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On Monday, February 21st, 2000 at 7PM, the gay leathermen's workshop titled "Ask Daddy Anything" will be held at MCC Meeting Hall, 4333 30th Street (at 30th and El Cajon Boulevard in North Park).

The hand-picked panelists will provide a safe, comfortable and nurturing space, where gay men who are new to the leather scene can ask any questions at all (anonymously if they wish). The panel of Daddies will answer all questions with respect and patience, and all participants will be encouraged to share their experiences.

The purpose of this workshop is to reach out to the men who have wanted to learn more about the mentoring, history and traditions of the leather scene, but have been intimidated by negative stereotypes. Additionally, every effort will be made to encourage participants to become better-connected with the local Leather Tribe.

All gay leathermen (at all experience-levels) are encouraged to attend this event, and to share in the spirit of brotherhood. There is no charge for this event, but a $1 donation for MCC (to thank them for the meeting-space) is encouraged. There will be no dress-code, though dignified leather/fetishwear is requested, if available.

After the workshop, participants will be encouraged to gather for coffee at Rudford's, one block away. This will allow everyone to continue the discussion in a friendly, informal setting.

This is only the very first item on my list - I'm gathering the sweetest, kindest and most Daddyish Daddies around, and I want to create something that lasts a long time afterward. In the previous year, I gathered the leaders together. Now, I'm working on creating a bonded group of fine men to be role-models and mentors.

This last Monday's event was meant to introduce the participants to each other. Future workshops will be more structured, with specific themes. In fact, the next one will be a "Tops and Bottoms" workshop, patterned after a successful event up north. The folks at MCC are very willing to make their meeting-hall available for monthly, regular workshops, and more news will be posted as time goes by.

First of all, I'm mentioning the workshop in EVERY one of my columns from now on, and also telling everybody around me at upcoming events (with flyers).

Best of all, three days before the event, Club Montage and I are putting on a leather dance-party, and each entrant gets a flyer for Leather Pride Week, including prominent mention of the workshop.

Am I on the job, or what?

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Hey - why not include women and straight men? Simply because there has to be a clear focus. I'm not trying to cover all bases with this initial effort. The rest of the work that I do does that.

I'm doing this specific workshop as my personal coming-out statement to the local community. I've been super-active in supporting other people's events for a year and a half, but this is my first public "Papa Tony"-branded event.

I'm a Daddy, and if there's one thing I've noticed really thoroughly, it's that there simply aren't enough Daddies to go around. I'm always very scatter-brained these days, trying to tend to many people who need to know how to be a successful grownup. I do the work because I believe that it brings the level of civilization up in the world, plus it's my way of paying-back the Karmic debt I owe to the Daddies who taught me.

As an example, I spent two-and-a-half hours last night coaching a young lesbian, who asked me hundreds of questions about her parental and relationship issues, and I honored her desire to learn more by patiently giving her whatever information I had. I hope that she calls me and I can introduce her to the good people that I know.

I believe that a group-effort can't do any harm in a workshop like this. I've been working for myself as an entrepreneur for nearly nineteen years, and the philosophy of an entrepreneur is "Find a need and fill it." My gut-feeling is that there is a large, untapped public out there, waiting to be invited to join us - I hear this sort of stuff all of the time:

"I have been wanting to buy some leather, but I'm not into pain."

"Leather is just fashion, right?"

"I've wanted to check out Wolf's, but I heard that the guys in there will grab you and do things against your will."

"Leather men are hot, but so scary!"

I figure that the only way that people's minds can be changed is if they see (with their own eyes) that their dicks don't fall off if they go to a women's leather contest, or if they have straight folks as dear friends. That's where role-modeling comes in, and maybe it'll work if we have some new paradigms.

The workshop appears to be a simple thing on the surface, but there are much deeper levels of complexity and purpose behind it.

There was a recent issue of International Leatherman magazine with an article called "How to Find a Master". The author said "I've been asked why there isn't an article called 'How to Find a Slave.' - It's easy - When you factor in all of the variables, there's MAYBE a four-percent chance that the average gay leatherman you meet is a non-married, non-psycho 80-percent-and-up Top. Masters don't need to learn how to find slaves, they need an appointment secretary!" :->

What made this delightful was that none of us had met before, except we all knew Dale, the guy who had invited us. We all had a certain level of maturity and enough miles on our odometers to relax and be joyful with each other, laughing and encouraging each other as we stood up to speak.

I want more.

I want to gather the sweetest, kindest and best Daddies in San Diego, and show them off as role-models. I want to create a safe space where that same powerful, glowing joy can occur over and over.

Any more questions? Thanks for sending in your thoughts!

Well, of COURSE!

Since you don't know me that well yet, I'd love to yak with you a LOT about this sort of stuff - Let me start out first by saying that I deeply admire every one of the Dyke Daddies I've met. I've learned a lot from several, and will gladly, glady encourage more interactions within the community so that Dyke Daddies aren't a mystery to the general public.

Here's where I'm at, at the moment:

The last year and a half has been baffling to me, in one respect. I figured that if I invited many gay leathermen (forcibly, at times) to accompany me to various mixed events, then friendships would bloom and all would be well. Regretfully, it hasn't happened. I'm trying to figure this thing out.

My efforts for the next year are going to be focused on cracking that particular nut. I am planning to gently seduce my brothers into opening their minds by presenting them with well-rounded, strong and admirable role-models who share my gentle and powerful philosophies. This workshop is going to be the beginning of a new type of tribe, and the women in town are really going to like it!

My dream is to see an affinity-group that isn't based on anger and constant drawing of lines of distinction between "us" and "them". The grownup, manly arts can include gentlemanly conduct and sharing among friends. Leather doesn't have to be an armor-plating, and the only way to get this news out is by being proactive about it.

By this time, you're probably pretty puzzled about my sudden decision to go it alone and start up a non-GLO-sponsored gay leathermen's workshop. Here are the thought-processes that led to it:

1) I was tired and not really taking the time to be diplomatic enough. I had been spending hours in front of the computer, gathering info for the column, and I was extremely pixel-eyed. NOW that I've had some rest and time away from the computer-screen, I realize that I didn't handle it particularly sensitively.

2) I've been getting discouraged that there are so many rules tripping you and me up - "The Board Says This" and "The Board Says That" - I've never been much of a cog, no matter how I try to be one. I want this workshop to be a blessed, open-hearted, breakthrough of majestic power, and I don't believe that it can be, with everybody peeing on it to make sure it fits Official Guidelines. I had the same problem with SDLLC - Everything that I did was second-guessed as long as I had an official role, so I had to start doing things independently.

3) It really IS time for me to start spreading my wings. I haven't done much on my own in the local leather scene, up until now - It's all been in support of other people's efforts, and sooner or later I have to take my turn.

4) I wanted to have the event be within Leather Pride Week. You guys should definitely start thinking about what plans you want to make (a big, special event of some kind) and get back to me so I can add it to the Community Calendar. The following dates are open:

Saturday, February 20th 2000
Sunday, February 21st
Tuesday, February 22nd
Wednesday, February 23rd
Thursday, February 20th There is nobody else, anywhere that I have been talking to about my efforts to collaborate with you. What I mean to say is that I haven't been telling people the business that is between the three of us. Nobody's wondering what's going on here, and talking about it, as far as I know.

I've been leaving phone-messages for David, the owner of Shooterz, about setting a date for the Tea Dance, and I've already spoken to the DJ, who has no trouble with non-remixed versions of songs. I'm sure David won't mind us setting a date. Did you have one in mind?

Here are the confirmations so far:

Mark O'Keefe - fifty-fifty chance of him attending - I sure hope that he can. He's a sweetheart who knows what he's talking about, and that's what is needed - I don't want to gather leather tough-guys who see leather as a suit of armor.

Bill Freyer - Red Hankies Head Honcho, totally comfortable with large groups, and a superb man. Warm, wise and intelligent.

Mark Holmes - Mr. San Diego Leather in '84, and ran the contest from 84 until '89 - Considers himself "Old-Guard", and belongs to the Rainbows Motorcycle Club. Mark and I go WAAAY back, and we agree on just about everything. A perfect example of the leather traditions that are so admirable.

Tim Lowe - just the sweetest and nicest guy ever, and my dear friend. He inspires me every time that I see him, particularly when I see him dancing on Friday nights at Rampart. I want him on the panel because I know that he has a generous soul.

Kent Arnold - Program Director, Orange Coast Leather Assembly (OCLA), and a darling man - I met him at the Palm Springs gig, and he's solid gold. Hopefully, you'll hear him speak publicly - A real powerhouse.

Zak Topor - Mr. San Diego Leather '97, I think... He's got a heart as big as all outdoors, and a proven kind soul.

--- I'm still waiting for word from the others, and I'm still working on more guys I have in mind. I have a few months to go, yet...

I think that you get the idea - the goal is to get supportive, grown-up, not-necessarily-official guys who are known by me to have a capacity for joy and kindness. Truthfully, I think it wouldn't be too harmful to have a BIG crowd of Daddies, just so that there is a bonding-process, and a perfect opportunity for all of these glorious men to meet. I'm planning to have a dinner-party for y'all before the actual event, so that everybody can meet and do some mutual butt-sniffing :->

My goal is to give honor to what we have here, now. It's not too late to experience the history and continuity of the Good Old Days, because those things live on in us. There needs to be a celebration of what we have among us and all around us.

I know, and you'll notice that I'm not calling the workshop "Old Guard" in any way. I have no issues with Old Guard (I sort-of qualify, myself), but I have written before about the dangers of nostalgia for the glorious past. It can blind us to the glory of what is all around us. I do NOT want to draw any lines of distinction (Old Guard vs. Everybody Else), even implicitly. I hate to think of ANYBODY leaving the workshop and feeling left-out for any reason.

In my opinion, what our community needs more than anything else is to take account of who is here NOW, with the admirable, mature and gentlemanly qualities that we all need to see. The theme for this workshop is our open-armed invitation to become part of the Tribe that exists and grows every day.

I expect to see plenty of new folks there who will have their bullshit-detectors cranked up high. So, I want to have a high caliber of good men there, being as transparent as water and totally comfortable with each other. That's the first step - The second step is to follow through with hard, factual information that will sweep people along to the next phase.

To do this, I will have handouts for everybody that give tips and pointers to websites, newspaper columns, mailing-lists and organizations. I'll also include an invitation for folks to become active as volunteers, specifically as a method for gaining respect and friendships with solid, balanced and honest people.

My long-term goal is to build a durable foundation that will strengthen the community long after we're gone. The best way to do this is to reach out to others who are new or eager to take their turn as leaders and volunteers - they'll replace us some day.