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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
I spent a few hundred dollars and a number of hours training under a pro-dominant. I do not want to give away all that info out of respect for that dominant and how he makes his living, but there were some things I learned tangentially to his lessons that I believe newer dominants needing direction could benefit from.
- Be yourself: Specifically, I mean figure out whom YOU are as a dominant. You might watch Van Darkholme whip and flog boys and treat them roughly. That’s porn. I also believe he writes out all those scenes himself like a script so he can show them to would be submissives to make sure they’re ok with the described scene. So the porn you’re watching is his style. An expression of who he is as a dominant. It’s erotic because he is himself on camera and passionate about that play.
If you are not the kind of dominant who barks orders. Don’t do that just to fit a fantasy or stereotype. Do it because it’s who you are. Be confident that in the vast world of kink there is someone who will find you baring your dominant soul to the world hot. When you’re completely yourself and behind your own kinks, actions, and presentation nothing can make you feel more confident more powerful. That powerful confidence will catch the attention of everyone.
- Master yourself: You need to know yourself inside and out. Understand your behaviors and understand your kinks. If you can’t explain exactly why something is hot, then it becomes that much harder to communicate to a submissive exactly how you want him to behave to get you hard and ultimately reward him with your jizz. The better you understand yourself the better service you will ultimately be able to extract from submissives. Knowing yourself is something that morphs and changes because you morph and change over time. Knowing yourself is an ongoing process.
- Inspire submission: There is little you can do to a boy to MAKE him submit to you that cannot be classified as illegal if a submissive does not consent to it. That means that truly, the only power we have over submissives is in getting them to submit to us. More accurately, you must behave in a manner to inspire submission. Be sincere in your desire for service and show it by respecting a submissive that approaches you. Listen to what they have to say and prove you’ve heard them. Show you can be trusted and prove you take their trust and submission seriously (in whatever way you express yourself, so long as the message gets across).
- Discipline: It is also extremely important to cultivate self discipline, at least where bdsm is concerned, as a lot of dominance is about holding back. You CAN hit harder, but you don’t because the paddling is not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how you get your boy into a nice high via the pain caused by the paddling. Maybe you can get your boy to the point where you can hit him as hard as you can, but I would be surprised if that ever occurred right out of the gate. It’s something that should be built up to (if it’s ever achieved).
- Hone your skills: If you are into rope, you need to be able to tie knots on demand without reference and combine ties into a working piece. If you’re paddling a submissive, it’s important to be accurate about the area you’re hitting and have fine control over power and angle to produce different sensations. Ideally, one should have mastery over one’s skills, but that takes a ton of time and practice and realistically a lot of that practice will be on submissives. Make sure you’re aware of safety concerns with anything you’re trying and that you’re reading up on books, and articles about bdsm on a variety of topics so you’re as prepared as you can be to bring skills to bear to make submissives quiver with pleasure.
- Don’t drink your own kool aid: I’ve seen a LOT of dominants so caught up in the fantasy about how awesome they are or how hot they are that they cannot see the difference between reality and fantasy. Do not be one of those guys. Ego is hot and valuable but still be able to step back from it once the scene is over. Stepping down from the scene and being able to be a person once again is helpful for relating to submissives outside the bedroom. It’s true. Dominants are people too. Most of us anyways ;). So don’t be so self consumed that you drink your own kool aid.
- Be yourself: Specifically, I mean figure out whom YOU are as a dominant. You might watch Van Darkholme whip and flog boys and treat them roughly. That’s porn. I also believe he writes out all those scenes himself like a script so he can show them to would be submissives to make sure they’re ok with the described scene. So the porn you’re watching is his style. An expression of who he is as a dominant. It’s erotic because he is himself on camera and passionate about that play.
If you are not the kind of dominant who barks orders. Don’t do that just to fit a fantasy or stereotype. Do it because it’s who you are. Be confident that in the vast world of kink there is someone who will find you baring your dominant soul to the world hot. When you’re completely yourself and behind your own kinks, actions, and presentation nothing can make you feel more confident more powerful. That powerful confidence will catch the attention of everyone.
- Master yourself: You need to know yourself inside and out. Understand your behaviors and understand your kinks. If you can’t explain exactly why something is hot, then it becomes that much harder to communicate to a submissive exactly how you want him to behave to get you hard and ultimately reward him with your jizz. The better you understand yourself the better service you will ultimately be able to extract from submissives. Knowing yourself is something that morphs and changes because you morph and change over time. Knowing yourself is an ongoing process.
- Inspire submission: There is little you can do to a boy to MAKE him submit to you that cannot be classified as illegal if a submissive does not consent to it. That means that truly, the only power we have over submissives is in getting them to submit to us. More accurately, you must behave in a manner to inspire submission. Be sincere in your desire for service and show it by respecting a submissive that approaches you. Listen to what they have to say and prove you’ve heard them. Show you can be trusted and prove you take their trust and submission seriously (in whatever way you express yourself, so long as the message gets across).
- Discipline: It is also extremely important to cultivate self discipline, at least where bdsm is concerned, as a lot of dominance is about holding back. You CAN hit harder, but you don’t because the paddling is not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how you get your boy into a nice high via the pain caused by the paddling. Maybe you can get your boy to the point where you can hit him as hard as you can, but I would be surprised if that ever occurred right out of the gate. It’s something that should be built up to (if it’s ever achieved).
- Hone your skills: If you are into rope, you need to be able to tie knots on demand without reference and combine ties into a working piece. If you’re paddling a submissive, it’s important to be accurate about the area you’re hitting and have fine control over power and angle to produce different sensations. Ideally, one should have mastery over one’s skills, but that takes a ton of time and practice and realistically a lot of that practice will be on submissives. Make sure you’re aware of safety concerns with anything you’re trying and that you’re reading up on books, and articles about bdsm on a variety of topics so you’re as prepared as you can be to bring skills to bear to make submissives quiver with pleasure.
- Don’t drink your own kool aid: I’ve seen a LOT of dominants so caught up in the fantasy about how awesome they are or how hot they are that they cannot see the difference between reality and fantasy. Do not be one of those guys. Ego is hot and valuable but still be able to step back from it once the scene is over. Stepping down from the scene and being able to be a person once again is helpful for relating to submissives outside the bedroom. It’s true. Dominants are people too. Most of us anyways ;). So don’t be so self consumed that you drink your own kool aid.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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