How do YOU feel when a man begs YOU to be Your slave?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

coolatmastersfeet: SIR ! Thank YOU for Your blog ! Could YOU describe, for us subs, what it feels like to make another man kneel and submit ? How do YOU feel when a man beg YOU to be Your slave ? 

Unknown Author:

I very rarely make men get on their knees and beg. It seems very… cliche? I don’t know. In my experience, subs are really bad at begging, not because they don’t want to beg, but because they don’t know what I’m looking for. They don’t have any direction in how to beg or what for. Most people aren’t on-the-fly creative, and unless you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about begging, you run out of stuff to say really, really fast.

Instead, I get a guy on his knees, or all 4s or whatever, and I’ll touch them and tell them how much I appreciate their body, or their submission, or their willingness to please me. This has a number of advantages.

First, it calms the sub down. Particularly if I’m with a new sub, they’re in a new space, with a new man, in a situation where they have to be extremely vulnerable. Men will shake and get scared. There’s so much going on in their head, and as an alpha, I have to spend time emptying their head out, so they can focus on just one thing at a time.

Second, it gives them an opportunity to listen to the language I want to hear. If I tell them what a good pup they are, how much I love their waxed cunt, how beautiful their beard is, then they know what kind of language to use. They know that I want to hear them tell me they love being my pussyboy and that their cunt is hungry. Bad interactions goes like this:

Dom: What are you?

Sub: I’m your slave, Sir

Dom: No, you’re my faggot. You’re a fucking faggot

Sub: Yes, Sir, I’m your faggot… apparently.

Dom: Who’s your Master

Sub: You’re my Master, Sir.

Dom, That’s right, faggot. Thank me for being your Master.

Sub: Thank you, Sir.

Dom: No, kiss my feet to thank me. I don’t want to see you face.

Sub: Okay. I’ll do that then……

Anyway. It gets old, having to keep correcting a sub. Why not just give them all the answers first? Work toward empowering your sub for pleasing you. Not punishing him for not succeeding at tests you didn’t prepare him for.

Third, It allows them to get close to me and feel a physical presence. So much of power exchange is physical exchange. There is an energy transfer when you’re in the presence of someone, and having the proximity to touch them and look at them and worship them freely is extremely powerful. 

Silence is powerful. There are times when I’ll have a gut in Position 1, and I’ll get down on one knee, and put my face very close to his and just look at him and touch him slowly and share his air. it’s amazing to be down with a sub, in his space, but still in control, rubbing your beard against his face and just letting your energy to connect.

If you’re an alpha the most powerful thing you can do with your sub is to connect with him. And you can’t do that with showy begging and demands and corrections and complex protocols. You have to lay the foundation of connection first, then build the protocol and behavior modification on top of that. 

A sub has to KNOW YOU in order to serve you. If you act like an emotionless wall, you become unreadable and unservable. In order to let your sub be vulnerable, you have to be a little vulnerable as well.

Kneeling and submission make me feel very powerful, but only for a moment. I know the real feelings of power are in all the small acts before and after that which make me feel truly powerful.

Grieving, Part Two: Being Selfish For a While

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

I’d love to hear any advice you have. I just feel weird. I’ve done my grieving and have for the most part leveled out into acceptable ranges I guess. I just miss him. And I won’t get him back. But I can still get the kind of things he provided as a Sir, but it feels like a betrayal. You spend so long dedicating that aspect of your life to someone, it’s hard to turn around and want it from someone else.

I love very freely, and I have a few other people that I share a relationship of one type or another with. My main partner was just as shocked and affected by my Sir’s passing, because he knew the affection I had for him. Even though they were just friends. We just finished the actual funeral for him and scattered his ashes where he had requested. I am a pretty death positive person. I find talking about death very important and it definitely helped to accept what happened and process it.

But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me. Like. Right now I want nothing more than to be tied up and teased for a while. Just so I can destress and work out everything. I think better when I am restrained, I find I can just let myself go, because I can’t get away or hurt anyone, myself included. But I wouldn’t want just anyone to do that… so. It feels like my ability to enjoy those things died with him and I don’t know what to do about that.

Papa Tony:

I understand, at least as well as I can from over here…

I honor your sense of honor and faithfulness. When you swore to have him as your only Sir, YOU GAVE YOUR WORD OF HONOR, which is where the conflict arises, as far as I can tell.

You appear to be like me: An Integrity Junkie. Once I give my word of honor, then you can take that to the BANK. My word is what represents me in the world, and if my word is no good, then I am not a good person.

There’s not a lot of FLEXIBILITY in that philosophy. In the early days of my career as an independent computer consultant, I was nearly incapable of letting go of difficult jobs that went sideways. I was obsessive, and it was holding me back.

I wanted to do a perfect, impeccable job. I still do, but I have had to grow up a bit more, so that I don’t take down the ship with my powerful force of will.

So, it needs to be said, young brother:

It’s time to be selfish, at least for a little while. It’s time to take care of YOU in a healthy way. I grew up in a household where the single WORST word in our family dictionary was “selfish.” When we were angry with each other, we’d sling that word around a lot. We were supposed to do good works in the world, selflessly.

It’s okay to put yourself at the TOP of the priority list, even if only briefly. For folks like you and me, we tend to live permanently at the bottom of our own priority-list. There are other folks out there who need our help!

Your Sir was playing with dynamite when he made you give your word to have HIM be your ONLY Sir, but he didn’t know it at the time. He might have thought that it was cute and sweet (I have no idea), but your innate sense of honor weaponized that exchange, and made it permanent.

The only person who can fix that is you.

It’s time for you to have a new conversation with your dearly departed Sir. It’s time to clear the air. Maybe not right now, but when you are ready. At the moment, your foot is nailed to the floor, and you’re going around around the same point, over and over.

Speaking as a coach, here is what I have had to do many times, when one of my relationship obsessions was tying me in knots…

• I’d get away from distractions. Away from Internet, phone, and other people. Ideally, out at a park with lots of privacy, sitting under a tree.

• I’d do some “Automatic Writing.” This is a delightful process of allowing any and all words to flow onto a paper notepad, without any preconceptions, or any editing. Don’t correct yourself. Just open yourself to the flow of words, even if they make no logical sense. Done properly, and with practice, it’s a direct pipeline to the subconscious. New concepts come bubbling up from underneath, surprising the conscious “you” with new information that you could not have predicted. Be open to that.

• Once I have warmed up with that exercise, then I focus my goals a bit more, and write down what I need to tell my loved one. ALL of it. All of my regrets, fears, disappointments, grief, pain, unfinished conversations and wishful thinking. Don’t try to make the words “pretty” with editing. Just let it flow outward. Think of the writing process as a “core dump” of everything that has not yet had a chance to be expressed. You’ve been emotionally constipated. Time to let GO.

• I keep going, writing until I run dry. Now is a very good time to cry.

• Then, I find a barbecue, or other safe place to burn something, like a fireplace. Bring some matches, and send the smoke of your heart’s words upward and outward. Give your pain to the universe, and be done, by making it a conscious gesture. It’s for your benefit, good man.

I MAY invite friends and witnesses and make it a small but meaningful ceremony. It’s not important to read to others what you have written, out loud. The point is to consciously use this opportunity to “un-stick” yourself, and do honor to your Sir by declaring that you will never, ever forget him, AND that you are now stepping into your next phase. Witnesses are great for these kinds of declarations.

You won’t ever forget him, and we both know that. Instead, you will lovingly hold him in your heart as you move through the phases of your life. You will find new love, and new Sirs, and succeed because you are a good and faithful boy. You’ve proven that.
October 16th, 2018 8:34pm

Death, Grieving, and Moving On

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I am poly and have other relationships, but his only rule was he was my Only Sir. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir.  I don’t really do hook ups, especially with this. But I miss being tied up. And I ache for someone else to be in control for a while so I can just de-stress. But I can’t bear the thought of it being someone else. Any thoughts that might help me?

Papa Tony:

I feel for you, brother.  I truly do.  In all of the years that I have been lurking around gay kinky Tumblr, this will be the first time that I will have seen discussion of death, dying, and grief.  It’s an overdue topic.

I have had to deal with the death of loved ones as well.  Your loss is 100% valid, and worth focusing on.  My wish is that you have friends and loved ones who are there for you.  I care, brother.

I am not sure where you live, geographically, but in the USA, our prevailing culture does its best to distract us from the realities of life and death.  The LAST thing that I want to do is to share some stooopid, soothing platitudes.  They don’t help, and never have:

“Time Heals All Wounds.”  No, it doesn’t.  Grieving helps, so that eventually the sorrow doesn’t remain the primary focus of our lives.  Avoiding grief makes the pain’s intensity stay higher, longer.  In other words, now is the time to dive deep into the sadness.  You do honor to your Sir, and the times that you shared, by memorializing him.

“Your Sir Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.”  Bullshit.  Imagine if the situation was reversed. You know that he would be just as devastated and lonely, in honor of your wonderful shared experiences, and the deep investment that you made in each other.

“He’s In A Better Place Now.”  Better than being with YOU?  I doubt that, and so do you.
I have had to seek out qualified help with grieving, because our culture is anti-grieving by design.  We shove death away from us, instead of helping each other to deal with the pain in healthy, compassionate ways.

Since you asked me specifically for help, please google the following phrase, followed by your own city and country:

Grief Recovery <your location>

I’m pretty certain that resources that can ACTUALLY HELP YOU exist in your area.  Even with professional help, it took me a full year of deep grieving before I was ready to start the next phase of my life.  Your results may vary.

Your love and respect for your Sir speaks well for your utterly valid relationship, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I honor the time that you had together.

I am sending you the warmest, sweetest embrace that I have, brother.

At some point, I request that you send me a few words about the good times that you and your Sir shared.  I ask that you bear witness to what happened, and why it meant so much to you.  I’d love to share that with the world, as a lasting memorial.

Update:  Further reading on this topic.

Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Anonymous said: I heard someone mention Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships. Is there a difference? Or is there a difference between a Dad and a Daddy and a son and a boy?

If there are ANY differences or distinctions, it is entirely based upon the agreements and fantasies of the individuals involved.  In my own case, I have had nineteen collared boys in my life.  The relationships have been different in important ways with every one of them.

There is no formula or technical shop-manual.  We are all driven by individual desire and need.

My Years As A Daddy

Being a man with a very strong sense of self and dominance, I was a Daddy for most of my adult life.  In fact, the very first time a man called me “Daddy!” was when I was 21, and it felt right.

Really, really right.

I didn’t want to be called “Daddy Tony,” because my own father was such a terrible role-model.  I chose “Papa” as my personal scene-name and honorific, because I saw that word as  a kind, generous and affectionate term to describe myself.

 I would happily have had that name GIVEN to me in a ceremony by a crew of honored, wise elders, but by that time, they were all dead in the AIDS Holocaust.  I had to keep moving forward (as they would have wanted me to), and work toward taking their place.

What Makes Me A Daddy

Through these Daddy/boy relationships, I could practice my goal of being the good and decent man that I had never witnessed in my own family.  My boys could finally complete the incomplete relationships that they had with their own fathers, through me.

They could get the attention, praise, teaching and role-modeling that helped them get to where their hearts called them.  When they learned and grew, it caused my Daddy glands to secrete like CRAZY! 😀

Becoming A Slave-Owning Master

Why did I switch to being a slave-owning Master, so very late in life?  I certainly had no lack of slave-applicants over the decades.  I always pushed them away:

I DIDN’T WANT TO SUDDENLY SWITCH TO BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Yes, I struggled with the same stereotypes that everybody else has internalized from porn.  “Masters” always abused, degraded, scorned and treated submissives like something that they should scrape off of their shoe, right?

I’m not that guy, by choice.  I would be too GOOD at it, and for decades, I feared that part of myself.  I grew up with that sort of vile treatment, and oh, honey - I could easily be the best psychopath around.  I learned from the best.

With my wit, my perception and my keen observation skills, it wouldn’t take me more than a few minutes to discern somebody’s weak points, and to take advantage of them.  I could CRUSH anybody’s soul in a very short time.

I Chose To Go In A Different Direction

Those same observational skills work equally as well in perceiving greatness, inner beauty and innate worth.  I see the value in others, and hold the mirror up to them and say “Do you see what I see?  Do you see the gold?  You shine like a lighthouse, and I admire you.  Let me tell you what I see.  In detail.”

So, years back, I had my epiphany, and I made a public declaration at a Butchmanns Experience weekend, with everyone there acting as my dedicated witnesses:

I am a real, bona-fide Master.  I am not like others, and I am perfect this way.  No one can ever deny my validity, ever again. I am the real thing.

At that point, I shifted in my life’s journey.  In my private life, I am a slave-owning Master.  A sweet one.  In my public life, I am now a Granddaddy to tens of thousands of people worldwide.  I was a sensational Daddy.

Now, I am a Tribal Elder.  It feels right.

Really, really right.

Adding to the Leather Family

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

I seem to remember seeing a post of yours discussing taking on a second slave, and the first one initially being jealous.

I find myself in a somewhat analogous situation... my SIR has taken on a sub who is himself a Top, so he is both sub and mentee to my SIR. I've never been under the illusion that I am SIR's only boy - I wouldn't want to be.

Oddly, though, I find myself feeling a bit insecure with the new situation. Perhaps it's because I am expected to submit to SIR's new boy when we all play together... I did not really bargain for that as such, though there's no consent violation, either.

And I *like* SIR's new boy. He's a sexy man who - aside from a few of the arrogance issues endemic to 30-somethings - also seems to be an overall decent fellow. I figure time and life experience will work changes on him :-)
It's odd for me, a 56yo man, to feel this way, especially as I have no claim at all. SIR has not given any indication he is going to dismiss me, so rationally, I should have no concerns. How did your first slave get over his unease? Just time and exposure?
This also gives me real cause to carefully consider the feelings of my own boys: two plus a prospective. I see no signs of insecurity or jealousy, but perhaps I am oblivious. I have been watching carefully, though.
I feel like such an adolescent over this, but my feelings around my SIR are intense. I figure since it bothered me more than momentarily, it was worth thinking on. Polyamory + D/s is fairly new territory for me. :-)
If you have any thoughts on this you'd care to share, I'd love to hear them.

Papa Tony:

Thanks for reaching out, good man.

The culture around us does NOT support any part of polyamory. So, each time that a Thruple, a Leather Family or any other form of a multi-way, multi-person dynamic springs up, we are mostly on our own. We usually have to figure it out, day by day. I’m glad to help out.

There are really good books on the topic that might help. If I were you, I would start with The Ethical Slut, and enjoy a nice, cleansing romp through Sex at Dawn. No need to go any farther than that. It’s best if EVERYBODY in the family reads these fine books. Then, honest discussions should follow, so that misunderstandings and hurt feelings are minimized. Knowledge is power.

When my husband of 29 years and I started dating, I insisted that he take the Landmark Forum Introductory Weekend. I wanted him to be on an equal level with me. I knew that I could easily run rings around him if I misused the tools that I had learned, and jerk his chain, and I did NOT want that kind of relationship. I wanted him to be able to call me upon my bullshit. I have never had cause to regret that.

I am quite aware that you, personally, are not the King Alpha God Creature in this extended family. It’s not required. The benefit that you bring to everybody is your questing, sensitive soul and honorable nature. By running and finding out how to make everything work better, you are bringing flavor, spice and a stronger likelihood of continuity to everyone involved.

Good for you!

Handling Poly Relationships

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

imlostinvertigo said: You only take on slaves that already have a primary partner, something i completely understand as a married man with a Master myself. I’d love to hear Your thoughts and experiences on how this works for both You and the slave (and the other partner). i’m especially interested in what issues You’ve run into with keeping all people involved happy and making sure that everyone’s needs are being met, and how You’ve worked through those issues.

Papa Tony:

Wonderful questions, and thanks.  It’s nice to have an excuse to share about the topic.

I went through a decade of abusive hell before finding my true life-mate.  Let’s call him Sweetheart (everybody does).  As soon as I realized that I was desperately attracted to him, the VERY FIRST thing I did was to have him read The Book.  I’ve mentioned it on my blog, around 1,287 times.  😀  It’s that good.  Used copies are the best!

I wanted the two of us to have a level playing-field, moving forward together.  Before he met me, he had never been in a relationship longer than six months.  In my case, I haven’t been single since I was fourteen.  I told him truthfully that I am not SEXUALLY monogamous, and never will be.  I shared from my own experience, to help him to understand that I am EMOTIONALLY rock-solid in my dedication to him.

Making Agreements

I suggested that we make some commitments and agreements.  After some back-and-forth negotiating, here are the agreements that we came up with:

• He is my Number One.  If Number One is not happy, then it is my strongest priority to work that out with him.  I want him happy.  A lot.
• If I am out later than 2am, then I will call, so that he doesn’t worry about me.
• He knows that I am playing with other men.  He just doesn’t want to hear about it.

In the early days, we were very sexual together.  HONEYMOON!  I did everything in my power to keep him very, very happy.  Smiling at both ends.  In fact, if we were out at a gay bar, and he would be attracted to another man, I would do my magic and the three of us would be playing in a very short while.

Compersion

I am the exact opposite of jealous and insecure.  I’m a big fan of Compersion.  Seeing loved ones happy and fulfilled is a big, big thrill for me.  The words “Come ON, honey - I KNOW you can suck that juicy cock deeper than THAT!” are very easy for me to say.

After about ten years, the sex between us stopped.  It happens.  He just lost interest in sex with ANYONE.  His older brother and father had the same thing going on at that age.  I grieved, I bargained, I was a big pill about it, until I reached the stage called Acceptance.  Suddenly, the stress went away, and harmony reigned again.

All along, I made it plain to him that I needed to have a Dom/sub relationship thing going on.  If he wasn’t into it (he is entirely “Vanilla”), then I would take on others.  HOWEVER, (and I made this plain, often), if the sub wanted to come between the two of us, then that would be the end of THAT boy in my life.

This even happened, once.  The sub wanted me all to himself.  He called Sweetheart out of the blue to blab all about the stuff that he and I did together.  He was trying to break us apart, so that he could sail in and snap me up.  Bad call.  Rather than react in the usual way, Sweetheart calmly told him that he didn’t care, and already knew.

That was the last time I spoke to THAT boy.  That was a perpetration.

During our time together, I have had nineteen collared boys and four slaves.  None of them have ever lived in our home.  As I grew older, I became less and less interested in interviewing new talent.  It’s a LOT of work, keeping everybody happy, agreeable, and on track.

The big breakthrough happened a few years ago, when my slave Larry invited Sweetheart to join us at leather events.  To my surprise, he DID, and his presence has been a constant pleasure.
He loves my slaves, and they love him.  We all have dinner together once a week, and see each other several other times, usually on the weekends.  We travel together, leaving the slaves’ long-term husbands behind, in full understanding and agreement.

Why would their husbands be so agreeable?

I coached the slaves on what to say to their hubbies, in order to shift the conversation into a better place than the usual JEALOUSY crapola:

• I will be with you for the rest of our lives.  That doesn’t change.
• I need more than you are willing or able to provide.  We have had that discussion.
• I won’t be bringing any problems home.  My Master is a very, very protective man.
• As a result of my getting more of my dreams fulfilled, I won’t be a crabby, unsatisfied bitch any more.

After a few months of adjustment, the slaves’ husbands are okay with the situation.  The previous dissatisfaction has gone away, because the level of love and devotion didn’t diminish.  If anything, it got better.  The slaves get to have everything that they want in life.

Adding to The Family

The slaves wouldn’t be in my life if they weren’t superb human beings.  My slave Bob panicked when Larry came into my life.  Bob worried that I was “trading up,” and that I would dump him.  I stayed patient until I finally got through to him, getting past his fears.

I told him “He is not your competition - He is your slave BROTHER.  You need somebody who you can talk to about me, other than me.  This is a Leather Family, and I am the Patriarch.  The glue that binds everybody together.  Now you have somebody new in your life, to love and support you.”  That was a conscious declaration on my part.  I was creating a new possibility that had not existed before.  Just like that, everything clicked.

Did I leave anything out?

Anonymous said: Thank you for your blog, There’s been some great information for new doms like myself. In one of your recent posts, you mentioned that one sub is married to another man. Would you mind explaining some of the challenges you’ve had with that arrangement and strategies/steps you’ve taken to overcome them?

I explained up to a point, but I will go into a bit more detail now.

There really haven’t been a lot of challenges, frankly.  My two slaves with long-term husbands are rock-solid determined to maintain the happiness that they deserve in their lives.  As I said earlier, they get to have their cake and eat it, too.

They have the long-term comfort of being (and having) a long-term, devoted husband.  They also get to have some “honeymoon” and frolic with a Sir who brings them many sexual, emotional and kinky benefits.  There is a difference between being sexually monogamous, and emotionally monogamous.

I am a very well-known and a popular man, so my slaves also automatically have a massive, supportive social circle.  They are very popular and respected.  This counts for a lot more than a casual observer might think.  We all need to feel that we have arrived into the embrace of a loving community, and are welcome.

Since they came into my life, the lives of my slaves are fun, vivid and interesting.  As a result, any arguments that their vanilla husbands might make to the contrary don’t get much traction, so everybody has had to come to new agreements.

Other than my distinct NON-invitation to my slave’s legal wedding to his husband, things have been sailing along pretty nicely.

It’s a fact of life that long-term male-male relationships become less sexual as the decades go flying by.  Once you have been in a long-term relationship, you learn to adjust.   In the case of the two slaves’ husbands, they have discovered that they get 100% of the same benefits as before, but without the frustrated husband nagging them for the kinky needs that they are not equipped to supply.

---

mastertrainerprimer:

Your boyfriend may not be ready or willing to learn to interact with you in the way that you desire.  In some cases “he may be willing” but unable to “provide the satisfaction” you desire.  It is the same with ALL relationships there must be some compromise/effort in order to help the other partner achieve happiness.

Master slave training in a relationship has the potential to be truly magnificent, it can be used to manage almost ALL of the common causes for relationship break-ups, eg. poor communication, infidelity, sexual dis-satisfaction, dishonesty, neglect etc…

If you successfully negotiate an agreement for training with your partner it may take a few years to refine and perfect the rules and regulations, be patient with each other…  It can become a very satisfying life journey together that grows and matures with time.

If you give it a go and it doesn’t work, then re-negotiate how you will each be able to satisfy your needs.  It may require a 3rd party to be involved.  If your partner cannot satisfy your dom/sub needs he can help/allow you to satisfy them elsewhere, so that you can continue your emotional relationship together.

---

slave2766:

Decades of self doubt and confusion resulted in living life in anguish. Then one decision changed everything.

“Unto yourself be true” the real me craved control and submission.

Out of a failed relationship I began to seek others like me. Through the net I found them.

Here I sit now, collared by a man I respect. At peace with my needs and learning contentment.

My blog is full of my stories and desires. You will get to know parts of the journey through it.

Right now I am proud of my courage, happy with my decisions and excited about what comes next…

Whether you love me, hate me, respect me or are neutral on the subject I am comfortable in my own skin.

Sir told me that accepting what I am and what I crave would build my confidence and yet again he was right ;)

Real Life Is Not A Porn Video. Adjust Your Expectations Accordingly.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Papa Tony: A man that I am mentoring says:

I had a lot of slave boys on Skype and used to make cam sessions but mostly humiliation and degradation of the slaves, not this other kind that i am discovering from u… That to be a Master u have to be compassionate, which i felt out of the place for feeling empathy with the slaves. 
In real life as i told have met only 5 sub guys of all ages and only with the last one who was older then me we met several times until he decided to ignore me without explanation. But ur blog and wisdom which comes from real experience has opened my eyes.
Initially the first days on Tumblr too, pages which suggested that subs are less than real men, just to be used and abused and thrown away etc etc.
Made me feel real bad. It’s true that i love humiliating, degrading make one feel less than me but just in role play not in real life. I am a tender person who cares deeply for the others and would never do something to make uncomfortable someone out of the play role.
Apparently the lack of experience made me so confused.  Those few man i met were in this kind of thing where u just had to use them and never look back at them. Hooked up with them online sites like cam4 etc
That’s why i think the last sub i had maybe is not attracted to me anymore because the last 2 times i asked him to stay over, and needed someone to take care too just a human being not a worthless piece of shit like he liked to be treated.
But apparently that was his choice of life which i don’t want. I like to be a jerk only in role play but not in real life. I try to do things even that I don’t like just because i know the sub would like it. I don’t like scat but some slaves like it and allowed them to clean my ass after taking a dump etc etc.I am really confused Tony, in this period. 
I have been in relationships only with woman and being kinky with these men i thought it was impossible to have a relationship with a man. Its been almost 3 years now without a relationship just sex and a year in gay sex. But lately feeling the need to share things with someone like in a real relationship

None of what you say surprises me.  You speak for many men.  Be assured that I can help you with thousands of questions. I probably need to write a book on JUST the topic of finding balance as a Sir, a lover and a good man.  I want to be an even stronger advocate in the world for being an Ethical Sadist, who can also be a sweetheart.

First, a book recommendation link:  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore.  Every time that I read it, I learn more about how to be a healthy, mature masculine man. I am a better Sir as a result.

Our kinky gay-male subculture is starving for leaders, role-models and mentors.  Do an experiment:  Do an Internet search for the phrase “tumblr kinky gay mentoring”  - The results are nearly all extreme fantasy crap that does not feed the soul of the sensitive, perceptive and ethical Sir.

The ONE exception that shows up?  Me.  My writings.  I’m it.  That’s an upsetting thing.  Some men who didn’t show up, but who SHOULD, are my good buddies @realpowerexchange and @Alexander Martin.  They are good men and fine Sirs who are just as committed to helping others have happier lives.

I’ve been saying for years that this is all because of AIDS.  The men who knew the most, were the first ones to die, and were not replaced.  So, two entire generations have risen up since those days without loving, kindly and wise mentors.  Dozens of such men used to be a BIG part of my own personal growth… and then they all died.

Tumblr is a SHITTY role-model.  When there is no other source of useful knowledge, no wonder there are so few long-term couples and Leather Families at Folsom Street Fair.  Just large amounts of men in great need of being claimed.

I am going to make a dangerous, risky declaration:

Kink, Leather and Fetish, done right, is just Extreme Intimacy.

Why would this be risky? Because the vast majority of the discussion online says that a Dom should be like a light switch:  always ready to turn on.  There is almost nothing out there on the Internet supporting the sensitive, perceptive Dom, who needs to be the full expression of a man:

On one end, vulnerable, and emotionally accessible.  On the other, hardcore Sadist - and, everywhere in between, as needed.

Any submissive who doesn’t know this needs to learn it, right now:  If you put your prospective Sir into a box of preconceptions and then nail down the cover, you are robbing yourself of a deep, long-term relationship.  If you want a perfect play-partner who never, ever fails you, I suggest getting one of these:

Okay.  I’m done complaining.  I just hear from so many lonely subs and Sirs.  I wish that I could take 100% of what I have learned and give it away, so that others can be just as satisfied and fulfilled.

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever.  Kindness and Generosity.  Science has proven this beyond all doubt.  Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun.  One does not preclude the other.  I can’t imagine what treating a sub like shit has to do with any of that.

I have a long-term husband (together 28 years) and two slaves (7.5 and 3.5 years).  We are in perfect harmony.  No bitchiness, no jealousy.  How do we manage this?  We have ALL read the Official Shop Manual for lifelong gay-male relationships:  The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop, by Drew Mattison and David MacWhirter.  It’s out of print, but widely available in used condition, online.  It helped all of us to get past insecurity/jealousy issues that our culture promotes.

I have had nineteen collared boys and six owned slaves since 1977.  I have never felt the desire to treat any of them like something that I would scrape off of my shoe, and THAT’S OKAY.  I grew up in a violently abusive childhood, and I know the cost of mental, physical, sexual and emotional cruelty.  So, I don’t do those things, and THAT’S OKAY, TOO.  Not being part of those stereotypes does not make me a bad, flawed, insufficient or fake Sir.

My mentoring articles reflect this same philosophy, and they go back many years.  My hope is to keep contributing to them for many MORE years.

I’m a really, REALLY good, satisfying and powerful Dom.  I am sensitive, perceptive, and a hell of a lot of creative fun.  If any of this sounds like you, then stick around, brother.  Send me questions.  I am a champion for men like us.

Training and Protocols for a New Submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Question: Do you all have any Protocols for starting play? Like, your subs bringing you their collar or having him sit and breathe before starting?

(Standard disclaimer: These steps and concepts are what works for me, personally.  If you ask eighty different Doms, Sirs and Masters for THEIR opinions, you will get eighty different answers. Also, the original version of this topic was a mess of pronouns of every kind.  I simplified it for consistency, and my own, gay-male viewpoint.)

---

Papa Tony:

All of this following advice assumes that the sub wants to be of service, and has lasting value for you… not just a passing, one-night stand.

Collaring, Phase One

If he is a NEW sub, but I have taken quite a fancy to him, I may take some lariat (boot lace) leather and tie it around his neck.  I refer to this as his "training collar".

After the scene, I will have him wear the training-collar into the shower, so that it lays flatter under a t-shirt at work, let's say.

Since the leather collar is comfortably fitted, transparent on an airport x-ray, and not visible at work, it's no big deal.  It is an ongoing reminder of YOU, and your role in his life.  If you are a sentimental old fool like me, you will also tell him that he is to consider it to be a hug from you, as well.

I tell the eager new sub that when the two of us are together, and the collar goes on, then it takes away his ability to over-think things.  He ALWAYS has choices, but your purpose is to support him in letting GO of old fears, biases and wounds, and learning to trust completely.  At the end of the scene, remind him of that promise, and ask if you have earned more of that trust.  I do this, to rub that firm commitment into the sub's face, so that he always LEARNS from what happened.

This is a process of mutual growth and understanding.

---

Collaring, Phase Two

I may tell him, after time has passed, and if he impresses me after multiple play-sessions, I will swap the training collar out for a REAL, long-term collar, sized just for him. He will be the custodian of the collar, and he brings it to me the MOMENT that he arrives for a play-session. The "CLICK!" noise when I close the lock is what starts the scene.

---

The Purpose of the Collar

In service to an Elder of the Leather Tribe.

A collar, at its very best, is a very public declaration that this submissive is special.  He rises far beyond the vast number of un-collared submissives out there. He is a treasure of great value, and he is on an upward trajectory of training and satisfaction.

I have brought newly-collared submissives to large leathermen's events, as part of helping him to understand how his life has changed.  I will enter the event with him, tightly by my side, and slightly behind me… even at the end of a leash. That way, all eyes fall upon us as a bonded unit.

After a while, I will tell the sub to wander off and make a circuit of the space, and not to come back for at least half an hour.  When he comes back, I interview him about his newly-collared experience.  In every case, he is flushed with pride.  Folks will tell him "You KNOW that you won the lottery, right?" or "How did you get on the list, you lucky bastard??!?"

This process is to support him in understanding just how much his life has changed.  There is more to this, but that would not fit within the concept of "new submissive".  

All that I would add is that a collar is a one-way GIFT.  The very last thing that I would ever do, is to demand to take a collar back.  It is a HUGE, wrenching breakdown for a sub to have to relinquish his most-prized possession.  Don't be so cruel.

---

About Protocols...

"Protocols" are consistent and repeatable actions, orders or expectations that the Sir has for the submissive.

The purpose of protocols at the arrival-point is to support the sub into reaching sub-space during the scene.  He can't do that if he is all logical and analytical, and over-thinking everything.

By telling him soberly and assuredly that you are placing the collar upon him as a token of extra respect for him (he stands out from the crowd of subs who seek a Sir), you are claiming him as your sub.

Tell him that your goal is to overwhelm him with pleasure and stimulation, to reward him for giving up control, and going with the flow.

Use the phrase "I am an ethical Sir" as a powerful declaration.  Don't use weasel words like "I will try" or "if I can".  Use powerful statements not only to reassure him, but to give yourself the courage to be a man of your word.

Make a stand for your superiority, compared to the scary types who lurk online and prey upon the innocent.  You may be new at being a Sir, but your heart is pure, your intentions are honorable, and you will gladly do what it takes to be respected, honored, admired and LOVED.

---

Setting Up the Play-Space

That's the protocol for the first few minutes.  After that, teach him what pleases you as far as setting things up. This is for folks, like me, who have no dedicated Dungeon Space.

Properly collared, he needs to strip naked and serve your needs, while you remain dressed, visibly goofing off nearby.  Setting up toys, or showering first.

In my own, rather more-advanced case, the slaves have to be taught how to douche, to set up the sling, cross or rim-chair.  He may have to bring the toy-bag upstairs. He might bring up the Big Box 'o Rope™, or the strap-on dildo with lube.  He ALWAYS has to spread large towels on the bed - the husband dislikes finding lube-stains and bodily-fluids on the sheets, when laundry-day rolls around.

Doing stuff like this helps the sub escape from the concerns and considerations of the world, and puts him into a mindful space of pleasing the Sir.

Once the scene has been set up to your liking, he comes to you and kneels, to announce that all is prepared.  He then formally undresses YOU, slowly and lovingly.

---

Cuddling, AKA BeforeCare, DuringCare and After Care

I take the sub deeper, by cuddling first.  This ALWAYS shocks men that I train to be Sirs.  This part doesn't appear in ANY kinky porn.  Yet, it works great for me.

I say "put your head on my chest", and he can't wait to do so, immediately.  I caress, we murmur together about this and that.  Touch is VERY reassuring.  It's hard to bullshit people when you are close, naked, touching and fully authentic from moment to moment.  This GREATLY breaks down resistance and preconceptions.

After a short while, I will order the sub to lay flat on his tummy.  I begin caressing more sensuously.  I use every tool that my body has, to make it a deliriously pleasurable kinky massage.

I may then start TESTING the sub's reactions, but playfully smacking the side of his ass, and checking in... "Does that hurt?  Do you feel violated?  You never will..."

Test his reactions to tickling, nipping lightly, or spanking, by always starting out light, and then working one's way up.

The goal is to get the endorphins flowing, more and more.

I sometimes provide a break in a heavy scene, and it always involves cuddling.

---

Responsibility For Both Sides

NOW is a VERY GOOD TIME to give him the lecture about Responsibility For Both Sides.  Tell him how responsible you are.  Lay it on thick, and truthfully.

However...

He also has a responsibility to tell the Sir what does and does not work, in real time.  If he tries to lay there stoically, in an attempt to impress the Sir with his stamina, discourage this by telling him that you want honest, constant feedback.

Tell him that his reactions excite you, and the more that he submits, the more that you will dominate.

If all goes well, then amp up the action, using toys.  If you have watched my Flogging for Beginners video, then you will know how to calibrate for success.

Tell him that you will never take him past level 8, out of ten.  That you would rather UNDER-do the first scene, leaving him wanting MORE, than to over-do it.

---

Distracting the Little Voice in His Head

Why do I keep harping on using your words as powerful declarations?  Because we Sirs have the power to set the agenda, and guide the flow.

Take a moment to consider what we Sirs are up against.  Bias, misunderstanding and stereotypes, and we have to be active in our efforts to overcome those problems.  Kinky dominant folks are EASILY put into a box called "SCARY".  As an ethical Sir, you have to consciously break down the presuppositions.

Because there is a little voice in all of our heads, and it has a purpose:  It wants to keep our lives safe, and without risk.  It wants your life to be FLAT, with no dips or peaks.  The problem with that is, only DEAD people have existences that never change.

Yes, failure is scary, but taking chances and being rewarded is what makes us reach new, and glorious highs.  If done right, and in a conscious way, then the two of you will still have ups and downs in your life, but the trend will be UPWARD.

As Sirs, we have to reassure the sub's little voice in his head, which wants to scream "WHAT am I doing here?" "Does he think I'm too old/fat/skinny/young/hairy/smooth?" "Am I good enough?"  By talking with assurance, by clearly signaling what comes up next, and by REMINDING the sub what just happened, and why, we are locking-in deeper submission.

That little voice in his head will be distracted by what you are doing and saying, and he will dive deeper into a trusting place.

---

Reaching the Ultimate Goal

If you see kink as Extreme Intimacy, as I do, then the goal is to get to Ultimate Ecstasy, using zero drugs, or other crutches.  This never happens without clear thinking and intention.  You don't have to understand all of this fancy talk from me in a logical sense.  Just dive deep with honorable intentions, and you will be FINE.

Once you have the sub nicely excited and relaxed, then sex is quite nice.  I recommend it.

Or, you can go more stimulative, with toys such as paddles and floggers.  Your call.  Trust your gut.  You are running the show.  If all goes well, then the two of you will keep growing and maturing and gaining wisdom, every single time that you connect.

---

Aftercare, & Report Card

AFTER a scene, aftercare always involves cuddling.  Why?  Because, done right, the Sir is directing the mutual powerflow toward intensity and stimulation.  If I were to do outrageously new and exciting things, and then kick the sub out the door, then it breaks the connection in an upsetting way.

Proper aftercare consists of several components:

- Physical touch.  Lots of it.  Drifting along for a few minutes is always well-received.  I will order the sub to "go deep for a while.  I will watch the clock".

- This encourages the sub to go right into Sub Space… a mental state where deep ecstasy and relaxation take over. The face goes slack, dreamy bliss takes over, and the sub may even conk out for a few minutes.  Not from stress, but from the natural endorphin high.  It's a magical time.

- Praise for a job well done.  This MUST be authentic and from the heart.  This "Report Card" is crucial for both sides to know how they did, and what works great for the future.

---

Closing Protocols

I like to take a shower after a scene.  This may include having the sub shave my head, wash me lovingly in the shower, dry me and dress me.  I head downstairs after this, while the sub stays behind.

It is NOT the Sir's job to clean up.  Everything that changed during the play-scene must be put back the way that it was.  Tidying, cleaning, putting things back where they belong.

Then, I am called back for inspection.  Once everything is up to my satisfaction, the sub can dress.  

The sub presents himself to me, for orders, and we negotiate plans for the next scene.  If he is wearing a chain collar, he hands me the key.  EVERY single time, he whines and complains about having to take it off.  However, since my slaves all have long-time vanilla husbands, it's not really an option.

As the sub is heading out the door, I will issue a final order for the scene:

"Before you sleep tonight, I want an email from you, telling me what happened, (as if I wasn't there), and tell me what you liked, and what didn't work as well".  Until we develop Psychic Sirs, then feedback of this quality is essential for us to learn our craft.

Have fun!

---

UPDATE, from my buddy and fellow Mentor Todd:

The article is well written.  It describes your process very clearly.   I see a couple of things that are fairly universal.  The “ramp up” process of putting the sub in headspace is universal and can take a lot of forms.  All of that comes thru practice and experience.  Each Dom may achieve the same thing thru various means but what you’ve described is a good place to start.

Putting the subs head on your chest is what we call “home position” and is the place the sub can always escape to when things get rough.  “Home position” for me is always available whether in or out of a scene.

For me, collars are a REALLY big deal.  Wearing my collar means that the sub represents me and is an extension of me and my family in the community.   I do prescribe to the different “stages” of collars like you described.  Here is also a good video regarding collars that aligns well with me.

Honest, real negotiations going into the scene are CRITICAL!  No one wants to have someone tap out mid-scene. So be honest about your skill set and expect the sub to be honest about their interests.  Kink play RARELY happens spontaneously, but a good introduction makes for some amazing experiences.

Of all the things you described, after-care is the most essential.  It is the Dom's responsibility to reintroduce the sub back into the real world and out of headspace.  You have been pushing the sub mentally and physically for a period of time (sometimes to the point of breaking) and abruptly dumping the sub after the scene can lead to anxiety at best and trauma at worst. Aftercare doesn’t end after 15-20 min either.   You ramped the sub up for weeks; the come-down should be at least equivalent.

AFTERCARE - (after kink care)

Thank you for showing us a glimpse into the way you manage your scenes. Subs trust us with their whole being and we as Doms must honor that gift and treat it with the respect it deserves.