How to Find a Sir

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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):

How  do I find a Sir?

This is the one question I get asked non-stop online. So, let’s preface the FUCK out of this post.

What this post is for:

- Boys who have literally just decided to delve into BDSM.

- A general pointer in some directions

- A complimentary post to the etiquette post.

What this post is not:

- I’m not dismissing anyone’s challenges inherent in dating.

- I’m not guaranteeing this WILL land you a man.

- This isn’t accounting for your personal approach to men or service.

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If you live in a city:

YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY IN LUCK!

I would start by Google searching your local leather bar. On the East Coast in the US almost all “Eagle” bars are leather bars. Try searching on Eagle [insert your city].

The next place to search for is dungeons in your city. Even if the dungeons are primarily straight clientele (they probably will be) they’re worth checking out because straight folks love to hook up gay men like they’re tying up loose ends or something. If you find a dungeon, I suggest volunteering to help out. It will ingratiate you to other folks, get you in for free, and give you an opportunity to socialize.

Hop onto Recon and Fetlife and create a profile. I’ll talk about what you should have in your profile under the etiquette post.

Attend munches! Munches are purely social meals usually held when a Sunday brunch would be. They are intended as a casual place to get to know someone before engaging in play. In fact, no one should be playing at a munch. That is a big social fopah. Munches are also useful because kinksters talk about each other. If someone is spoken of poorly, do make sure you get a few opinions. Sometimes, bad blood exists between two kinksters and if you ask someone about their ex don’t be surprised if they have a negative opinion.

If you live in a suburban area:

That’s tricker. Like you kinksters probably do live in your area, but it is rare for established kink gay bars to be located too far out from public transit of a city. You’ll probably end up going into the city and making some kinkster friends and then luring them back to your place for parties. Just follow through on most of the advice above.

If you live in a rural area:

This is a really bad place to live if you’re in for kink. The best advice I can give is set up recon and fetlife and try to see if you can find someone locally. You may not be able to, but do maintain the profile. If someone else in your area tries the same thing, you don’t want them to see a blank search result like you did… you want them to find you.

Travel will be your best friend. Vacation in major cities, get out to the dungeons and bars in those cities and maximize your time. If possible move. If kink is a really important part to your sex life this is probably the best thing for you. If it’s something that would be fun and you could live without, then you can stop reading here.

Know what you’re looking for:

This may sound obvious but this one seems to elude a lot of people. Know the kind of dominant that turns you on. What’s his personality like? What’s his build like? What MUST he be into? What are some optional interests you’d like him to have? How old is he?

Keep in mind, you may not find a PERFECT man, but it’s important to have a clearer sense what you’re looking for. As Dan savage is fond of saying, most of us have to “round up to the ‘one’.” Once you have that in mind, summarize it down to the key points and put it in your online profile. Yeah, many men don’t read them, but some do and those who do can self select if they know your tastes.

Self improvement:

So you know what your optimal guy looks like. Do YOU look like that? A lot of gay men look like the kind of men they want to fuck. You do NOT have to change your entire appearance if doing so would make you intensely unhappy, but just be aware that opposites do attract, but do so more rarely in the gay community. Work on your shape and see if you can match the body type of your dreams more closely.

What skills do you have? Are you a good cook? Are you a diligent cleaner? Do you know how to boot black? Are you a masseuse? Emphasize those. And if you don’t have a skill, learn one, hone it, and take some pride in it. You want something to make yourself stand out a little. There are a LOT of subs out there and a skill you can emphasize on top of looking the part and having the right kinks will make you seem like the full package, like someone no smart dominant could pass up having in their life.

Be self confident. I cannot stress this one too much. How you get there is up to you but when you get there be sure you believe that dominants want you.

Manners:

I’m going to address this more fully in another post as I found it too much to put here. Don’t scoff! @bredbeta serves me because he looked the part, and was exceedingly polite. It was such a breath of fresh air I made him mine.

And that’s largely it. That should be a good way for everyone to at least get started and get some kinksters in your friend circle. Next up, read up on etiquette! Good luck.

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Have a question or need a friendly ear? 

Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com! 

And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.