Leaving Marks, on the Ass That Can't Get Enough of 'Em

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Papa Tony:

Paddle made from Cocobolo wood.  These are easy to find.

Click here to watch the instructional video on YouTube.

One of the men that I mentor has had the incredible good luck to find a submissive who adores heavy play on his ass.  Questions arose as a result, and the video is meant to cover those questions.

What conclusions are reached in this video?

- Cocobolo Wood is Best

- A Submissive Who Adores Heavy Play Needs A Collar And A Place Next To You Every Night In Bed.

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Trophy Pictures

The following images are "Trophies" for the submissive who has brought pleasure, and earned my respect.  I talk more about this concept here.

Plain old spanking.

One good, hard smack.

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Tommy Tomcat, found here.

Clearly, NOT his butt, but this shows what 

marks can result from a Tommy Tomcat.

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"PTSM" Singletail Whip, found here.

Cocobolo paddle.

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Dragon's Tongue, with Leg Spreader.

Dragon's Tongue, under black light.

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Leather Belt.

How to Become a Legendary Sir

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Papa Tony:

First off, I recognize the amazing arrogance of the subject line.  Who the heck am I to claim any inside information on becoming "legendary"?

Well, it happened to me, and now, decades later, I gladly give away my trade secrets.

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After twelve excruciating years of being in the Catholic school system in the 1960's, I graduated with a painful understanding of just how unprepared I was, for the real world of being a kinky gay male.  Going to the prom with a girlfriend (twice) had zero relevance to a young leatherman briefly living in Boys Town, West Hollywood in the mid-1970's.

First, I tried to learn from men my own age, and that was a bust.  Most of them were just as lacking in wisdom and sophistication as I was.  Then, I found older leathermen, and I discovered exactly how to get the hard-earned wisdom that would sustain me for the rest of my life:

I asked nicely.

After every single play session, I'd ask my playmate "How could I have done that better?"  Every man found this flattering and encouraging.  In fact, I can't recall a single time that somebody didn't honor my request in the spirit in which it was asked.  However, keep in mind, forty years later, my memory may be faulty.

I mentor younger gay leathermen every day.  Imagine me wearing a t-shirt that says "MENTOR" across my chest.  I don't OWN such a shirt, but I'm making a point here:

Now, imagine your playmate/date/trick wearing an invisible version of that same shirt.  When he gives you an after-play "report card," he is handing you big handfuls of what you need the most:  FEEDBACK.

Feedback leads to wisdom, which leads to confidence, ending up with serenity in your role as a Sir.  Nothing is more sexy and attractive in a Sir.  Truly.  Muscles, money, penis size and $3,000 outfits are all VERY nice (I've had them all, in the past), but confidence, kindness and charisma are what impress the boys the most, for the long-term. 

Pay close attention to what your sub says. Honor his opinions, even if you had a different perception of what happened.  Be open to differing perspectives.  His viewpoint is honest, and richly valuable.

In fact, after a play-session, it's a great idea to order an eager submissive to send you a detailed email before he sleeps tonight, listing what he liked (or did NOT like), and why. And how strongly he feels about it.

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So, back to title justification:  How does this lead to any form of "legendary" status?  Easy!  Being known as a sensitive, perceptive and attentive Top will result in bottoms flying at you butt-first from every direction, and dropping hankies and soap everywhere that you go. Your dick will get smaller, because you will be getting laid so much, you will be wearing it down like the eraser on a pencil! Before long, you will be leaving men smiling at both ends, every time! 😀

Back to being serious:

- YOUR VALUE WILL NEVER DECREASE. You know how older gay men can spend a lot of time complaining about becoming old and undesirable? That doesn’t apply in the case of a Sir who has been actively gaining wisdom, and a sterling reputation. I can be the oldest guy at the play-party, bar or other social event, and eyes will be shining, and tails wagging all around me, hoping for a chance.  This advice really, really works, brothers.

Here is a secret:  The sub trains the Sir.  Yeah, yeah - every porn video says otherwise.  After nineteen collared boys, and multiple collared slaves, I am STILL learning the craft, and I am learning it through the desires, quirks and valuable feedback that I gain after every session.

I STILL ask.  Nicely.

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Check this video to see how to get feedback DURING a play-session.  That way, everything flows well, everybody wins, and nobody complains afterward.

The "Trophy" Boot Print

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Papa Tony:

Being a Flogging Top, AND a long-time collector of fetish boots, I like to reward a dedicated sub with a spectacular image of his back.

In my experience, this image becomes a treasured keepsake of a pleasurable (and intense) time together.

For those who flinch away, and worry that this is somehow torturous, it is not.  Every single man who has been through this process would gladly do back-flips, or pay good money to have it happen again.

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Step-By-Step Instructions

Redden-up the sub's back. My classic instructional video can be of great help.

Quickly get him face-down, on the floor.  Speed is essential.

Press as hard as is polite and comfortable, with the boot, where the flesh is reddened…

If you are FAST enough at taking the picture at the right time, then you probably have a great picture, and might not need to continue with directions any further.  Everything after this is meant to make the image more impressive. I don't know how to accomplish the following photo-editing process on an Android phone.  I welcome feedback that would help me add more to this article!

If you have an iPhone, get it into position and HOLD DOWN the button to start a burst of photos, as you quickly move the boot to a position next to the boot print, as shown above. That boot print goes away fast.

On the iPhone, tap on the miniature pic on the lower left, and then tap “Select”.  Slide through the images until you find the perfect, CLEAR boot print. Tap on it to mark it, and tap “Done” to delete the un-needed images.

At this point, make the sub kneel next to you, and wrap his arms around your leg. You have a little more work to do.

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Editing:

WHY do we want to edit the image?  Because the sub deserves to see what the human eye sees, not the washed-out, grayish image that the phone's camera picks up.

Go to your Photos app, and then to your Camera Roll. Tap the boot print image. Tap the word "Edit" at the upper right.

Tap the "V" symbol to the right of the word "Light".

Tap on "Brightness", and then adjust the image to become slightly darker.  That gets the image ready for the next part.  Tap "Done".

Then, tap "Contrast", and drag to the left to make the image's boot-print "pop!".  The amount is up to you.  We are not making a documentary.  Our goal is to make the image as impressive as it was in real life.

Final editing step: Tap the "V" symbol  next to "Color" and tap on "Saturation". Drag to the left until the back looks realistically red.  Try not to make it TOO much of a reddened horror-show.  Tap "Done".

Immediately show it to the sub, and text it to him, on the spot.  Tell him that he has earned this trophy image because he has pleased you so very much.  Only a real, dedicated submissive could have earned something so nice, and took it so well.

Time to cuddle!

Training and Protocols for a New Submissive

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Question: Do you all have any Protocols for starting play? Like, your subs bringing you their collar or having him sit and breathe before starting?

(Standard disclaimer: These steps and concepts are what works for me, personally.  If you ask eighty different Doms, Sirs and Masters for THEIR opinions, you will get eighty different answers. Also, the original version of this topic was a mess of pronouns of every kind.  I simplified it for consistency, and my own, gay-male viewpoint.)

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Papa Tony:

All of this following advice assumes that the sub wants to be of service, and has lasting value for you… not just a passing, one-night stand.

Collaring, Phase One

If he is a NEW sub, but I have taken quite a fancy to him, I may take some lariat (boot lace) leather and tie it around his neck.  I refer to this as his "training collar".

After the scene, I will have him wear the training-collar into the shower, so that it lays flatter under a t-shirt at work, let's say.

Since the leather collar is comfortably fitted, transparent on an airport x-ray, and not visible at work, it's no big deal.  It is an ongoing reminder of YOU, and your role in his life.  If you are a sentimental old fool like me, you will also tell him that he is to consider it to be a hug from you, as well.

I tell the eager new sub that when the two of us are together, and the collar goes on, then it takes away his ability to over-think things.  He ALWAYS has choices, but your purpose is to support him in letting GO of old fears, biases and wounds, and learning to trust completely.  At the end of the scene, remind him of that promise, and ask if you have earned more of that trust.  I do this, to rub that firm commitment into the sub's face, so that he always LEARNS from what happened.

This is a process of mutual growth and understanding.

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Collaring, Phase Two

I may tell him, after time has passed, and if he impresses me after multiple play-sessions, I will swap the training collar out for a REAL, long-term collar, sized just for him. He will be the custodian of the collar, and he brings it to me the MOMENT that he arrives for a play-session. The "CLICK!" noise when I close the lock is what starts the scene.

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The Purpose of the Collar

In service to an Elder of the Leather Tribe.

A collar, at its very best, is a very public declaration that this submissive is special.  He rises far beyond the vast number of un-collared submissives out there. He is a treasure of great value, and he is on an upward trajectory of training and satisfaction.

I have brought newly-collared submissives to large leathermen's events, as part of helping him to understand how his life has changed.  I will enter the event with him, tightly by my side, and slightly behind me… even at the end of a leash. That way, all eyes fall upon us as a bonded unit.

After a while, I will tell the sub to wander off and make a circuit of the space, and not to come back for at least half an hour.  When he comes back, I interview him about his newly-collared experience.  In every case, he is flushed with pride.  Folks will tell him "You KNOW that you won the lottery, right?" or "How did you get on the list, you lucky bastard??!?"

This process is to support him in understanding just how much his life has changed.  There is more to this, but that would not fit within the concept of "new submissive".  

All that I would add is that a collar is a one-way GIFT.  The very last thing that I would ever do, is to demand to take a collar back.  It is a HUGE, wrenching breakdown for a sub to have to relinquish his most-prized possession.  Don't be so cruel.

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About Protocols...

"Protocols" are consistent and repeatable actions, orders or expectations that the Sir has for the submissive.

The purpose of protocols at the arrival-point is to support the sub into reaching sub-space during the scene.  He can't do that if he is all logical and analytical, and over-thinking everything.

By telling him soberly and assuredly that you are placing the collar upon him as a token of extra respect for him (he stands out from the crowd of subs who seek a Sir), you are claiming him as your sub.

Tell him that your goal is to overwhelm him with pleasure and stimulation, to reward him for giving up control, and going with the flow.

Use the phrase "I am an ethical Sir" as a powerful declaration.  Don't use weasel words like "I will try" or "if I can".  Use powerful statements not only to reassure him, but to give yourself the courage to be a man of your word.

Make a stand for your superiority, compared to the scary types who lurk online and prey upon the innocent.  You may be new at being a Sir, but your heart is pure, your intentions are honorable, and you will gladly do what it takes to be respected, honored, admired and LOVED.

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Setting Up the Play-Space

That's the protocol for the first few minutes.  After that, teach him what pleases you as far as setting things up. This is for folks, like me, who have no dedicated Dungeon Space.

Properly collared, he needs to strip naked and serve your needs, while you remain dressed, visibly goofing off nearby.  Setting up toys, or showering first.

In my own, rather more-advanced case, the slaves have to be taught how to douche, to set up the sling, cross or rim-chair.  He may have to bring the toy-bag upstairs. He might bring up the Big Box 'o Rope™, or the strap-on dildo with lube.  He ALWAYS has to spread large towels on the bed - the husband dislikes finding lube-stains and bodily-fluids on the sheets, when laundry-day rolls around.

Doing stuff like this helps the sub escape from the concerns and considerations of the world, and puts him into a mindful space of pleasing the Sir.

Once the scene has been set up to your liking, he comes to you and kneels, to announce that all is prepared.  He then formally undresses YOU, slowly and lovingly.

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Cuddling, AKA BeforeCare, DuringCare and After Care

I take the sub deeper, by cuddling first.  This ALWAYS shocks men that I train to be Sirs.  This part doesn't appear in ANY kinky porn.  Yet, it works great for me.

I say "put your head on my chest", and he can't wait to do so, immediately.  I caress, we murmur together about this and that.  Touch is VERY reassuring.  It's hard to bullshit people when you are close, naked, touching and fully authentic from moment to moment.  This GREATLY breaks down resistance and preconceptions.

After a short while, I will order the sub to lay flat on his tummy.  I begin caressing more sensuously.  I use every tool that my body has, to make it a deliriously pleasurable kinky massage.

I may then start TESTING the sub's reactions, but playfully smacking the side of his ass, and checking in... "Does that hurt?  Do you feel violated?  You never will..."

Test his reactions to tickling, nipping lightly, or spanking, by always starting out light, and then working one's way up.

The goal is to get the endorphins flowing, more and more.

I sometimes provide a break in a heavy scene, and it always involves cuddling.

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Responsibility For Both Sides

NOW is a VERY GOOD TIME to give him the lecture about Responsibility For Both Sides.  Tell him how responsible you are.  Lay it on thick, and truthfully.

However...

He also has a responsibility to tell the Sir what does and does not work, in real time.  If he tries to lay there stoically, in an attempt to impress the Sir with his stamina, discourage this by telling him that you want honest, constant feedback.

Tell him that his reactions excite you, and the more that he submits, the more that you will dominate.

If all goes well, then amp up the action, using toys.  If you have watched my Flogging for Beginners video, then you will know how to calibrate for success.

Tell him that you will never take him past level 8, out of ten.  That you would rather UNDER-do the first scene, leaving him wanting MORE, than to over-do it.

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Distracting the Little Voice in His Head

Why do I keep harping on using your words as powerful declarations?  Because we Sirs have the power to set the agenda, and guide the flow.

Take a moment to consider what we Sirs are up against.  Bias, misunderstanding and stereotypes, and we have to be active in our efforts to overcome those problems.  Kinky dominant folks are EASILY put into a box called "SCARY".  As an ethical Sir, you have to consciously break down the presuppositions.

Because there is a little voice in all of our heads, and it has a purpose:  It wants to keep our lives safe, and without risk.  It wants your life to be FLAT, with no dips or peaks.  The problem with that is, only DEAD people have existences that never change.

Yes, failure is scary, but taking chances and being rewarded is what makes us reach new, and glorious highs.  If done right, and in a conscious way, then the two of you will still have ups and downs in your life, but the trend will be UPWARD.

As Sirs, we have to reassure the sub's little voice in his head, which wants to scream "WHAT am I doing here?" "Does he think I'm too old/fat/skinny/young/hairy/smooth?" "Am I good enough?"  By talking with assurance, by clearly signaling what comes up next, and by REMINDING the sub what just happened, and why, we are locking-in deeper submission.

That little voice in his head will be distracted by what you are doing and saying, and he will dive deeper into a trusting place.

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Reaching the Ultimate Goal

If you see kink as Extreme Intimacy, as I do, then the goal is to get to Ultimate Ecstasy, using zero drugs, or other crutches.  This never happens without clear thinking and intention.  You don't have to understand all of this fancy talk from me in a logical sense.  Just dive deep with honorable intentions, and you will be FINE.

Once you have the sub nicely excited and relaxed, then sex is quite nice.  I recommend it.

Or, you can go more stimulative, with toys such as paddles and floggers.  Your call.  Trust your gut.  You are running the show.  If all goes well, then the two of you will keep growing and maturing and gaining wisdom, every single time that you connect.

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Aftercare, & Report Card

AFTER a scene, aftercare always involves cuddling.  Why?  Because, done right, the Sir is directing the mutual powerflow toward intensity and stimulation.  If I were to do outrageously new and exciting things, and then kick the sub out the door, then it breaks the connection in an upsetting way.

Proper aftercare consists of several components:

- Physical touch.  Lots of it.  Drifting along for a few minutes is always well-received.  I will order the sub to "go deep for a while.  I will watch the clock".

- This encourages the sub to go right into Sub Space… a mental state where deep ecstasy and relaxation take over. The face goes slack, dreamy bliss takes over, and the sub may even conk out for a few minutes.  Not from stress, but from the natural endorphin high.  It's a magical time.

- Praise for a job well done.  This MUST be authentic and from the heart.  This "Report Card" is crucial for both sides to know how they did, and what works great for the future.

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Closing Protocols

I like to take a shower after a scene.  This may include having the sub shave my head, wash me lovingly in the shower, dry me and dress me.  I head downstairs after this, while the sub stays behind.

It is NOT the Sir's job to clean up.  Everything that changed during the play-scene must be put back the way that it was.  Tidying, cleaning, putting things back where they belong.

Then, I am called back for inspection.  Once everything is up to my satisfaction, the sub can dress.  

The sub presents himself to me, for orders, and we negotiate plans for the next scene.  If he is wearing a chain collar, he hands me the key.  EVERY single time, he whines and complains about having to take it off.  However, since my slaves all have long-time vanilla husbands, it's not really an option.

As the sub is heading out the door, I will issue a final order for the scene:

"Before you sleep tonight, I want an email from you, telling me what happened, (as if I wasn't there), and tell me what you liked, and what didn't work as well".  Until we develop Psychic Sirs, then feedback of this quality is essential for us to learn our craft.

Have fun!

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UPDATE, from my buddy and fellow Mentor Todd:

The article is well written.  It describes your process very clearly.   I see a couple of things that are fairly universal.  The “ramp up” process of putting the sub in headspace is universal and can take a lot of forms.  All of that comes thru practice and experience.  Each Dom may achieve the same thing thru various means but what you’ve described is a good place to start.

Putting the subs head on your chest is what we call “home position” and is the place the sub can always escape to when things get rough.  “Home position” for me is always available whether in or out of a scene.

For me, collars are a REALLY big deal.  Wearing my collar means that the sub represents me and is an extension of me and my family in the community.   I do prescribe to the different “stages” of collars like you described.  Here is also a good video regarding collars that aligns well with me.

Honest, real negotiations going into the scene are CRITICAL!  No one wants to have someone tap out mid-scene. So be honest about your skill set and expect the sub to be honest about their interests.  Kink play RARELY happens spontaneously, but a good introduction makes for some amazing experiences.

Of all the things you described, after-care is the most essential.  It is the Dom's responsibility to reintroduce the sub back into the real world and out of headspace.  You have been pushing the sub mentally and physically for a period of time (sometimes to the point of breaking) and abruptly dumping the sub after the scene can lead to anxiety at best and trauma at worst. Aftercare doesn’t end after 15-20 min either.   You ramped the sub up for weeks; the come-down should be at least equivalent.

AFTERCARE - (after kink care)

Thank you for showing us a glimpse into the way you manage your scenes. Subs trust us with their whole being and we as Doms must honor that gift and treat it with the respect it deserves.

Instructional Video: Kinky Playing Without Toys

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Papa Tony:

Here is the video itself

Years ago, I started posting reviews and demos of kinky toys.  There are many, all over the Internet.

I recently realized that I had never done an instructional video where I specifically avoid using any form of toys or props during kinky, erotic play (with one glorious exception, in today's video).

This is a small part of an actual scene, captured at a local leather bar.  The style of play is subtle to watch on video, but INTENSE to experience, up close.  I am using pressure-points (a lot), tickling, licking, breathing upon wet flesh, spanking, nibbling, gentle touch, FIRM touch, upper-body strength, safe body-punching, ice-water (can never get enough of that) and scratching.

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Play By Play Explanation

00:00 - Foreplay, using fingertips.  Notice that I am NOT being sexually aggressive.  Going at the butthole and the genitals right away, is what beginners do.  This is not a porn film. Masterful players are subtle and seductive, working their way up to supreme pleasure.

00:30 - Applying upper-body strength to restrain, while warming up the ass and thighs.  This conveys a sense of being "taken over" by a Dominant.

00:40 - Changing the tempo, and varying the stimulation, however briefly. NEVER just go bang-bang-bang continuously, as if beating a drum.  The goal is to cause arcing and sparking in the sub's brain circuitry.

01:35 - Using my beard and stubble to vary the stimulation, and then BITING.  Most of this action involves nearly biting (scraping the teeth along the skin), rather than actually chomping down.  When any biting occurs, it is in the form of a nip, using the just the edges of two teeth, one on the upper jaw, and one on the lower.  When you nip, do it hard enough to evoke a noticeable response, and then back off.  Doing this rarely, and then nearly biting some more, creates a natural, anticipatory tension in the sub's mind: "Oh lordy - is it going to happen again?"  When nipping, move around.  Don't just concentrate upon one spot.

02:00 - After licking and biting, blowing upon the wet area, to rapidly cause a cooling sensation.

02:10 - Starting again with the biting, but adding more forceful gripping, and growling, in as authentically lustful of a way as possible. This causes the sub's subconscious brain to panic a bit.  This causes the Fight or Flight Response to kick in, and the endorphins will start pumping like water from a faucet.

My favorite pressure points for kinky play.  

There are MANY others, but not as useful for play.

02:20 - Pressure points.  The obvious ones to start with are the sides of the torso. Many folks are ticklish.  Many folks also can stifle the ticklish response, which can fool many Sirs.  Don't assume that they aren't ticklish, when they are being stoic.  You just haven't broken down their barriers yet.  Trust will cause that to happen.

02:30 - Pressure points, again.  Armpit, followed by...

02:40 - Inner thigh.  This is truly worth finding. Center of the inner thigh, just under the genitals. There are tendons that join up there, and when your firm fingers dig in between them, it causes a wonderful response.

03:00 - Warning the sub that things are about to go up a notch, and obtaining verbal assent.  Then, following through.  Intent, followed by action.  This establishes credibility.

03:20 - This is not a hairy sub.  However, tugging (and maybe even yanking) a few hairs where you can find them, is highly stimulating.

03:45 - Dousing with ice water.  I find it hard to resist doing this in bar demos. Total shock to the system, particularly if there is no warning.  That is why I was gesticulating, rather than using words that would warn the sub what was coming up.  That is a large container of bubbly water with lime juice.  I NEVER do kinky play when using alcohol, or any other substance that could impair my judgment. This would be unethical.  In the last forty years, I have seen too many scenes that have gone wrong (sometimes horribly wrong), when either or both players are not fully present.

03:55 - Spreading the wetness around.  Later, I like to fan the wet area with a flogger, but that is outside the topic of Playing Without Toys.

04:25 - Again, firm grasp, with biting.

05:10 - Slapping, then punching.  You will notice that I am ONLY doing this to the larger muscles which can handle it, not to areas where the bones are close to the surface.

05:45 - My personal goal for ass-spanking is to strike at the area of the ass above the butthole.  Everything else is just warmup.  This area can be spanked very hard, AFTER a nice, long amount of warmup.  This reminds the sub of what happened, as they drive home.  Normally, I work both sides of the ass equally.  In this case, since I am performing for the camera, I can't do as even of a job, without blocking the camera view.

After the Video Ends

There was much more to the scene, involving Florentine and regular-style flogging, and MUCH aftercare, cuddling and talking.  I omitted this because my play-partner was wary of having his face on video, and I respect that.

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My Playmate's Reaction

Activity such as this is extremely emotive. I tend to immerse myself in the moment. Thoughts of past or future only interfere with my understanding of the now. Afterward, the experience in its specifics fade but I retain the overall emotion. When I speak in generalities it's often because the correct words cannot precisely express my intent.

Often, moments after an encounter, the lingering sensations and accompanying emotion will obliterate any distinguishable vocabulary leaving me with 'that was fun'. In this case I was alight and reeling from sensations. Sensations pleasurable, painful, and others that fall somewhere in between.

Papa Tony brought me through moments of endurance and through some sensory loudness. The ice water, a pleasurable surprise. The tickles that create an interior tempest rather than an external impact. The fur tugging, a welcomed spirit of humor. The bites that are high, bright, loud punctuation. That night Papa Tony had exposed, controlled, and brought to the surface my innate nature.

Watching the video is interesting. I can now visually equate actions with what, before viewing the video, I only had sensory memories. Memories from my skin, muscle and bone. The visual overview, in my opinion, does not compare to the physical stimulation I was feeling in that moment. At times the video shows activity that seems so small, so slight that one can almost overlook it but from the sensation point of view, it was a huge moment. I'm a very visual person, but often times a touch is worth a thousand pictures.

For Tops: Preparation and Seduction, Before Fucking A Newbie's Ass

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Papa Tony:

UPDATE: Wow - This page is in line to become the most-popular article that I've written so far, 24 hours after posting it. It's going really viral, in the USA, Malaysia, Poland, Canada, the UK, Taiwan, Germany, Singapore, France and the Philippines!  Clearly, this is a message that needs to get out there.  I suspect a lot of men are sending this article to their boyfriends.

UPDATE 2:  Here is the audio from the follow-up discussion on this topic.  We have some GREAT new stars among us!  Last time I checked Google Analytics, this article has been read over 300,000 times.

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My goal is to teach the reader how to be a superb Top, with eager bottoms singing his (or her) praises.  The steps that I list below can be accomplished in a few short minutes, or it may take months, but the end-result is a piggy, grateful bottom that can take a cock of any size without drugs, stretching, harm or pain of any kind.  Being a gay man, I write from that perspective, but not with any intent of trying to exclude anybody.

Question: In the event that you play with a bottom who is very inexperienced and hasn't bottomed much (or at all), do you give him a some time (a few minutes or so) to get used to you when you first start to fuck, or do you just thrown him into the deep end of the pool and take him to pound town?

If somebody takes an inexperienced bottom and intentionally takes him directly to Pound Town without negotiating exactly that beforehand, then he deserves to be chased away with rocks thrown at his head.  Why?  Because I have spent the last four decades helping damaged, frightened men to get back in touch with their assholes as sexual playthings, after years of avoidance.  

Too many men are doing what dogs do, which is to jump on, pump, squirt and then jump off. It's great for the Top.

It can easily be terrible/traumatic/damaging for the shy, new, eager and inexperienced bottom.  I speak from direct experience.  I've always had freakishly large, attractive rump-muscles.  My nickname used to be Thunder Buns. So, in my younger days experimenting with gay sex, I'd let men fuck my ass.

I'd bite the pillow, bleed, suffer for days afterward, and regret having given up pussy for dick.  I figured it was somehow MY fault, because I wasn't keeping up. Then, one day, my life changed:

I was off-duty (Navy) and staying off-base in an apartment building.  It was laundry day, and a small, mousy and not-all-that-attractive man was working HARD to get me to have sex with him.  I finally gave in, figuring that I'd throw him a thrill.  Oh, I was so wrong.

He rocked my WORLD.  I basically became his butt-slave for three weeks.  I'm naturally inclined to be a Top, but I wanted to learn from the obvious expert, and he taught me some deep wisdom.  Here is a summary, for those of you who want to be a popular, well-rated Top, with plenty of word-of-mouth referrals:

• ASSUME that the guy you're about to play with, is eager, inexperienced and needing some seduction.  Don't assume that he's an experienced porn-actor who can take anything from anybody. Be pleasantly surprised if he proves otherwise, but it's never a bad idea to start slow and careful.

• Stick a well-lubed finger up his ass, with a SHORT, SMOOTH NAIL.  If I see heteroporn with a woman sticking blood-red talons up a guy's ass, I cringe.  The flesh down there is delicate. There are multiple, excellent reasons for sticking a lubricated finger up there:

• Check to see if he's relaxed and ready.  If his outer ass-ring is CLENCHED, he's not ready yet. The problem is not down in his ass, it's between his ears.  Maybe he's afraid, or he's been hurt before, or he doesn't trust you yet.  So, it's your job to seduce him into relaxing.  More below.

• Adding some well-needed lube.  Dry fucks, using nothing but "spit and determination" are classic porn-video fantasies, but again, we can't assume that our newest partner is at that advanced stage.  As we used to say back in the 1970's, "if it's not dripping off of the ceiling, it's not enough lube!"

• Finding his prostate, AKA "Joy Buzzer #1".  The prostate is a rounded mound on the other end of his dick, inside the ass, and its location can change quite a bit (deep vs. shallow) from man to man.  Its job is to generate the fluid that his sperm swims around in. Properly stimulated, a prostate will generate enough additional fluid to give the bottom "blue balls" after a while, leading to eagerness for more delightful butt-sex. YOUR job is to take careful note of its location, and then to please the hell out of it.

• Checking to see if he's got any poop up there.  Yes, from an aesthetic standpoint, it is unpleasant, but from a relaxed-butt standpoint, it's very unhelpful.  I don't know how scientifically accurate this next assertion is, but it's what I learned a long time ago from some VERY advanced players: There is a bundle of nerves at the base of your spine, that keeps you from pooping when you walk.  If there is poop in your lower bowel, your asshole will clench, whether you want it to, or not.  There are zillions of articles on the Internet on how to douche an ass.

Let's talk about Operant Conditioning, in the context of butt-sex:

I'll call it "Positive Reinforcement", instead.  To train a shy, new, eager bottom to CRAVE more, I have to take him through many steps, with patience and respect, giving rewards for behavior that moves the ball forward, and gently ignoring the stuff that doesn't work at the moment.

As a high-quality Top, MY job is to seduce the bottom.  What does this mean?  Establishing Trust with a Capital T.  Being true with my feelings and thoughts, from moment to moment. Staying in communication.  NOT using "Porn Dialog" ("Fuck Yeah.  Fuck Yeah"), if it's not truly what I'm feeling.

Every one of us has a voice inside our heads, telling us to beware what is happening, or to tell ourselves that we are surely going to fail, or that maybe the guy we are playing with thinks our dick/belly/ass/back is too hairy/big/small/old/whatever. That noise is also in your new bottom's head, and it wants to tell him that he is heading for a brick wall.  YOUR job is to talk openly, honestly and affectionately about your feelings and desires from moment to moment.  Why?  Because it silences and stills the voice inside his head, and he's GRATEFUL for the relief.

If I'm playing with a man's ass for the first time, I reward him for each stage that he attains in his new status as a piggy bottom:

• If his ass is tight enough to sharpen pencils, I will stimulate the OUTSIDE with pleasurable attention, using tongue and fingers.  The dick does NOT show up at this stage.  Oh, no. We don't want any panic at this early stage.  I will praise how well he is doing, no matter how small the accomplishment.  I tell him that I'm okay if we DON'T actually fuck until the second or third date (or a month!), which takes the pressure off of him to catch up faster than he is prepared for, mentally.  It also gives him the pleasurable knowledge that there is more to look forward to, with this REALLY nice, respectful Top.

• If he's starting to relax a bit, I will use the phrase "Breathe me in", while starting to penetrate him with my smallest finger.  If he clenches/spasms, STOP MOVING.  No pulling out, no pushing in.  It's a normal response.  Once his ass stops spasming, praise him for relaxing, and help him to know how he is progressing.

• If he has taken the smallest finger well, slowly pull out, re-lube and then bring it on back in.  There shouldn't be any spasming at this point.  Praise him for being looser than before, but only if you mean it.  He can spot bullshit. Your goal is to take him through the stages, with no rush or pressure.

Why am I taking such a (literally) "slow-poke" approach?  Because of the possibility of PTSD.  Too many men have been damaged by inept Tops.  Always assume that he is begging you to help him get past it.  Continuing:

Here is an animation of me, flaring my nostrils.  Back when I was a kid, I sat in front of a mirror, and kept practicing, until I found the mental "switch" to flare my nostrils.  Here I am, half a century later, and I STILL know where that switch is.

It's the same with an ass.

Normally, we poop (and occasionally, fart) with our asses.  We are NOT born with the knowledge of how to relax our ass.  How do I know?  If I order a man to "RELAX THAT ASS", there is no telling what he'll do in his attempts to comply.  He might get it right, and, many times, he won't.  It's your job to help him find the switch inside his own head, so that his ass can be receptive, welcoming and eager, any time.

To accomplish this noble goal, we generously use praise, when it is earned.  If he graduates to your longest finger, have him go on hands and knees and switch to your thumb, with a nail that is equally smoothly-trimmed and sandpapered.  This is where it gets really FUN.

DON'T offer him drugs, including poppers. They cause the scared part of his brain to get ignored, sure, but they also cause the pain-receptor part of his brain to keep from screaming "DAMAGE!" I'd rather have 1% of true, connected and ecstatic sex, than 100% of the fake shit involving drugs. I remind the reader: I started having sex (with thousands of men) in the 1970's, with the hardest of hardcore players. I know about drugs, and the cost. They truly are not necessary.

So, it's thumb time:  Your goal is to EROTICIZE ass-play for this man, and many times, it will be his first experience of such a thing.  You are doing him a world of good, so press onwards.  Lube up his cock really well, insert your thumb in his ass, and start (gently) twiddling his prostate. Rub in circles directly on top of it.  Or, press on the closest part of the prostate, and rub from side to side.

If he complains that he needs to pee, accept it graciously, but chances are very good that he needs no such thing. He's so unfamiliar with prostate-stimulation that he can't sub-divide the sensations enough to tell what he's feeling.  This will pass.

If your thumb is comfortably, non-painfully inside his ass, order him (in a no-nonsense manner) to start playing with his dick.  If his prostate gets all swollen and rock-hard, tell him to leave his dick alone, because that is a flashing-red-light signal that he is about to cum.  That means that you are being successful in teaching him that his ass is for sexual pleasure. Keep supporting more and more excitement, and edging him closer, but not necessarily to orgasm.

However, if he DOES cum with something up his ass, tell him "Don't hold back!  Give me everything!" Why?  Because you are training him to be delighted that his ass is a source of sexual pleasure.  If he cums as a direct result of what you are doing, you're a hero in his eyes.  This is all to the good.

The next part is up to you:

Your goal is to get him ready for the Main Event, whether it's your cock, or a dildo, or whatever.  If you have a sizable object to insert, the bottom has to be comfortable with a certain number of fingers up his ass first, matching the diameter of the Object of Desire.  This may happen on Date Number One, or it may take patient, multiple trainings over weeks, using ever-slightly-larger toys, or groups of fingers, starting with two fingers, and moving up to three if necessary.

Keep being patient, and keep using the techniques I mentioned above this.  This is training and seduction.  You're creating beautiful new possibilities for a man that wants VERY much to earn your respect, and to give you every kind of pleasure.

What porn does NOT show you: That skinny twink has to get his ass ready with a series of ever-larger dildos, sometimes for hours, before he can take that monster cock.  That process never shows up in the video, because it's not sexy.  However, it's crucial.

You may have noticed something in my writing - I haven't talked about the Top's orgasms.  There will be plenty of those, and they'll be great, because you'll soon be fucking an eager, butt-hungry bottom-boy who LOVES what you do.  First, you have to get the bottom TRAINED.  Set it as a goal that he will NEVER endure even the slightest pain.  He will repay you many times over, and you'll be SUCH a happy Sir!

Why I Train Tops On A Constant Basis

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

UPDATE:  I am currently too ill to directly teach classes, with no real idea when (or if) I will get better.  In the meantime, I am now mentoring online, with folks in Manitoba, Bangkok, Edinburgh, and all over the USA.

I still post the following, older article, to let folks know what has been possible.

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Papa Tony:

Several times every week, I used to create small, private, extremely social gatherings of Tops, Doms, Sirs, Misters and Masters who want to know more about being a highly-respected, experienced man of the Tribe.  Now  am too old to do this any more, but I am leaving a historical record:

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THE AGENDA FOR EVERY GATHERING:

There aren’t enough Mentors to go around.  There is a huge need.  If we leave things the way that they are, there never WILL be enough kind, wise, experienced and self-confident dominant Elders, Mentors, Leaders and Role-Models to make a noticeable difference in our Tribe.  

I’m doing my part to change that.  I'm taking the long, long view, and it’s working really, really well.

Since I started, there are MANY more couples, Leather Families and collared, deeply-satisfied submissives showing up in our Tribe.  That's my pay-off.  I grew up as a young "Sir In Training" in the 1970's, when we had a thriving, ongoing cycle of mentoring between the generations.

It has been my self-appointed duty to bring back the Tribal culture that sustained me so well.

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BACKGROUND HISTORY

Decades ago, we had plenty of dominant males who were:

- Heavy players

- Wise and experienced

- Willing to kindly share what they knew, and

- Visible and available.

Nowadays, not so much.  Those gay-male Sirs were the first and the fastest to die, back in the bad old days.  They have NOT been replaced in any visible quantities. Their loss has rippled down the years, and the wound in our cultural psyche has some more healing to do.

As a result, we have seen two younger generations of dominant males who have never known when they have graduated to their next level, because nobody with large numbers of miles on their odometer has loved them enough to say so, when it became apparent. A lot of men feel like posers, fakers and wannabes, when the truth is that they have enormous amounts of what it takes.  They have just never felt "certified".

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WHAT I DO

My job is to hold up a mirror to each man, on an extremely individual basis, and to help him to see how valuable he already is.  Yes, I help him polish his technique…  but far more importantly, I coach him on how to be the kind of man that the Tribe is looking for.  I show him success techniques, social skills, coping-mechanisms, and various tips that can help him to grow into his next level.

I teach him the difference between "force", and "strength". Being macho, 100% intense and emotionally blocked-off works GREAT.

If you're starring in a porn video.

I teach men how to live BALANCED lives, where you can let your strongest passions out, AND be tender, emotional and thoughtful as well. The pendulum has to swing freely.  There is a difference between being BOSSY, and being a natural leader.

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MALE INTIMACY

There is a lot of Male Intimacy at these training-events.  No, not sex.  Intimacy.  We join together in affectionate hugs that really bind us closer as brothers.  We cuddle in "Puppy Piles", where we relax and sprawl upon each other.  We laugh loudly, and act silly at times, while engaging in "Top Talk".

If this is NOT your style, you won't like the rest of what happens, either.  It's all part of dropping the shields, and being fully present with some great guys. We all need trusted brothers, and every event is all about brotherhood.

The bottoms that attend these events get to go through a wide variety of experiences, and are required to give solid, visible reactions on a constant basis. That way, the men in training can get useful feedback, which helps them enormously.

Every dominant that passes through this process has to progress at his own rate, and in his own time.  There are no short-cuts, but the payoff is very satisfying for all of us who are there with him during his journey.

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RULES

I'm not strict, but I do expect, at a minimum, that you will be a man of your word.  I'm not very flexible on the subject of living in integrity. Just don't be a flake, and we will get along great.

We also do NOT do drugs.  Intoxication is a serious no-no. Mental clarity is how we do things.

If things are not working out, I will give you clear, unmistakeable information that will help you get better at fitting in.  If you still can't play by our rules of courtesy, you will be told that you are not welcome any more. This has never happened so far at these events.

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THE COST

There is a cost for everything, and I'm pretty strict about this:

In return for my time, kindness and generosity, I demand that you share everything that you learn, without holding back, at every opportunity.  We need many, many more mentors, and information shared is wisdom multiplied. Set a goal of being a wise old, gray-bearded man some day, who is beloved for his wisdom that is so readily apparent and available.

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HOW TO FIND OUT MORE

If any of this sounds appealing, and if you identify as male, contact me at papatony @mac.com, and let me know if you have read through some of the materials that I have posted online.  I consider at least SOME of it to be a prerequisite for acceptance in the ongoing parade of newly-minted, certified and confident Sirs, Masters, Doms and Daddies.

This is my show.  I take full responsibility for the safety, well-being and success of the space.  I'm ridiculously easy to work with.  My keen observational skills, my empathy and my natural "Border Collie" nature make me fully-present at every moment.

Let's play, and grow, and bond closely.  Things are going GREAT.  The effects are rippling out in the world and making a huge difference.  Come be a part of it.

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REVIEWS

From David:

I whole heartedly agree with what you Wrote.. and to be quite blunt you are Right.. I have never had a Father Figure or even a Older Tribesman who has shown me the way.. I have felt Lost for  So long I cant tell you how good it feels to finally after so many years to have found a Mentor whom I look up to and look forward to learning from…

what I have noticed over the last few years (before I met you) is that I myself have taken on the role of Teacher to younger men.. Imbuing them with my knowledge and understanding of life as I have seen and experienced it.. Granted I was sexual with those men but at the same time it was a Genuine concern for them and their lives that made me want to be their Daddy.. I feel a need to HELP those who are less fortunate.. or haven't made it to where I have..  

I guess this is exactly why we have clicked as friends.. and I am very Grateful to the universe for bringing me here.. and being a part of this group of Men.

———

From Frank:

My Thoughts,

I am a New Explorer to the Kink scene. My BDSM initiation was at Body Electric workshop last fall. I returned to SD seeking comrades in my own backyard.  Shortly after my return I met Papa Tony and was introduced to FMSD. One of the friendliest and welcoming groups of men I have yet to meet.

I was seeking not only play buddies, but knowledge of safe and expert use of toys. I simply expressed this to Papa Tony and then showed up. In the past few months he has become a mentor and friend.

My ill found beliefs about BDSM were dispelled at my B.E. workshop. I was concerned when I left that bubble what I would find in the ‘real’ world. I am writing this to tell you what Papa T professes (and those of you that know him know how well he does that, profess I mean….love you man!) is that BDSM is about intense connections. These connections are based on Trust and Respect. These are tenets I experienced in the bubble and am happy to report are practiced here in real live San Diego.

Yeah, he has taught me the basics of using a flogger and single tail. But his most important lesson is to make sure that those I play with can trust me and that I respect them even if they are playing a submissive role.

One last thing, (don’t want his head to get too big….either one, as he’s probably getting a big ole boner) Men are all too often recognized or rewarded for things other people think they should be doing. Here at FMSD we are doing what we want to do, being true to ourselves AND if you demonstrate that honestly and share that with your comrades respectfully Papa Tony is there to support, recognize and reward you.

Heartfelt regards Pops, Frank

———

From Magnum:

I've been on/off in the San Diego leather/kink/BDSM since 2006. 

I've read numerous books and attended various workshops including Body Electric's BDSM workshop "Power, Surrender & Intimacy".

However, using the knowledge gained from those experiences combined with the artistry, mentorship and mastery of Papa Tony's guidance has allowed me to fully embrace and step into my authentic master/top/leader energies.

Other benefits I've gained from Papa Tony's mentorship & guidance:

~ trust, consistency & responsibility 

~ clarity of my mission as a Leatherman

~ self confidence & control

~ balance, intimacy, & time management with my collared submissives and my other "poly relationships".

~ intergration of archetypal energies (king, magician, warrior, lover)

~ mastery, technique and attention to detail regarding impact play (flogging, single-tail)

~s ense of belonging & connection to the greater leather/kink/BDSM community.

The investment I've made to trust Papa Tony's wisdom & training has paid off with huge dividends. 

Just ask my submissives!

With a deep bow, honor & gratitude.

Magnum