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Back to Telling the Hard Truth, Before Continuing, or back to the Main Menu... In my last article, I talked about how we have lost many gay men we've lost to AIDS, and how it has affected us on a personal basis. One thing that is rarely discussed is how their loss affects the entire community. One of the finest traditions I remember from the "Good Old Days" of my youth is having older men mentoring the younger (or recently-out) men. This could take the form of giving fatherly advice about boyfriends, providing a role-model for succeeding in life as an openly gay male, being a "sugar daddy" financially, providing a little arm-twisting to get somebody special a job, or just good old sex - the theory and the practice. I was the lucky recipient of all of these benefits, and more. Even if a younger man was not attracted to middle-aged or older men, he could still observe them interacting at the bathhouses, which were very popular social centers. Human beings learn social behavior from watching others, and modern porno movies don't have the same instructional value as actually watching a bunch of seasoned sexual athletes going at it in an orgy-room, and then cuddling and laughing afterward. So, we watch porno movies instead, now that the baths seem so hazardous. Nowadays, there is very little of worth to learn about seduction, preparation, foreplay, technique or afterplay to learn from a zillion modern porno videos, featuring shaved, zero-body-fat, big-dicked young guys making faces at each others' private parts, and appearing to penetrate others, dry, within the first few seconds. There are a lot of bad tops out there, who are under the impression that Jeff Stryker is a proper role-model for sexual expertise! The hidden subtext of all of these "perfect"-appearing role-models is that if you don't look like an International Male catalog model, (and 99% of us don't), then you must be taking up space on the wrong planet. It leaves many of us with a bad feeling about ourselves, even if we're utterly attractive to many men. In the seventies, hot men were hot, period - Placing perfection on a pedestal is a relatively recent phenomenon. Beyond sex, there is a deep need among men (gay or otherwise) to believe that they are valued, watched-over and included. Many of us have had relationships with our fathers and other males that have been incomplete. Most of us didn't have solid, successful gay role-models when we were growing up (in my case, it was Liberace, who I couldn't relate to at all). Hetero role-modeling simply doesn't work when you're trying to build a life with another guy. Most of us gay guys learn that men are easiest to handle on a crotch-level. Faceless sex is easy, and widely available. The hard part is taking other men into our hearts and confidence. We're thrown into the world, where we're expected to know, instinctively and automatically, how to be a success at courtship, relationships, business, and day-to-day life. Most of us cope as well as we can, but we secretly crave an academy that teaches how to be completely successful at life, love and business as openly-gay males. There is one - It's the tradition of being a capital-D "Daddy", and it has been going on for as long as humans have existed. However, the cycle was disrupted during the AIDS epidemic. There is something we can do about that. It's hard when we still want the Daddy Fairy to come out of nowhere to rescue us, but he's not going to show up. The very peak of satisfaction comes from the feeling that we are in a tribe that wants us, approves of us, and welcomes us. That blessed sense of belonging is what we crave, but to get it, we have to hand it out to others first. In my own case, I'm absolutely committed to the well-being of my community. If I am going to have sex with another man, it will be in a manner that doesn't place either one of us in jeopardy. If I want to see our community doing better, I have a responsibility to DO something about it. Onward to Finding the Daddies, Within...

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