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Anonymous: Do you have a list of books anyone getting started in kink should read?
Papa Tony:
I do, but NOT necessarily just what you might expect. I love to recommend some great books about our history and traditions, and I do, but as a long-time kinkster, I am also inclined to share study materials about being a good man. That’s why I have had so many satisfying relationships, and why I get more loving hugs than anyone else that I have ever met. I get hundreds of hugs a week, and I don’t have to ask for a single one.
I am reluctant to recommend books about “Old Guard.” I have no positive experiences with it. So, I am the wrong guy to talk about that topic. In the spirit of fairness, I bought “The Leatherman’s Protocol Handbook: A Handbook on ‘Old Guard’ Rituals, Traditions and Protocols” as part of one of my semester study materials for Tops, but none of it stuck. With anybody. It was just too ornate and inflexible. I am glad that it EXISTS, for the folks who think that way, but I never have. My Tribe in the 1970′s didn’t do ANY of that stuff.
I recommend buying USED versions of these books. These are books that I assign for my classes, year after year.
LEATHERSEX: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player. Classic book by Joseph Bean. Strong recommendation.
Urban Aboriginals: A Celebration of Leathersexuality. Urban Aboriginals is an intimate view of the gay male leather community. Within its pages, author Geoff Mains explores the spritual, sexual, emotional, cultural and physiological aspects that make this “scene” one of the most prominent yet misunderstood subcultures in our society.
Ask the Man Who Owns Him: The real lives of gay Masters and slaves. ASK THE MAN WHO OWNS HIM is the first book to present, in their own words, the real lives of long-term gay Master/slave couples and families. Sixteen slaveowners and their properties around the U.S. and in Canada welcomed the authors into their homes and spoke candidly about how each relationship started, how it evolved to meet the challenges of living in conventional society, and how it works today. All of these bonds have lasted for at least three years - some for well over a dozen years.
These relationships are different from the Master/slave stereotypes of erotic fiction. They're also different from what you may find in how-to books and Internet postings on the subject. Instead of reading what a single writer says this lifestyle "should" be, discover what a generous sampling of gay Masters and slaves are actually doing. Most striking is how different their relationships are from each other. Tradeoffs are made, deals struck, and power exchanged in ways that work for these unique individuals pursuing their respective dreams.
Who should read this book? Anyone who's wondered if being a Master or slave is right for him, or who wishes to understand this lifestyle better. If you've read the fantasies and felt something was missing, or tried the experts' prescriptions and found them wanting, this book is for you. ASK THE MAN WHO OWNS HIM describes real-life strategies and tactics for success.
Joseph W. Bean, the famed BDSM author, teacher, and leather community organizer, says in his foreword: "No other book has accomplished what this one does. In these pages, you will discover that living as Master or slave means defining that life for yourself. Here, the man who is considering an M/s life, or living one and wondering if he is doing it 'right,' finds that 'right' and 'wrong' are not the operative terms. Good Mastery, good slavery, and good M/s relationships are the ones in which the men are true to themselves, living lives that are rewarding to both Masters and slaves."
Leatherfolk, 10th Anniversary: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice. If you want HISTORY, this is where you find it.
I gain new insights from this, every time that I re-read it:
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. Redefining age-old concepts of masculinity, Jungian analysts Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette make the argument that mature masculinity is not abusive or domineering, but generative, creative, and empowering of the self and others. Moore and Gillette clearly define the four mature male archetypes that stand out through myth and literature across history: the king (the energy of just and creative ordering), the warrior (the energy of aggressive but nonviolent action), the magician (the energy of initiation and transformation), and the lover (the energy that connects one to others and the world), as well as the four immature patterns that interfere with masculine potential (divine child, oedipal child, trickster and hero). King, Warrior, Magician, Lover is an exploratory journey that will help men and women reimagine and deepen their understanding of the masculine psyche.
We have been lied to about monogamy for a long, LONG time. This next book explodes the whole concept, by validating what I learned from gay elders forty years ago:
Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Since Darwin’s day, we’ve been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. Mainstream science–as well as religious and cultural institutions–has maintained that men and women evolved in families in which a man’s possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman’s fertility and fidelity. But this narrative is collapsing. Fewer and fewer couples are getting married, and divorce rates keep climbing as adultery and flagging libido drag down even seemingly solid marriages.
How can reality be reconciled with the accepted narrative? It can’t be, according to renegade thinkers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. While debunking almost everything we “know” about sex, they offer a bold alternative explanation in this provocative and brilliant book.
Buy it used here, here, here and here. Kindle version is here for $9.99. Try not to spend more than ten bucks (Apple is selling the ebook for almost $25!) - There are a lot of very good deals.
This one has the "traditional" believers in monogamy FREAKED OUT, and when you read it, you can see why. It landed upon the sociology community like an atomic bomb, and there is even a small industry in new books written specifically to pick THIS book apart, and diminish its impact. It's really rattling the Judeo-Christian community's cage, big time. It completely discounts the religious strictures on sex, scientifically.
The authors make an absolutely solid case for monogamy being abnormal for humans. They assert that it was imposed upon us as a cultural artifact. They explain why your penis has a head on it: it is shaped to suction other men's semen out of the way so that yours has a better chance at fertilization during a gangbang. They go on and on, and NAIL the explanations.
It's a fun, easy read. Piss off a fundamentalist, and pass it along!
The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop, by Drew Mattison and David McWhirter - I consider this to be THE shop-manual for male-male, long-term relationships. One of the first things that I did for my new boyfriend was to insist that he read this. 28.5 blissful years later, we are still going strong.
Buy it used here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Don't spend more than ten bucks - There are a lot of very good deals.
I give credit to this book for my nearly 23-year relationship. I consider it to be THE SHOP MANUAL for gay-male, long-term relationships. It's methodical, it's dry, but it's worth going through and STUDYING with every bit of your concentration, because it is the first scientific, clinical study of male-male relationships of durations between one year and over fifty years.
If you're in a relationship, it will help you relax more and accept the natural phases that all male-male relationships go through, and that are clearly explained in the book. If you're looking for a relationship that lasts, then this will help you start with a much more realistic viewpoint, with a high likelihood of succeeding.
How To Bottom Like A Porn Star: The Ultimate Guide To Gay Sex. Amazon’s #1 Gay Sex Guide For 2 Years In A Row! It combines porn industry secrets with innovative techniques from the latest gay male sex research so you can COMPLETELY relax your sphincter for no-pain intercourse. Does bottoming hurt too much? Do hygiene worries keep you from trying? This book is for you! Learn porn star secrets to bottoming without pain and start making love with volcanic pleasure. Written by gay sex advice columnist Woody Miller and a team of urologists and colon-rectal specialists, this book combines porn industry secrets with innovative techniques from the latest gay male sex research.
How To Top Like A Stud: A Penetrating Guide to Gay Sex. Be A Better Lover With The First Gay Sex Manual For Tops.
Stop thinking that all you have to do is get it hard and put it in. Good tops are made not born. Whether you’re a bottom looking to be more versatile or a top who wants a better experience, this book will show you how to give and get more pleasure as the penetrator in gay sex. Express The Kind Of Masculinity You Feel Comfortable With. You don’t have to act like a cop to be a top. Choose from a spectrum of possibilities you hadn’t thought of to have the kind of topping experience that personally appeals to you. Take the Erotic Temperature Quiz in this gay sex instruction book and find out your “topping personality.”
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. The classic guide to love, sex, and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy has been fully updated to reflect today’s modern attitudes and the latest information on nontraditional relationships. For 20 years The Ethical Slut has dispelled myths and showed curious readers how to maintain a successful polyamorous lifestyle through open communication, emotional honesty, and safer sex practices.
The third edition of this timeless guide to communication and sex has been revised to include interviews with poly millennials (young people who have grown up without the prejudices their elders encountered regarding gender, orientation, sexuality, and relationships), tributes to poly pioneers, and new sidebars on topics such as asexuality, sex workers, and ways polys can connect and thrive.
The authors also include new content addressing nontraditional relationships beyond the polyamorous paradigm of “more than two”: couples who don’t live together, couples who don’t have sex with each other, nonparallel arrangements, couples with widely divergent sex styles, power disparities, and cross-orientation relationships, while utilizing nonbinary gender language and new terms that have come into common usage since the last edition.
If you are running for a Leather Title:
The Leather Contest Guide: A Handbook for Promoters, Contestants, Judges and Titleholders. Guy Baldwin won the titles of International Mr. Leather 1989 and Mr. National Leather Association 1989. These titles, along with Mr. Baldwin’s position as a long time and respected member of the leather community, make him uniquely qualified to address this subject. He is a psychotherapist-educator and a sought after speaker nationwide.
And, for those of us who are sensitive and perceptive:
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. The author describes the main subject of his book as “thin-slicing”: our ability to use limited information from a very narrow period of experience to come to a conclusion. This idea suggests that spontaneous decisions are often as good as—or even better than—carefully planned and considered ones.
Outliers: The Story of Success. Throughout the book, Gladwell repeatedly mentions the “10,000-Hour Rule”, claiming that the key to achieving world-class expertise in any skill, is, to a large extent, a matter of practicing the correct way, for a total of around 10,000 hours. This is a way of emphasizing how important it is to MASTER something that you care about. Time spent practicing what you love is never wasted.
My Education Plan
By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):I’ve mentioned before that when I was talking with the man who mentored me, that I created my own education plan. I created it by sitting down for about 20 minutes and thinking about areas I knew I lacked knowledge. I also thought about areas I thought were strengths and that I could learn more advanced techniques in, but I mostly wanted to have a more well rounded understanding of BDSM. So here it is:
My mentor suggested some books for me to read:
- Ropes, Bondage and Power - Lee Harrington
- Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking - Race Bannon
Power Exchange Books, by Bob Rubel:
Protocols - A Variety of Views
Art of Slavery
Master/slave Mastery -- Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship
- Slavecraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude-: Principles, Skills and Tools - Guy Baldwin
- The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book - Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
Other Topics to Research:
- BDSM social etiquette for parties, munches, etc
- How to address others
- What is rude behavior?
- Authority based relationships
- How do you check in with a submissive as an authority figure?
- Dealing with criticism
- Managing submissives
- Building and developing a connection during scenes
- Mind fucks
- Coaching
- Electro boxes and how to work them
- Impact play
- Service relationships
- What are leather families?
- Are they important?
- Ethical humiliation
- Easy way to clean up after wax play?
- CBT pointers
- Dealing with non-reactive submissives
- Tips for verbal?
- What are standard lengths of rope?
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