pushing.

At some point what you likely hope is for your newly dominant partner to find creative ways to dominate you, within the guidelines you have provided to your partner. Unless you have only a very specific and limited list of activities you want, the ideal situation is for your newly dominant partner to take active control of not only a scene but even deciding exactly which activities will occur. But that, too, may take time even if your partner is willing. You cannot will it to occur and pushing would not help.

Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage your partner. Did you enjoy when your partner told you to crawl on the floor as a puppy? Tell your partner how wonderful it was, later after the scene is over. Your partner may already know this from your actions during the scene as you wagged your tail and barked happily but it is extremely helpful to hear it in your own (human) words later just to be sure. Praise your partner for as much as you reasonably can, including individual parts of a scene. Some examples are “I loved the look on your face when you were scolding me,” “You were giggling in joy while whipping me, I loved that!” and “Your finger placed right there really drove me wild.”

Try to avoid negative comments as much as you can. Did your partner not hit you hard enough with the belt on your back? Don’t say that. Do keep an eye on the issue and if your partner is repeating this sort of issue then, by all means, discuss it together, such as “It’s up to you but you can whip me harder with the belt if you want” after two or three scenes. That is a much more effective statement than the accusatory statement “You didn’t hit me hard enough with the belt the past few times.”

In contrast, bring up safety issues as soon as you can. Is your partner whacking you with a crop over and over on your lower back? Call the safe word if you need to (yellow, for example) and calmly explain that this particular activity could cause damage to the kidneys. Hopefully, you will have already discussed safety issues ahead of time but it’s difficult to cover every angle ahead of time and it is worth stopping a scene for safety.

In these articles, I have focused several times on the importance of timing for communications such as when to reveal more extreme desires and when to bring up issues but this is not meant to imply that you should bottle up your feelings. Feelings and most everything else should be discussed with your partner. If your feelings are strong enough to override the timing concerns I have mentioned, then, by all means, discuss the issue with your partner when you need to. There is a balance between not pushing your partner or making your partner uncomfortable, with not bottling up your feelings and opinions and this balance is something which you will probably need to navigate through on your BDSM journey.

One other issue which may come up is that your partner may feel the need to do or be something which your partner is not comfortable with. For example, your partner may read an article which states “A Dominant must portray confidence at all times or else the scene will be ruined” and this may make your partner feel uncomfortable. Assure your partner that everyone has their own views on BDSM and there is no right or true way. The best way to experience BDSM is however you two want to experience it, as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual.

A question you may be asking is “What on earth makes me think that my partner would be interested in dominating me at all?” This is very valid as many people would not be interested in dominating whatsoever and the initial discussion may not get past part 1 of this series of articles. However, your partner has something which very few vanilla people have: a submissive who is willing to help with caring advice and patience. Your partner may learn to enjoy dominating you initially just to please you, then grow to truly enjoy the effect it has on you, and even possibly enjoy the activities in themselves with the effect heightened by your mutual enjoyment. If your partner grows to truly enjoy the effects on you from your partner’s domination and looks forward to dominating you, that is a win-win and it is a realistic goal for any submissive with a vanilla partner.

There are many more topics which may come up on your BDSM journey as these articles are only the tip of the iceberg. It is very difficult to anticipate which issues will come up ahead of time but www.FetLife.com is a very good community with groups in which you will see others who are going through a version of your same journey, with many of the concerns you and your partner may have. I encourage you and your partner if your partner is interested (remember not to push), to join FetLife and take advantage of the advice provided in addition to learning about different BDSM mindsets and activities.

As a summary of this article:

• 1. Be patient with your partner who may be slow in progressing with dominant desires, do not push your partner; 
• 2. Discuss basic safety issues since your partner is new to BDSM; 
• 3. Provide extra services such as chores or massage; 
• 4. Praise your partner for positive experiences, do not criticize; 
• 5. Reveal your more extreme BDSM desires slowly, when your partner seems ready; 
• 6. Ask your partner’s opinions on the overall enjoyment on a 1-10 scale and whether or not there are specific activities your partner would want more or less of; and 
• 7. Join FetLife for advice and information.

Most of all relax and have fun. It may take time for your partner to warm up to BDSM as much as you may need, be patient and keep the lines of communication open. There is no right way to approach this topic and these are only guidelines to help past some of the potential difficulties.

If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to contact me at nrjb2@yahoo.com or on FetLife with my username Ted_Subby. Happy submitting!

How to Find a Partner

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Jack Rinella:

We used to live on Shaker Road, the main thoroughfare between Albany, NY, and its airport. It was only a two lane highway but dangerous enough that I wasn't allowed to cross it by myself. Sometime past my eleventh birthday my mother gave me permission to cross the street alone. Thus opened a whole new vista to explore.

I remember running across the street and up this six or seven foot embankment into unknown territory. I wandered through a young forest, across wide fields and eventually into a small ravine. As a matter of fact there were many gullies over there, each containing a small streamlet.

Turning over a rock in one of those little creeks might reveal a salamander. The more rocks you turned, the more salamanders you could catch. Oh, lots of rocks were barren of life-forms. Many salamanders were too small to keep. Some got away. Some rocks were too heavy to lift. In any case, every once in a while my cruising for a pet salamander paid off. I made my trips across the street a regular part of my summertime week, bringing a jar with me because I knew I would be coming home with salamanders.

I've told that story hundreds of times to make the simple point that you've got to play the numbers. A wide search will uncover more prospects than a narrow one. Many trials will reveal more discoveries than fewer. It's all part of a salesman's logic: The more prospects you contact the more customers you make.

So it is with finding a partner. The lonely hearts among you who dream of a relationship need only to do less dreaming and more prospecting.

During a phone call from a slave-applicant yesterday, I was told that "the bars in San Francisco" are a terrible place to find a Master. That's why the guy, who lives in SF, was flying to Washington, D.C. to meet his newest prospective Master. That information, of course, launched me into my usual sermon about there "not being any Masters in LA." Of course there are Masters in SF, LA, NY, and everywhere in between. They may be as hard to find as salamanders under rocks, but they are there.

I won't say you won't find a Master under a rock, but I would suggest you try other reasonable locations as well. Try lots of them: bars, clubs, baths, the Internet, chat lines and rooms, classified ads, workshops, contests, conventions, runs, bulletin boards. Ask friends, strangers, bartenders, and authors, writers, and columnists. The operative word here is "Ask."

My mother would interject all sorts of cliches at this point. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," she always says. "The squeaky wheel gets the most grease. Two heads are better than one. Don't leave a stone unturned." The other person worth quoting said, "You have not because you ask not."

Be consistent in your approach. If you look sporadically, you'll have less chance of attaining your objective than if you maintain a regular schedule. Search the classifieds, for instance, every week, not just once in a great while. Don't just look at their ads, place your own.

I suspect that the greatest difficulty in finding a partner is getting over one's present inertia. If you are the stay-at-home type you're going to come up with millions of reasons not to become pro-active in a search for a partner.

That is perfectly acceptable. There is nothing wrong with solitude. If your present lifestyle is good enough for you, it's good enough for you. On the other hand, if there is this sense of loneliness, emptiness, or disconnectedness in your life, only you can do something to change it.

I could have spent years looking for salamanders in my front yard. There would never have been any there to find. Only by venturing into "uncharted territory" could I create the opportunity I needed to get what I wanted.

The search, of course, is often fun in itself, but more importantly, it holds two crucial components that lead to success.

The first is that searching helps to refine one's concept of one's objective. That means that the more you look, the better you will know for what you are looking. Let's take a common example. Steve thinks he wants a Master. The more Masters he meets the more he will know exactly what kind of Master he really wants. The process of discovery is very much a process of elimination. You know Edison's remark about his 1,000 failed light bulb experiments. They taught him 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb! Those "failed" lessons led to his eventual success.

So it is with finding partners. Sure you're going to meet a lot of really nice men and women who are perfectly unsuited for you. Each unsatisfactory encounter is going to give you important information that will lead you to your goal. More than simply help you to define your objective, the search will present you with invaluable opportunities to know yourself.

There are plenty of Masters in LA. The bars of SF are great places to successfully cruise. Those who think differently are those who fail to know themselves.

Finding your Dominant

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Unknown Author:

So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you want to explore the possibilities they offer further. The question is, how do you find someone, either dominant or submissive with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or discretion?

In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online. While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle, only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real relationships. In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather than on finding a real life partner. Time and time again I have people tell me about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time again those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact, they need smiles and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.

In this Master's opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat roomrelationships rarely turn into successful real life ones. If you're serious about finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex. I personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationshipand when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A year is an awful amount of time to waste.

A better way to find that perfect Dominant or submissive, is to hook into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties, munches and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSMClubs in the yellow pages, be aware that many of the folk who attend such events are pretty much 'out there' as far as their sexual proclivities are concerned, and consequently their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be. If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked "who were those leather clad weirdo's I saw you with Saturday?" you're better off giving them a wide berth.

To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on line. Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them properly.

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Step 1 - Prepare

You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination and put yourself into a 'virtual' Dominant submissive relationship. What is the relationship like? How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules? What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want. When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.

Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for, you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the articles on this and other sites and look at some of the lifestyle books,such as Different Loving by Gloria Brame).that are so readily available.

As a rule of thumb Dominants can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a submissive tick and submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master or Dominant may demand of them.

By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and day-to-day vanilla experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla relationship - so why should a dominant submissive relationship be any different?

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Step 2 - Advertise

Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth spending a bit of time on it and getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.

For gay kinky men: Recon.com

For everybody else:  FetLife.com

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Step 3 - Taking it further

Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads - submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not 'make the first move', but if the Dominants didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with the right person.

(A note for submisives - it's not uncommon for personals sites to allow free female members to reply to ads but not to allow free male advertisers to do so - all the more reason for you to reply to ads, and all the more reason for the men to stump up with the cash to become a paid up member.)

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A few Do's and Don'ts:

DO:

• Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
• Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
• Be polite and avoid crudity
• Take your time to get the reply right
• Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on hotmail.com specifically for the purpose)

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DON'T

• Include your phone number or anything that might identify you
• Be tempted to respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
• Be impolite
• Overstate your interests or experience
• Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs
• Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.

Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you're asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.

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Step 4 - Meeting

So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to you ad, responded to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of you are looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone calls. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait. Just before I go though, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly for the ladies:

Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.

Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.

Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.

Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.

Take a cell phone with you.

Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.

Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well for you.

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s

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sexgeek:

I recently taught a workshop called “Doing it 24/7: The Basics of Everyday Dominance and Submission.” It was an interesting experience—essentially it showed me that there’s a strong interest in the topic that goes way beyond what can fit into a 90-minute time slot. I’m seriously thinking of developing a workshop series on the topic and offering it on a weekly basis in Toronto somewhere. In the meantime, I figured I’d post some of the basic stuff I started with.

First, let me frame this. I’m not drawing a distinction between 24/7 D/s and M/s, because I find that different people use the terms in overlapping ways. So rather than say what I think each one is, I’ll just say that I’m talking about relationships that involve a full-time power hierarchy. For me, that means relationships in which the two (or more) people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic, and that this dynamic extends outside the time that the people spend in one another’s presence. Certainly a lot of what I’m writing about will also apply to people who are in a consistent power dynamic that’s more time-bound—in which control on the dominant’s part does not extend past the time the two people are physically together or in direct communication—but my premise in writing this is to address the needs of D/s and M/s relationships that are in place and actively operational 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

With that in mind, here are the ten principles I’ve distilled for healthy 24/7 relationships.

1. Consent and strong desire.

This is the basic foundation for any relationship, but it becomes especially relevant in D/s. You are choosing because you want this, and you want it enough to make it an everyday thing rather than an occasional one. You are at choice at every point; if you are building trust, there is no need for shackles. And I’m serious about the idea of strong desire. It is possible to convince someone to dominate you or submit to you temporarily when they aren’t really into it. It’s not a great idea, but it happens, and it can work out okay in limited circumstances. Now, it’s also possible to convince someone to do that 24/7. But that is a very, very shaky foundation for a long-term relationship, and it won’t really give you the meat of what you’re looking for anyway; it will just give you the shell of it. Speaking as a dominant, I’ve realized that if I’m not 110% interested, I simply cannot sustain the kind of focus and effort required to maintain a 24/7 relationship, and that does not serve anyone well—myself or the submissive.

Also, on the topic of consent, there’s a persistent fantasy that in D/s or M/s, you give consent once and then it’s assumed forever. On the surface it may look like that, but believe me, it’s not that simple. Some relationships, after an extensive period (read: many years) of solidly established trust, will reach a point where the two people are so symbiotic that what we’d normally think of as “consent” doesn’t really matter anymore—but that’s not because it’s disappeared. Rather, it’s become an intrinsic part of the fabric of things. The partners know each other so well that they want the same things and move together seamlessly. You don’t get there overnight, or even in a few months. And depending on your personalities and how they interact, it may not happen at all, and that’s okay. So don’t see this as a goal or an ideal.

2. Distinction between fantasy and reality.

You are not extending your wank fantasies into your everyday reality; you will not be aroused at all times. 24/7 happens when you’re doing it for reasons beyond orgasm (even if arousal and orgasm are a big, or even essential, part of the draw). This is not a huge ongoing role-play scenario. It’s an intensification of the power-based parameters in which you live your everyday life. If you simply try to extend a role-play scenario into your entire relationship, you’ll find that the narrow parameters of a persona or character are simply not big enough to encompass who you are, and need to be, every hour of every day. 24/7 is not about restricting yourself to a specific set of characteristics the way you can for an hour or two in a scene; it’s about bringing all of who you are to the table and offering it within a full-spectrum relationship. That means you’re doing it regardless of what you’re wearing (leather, work drag, bunny slippers…) and where you are (bedroom, dungeon, airport, family dinner) and what you’re doing (fucking, working, eating breakfast, hanging out with friends). Yes, this means you may need to find ways to scale up and down the overt visibility of your D/s; no, it does not mean you’re turning t on or off at will. A lot of the classic “it’s just play” concepts that you might hear in a BDSM 101 workshop are going to go right out the window here because what you are doing is not a scene. It comes with a whole different – related, but different – psychology.

3. Clean motivation.

You are choosing from a place of strength. You do not need this, you just want it a lot. In other words, you’re not doing D/s because you’re dependent on a D/s dynamic to be able to function in life. You are not making up for dysfunction, and if you should discover dysfunction along the way, you have a…

4. Commitment to work on your own shit.

Intense power relationships will bring you face to face with whatever issues you need to work on; your ability to sustain your D/s relationship depends on your willingness to deal with them, and your partner’s willingness, and your mutual willingness to deal with theirs. Independently of the relationship you’re in now, if applicable, your progress in D/s and the success of future relationships also depends on your willingness to deal with your own shit—being eternally single or simply repeating the patterns you had trouble with in the last relationship will not help. Hint: if the same thing keeps going wrong in every relationship, you don’t just need to find the right person; you need to change yourself.

At the same time as you both need to commit to working on your shit, you also need to find a way to balance this with a commitment to taking each other as you are. While you can work on specific things, and while major change does take place sometimes, you cannot fundamentally change a person into something they are not, and you certainly can’t expect major change to happen quickly or exactly as you’d like it to. So don’t enter 24/7 if your happiness is going to be dependent on a radical or immediate personality shift on the others’ part.

5. Acknowledgement of equality.

You are choosing a relationship form that suits you because of your individual chemistry and fit, NOT because one of you is inherently superior, and certainly not because of gender, sex, race, age, financial situation, ability, community standing, etc.

I can’t tell you how grouchy it makes me when people blather about the “natural” superiority of a given group and therefore that group’s suitability for dominance, or the “natural” inferiority of another group and therefore their suitability for submission. (This mostly comes up with sex, by which I mean male and female—because there are only two options in this line of thought. And that often looks like “all women are goddesses” or the more classically sexist “all men are dominant.” But it also comes up with race, age and any number of other features.) For starters, don’t even start me on how riddled with fallacies the whole idea of “natural” is, and how easily any argument based on an idea of “natural” can get flipped to support its exact opposite, no matter what group you’re talking about. But most importantly, D/s is not about inferiority and superiority—it’s about the voluntary polarization of power roles, not a difference in quality between two human beings.

6. Acknowledgement of your humanity.

You will each make mistakes because you are human; neither of you is immune to fucking up. Build that understanding into your relationship, along with ways to deal with fuck-ups on either part. Hint: dominants can and do apologize when they fuck up. A powerful, dignified apology, when needed, is a building block for a solid relationship, and the very epitome of trustworthy dominance. But beyond the question of specific time-bound fuck-ups, even at the best of times, the intensity and polarity of D/s and M/s can place great pressure on each person involved. And we all have limits, even if those limits do well to be challenged at times. So if there’s something that doesn’t fit or isn’t working, that needs to be on the table and dealt with as it comes up, or the relationship’s structural integrity will crumble. Hint: remove the word “should” from your mental vocabulary and you will get a lot farther. For example, instead of “Dominants should always be stoic,” or “Submissives should anticipate a dominant’s every need,” you might say “I feel like my emotional expression is going to damage your trust in my stability,” or “I want to be able to better anticipate your needs.” Now you have the beginning of a real conversation.

7. Strong communication.

Double standards around communication are not a sign of dominance, they’re a sign of hypocrisy. Frame it however you will, but communication is essential—and that does not mean the submissive baring their soul while the dominant remains impassive. Communication works both ways. So regardless of your place in the D/s relationship, take a look at your communication patterns as they are, identify the places you need to improve, and work on them. Improving your communication skills is a lifelong project for most of us, and it is wise to see that as a good thing rather than as a chore. Then, do the same for the way your communication patterns intersect with your partner’s, and work on those too. Yes, it will be hard. Do it anyway. Learn to love it. Results will follow.

8. Restriction of D/s to the relationship.

Or at most, restriction to within a specifically agreed-upon community or an extended relational context—as in, ten people are all members of a group or leather family and explicitly agree that all submissives will behave a certain way toward all dominants, and vice versa; or, you are my submissive, Valerie is my fellow dominant, and we all agree that when she’s around you will serve her needs in the same way you serve mine. Failing an explicit agreement otherwise, this is a power hierarchy between you and your partner, not between you and your community, or you and every dominant or submissive you meet, or you and everyone in the world. Keep your D/s within its bounds. Otherwise you will turn into one of those nightmare dominants or submissives that everyone kinky wants to avoid (hello, consent!) and everyone else thinks is messed up in the head (which doesn’t do much to improve our image as perverts). Not to mention you’ll be exhausted.

9. Support.

D/s relationships are intense. Have I mentioned that? Intense, soul-searching relationships that affect every moment of every day do not exist in a vacuum. The kind of exploration and self-revelation that so often comes with D/s can make you go a bit nuts if you have no outside support. That support can take many forms:
Participation in a kink community can be incredibly helpful—it can provide relationship models for you to look at and learn from or discard as needed. Even if everyone around you does their kink differently than you do, that can help you better understand who you are (and are not) and what you’re doing (and not doing).
Reading (check out my annotated reading list here), workshops, discussion groups, and any number of other educational resources can similarly give you ideas to chew on, frameworks that may or may not work for you, and language to help you understand and express what you’re getting up to.
And last but not least, friends you can talk to about D/s. Non-kinky (but kink-friendly) friends are a great start, because the kind of challenges that come up in D/s are often similar to those in any other relationship. But frequently enough, D/s relationship issues will also have a character all their own, and even the most open-minded or well-intentioned vanilla friend may have a hard time truly getting it. It can be extremely helpful to build friendships with fellow D/s practitioners so you can offer each other a supportive shoulder when needed. Hint: Don’t wait until you need help… start building those friendships right away, and make sure you offer your own listening ear.

A brief caution: a classic warning sign that a D/s relationship is not so healthy is when one of the partners tells the other not to talk about it with anyone else, or not to participate in community. Of course you want to maintain basic respect for each other and your relationship – airing your dirty laundry for all to see, or trashing your partner loudly at a play party, is just not classy. But having one or two trusted friends to turn to in times of trouble can be essential, and a wise dominant will encourage the submissive to seek out support rather than discouraging it.

10. Patience.

This stuff takes a long time to build into great depth, and often a dominant’s job is to hold back, not to rush forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being in a polarized power situation is simply not something that’s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn—about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it. Don’t extend past your own limits because you feel pressure to do it all right-now-tout-de-suite. I do say that it’s often the dominant’s job to hold back, because I often see it happen that a submissive is totally gung-ho and champing at the bit while their dominant is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to hold tight. I liken it to the image of an enthusiastic dog who’s pulling on a leash so hard that their owner ends up running to keep up. Sure, it’s still technically D/s, but at some point you have to ask who’s actually in charge of it. And if you both want the dominant to be in charge, then the dominant sets the pace and the submissive heels. So in that sense, patience needs to come from the submissive too—metaphorically speaking (because no, I don’t think all submissives are like dogs), don’t yank on the leash. D/s does not come with a deadline, so don’t impose one unnecessarily.

The Rewards of a Submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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fortheloveofasub:

Much is written of submission on blogs and in chat rooms, and images abound of “submissives” and their so-called “Doms.” But what most BDSM sites and blogs present is entertainment, sexual titillation, and at times outright coercion and abuse rather than an exploration of genuine submission and the amazing rewards it can bring to a Dom. Earning the submission of another human being is a process that takes patience, dedication, concern, love, empathy, listening skills, and above all, integrity. But if or when it happens, the feeling is indescribable!

Submission is earned; it is neither coerced or manipulated. And to be meaningful for me, it must come from a woman whom I unreservedly revere and admire. The greater her will, intellect, artistic ability, grace, kindness and beauty, the greater the reward of earning her submission. To that end, earning the submission of such a woman is not the end state but rather just the beginning, because I want more. More of her. All of her. And to do that, she must be allowed to grow to her full potential, which means giving her the space and encouragement to be everything she is capable of being. She is the gift. The better and more whole she is, the more precious the gift to me.

Therefor, to my way of thinking, a submissive is not a slave. Quite the opposite. She is a free being who has chosen of her own will to give herself unreservedly to me. Catching a hummingbird in a net just feels mean spirited and destructive. Having that same hummingbird land on your fingertip of its own accord is a soaring experience. So it is for me with a woman’s submission.

There are many woman (and men) who are so insecure they will throw themselves at the feet of a Dom for mere acceptance and the illusion of love. This is not submission, it is desperation. In it, there is little reward for a Dom beyond pitty and satisfying their own broken wing syndrome; rescuing. This is not submission, it is codependence and is vastly unhealthy for all involved.

But, when a would-be Dom can reach into the mind of a confident, well-read, intelligent and capable woman, captivating her imagination and earning her respect and adoration, magic happens! When she bends her knees of her own accord. When you see the look of adoration in her eyes. When she unreservedly gives you her heart, mind, and soul. Pure Magic!

BDSM, S/M, and D/s imagery focusses most on the physical aspects of the power exchange. This is only natural…it is what the camera sees best. Only the occasional image adequately begins to convey the strength and beauty of the spiritual and emotional bond between a submissive and her Dom. But when it does, it is a special picture and genuinely stands out. Usually the devotion shows first in the eyes and secondarily in the postures of the Dom and/or his submissive. Feelings are so difficult to capture in an image and yet they are the essence of D/s.

In real life, the reward for me of submission is 90 percent mental, spiritual and emotional. When the bond is strong and the challenge of successfully leading a submissive is great, my heart and mind become immersed in the relationship and how to make it stronger and more fulfilling for both of us. My brain is fully engaged. My imagination is energized. My heart beats stronger. I want to be a better man and a better Dom…every day. I want to be all that I possibly can and in so doing inspire and motivate my submissive to strive for her full potential.

D/s between a healthy and confident man and woman (or any combination of the sexes) is an immensely positive relationship. Far from the dark imagery of floggings and physical challenges, it is a spiritually uplifting experience. And with that spiritual bond firmly established between a Dom and a sub, the bodies have no choice but to follow. With the combination of mutual devotion, trust and adoration, comes an environment where all physical experiences and rewards become possible. In that secure space that we create and nurture between us we can indulge in the physical, dance in the darkness, and explore the power exchange in all of its physical manifestations. More magic!

To the submissive - Give your heart, your mind, your soul to the right Dom and he will give you physical and emotional sensations unimaginable.

To the Dom - Lead genuinely with your heart and mind and the body will follow.

Cotton Candy D/s vs. Meat-And-Potatoes D/s.

cherished-property:

When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules…

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s.

My first D/s was cotton candy. 

It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again.

Then there’s meat and potatoes. 

Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it.

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. 

Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. 

These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy.

I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore.

Submissives cannot live by cotton candy alone.

Responsibilities to each other and the Dynamic are what builds and sustains happily ever after.

Cotton candy is just magical thinking that dissolves in the first few drops of rain (or tears) to fall …

What Drives Dominance

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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cherishedproperty:

When I started learning about power exchange relationships, I saw two core needs: one side that needed to take control and another that needed to give it. But over time, I learned that flavors of D/s dynamics are nearly as numerous as the people in them. People come to this lifestyle for different reasons. They are driven by different core needs, and that leads them to construct the dynamic in very different ways. As I see it, dominance stems from three core needs: control, responsibility, and possession.

Control. 

Most Dominants crave control. But the key is in why they crave it. Some see control as a way to exercise responsibility or to maintain possession. But some just want control. My control Dominant lived for the moments where he took and I gave. Sexual control, cooking his meals, driving him for haircuts. He commanded, I obeyed. It all feels very par for the course. But over time I realized that he really just wanted the control. He accepted responsibility for me as the price for getting control. If he’d been able to control me without responsibility or ownership, I think he gladly would have.

Responsibility. 

Many Dominants will accept responsibility, but very few have it at the core of their dominance. These Dominants are servant leaders. They thrive on putting their submissives’ needs first and helping their submissives grow. My responsibility Dominant put his own needs aside for mine over and over.

Outside the bedroom, he primarily took control when it helped to fulfill my needs. He gave me a bedtime when I wasn’t sleeping well. He gave me tasks when he knew the connection would keep me grounded. His core driving need as a Dominant was the ensuring the happiness and success of his submissive.

Possession. 

I specifically didn’t use the word ownership here, because I think Dominants can crave ownership as a path to control, responsibility, or possession. But this is about the need for all-encompassing, unending possession of another person. My possession Dominant wanted there to be nothing he didn’t know about me. He said he owned every part of me, past and present. And he worked to eliminate every instinct I had to keep any part of myself private.

On finding out I once played an instrument in high school (and still owned said instrument), he had me record myself playing it. And every time I masturbated, he had me write detailed reports of everything I did and everything I looked at or thought about. No hiding. No dignity. Yes, he exercised a great deal of control in doing this, but it wasn’t about the control itself. It was about taking possession of every part of me.

Most Dominants have varying amounts of these, rather than being purely driven by one of them. And even so, no configuration is inherently better than another. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, and there are wonderful, attentive, loving Dominants across the spectrum of these needs. But these core needs do matter. 

People may do the same things but for very different reasons. And while people generally look for compatibility in the THINGS (protocol, titles, fetishes), they should be looking for compatibility in the NEEDS.

Get What You Want: Just Ask!

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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mysadisticdesires: This afternoon I was having a conversation with a new s-type friend from fetlife about various things and she mentioned acting out in order to be “punished.”

As a D-type there is nothing more frustrating than an s-type ignoring rules/protocols and causing trouble instead of just asking for what they want… One of the classes I took at last year’s Kinkfest opened My eyes to what punishment actually is - the last step in a three step process: correction, discipline, punishment - but that is a different writing.

Back to the subject at hand - asking for what you want. Regardless of dynamic, gender or sexuality you should never feel ashamed to ask for what you need. If you need more structure ask, if you want spankings ask, if you want to eat bon-bons and watch Adventure Time because you can’t D/s today

ASK! I know this is a crazy concept to some and let’s face it tumblr is perpetuating the ‘Daddy I’ve been bad’ mentality but how simple is it to be honest with your partner and ask for what you want?
Stop being passive-aggressive, stop being unhappy or unfulfilled, get exactly what you want by asking.

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submissive-seeking:

I’ve never understood the “brat” mentality. From the outside looking in, I judge it to be detrimental to the dynamic because it’s based on dishonesty. This is not a “normal” relationship. It’s foundation is the harsh, cold light of day – precise language, rating scales, and continued meta talks to accurately name your needs, wants, and limits.

If you have to manipulate to get your needs met, you have far bigger problems.

If you’re manipulating to get your way, get what you want, or control, you are not submitting and have no genuine Power Exchange.

If you are mantipulating to “get even” or be aggressive, or address anger, you need therapy. A spanking’s not gonna help you!

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Papa Tony:

I've been telling folks for years:

"Manipulation is what you do, when you don't trust somebody else with the truth."

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submitting2men:

I'm dealing with a young fella who has several times told me he likes to be bratty .... It is so odd to me. He purposely drops "SIR" with dominants just to see if they notice and correct him then is completely turned off when they don't immediately correct him. It's pathological. And completely non productive.

Only about half the time when we ask for what we want from the world do we get it. Why do people continue to assume their odds will improve by not asking and by secret password games?