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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I hope it can also serve to help readers think about exactly what it is they’re looking for. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.
I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.
When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.
- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.
- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.
- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.
- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.
- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.
- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.
- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.
- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master?
I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.
When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.
- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.
- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.
- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.
- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.
- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.
- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.
- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.
- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master?
Knowing the kind of personality that turns you on and being able to articulate it helps the dominant have an idea what kind of scene and feel would make you most submissive and have the most fun. It also helps a lot because you can at least inform dominants who contact you but aren’t your type that it’s simply a matter of personality conflict. It’s always useful for Doms to know why we didn’t make the cut.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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