Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!
By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
A submissive recently was asking some questions about how my relationship with @bredbeta worked. I am not interested in being an entirely public figure but I can go into what I feel some basics of relationships are without discussing ours. There are MANY relationship types. I can’t cover them all, I’m sure I don’t even know them all. I do not intend to exclude anyone or reduce their experience, but I do want to cover variants on sexual relationships since that is where my blog’s content centers. So find below some definitions, tips, and advice I’d gotten from other couples I found useful (as well as from personal experience). If this works for you, great! If not, then feel free to ignore it.
- Romantically Monogamous Sexually Non-Monogamous: This is becoming more common in the gay community. In this model one or both partners is free to fuck other people without worrying it is a threat to the relationship (ideally both sides feel this way). This model has a good degree of flexibility. Both sides may not really limit each other in terms of who they play with or when. Both sides may agree with very specific rules (you can fuck someone but no kissing that’s just for us). In this model, what constitutes cheating is usually (and should be) discussed and worked out in advance and varies from person to person.
- Romantically Non-Monogamous Sexually Monogamous: This model is one I have not encountered in the wild. My understanding is that some poly couples might want to explore romantic feelings with other partners but maintain an intimate sexual connection with their primary partner (to be explained below). Dating would likely not be considered cheating in this model, but sexual activity of any kind would be considered cheating.
- Romantically and Sexually Non-Monogamous: This model is more commonly referred to as “poly” or “polyamorous”. This model of relationship is extremely varied. So much so it is difficult to truly define it down and still do it any justice. If this sounds like an interesting proposition I strongly recommend you find any number of poly resources who can do a far better job than I at making suggestions and introducing you to the subject. That said here’s my best crack at it. Generally, two people engage in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other.
Relationship Models
- Romantically and Sexually Monogamous: I think we’re all familiar with this type. For a variety of reasons this relationship is the one that society tends to prefer. Many people fake this model of relationship while engaging privately in others. That’s their business. For this relationship, romantic or sexual activity with another person usually constitutes cheating.- Romantically Monogamous Sexually Non-Monogamous: This is becoming more common in the gay community. In this model one or both partners is free to fuck other people without worrying it is a threat to the relationship (ideally both sides feel this way). This model has a good degree of flexibility. Both sides may not really limit each other in terms of who they play with or when. Both sides may agree with very specific rules (you can fuck someone but no kissing that’s just for us). In this model, what constitutes cheating is usually (and should be) discussed and worked out in advance and varies from person to person.
- Romantically Non-Monogamous Sexually Monogamous: This model is one I have not encountered in the wild. My understanding is that some poly couples might want to explore romantic feelings with other partners but maintain an intimate sexual connection with their primary partner (to be explained below). Dating would likely not be considered cheating in this model, but sexual activity of any kind would be considered cheating.
- Romantically and Sexually Non-Monogamous: This model is more commonly referred to as “poly” or “polyamorous”. This model of relationship is extremely varied. So much so it is difficult to truly define it down and still do it any justice. If this sounds like an interesting proposition I strongly recommend you find any number of poly resources who can do a far better job than I at making suggestions and introducing you to the subject. That said here’s my best crack at it. Generally, two people engage in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other.
They then define how they want that relationship to work by talking it out. Those two people become each other’s “Primary” the primary is their first concern when it comes to meeting romantic and/or sexual needs. From there they date other people and fuck other people as they have time and may engage that new person in a relationship as well. From there the primary may get to know the secondary and outcomes vary from there. Cheating does exist in this model but what constitutes cheating is up to individuals in the relationship.
- How to avoid being a cheater: I am a proponent of Dan Savage’s model. Honesty. Know yourself and be honest about what you need. Then have a conversation with your partner and if you think something needs to be discussed bring it up. Talk it out. Recognize that you may not get 100% of what you want from someone else and that might be the price of admission into the relationship. So it’s important to know the difference between wants and needs. Then once you agree on something STICK TO IT. If you need to revisit the model of your relationship and adjust something, bring it up and talk it out. Always assume that if an action is not discussed it is off limits and bring it up before performing the action.
- He cheated on me. Now what?: Well that depends on the severity of the fuck up. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it makes you question your trust in that person and often, their ability to make good decisions. Cheating is not always cause for a break up. Talk the situation out with them. No one ever thinks they’re the bad guy so try not to assume they’re doing it just to hurt you. Couples are on the same team… if you ever aren’t on the same team… if your partner becomes your adversary. It is the beginning of the end.
- Write it all out: Each of you should have a copy of what you write out after discussing. Update it if necessary. Writing everything down is simply because memory is fallible. It will head off an argument later by writing it down now. Be as specific as you both feel you need to be. Once you both have something you’re happy with. Agree that the document reflects the person you are at that moment and that your respective needs and understanding may evolve as you evolve over time.
- Check in: Check in is a regular time you set aside with your partner to discuss your relationship. If there’s something that has been bothering you, you can bring it up during a check in. If something good happened or they did something well, bring that up too! If you have questions or need clarifications on things you agreed to, bring those up. Make check in a normal part of the relationship. Set aside the time together regularly. Make sure that you do check in, in a comfortable setting but try to avoid intimacy and set aside roles. Do not let minor issues fester, bring them up and see if a resolution can be reached. Have a solution in mind so you’re not simply thrusting the problem onto your partner without any idea what to do to fix it.
Cheating
- What is cheating?: Cheating is when one partner engages in an action that breaks a rule about conduct that causes emotional pain to their romantic partner. Cheating is a tricky subject because it may not always be known in advance that a course of action constitutes cheating. By default, I assume nothing. I bring everything up with my partner. Feels silly sometimes, but better to ask permission than forgiveness.- How to avoid being a cheater: I am a proponent of Dan Savage’s model. Honesty. Know yourself and be honest about what you need. Then have a conversation with your partner and if you think something needs to be discussed bring it up. Talk it out. Recognize that you may not get 100% of what you want from someone else and that might be the price of admission into the relationship. So it’s important to know the difference between wants and needs. Then once you agree on something STICK TO IT. If you need to revisit the model of your relationship and adjust something, bring it up and talk it out. Always assume that if an action is not discussed it is off limits and bring it up before performing the action.
- He cheated on me. Now what?: Well that depends on the severity of the fuck up. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it makes you question your trust in that person and often, their ability to make good decisions. Cheating is not always cause for a break up. Talk the situation out with them. No one ever thinks they’re the bad guy so try not to assume they’re doing it just to hurt you. Couples are on the same team… if you ever aren’t on the same team… if your partner becomes your adversary. It is the beginning of the end.
Setting Up A Relationship
- Discussion: Sit down with your partner and discuss how you would like things to work. Be a bit flexible. Know your wants and know your needs. Be honest with each other. Talk about everything and if you have a concern from something that went wrong in a previous relationship, let them know what happened and why it bothered you.- Write it all out: Each of you should have a copy of what you write out after discussing. Update it if necessary. Writing everything down is simply because memory is fallible. It will head off an argument later by writing it down now. Be as specific as you both feel you need to be. Once you both have something you’re happy with. Agree that the document reflects the person you are at that moment and that your respective needs and understanding may evolve as you evolve over time.
- Check in: Check in is a regular time you set aside with your partner to discuss your relationship. If there’s something that has been bothering you, you can bring it up during a check in. If something good happened or they did something well, bring that up too! If you have questions or need clarifications on things you agreed to, bring those up. Make check in a normal part of the relationship. Set aside the time together regularly. Make sure that you do check in, in a comfortable setting but try to avoid intimacy and set aside roles. Do not let minor issues fester, bring them up and see if a resolution can be reached. Have a solution in mind so you’re not simply thrusting the problem onto your partner without any idea what to do to fix it.
Maintaining A Relationship
- Do what works: This is my number one rule. So long as it works for both partners, DO WHAT WORKS. For example. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of a non-monogamous relationship if that’s what it takes to keep both partners happy and engaged. Conversely, if something isn’t working any more, take some time, figure out why something isn’t working, have an idea for a solution, and discuss it. Easy example. I had a relationship with a guy and when we started out I wanted to be sexually non-monogamous and he wanted monogamy.We discussed it and he admitted he was afraid that so early in the relationship that if I started fucking another guy might lead to me losing interest in him and leaving. I acknowledged his concern. I reaffirmed that I was interested in him and asked if he would feel more comfortable opening up the relationship later on when he was more secure that I was not going anywhere. He agreed.
- Can we be friends?: You did have some points in common with this person, or you would not have dated them in the first place so sometimes a friendship can be maintained after breaking up. Sometimes it’s just too hard to maintain the friendship or things keep slipping back into old patterns. If you cannot manage it, be honest about it. Explain and be as assertive as you need to be to get to a place you feel comfortable in.
- You can’t stop someone from leaving: This was the single greatest piece of advice I ever got (and it came from a total asshole). You cannot stop someone from leaving if they REALLY want to leave. All you can ever do is be a person that they want to stay with. Do that, and even if they leave… someone better will take their place. Good luck.
Dear Sir Your insight and knowledge of the BSDM lifestyle is right on point . I totally agree with your responses. I only want to know is why should our lifestyle be restrained by society's rules on relationships. We should be able to live, love and have sex anyway we feel is right, as long as it is with a consenting adult partner. Thank you for your insights.
Here’s some additional thoughts:
My relationship with my boy is Sexually Non Monogamous, Romantically Monogamous. I’ve thought about how i would do in a variety of relationship models and even tried to imagine some configurations i hadn’t heard of before. One of the things i came to realize is that while there’s nothing wrong with trying new relationship models, it’s important that some things be considered.
Do both people feel connected?
Do both people feel romance if romance is a component?
People involved gave consent, was anyone reticent to do so? Why?
And the list goes on. But my point is that in considering new relationship types make sure that when you’re done, it feels like a relationship to you. So long as you’re very clear in defining what you have with another person don’t be afraid to pull some good practices from other models.
Ending A Relationship
- Spend some time apart: I’ve found this to be the number one way to get over someone after a break up. I don’t see them, I don’t spend time with them, and I don’t talk to them. I take the time to decompress and form my own identity once again. I go from “we” to “me”. How long this takes varies based on the person, the relationship, the nature of the break up. Just be generous, get some time alone and you’ll recover.- Can we be friends?: You did have some points in common with this person, or you would not have dated them in the first place so sometimes a friendship can be maintained after breaking up. Sometimes it’s just too hard to maintain the friendship or things keep slipping back into old patterns. If you cannot manage it, be honest about it. Explain and be as assertive as you need to be to get to a place you feel comfortable in.
- You can’t stop someone from leaving: This was the single greatest piece of advice I ever got (and it came from a total asshole). You cannot stop someone from leaving if they REALLY want to leave. All you can ever do is be a person that they want to stay with. Do that, and even if they leave… someone better will take their place. Good luck.
Dear Sir Your insight and knowledge of the BSDM lifestyle is right on point . I totally agree with your responses. I only want to know is why should our lifestyle be restrained by society's rules on relationships. We should be able to live, love and have sex anyway we feel is right, as long as it is with a consenting adult partner. Thank you for your insights.
Here’s some additional thoughts:
My relationship with my boy is Sexually Non Monogamous, Romantically Monogamous. I’ve thought about how i would do in a variety of relationship models and even tried to imagine some configurations i hadn’t heard of before. One of the things i came to realize is that while there’s nothing wrong with trying new relationship models, it’s important that some things be considered.
Do both people feel connected?
Do both people feel romance if romance is a component?
People involved gave consent, was anyone reticent to do so? Why?
And the list goes on. But my point is that in considering new relationship types make sure that when you’re done, it feels like a relationship to you. So long as you’re very clear in defining what you have with another person don’t be afraid to pull some good practices from other models.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
No comments:
Post a Comment